[Alf]

Hi all,

My daughter is home now almost 3mos and we still are having some sleep issues. For the first 3-4weeks i slept in her with her, i have a twin bed in her room. She woke up almost every 1 1/2 hours. I then went out and bought a baby monitor and I moved back into my room. I would rock her to sleep and then put her into her crib and she still woke up about every 2hrs screaming for me. I then put her into my bed with me for about a month and slept all night. I noticed that she needs to be close to me in order to fall asleep. Of course everyone I talk to says to get her out of my bed or she will be there forever!! so, i tried putting her back into her own room. People have told me to let her cry if you can, or let her cry and leave the room and come back in every 10-15min. which i tried and she just completely freaked out. ( I will NEVER do that again. she really got scared with that.) Then i tried letting her cry with me still in the room and that didnt work. My daughter is a very persistent, strong willed little girl!! (She is now almost 14mos. old.) Needless to say as of last night she is back in my bed!! Today i napped her in my bed and she slept almost 3hrs where in her crib she would give my 40mins.

I know its probably not the best thing to have her in my bed. But, i think she still needs that security of me being there. She loves to snuggle up close to me when she sleeps. Other than the sleeping issue she is just the happiest most loving little girl. So, i figure if the worst thing is that my daughter sleeps in bed with me, i dont think that is so bad.

So, my question is, is anyone else having this problem? Is there any advice as to what I should do? Should I keep her in my bed, or should i just be persistent and keep her in her own room? Im fortunate that i'm off of work for the summer, but i go back in Sept and people keep telling me i should have her back in her own bed by then. I know people want to help, but i have to do whats best for my daughter and for me, and if keeping her in my bed will make her feel more secure, then thats what i'll do. But, any advice on this would help.

Thanks to all of you
Lisa

[Rhonda Roo]

I know how you feel . . .

But let me ask you--what takes care of you in this? If you are able to sleep through the night soundly when she is in bed with you, then that sounds as if it works for you. Personally, I don't see anything wrong in the "family" bed; provided that it is working out for everyone. If this is the case, I think that the benefit of bonding and attaching opportunity this provides far outweighs anybody else's critisim.

In our instance, it wasn't. Our son, now 2-1/2 recently decided that he needed to be in bed with us, and usually around 3 o'clock in the morning, there he is. But the problem we were having is that my husband is a tosser and turner, and my son is a flip flopper. On top of that, my son has a fascination with eyes and hair right now. That being said I was getting no sleep at all, which made me cranky during the day. We have tried many different methods to get him to sleep in bed during the night, and believe we have found what works for us. (Please also let me state that our son has been home now for over 2 years.)

I hope this helps.

Rhonda

[smmars]

Well,
If this were not an adopted child I would say let her cry it out. Children eventually have to learn to put themselves back to sleep. (I have done with this with my 2 bio. kiddos.

However, since this IS an adopted child, I have no clue.

I think that I, if we have this issue, will end up letting our baby boy sleep in our bed for a while (to facilitate attachment). Then, when my hubby can't stand it anymore I think that I will rock him to sleep and put him in his crib and just keep getting up whenever the baby *needs me* to rock him again.

Like I said, it is a totally different ball game when dealing with attachment issues, etc. I think that we just have to roll with the punches for a while.

I will be watching for any more insightful answers from experienced parents!

[becky]

Lisa,

The family bed is working for both of you...so why mess with it? She is still a baby, she is still adjusting to being here. Remember...she was in Guatemala for 11 months (possibly sleeping with her foster mother the whole time) and she has only been home for 3 months. Give it time!

I can assure you, when she is older, there will come a time when you can reason with her about why she needs to sleep in her own room...right now is not that time!

Enjoy your daughter and do not feel bad about this...it is O.K.!!

[Alf]

Thank you for your responses and advice. I am going to stop feeling guilty and enjoy my time with my daughter. If she needs to be in my bed, than I will welcome it. We both get a better night sleep anyway, so it does work for both of us. Like Becky said, there will be time to reason with her when she is older, now is not that time.

Thanks and i will look forward to more responses on this matter.

Lisa

[Kate'sMom2B]

I agree...if it's working, then it's worth it! Sounds like you both need sleep and it sounds like co-sleeping is the only way, at least for now, to get it.

I think a lot of newly adopted kids need extra security for a while. My new daughter has to fall asleep very close to me...in fact she grabs my hair and wants my face touching hers. And she is very quick to drift off as long as I'm right there...and she stays asleep all night.

My son from Russia really had some sleep issues when we adopted him at age 14 months, so I know a bit of how you feel. We never did co-sleep but instead rocked him, sang to him, patted him, you name it. He was a head banger when falling asleep so it didn't work to have him in our bed...none of us would have slept. He did get better (he's 6 now), though he is a light sleeper and always the first to rise (at first light).

Best of luck!

[kelleymac]

Hi Lisa:

I know this is an extremely unpopular viewpoint, but we let Jonah cry it out. We bought the Ferber book and reading it, he could have written it about Jonah. It took him exactly two nights to begin sleeping through the night. The only time he hasn't was when he had a nasty cold for a few days and I would feed him at night to keep him taking fluids.

It sounds totally heartless, but it really wasn't. He was never alone for more than 20-minutes before someone comforted him without picking him up, and he will now awaken in his crib and play there for a while before yelling for us to come in in the morning. It's really adorable (we have a video monitor.)

This has been a Godsend for me. I wasn't sleeping with him in our bed, (Mike could sleep, but with his snoring, what could he hear? ) and Jonah was a disaster during the day because he was so tired from all the awakening.

Napping is still a real challenge for Jonah. He's not content to nap in his crib and must be near one of us. He either naps on the couch while I read or watch TV. I used to put him in our bed, but now he's crawling and I can't be out of the room.

Go with your instinct. If you are comfortable with this arrangement for the long term, then don't change it. If you really want her out of your bed, the earlier you take action, the easier it will be for both of you. I can't imagine trying to do this when Jonah was walking on his own...we'd never have kept him there.

Feel free to PM me if you want. The sleeping transition has been a big one for our little guy!

Kelley

[Shoshana]

If it's not causing you any problems (besides hearing 'other's' opinions), then keep her in your bed. By crying for you every couple of hours, she is telling you she feels afraid and insecure. When you answer her cries, you are telling her you are available, consistent, and able to meet her needs. By sleeping soundly when she is with you, she is telling you she feels secure. Better to sleep with the baby now, then deal with more significant attachment problems later. All of the literature I have read indicates that the children who co-sleep do NOT stay in their parent's bed forever, but move to their own when they're comfortable. Co-sleeping facilitates attachment, confidence, and ultimately, independence in children, not insecurity and dependence.

[Alf]

I did try letting her cry it out. I even left the room for about 10mins and then went back in. When i did that it just freaked her out. She really was scared. I will never forget the look in her eyes when i left and then went back. I said I would never do that again. I let her cry with me in the room sitting on the bed and she just became so hysterical it just was not working. When i finally put her back into my bed, a big smile came over her face and she snuggled up next to me and slept all night.

I know there are alot of opinions out there and appreciate all of them. but her sleeping with me works for us right now. Im single, so i really dont mind having her there. I actually look forward to it.

Thanks
Lisa

[wblewett]

Sleeping together sounds like a very nice bonding time for
you and your baby girl I say go with your gut, if being apart from you is making her miserable then let her be dependent on you in this way. If she slept with her foster mom then I agree with you, this is how she knows to sleep, this is what's secure.
And each child is so different, only you can really know your child and what's right.
Take care, happy dreams!!
Wendy

[ejatt]

I would recommend the book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. It really helped me with my son. I was putting him to bed too late and he was over tired and his body was fighting fatigue, hence the sleep battles. I thought if I put him to bed at 6pm he would wake up at 3am. That was not the case at all! He now sleeps a full twelve hours and wakes up cooing.

Good book for me and my son!




Melissa

[Barb.B]

Hi, I am really an "old timer" here who has been a lurker alot!

Anyway, all three of my kids (now ages 11years, 6 years and 19 mnths) have been in our bed at one time or another. Most full time for there first 4 years! One thing that has worked well for me is to take one side off the crib and put it right next to my bed. It worked out that both matresses could be on the same hight! My youngest two are both wild sleepers so we could snuggle without using up too much bed space!

I agree, I tried using the ferber method when my oldest was young and he really freaked out! It works for some kids - just didn't for mine (or for me!). I have loved the snuggle time with my kids and we all slept better.

I am happy to say my 11 year old of course completely sleeps in his room ! My 6 year old starts off in her bed and at some point climbs in the middle of our bed.I really have no idea most of the time when she climbs in! My 19 month old starts off in his room in a crib at night and I bring him in with me( in the crib next to my bed - my bed extension!) when he wakes up during the night (which he usually does). However he has been home with us for over a year so that is why he is able to sleep part of the night in his room.

One more tip that works for us. Yes my husband feels a bit crowded at times! So he usually ends up sleeping in my 6 year old's bed after she comes in our room. He is a restless sleeper anyway so it doesn't bother him to move to a different bed!

Let people's negative comments about your sleeping arrangements just go in one ear and out the other! Do what works best for you! Also - the family bed is a great way to bond, especially with an adopted child!

I don't get why people say that she needs to be in her room when you go back to work. This is just my 2 cents but maybe the extra snuggle and bonding time would be useful for both you and your daughter as you both adjust to you new shedules!
Barb

[csw]

Hi
Every visit to Guatemala my daughter slept in the hotel bed with me..when I fostered at the end..I slept on the couch and pushed the chair towards the couch and she slept next to me that way..(I was afraid she would fall out of the bed onto the hard tile floors in Antigua)...since home March 30th..we have been cosleeping..she also totally freaks out in the crib...even tried it for naps..I tried the Ferber method for one time..went in every 10 minutes for 1 hour she cried the whole time..hyperventilated etc..I said I would never do that method again..she is very attached to me..she was/is also having night terrors..they are getting better...she was up 4x an hour the first 2 months..then 4-6x a night..last night..guess what..for the first time..only up twice!
Please do what you feel is best for your daughter and yourself...my husband would not let me son sleep in our bed ..I was working 12 hour shifts..would get him to bed..then I would be the one up every hour with him...not my husband! It would have been so much easier to cosleep with our son...we ended up moving his toddler bed into our room and he finally slept...then when he outgrew that he would generally sleep in his room, but occasionally he would grab a sleeping bag and end up on the floor next to us..since he has been 9 or 10 years old he has never slept in our room again...they do get to an age where they say "I think I will sleep in my room tonight" and then they do and thats that!
I know someone who used to put her girls in their bedroom at 8 pm and then lock the door...they would scream for 1 or more hours..then passout..sometimes on the floor by the door..but she would never open the door etc..I always thought that was pretty mean...other peoples advice..friends, neighbors..is based on them having a newborn home the whole time..you can politely listen to them...but do what you feel is best...co-sleeping is done in lots of other cultures also...I think Elizabeth/Shoshona and Becky gave great advice... I know a single woman and her daughter is 10 and they had coslept for years..she said she liked having her close to her so she knew she was safe...
I am glad you have the summer off with her...sounds like you are doing great! take care, Cathy

[foxl]

I totally vote for co-sleep. I sleep better, she sleeps better. Be forewarned that some people may (if you publicly "confess" to it) tell you it is the lazy answer ... or worse.

As a now-grown child who actually hated physical contact with her parents, I feel so much healthier in my relationship with my own child, letting her snuggle all she wants, and later choose her home time to become independent!

[pmgor]

If sleeping with her is getting you guys sleep, then go for it.

Of course as a family bedder family that is what worked for us, both our girls slept with us. They are now 4 & 7 and they sleep in their room, sometimes they sleep in the same bed and sometimes they don't. Very seldom anymore do they come to our bed. When they do it is usually for a fear or thirst or something and very quickly go to sleep on their own. 99 out of 100 nights our children are put to bed, said goodnight, kisses and they are fully asleep in less than 5 minutes.

So don't let anyone tell you you'll never get them out of your bed, you will

Good luck to you,