[JCluvsme]

we came home with our son on january 13th. i know it has not been long, but i am so sad, every day i wake up and think maybe this is the day, but it is not. my son hates me. he is 10 months and he cannot stand me. i admit he loves men better than women,but he will go to some women and stay with them without crying, but when i hold him he always looking fo someone to come and get him. when we went to pick him up he was not like this, he did like dh better but he liked me as well. but now that we are home and i am with him everyday, he cannot stand to be around me. i am the one who feeds hime. gets him to sleep, disciplines him but no response. he also seems a little depressed. he doesn't laugh like he used to or play. is this normal? i can't help but feel horrible i cry just about every day. we also have three duaghters and never experienced anything like this. what am i doing wrong? he just doesn't like me! i am sorry to spill my guts to you all but no one seems to understand and sometimes it seems as if i am going crazy. if maybe someone could help or give me some books to read i would be very grateful.

JCluvsme

[Shoshana]

JC -

You need to post this on the Special Needs/Attachment board. There's a woman named Lucyjoy who always has excellent advice about helping children attach and adjust.

In the meantime, don't despair! It's only been a few weeks and he's been through enormous changes. It is likely that he was very attached to his foster mother and thus, would find you more threatening than your husband. You need to provide for all of his needs - feeding, changing, playing, and holding. Try to get a snuggly where you carry him with you as much as humanly possible.

Just take it one step at a time. He does NOT hate you - he's just scared and confused and maybe angry.

[Chrysanthemum]

I agree with Shoshana, You may also try sleeping eith him for awhile. Don't be hard on yourself. With all of the changes your son has gone thru he needs time. Please keep us posted!

[JuliannaTeresa]

I agree with Rena and Shoshana!

With the Snugli or front carrier. Try singing also when he is in this!

[Cinday143]

JCLuvsme,
One other thing: I have 3 (bio) boys. I notice that they all seemed at various times to want to "test" me - it's like, they only felt comfortable showing their worst sides to the one person who they knew would love them unconditionally and "take it". I don't know if it's the same with adopted children (yet!), but that's one more possibility....

GOOD LUCK to you - I am sure with patience it will work out!

[csw]

Hi,
I am sorry you are going through this.. there are many ways to foster attachment, some have already been mentioned. You can use a Maya Wrap sling up to 35 lbs..the toddler hip carry is great...carry him all over! Also, co-bathing,,,skin to skin contact..and co-sleeping. I also just read somewhere, and please don't think I am nuts..but feeding the child ice cream while they are sitting on your lap , cuddling,, the lactose in the ice cream releases the same type of feelings that the baby gets while nursing..ie: bonding feelings...you have to be the primary caretaker for everything,,I know it is hard,,but at least for awhile don't have your husband feed him etc..
He will come around,,he is probably experiencing many feelings right now..it takes time..you are doing GREAT!!! take care, Cathy

[sassafrass]

I took a class on attatchment and I remember the Dr. saying that the problems arent with the person they dont want to be around. The child may feel confident with you already therefore not trying to figure you out or win you over.
I remember my boys always prefering to be with daddy (yes it made me upset at times) but when they were sad or sick or hurt. They always wanted MOMMY. Thats how I knew they still loved me.
He may be very bored with the daily chores of a woman taking care of a house and kids. daddy and others do FUN things that are different. Cleaning the garage, washing the car ect. my kids always prefer to go with dad on an errand than to stay with mom and go to the grocerey store. Putting shelves in the closet is way more fun than a load of laundry.
hope this helps.

[tricecm]

I have a few thoughts to add.

First, there is a great book by T. Berry Brazelton (I forget the name, but it's like Touchpoints or something like that). GET IT and read a chapter per night. Skip the first couple. One thing it says is that kids cry the most and carry on the most with the person they feel most comfortable with. That's why they can be so well behaved at day care and fall apart when mom comes to pick them up--they've been saving all the frustration from the little things that went wrong during the day, and the person they trust most gets it. So, again, snuggle your little sweetie.

Second, consult your pediatrician. You have other children so I'm sure you already have a good relationship with your doc. Call and ask to talk to either the doc, or even a pediatric nurse practitioner. Likely they have dealt with stuff like this before.

Our baby from Guatemala will be our 4th child (1st adoption), and that was one thing that always created anxiety for me. I have a girlfriend who just had her 6th baby (1st girl), and she just carries the baby on her hip while the baby cries. She's fed, clean, healthy, etc....just crying for no apparent reason. She just needs to be held.

Good luck, and quit being so hard on yourself!

[Shoshana]

Two excellent books:

Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft
Mary Hopkins-Best

Attaching in Adoption: Practical tools for Today's Parents
Deborah D. Gray

[JCluvsme]

thank you all for giving me advice and especially understanding.i'l keep you posted on how it is going. again thanks to all fo you wonderful people.

JCluvsme

[cgille]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Your child has been through alot of changes in his little life. Give him some time - he will come around.

Christina

[sharon2322]

Just wanted to agree with everyone else's excellent advice. This is NOT your fault. Your little one is just adjusting to a huge change and probably grieving for his forster mother. The fact that he was so attached to her is actually wonderful news - that means that he has been loved, knows how to love, and WILL come to love (and like!) his mommy too! I am sure that you are doing an excellent job, and can't wait to see your post in a week or two when your son is adjusted and can't get enough of his mom! (Do read The Weaver's Craft if you haven't already - it will make you realize how "normal" this is for your son at this stage)

Sharon
Waiting for Angel

[heikkila]

I am currently reading

Attaching in Adoption: Practical tools for Today's Parents
Deborah D. Gray

you may want to look at it, too. It is a great resource and speaks directly to the kind of reaction your child seems to be having.

I also agree with what others are saying - that this is NOT your fault - you are not doing anything wrong.

Becky

[bennett/kevin]

those books are great but intended for toddlers and older children.
in my opinion a ten month old is still a little baby..

and he will feel some pain for the loss of his foster family...

try not to cry..or discipline so much ..dance with him ..have fun
take a fun bubble bath and play together in the tub...
put the music on..lie on the floor and tickle him ..wrestle with him
SMILE AT HIM EVERYTIME HE LOOKS AT YOU!!
kids pick up on emotions...
maybe he feels your sorrow?

good luck ..i hope things turn around for you real soon..

[Quinnie]

I had the same challenge when we first got home. She preferred my husband. I cried my heart out to this forum and got the excellent advice you are getting. I now carry her everywhere with me, talk to her all the time as I am doing things, sing to her, take a bath with her and massage her little body with my hands and soap - no washcloth. I sleep with her, too, and will continue to do so until SHE is ready, not me. Actually, I love sleeping with her.

My husband leaves the house frequently and lets me have one on one time with her. It is working really well. I'm stressing over going back to work in two three months. I've worked so hard and we are doing so well, I hate to have to go back to work, but I'm the primary wage earner. It is tearing me up. Now I have to work on that.