[adoptionnewbie]

Sorry to be a downer here.. but I just have to vent for a moment.
I know you've all been there... but here it goes.

So today I go for my dr's appt. to get my "notarized letter" for the dossier... the nurse comes in and says: Oh, So you are adopting,? I smile and say "yes"..
Nurse: "Can't have any?"
Me: (appalled but not expecting such a comment) uh-huh

Amazing what can come out of the mouths of those who are supposed to practice nice bedside manners! I realize maybe she was making small talk.. but OUCH!!!

Thanks for letting me vent.. I feel so much better!

Congratulations to those of you who are in the pink or on your way to pick up your little ones!

I really enjoy reading your posts and looking at the adoreable pictures of your precious children! Hopefully, I will be posting my own in about a year!

[waitin'mama]

OUCH is right! In fact, I think that would be very appropriate to say to her if you see her again. Sorry that you started your day with such a negative. Now on to the positive...I look forward to seeing you post that you have a referral! Best of luck on your journey.

[Shoshana]

Maybe we share the same nurse!

When my physician's nurse saw Xiomara for the first time, she asked me if I was babysitting. I don't know if it was the race difference or my age

[Rhonda Roo]

So sorry you had to start off your day that way.

But in all honestly, it won't be the first stupid comment, and most definitely won't be your last. It's easier to take if you can look at this as a learning experience, and next time (unfortunately, there will be a next time) you will be ready with an appropriate response. Before you have your child in your arms, it's a good time to experiment with different answers and deliveries to determine what "feels" most comfortable for you---whether it be humor, or educating the "stupid one", or no answer policy. It's also not a bad idea to think up some of these "stupid comments" (you can get a whole bunch of these comments from earlier posts), and picture how you will handle them. It doesn't make it easier to tolerate, but it does take that "how do I answer this?" stunned feeling out of it.

Please also let me share this, we have to remember that if we are being posed these questions, so will our little ones. For example, we took our son to church in his new outfit. We have friends who are Guatemalan. When they came home from visiting their families, they brought my son 2 trajes; and we took him to church in them. The evangelist was thrilled to see the outfit, as it reminded her of her overseas trips, and asked us to share a little about it during Children's church. One of the little boys blurted out---what happened to his real mom, why did she give him to you? Well, out of the mouth of babes. We rehearsed this one for quite some time . . . so even though the question took me aback, we had a ready answer. We kept the reason to general statistics, not specific to our son. "Most children who are born in other countries who are adopted and brought to America come because of not having enough food to eat, the many families who live in poverty, etc.

I don't want to preach . . . only encourage us to be ready to answer "stupid people", because we all have seen---they are everywhere! (little chuckle)
Rhonda Roo

[khaki17]

I have kind of a funny comment in the same vein...

I went to my annual OB/GYN appointment a few weeks ago with Maya in hand. When I walked in, I said to the nurse "A new addition to the family." She started looking through my file and then asked me if I was babysitting. I said no, that she was my daughter. The nurse kept looking through my file and it finally dawned on me that she was looking for some record of her birth. I then explained that she was adopted and had just come home a few weeks ago... boy did she breathe a sigh of relief! She thought they had misplaced an entire section of my file!

Too funny!

Kathleen
mom to Maya

[jcc7761]

I remember when I went to our local police department to get our clearance letters. As the clerk was typing up the letters, from across the room she YELLED "what's the matter, you can't have your OWN baby?" Of course, all heads turned to await my reply. I think I shook my head and said "Uh uh". Very profound. That was my first experience with a question like that. Have I gotten any more savvy? No. As much as I think I am prepared, it ALWAYS catches me off guard. I practice it over and over in my head. But I am always dumbfounded. Oh, if we could only go back and change what we say...

I am working on it as I realize my responses will ultimately affect my children...

[csw]

Hi
I am sorry the office staff in some MD offices are being so rude..just to let you know though..please dont assume that everyone that works in the office is an RN..alot of times they are medical secretaries, medical technologists etc..not nurses...(can you tell I am an RN?) with little training in communication skills...
I would correct anyone who made that sort of comment...take care, Cathy

[adoptionnewbie]

Thanks, guys for your support! I knew I wasn't alone.

I realize that one has to prepare for such comments.. I'm usually very witty and quick with a snappy comeback... but this time I was absolutely stunned. I wonder if she actually felt like she put her foot in her mouth, or never gave that question a second thought? who knows, right? But I'll betcha when I see her again, I'll be prepared.

CSW, you are so right. I hope you know that I wasn't trying to offend anyone in the medical field-- I was just venting on ONE woman's stupidity in not thinking before she spoke.

There are so many caring medical professionals that go above and beyond to help others.

I appreciate everyone's advice on how to handle those questions that you never thought someone might have the gumption to ask.
We could all probably put together a book on obnoxious adoption one liners!

[resabelle]

When I went to my doctor's office for my medical form, my doctor said "wouldn't it be easier to just give birth to a child?, that is what I am in business for" This is comng from the man that took my ovary the year before. I was appalled. I said "well Doc, we adoptive mothers do not have the pain of labor, but we certainly face hurtful comments. We might could have given birth, but then we might have missed out on the blessing God intended for us." His face turned red and he apologized, realizing not only could I not have children, but that I had called the office the day before to ask them about the letter. After I got my letter, I also got my medical records.

I'm sure it won't be the last time I hear something like that, but he really did make me cry. Now, I so do not care. These two little girls are the children meant for me and I would have it no other way.

[Nahid]

As we all know, sometimes our plans do not work out like what we dreamed of.

I was looking forward to becoming a full time mommy and get to stay at home with my children.

However, one of our business partners stole money from our business and now we are in the federal court with a lawsuit.

So, I must continue to work for awhile until we get our money back if we do ever get it back.

Anyway, Monday I was in a meeting with a co-worker and another co-worker was telling us about his trip to Thialand and he visited an orphange. He told me that he fell in love with a little one and did not have the ability to bring them home. I told him I would be glad to share how to start with the INS. I also stated that I felt drawn to adopt my babies much like someone feels that it is their calling to become a missionary. My co-worker turned to me and said, "Yes, but you are not raising them because you work and have someone else raising them". I almost started to cry as it already kills me that I am not home with them and missing out. However, my future step daughter is the one that comes to my house and cares for them while I work. This gives her a job that enables her to take care of her children and they are at least with their big sister.

People can be so cruel!

[foxl]

... and I do think perfectly intelligent people are sometimes inane, not intending cruelty, at all!

Personally, even though we have had our daughter almost 2.5 yrs, I'm still feeling pretty darn smug about her! That does not help those of you still waiting, and I have heard my fair share of insensitive remarks (including one woman actually yelling from a car window skeptically, "Is that baby YOURS???" when we were waiting for a bus ... I answered, "YES!" and hugged her closer) ... anyhow, whatever answer you use, once you have child in hand, a smug "you-don't-know-what-you-are-missing" look, accompanied by some demonstration of affection toward the child, always helps! AND conveys your pride to your child.

re: infertility remarks, I think a so-what attitude is in order! That Ob's remark was truly the pits, however!

[kelleymac]

Hang in there. With experience you'll get better and better at dealing with dolts, and you'll become more comfortable with your answers as you do so.

Our worst was our neighbor, with whom we're close. We were talking after Jonah came home and he asked: "Don't you want to have a 'real' baby, though?" I went over, picked Jonah up, carried him to our neighbor and dumped him in his lap. I replied: "He sure feels real to me." Our neighbor was certainly embarrassed and apologized profusely. Sometimes people just don't engage brain before mouth...it happens, even to good people.

On the infertility issue: I've found that the further I get from it, the easier the remarks are to handle. They just don't bother me much anymore. It takes time. I do occasionally answer snippily if the asker is particularly rude.

Best,
Kelley

[twggy]

So sorry you had this comment. It really takes me off guard too -- I usually don't say anything because of my shock. (I'm usually pretty outspoken.) I wish I were more prepared. People really can be so ignorant.

I, too, have a recent story of blatant insensitivity.

We were all set to do a Guatemalan adoption when we got matched domestically 5 months ago. Just this last Sunday (4 days ago) the birthfather changed his mind and has closed the door on our adoption. Of course, we are heartbroken after a 5 month match, dr. visits and everything.

On Monday, I told my boss about it (a psychologist, no less!). He was very sympathetic and nice but then said "Well, at least we won't be worrying about who will cover the office in Nov. and Dec." I'm sure glad my lost baby will be more convenient for him than my maternity leave would have been. (Wish I'd said this, but the hurt was too fresh for me to think that clearly.)

He then said, "Why don't you show them all and just get pregnant?" Well, duh! (He knows my medical journey pretty well and has a daughter that adopted a child after a problem pregnancy!)

He is normally very well meaning and warm but I think he has no filter of what hits his brain and comes out of his mouth.

I wish I had been more quick thinking to respond so that I could have pointed this out for him since he needs to be more aware WHEN HE DOES COUNSELING!!!

Thanks for starting the thread -- I needed to vent, too.

Amy

[lotterino]

I don't have any words of advice, but had to share a comment I got a couple weeks ago. I still haven't figured out how to respond, I'm dumbfounded yet.

We had a rummage sale with a sign saying "All proceeds go towards the adoption of our baby girl." (This is before we had a referral) A perfect stranger sits down next to me and he asks "so what make and model did you order?" and he was SERIOUS, so I fumbled around with a "we're not picky" and he had the gall to say "Well, I guess if you want kids bad enough you'll take anything."

People are unbelievable. As if he "ordered" the hair color, eyes, and height of HIS children.

[foxl]

Now I think I have heard it ALL. He probably thought that was real clever, too. My late MIL actually asked if they "lined the children up so we could pick the prettiest?" She did NOT mean it nicely, either.