[Dolphins1]

Has anyone encountered this.

We just brought our daughter home at 15 months and she won't go near my husband. It seems she was cared for by woman only and in March was removed from her orphanage and put in foster care. Her foster mom was divorced and lived alone.

She screams every time my husband goes near her. She has improved somewhat because the first day she could not even tollerate him in the room. We ended up separating for the entire day because my husband had a hard time with the rejection. She now lets him play with her at arm's length but still will not let him hold her or feed her. She has bonded to me wonderfully, to the point where she is jelous (sp?) if anyone goes near me, especially my husband. She seems especially bright, she has figured out how to work it all.

[Bitsy]

This is VERY normal for a 15 month old. Your husband is still a stranger to her and children at this age struggle a lot with stranger anxiety. BUT, the good news is that he will soon not be a stranger in her eyes, but someone who loves her! It will take a little time, but she will come around. I've heard this from lots of people. Just assure your husband that it is not him and if he is patient, he will soon have her wrapped around her little finger (or it may be the other way around!) Either way, time will take care of it. Time, and lots of love and patience.

God bless you all,

[Jensboys]

First off ... when adopting a toddler or older child you MUST realize that bonding and attachment simply take TIME. She will not and can not bond in a matter of weeks. It will take months of consistancy and being available to meet her needs. What she has learned is HOW to survive ... that you are safe and will provide her needs. But she hasnt learned to trust yet because she isnt truely attached yet. Once you are psychologically her "mother" rather than just another safe person her attachments will grow to others. MAKE SURE you are not away from her for a long while yet.

Your husband needs to be consistantly available to her. To always respond in love and be very quiet and gentle (facilitating trust) but the REALITY is she needs to bond FIRST with her primary caregiver. You can feed her, provide all her baths, comfort her and he can be a "playmate". Once she bonds with you (which WILL take time) then she will begin to trust and bond with others.

Things your husband can do

1) play on the floor with REALLY fun toys while mommy does boring things

2) be fed by you as you feed her (eg share a bowl of ice cream, one bite for baby, one bite for daddy)

3) hide candy or other sweet things on his body for her to find. It makes touching him "rewarding" to her and thus he becomes a source of positive feelings. (show her how you put some candy in his pocket etc)

4) DO NOT have him do anything she doesnt like having done ... like bathing or swimming for the first time etc....

5) include him in your times as much as possible. Eg all read books on the couch together, maybe she will have to be on your lap but the positive associations are going to happen


And remind your husband OVER and OVER again that the idea of being someone's daddy is EARNED. It will take time for her to begin to LOVE you both, but it will come and it will be oh so rewarding because you will both understand the difficulties that she had to overcome to do it!

[tricecm]

First, sorry this is happening. I was expecting more of this too.

Have your husband stick around and be around you a lot. Have him helping you, hugging you, and just being a positive presence around the place. Slowly, she will come around.

I know this is different, but our daughter was deathly afraid of my 14 year old's best friend. The 14 year old's friend is the oldest of 6, so this was a new experience for him (he is a very gentle and loving boy with excellent instincts around young children so it was really surprising that she would be so scared of him). He just hung around the house as he usually does, and spent the day with our kids one time when our oldest babysat. By the end of the day, she was eating cheese and bagels out of his hand.

My son and his friend had taken her for walks in the stroller, she'd watched them shoot baskets together, he'd handed her her bottle with juice in it. She just was with him in a non-caretaking way, and began to enjoy him. Now when she sees him at the house or church or anywhere she's really excited to see him. It's really cute.

She'll come around. But it certainly hurts, I'm sure.

[csw]

Hi
It took about 2 months for Ana to go to my husband for any length of time without crying or whining for me...and she had been exposed to a male figure in Guatemala..the foster mother lived with her parents..now he can hold her and even watched her for 2 hours so I could go to a movie with my sister and she didnt cry the whole time! Give it some time...she adores her dad now and the first thing in the morning yells "Da Da" and looks around for him.. I disagree the babies cant bond/attach right away to one person..I had her one on one in Antigua and she was totally attached/bonded to me by the time we came to the states... Cathy

[spidermanteache]

Darlene,
We went through the same thing with Parker. He will now let "papa" hold him and bathe him and he will actually go out in the backyard with him. However, it has taken a while!

Hang in there. One thing that helped us I think was Rod would stay in the bathroom during bath time with me and help me. Also, he would sit by the rocking chair and rub his hair while I fed him the bottle. Eventually, we switched to where he would sit with him in rocker and I would sit on floor and rub his head. We still have issues with it still, so just keep trying everthing.

This too shall pass,

P.S. I want to know how your trip went. PM me when you get a chance!!

[oh well]

Sorry, couldn't resist, (line from mrs. doubtfire)...

We are almost finished going through this at my house (..got our annie at 24 months), and she really feared my husband at first too....finally last month (after 5 months home) she allowed my dh to push her in the stroller! a break-through for us... She used to cry sadly if he would try to push the stroller before this amount of time!!! (and we take her for a walk together at least 4 times a week)! I agree with others, it just takes TIME, our annie has been home 6 months & is now well bonded with my dh. Still perfers me at times though...
IT is hard on the rejected parent though. My husband felt really mad and sad about it for awhile. But I believe it will pass, and she will bond with everyone in the family eventually. Just pray for patience! Good Luck. oh well.