[carterj6]

We came home with Elia in Nov, and as I have mentioned before, she has adjusted so well! I was home with her for 2 wonderful months, but I had to go back to work 2 weeks ago. A neighbor, who keeps a couple of other kids, is keeping Elia. I trust her completely, and she takes great care of Elia while I am at work. Here is the problem: Elia was in an orphanage in Guat so she is used to being on the floor all day long playing with toys and other kids. She is VERY busy! She never just sits or stands in one spot for more than 2 seconds. At the babysitters, all she does is sit in one place and hold her baby. She screams and cries when I leave which is normal for the age (and also a good sign that she has bonded with me.) However, she does not get "ok" after I leave. The babysitter just holds Elia all day so she won't cry. I have told her to put her down and let her play, and I think she tries, but with not much luck. Elia has started walking, but she does not walk at all over there. I have told the sitter to encourage Elia to play with toys and I think she has some, but ELia is still scared to death over there. It breaks my heart to think of Elia just sitting all day. SHe also hits the other kids when they come near her. We thought a day care setting may be more comfortable for her and more of what she was used to in Guat so we checked one out today, but we were not happy with what we saw. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions for us and Elia while she is at the babysitters? Is this normal for adopted children? Thanks so much for any suggestions. Jenny

[mckenna]

maybe you need to check out more daycare centers. judging daycare on just one might give you the wrong impression. in our area, we have a child day care asscociation. you can call them and they can give you a good list of what to look for in a childcare setting. good luck, i hope she adjust soon.

[becky]

That is a very difficult situation. Obviously Elia has gone through a lot of transitions in the last 2 months, and it may take her a while to go through yet another one.

Have you considered the possibility of having someone come into your home? At least then she would have the stability of being in her own home and having her own toys to play with and the surroundings would be familiar.

I typically tell the families at my preschool that if a child has not adjusted in 4-6 weeks time then it's time to try something different...because they just may not be ready for this enviroment.

Good Luck...I know it's really hard!

[soozeek]

Jenny,
I work at a daycare center and starting daycare at Elia's age can be a hard transition to make in normal circumstances. Does she go all day long every day? The kids who go all day seem to have an easier time. The experience that I have had with this adjustment is that given time the child will usually adjust. I would not change sitters at this time, it would probably just make it worse. Does the sitter have somewhere secure that she can put Elia to watch the other children play, like in a swing or in an exersaucer? For some reason, and I am not sure why, being able to watch as opposed to participate seems to help most children adjust, it gives them a sense of security. And these are kids who would normally not go in a swing at home. 2 weeks is not too long of a time for her to still be having a hard time, if she doesnt cry on the caregivers lap, that is a good sign that she will warm up eventually. This must be so hard on you, but give it time.
Hugs,
Susan

[crathke]

Jenny--although I was home with Aaron for 8 weeks, we still took my older boy to latchkey every morning before school, as we had before Aaron came home. I made a point of taking Aaron along for both the dropoff and the pickup, so that he could see that although we "left" Nick there, we also came back every day for him. It helped greatly in terms of Aaron's adjustment when he started daycare at the same center.

We felt that a daycare "center" would be better initially for Aaron for the same reasons you mentioned--it's a busier, more familiar place for kids who have been in hogars/orphanages. There is also more routine--sometimes the "in-homes" are more flexible with activities, etc. If you think Elia would benefit from that, I would recommend you keep looking.

On the other hand, two weeks is not a great deal of time to a little one. We found weekends to be particularly confusing to both our boys--it was like they never really knew when it was a "daycare day" or a "stay at home day" (they finally learned to recognize that if Mommy was dressed up, they were going to daycare...) If you have good faith in your provider, and it sounds as if she's trying...you might want to give it a little more time.

[Chrysanthemum]

I agree with Becky.I am an in home Child Care provider. I would give it a good 4-6 weeks before making any changes.

If you feel good about where she is hopefully she will adjust. Maybe send a few more toys from home so she has more "things" that are familiar to her.

If you do make a change, Call your local 4C agency or child care referral service. Interview as many people as possible and always, always trust your instinct.

Keep us posted!

[Chrysanthemum]

You also want to make sure that they don't just expect the children to "play" is there structure? Does your neighbor sit and play with her and help encourage her to explore?

[HappyMomAnna]

I am just going to add my feelings. We adopted our son and took him home 3-days before he turned 1 year. 6-weeks after he was placed I fell over the baby gate and herniated two disks. OWIE.

We delayed my surgery until after 9 months and felt that having gone nearly everyday to pick up big sister at her day care--and spending some time getting to know his enviornment there that everything would be just fine if we placed him in the day care for three weeks following my surgery. At the point we placed him I believed he and I had bonded very well and that he would be just fine in his day care--with the other children playing all day.

I WAS WRONG!

And even doped up on meds it didn't take me a whole week to see how this was effecting him. The first sign was that the day care told my husband he was so great because he didn't cry when daddy left him there like all the other children his age (at the time he was 20 months) But, he also didn't go poo while out of the house and by the end of the week he was hurting badly. We were only really told that he wanted to sit on someones lap all day---and if he couldn't he would sit under a table gripping a toy. At home he was angry with me--and started hitting me. He was very mad and pulled away more everyday.

After the first week we decided it was too much for him. And found family memebers to take turns staying at home with me.

Later after I recovered one of the young helper girls at the day care who helped with our daughters class told me that she made it a habbit to go down to our sons room and play with him. That when she came in the room he ran right over to her and smiled and played and cried when she left. She said it broke her heart because one day she came back about an hour later and found him under the table whimpering.

Once I was back on my feet it has taken the past four months to rebuild my bond with him. And after this episode it did become clear to me the bond was not as well established as I had thought before the surgery. We did not pick up where we left off--we had to start nearly at square one. I will say the bond is clearly better now--and he is displaying the behaviors I want to see (coming to me when he needs a boo-boo kissed, or food, or hugs) but, I have had to work extra hard the past four months.

I personally feel I made a mistake to assume our bond was good enough that someone else could step in and fill my shoes.

But at the same time I also believe that ALL children should have mommy around for at least the first 3-4 years so my feelings might be biased. I would encourage all moms to do anything they possibly can to spend as many hours of their child's life there with them. I would encourage any creative way to meet the financial obligations with as few hours in day care as possible.
I also feel that moving a child from one day care to another can make the matters worse! Your child needs to find bonds that are consistant and dependable.

You might consider working with your care provider and helping her understand the needs for your child to bond with her as well. The most important thing is that these children do build a bond with someone--a strong bond and if you are going to be workng then you need to accept the fact that what is best for your child is to build a bond with a primary caregiver--even if it is the sitter.

I would encourage your child care provided to become educated in the bonding needs of your child and I would ask your sitter to work on these skills. If a child is going to spend the majority of his/her waking hours with one person then that person needs to be responsible for helping the child learn to bond.

The only important thing is that we help these little ones learn to bond and if not with us--with the person who feeds them two out of three meals and kisses the boo-boos they get during the course of the day.

[jedatu]

I would look into having someone come into your home. That way your daughter is already comfortable with the setting.

I was a nanny for four years and have also worked in day care. I loved being a nanny and think it is a better option for most kids. It is probably more expensive than day care so that is something to consider. I also did laundry and light housekeeping while the children were sleeping. This enables the parents to have more free time at night.

Having someone in your home also enables them to focus solely on your childs's needs. Your neighbor may be finding it hard to deal with a crying child and other children at the same time.

Hope things are better soon.

[ruesugar]

Jenny,

One of our daughters was in an orphanage and even though she came home younger than Elia some of this sounds familiar. I was not happy with the care our daughter received. I was THE first person she bonded with and she really has had some issues with me leaving. Is she OK with Grandma and others if you leave? Is it just in the group setting with other children? Do you think that Elia is acting a certain way like she maybe had to in the orphanage to get the attention she needed? Maybe she just needs some time to realize that your friend will be able to take good care of her even with the other children. Or maybe the group setting is bringing back some memories that are not so pleasant? Is there ever a time when you could go to the sitters house with her and see if you can get her to play with the children while you are there? Hopefully she will adjust soon. It sounds like a great set up.

[oh well]

If there is any way for you to stay home for awhile, it seems like this baby needs mommy! Maybe you could sell a car, or move to a smaller house...downsize? Just an idea. oh well
ps. I KNOW many moms HAVE to work, but some choose to work.
If you HAVE to work, disreguard this!!!! Good Luck! oh well.

[JuliannaTeresa]

When you drop Elia off? What is your routine?

Do you get her involved in an activity ie playing in the Pretend kitchen, playing in the Shaving cream, singing to a tape etc?

Does the Provider see you as an active person and a Teacher who cares about Elia's stimulation, or does she see you as someone where she can just sit, and collect your money?