[Mimi Morris]

Hi everyone,
I am shocked at how many total strangers have practically demanded that I tell them about my baby's birthmother. My comment has been that the information belongs to my daughter and my daughter alone. Believe it or not I have had people continue to ask by saying you don't know anything about her parents? Of course, my response is that WE are her parents. What the H*ll is wrong with people? I am very firm with people, but I know I have made a couple of them feel very small which is not my intention, but good grief - enough already.
Otherwise except for a 4 day hospital stay for a kidney infection (which Carly is recovering well from now) we are having a wonderful time with our daughter. These babies are well worth the heartache that accompanies the seemingly endless red tape!!

Blessings to all,

[delaware1]

I'm so to hear people have said such things to you. My daughter isn't home yet, but people say weird things about adoption in general. I did have one person ask me (in a nice way) if I know anything about the birth family, and they followed up the question with "of course, after the adoption you're her real mother." It really warmed my heart to hear that. Some people do understand.
Hope you have a great Christmas.
love-
Kathleen

[dream mom]

I understand what you are saying we get that all the time! Who's the mom and dad, who, what, where, when??? I find it difficult sometimes to be nice but I try and educate, and say oh you are asking about her birthmother? oh well, she is awesome but she doesn't want us to share her personal info thank you! I say oh yes, I have met her mom and dad, I've met my husband and myself once or twice LOL!

[Damarius]

You can respond with humor - "Can you keep a secret? Good...so can I!", with a "smart" remark "I'll forgive you for asking such an insensitive question if you'll forgive me for not answering it!", or with an informed answer "we don't know much about our daughter's birth parents aside from (x, y, z facts), aside from the fact that they were not able to care for her. We love her dearly and are grateful that we are now her adoptive parents."

I tend to prefer the informed answer because it considers the fact that although some people are rude and insensitive, they might be less so if they were informed about certain things...

But you have to consider your child - if s/he is listening, how might s/he feel about the question and your response to it?

[Diana H.]

I answer differently, depending on who has asked. I believe it's possible to keep this information private in your answer without returning rudeness for rudeness. If I hadn't become educated myself by going through the adoption process, I may have asked similar rude/insensitive questions, not realizing how difficult they are for adoptive parents (and kids who overhear them!). If someone asks, "Do you know anything about the birth parents?" I answer, "I know a lot about the birth mother but not the birth father." I can then either change the subject, tell what I know if it's someone I trust and feel close to, or I give them "surface" information such as I know the birth mother loves him but her life circumstances prevented her from parenting him, or I say that the details are Isaac's story to tell if he chooses to when he's old enough. I've found that people really respect that last answer and don't pursue the questioning after that point. Sometimes I will mention the poverty and the lack of social services. I've found that if I mention that she's a single mother and Isaac is her 4th child, people begin to judge her unfairly. There are many more details than that, and if they knew the whole story, they would not be so quick to judge. So I like to keep that information private unless I'm willing to tell the whole story (such as to a close family member). I feel that I do need to protect the birth mother, too, even though she'd never know if I've shared her story.

[annelisa]

I don't really think people mean to be rude, they just don't understand the process and have alot of questions. If it is someone I'm close to, odds are I have already told them all there is to know. If it is someone who is interested and has questions, I try to tell them the "informed" answer also. .........about the poverty, etc. I have found most people to be very sympathetic and not judgemental. My friend (who is also adopting) and I have just come to the conclusion that unless one actually goes through this process, it just cannot be understood. Try not to be offended. I really do think people mean well.

[Jennifer Dixon]

Hi, I recently got a referrel, and I brought the photos of the baby to a party at my inlaws house. I was not prepared for the comments I got, such as" he is so dark"," hispanics have nice teeth so he wont need braces", and my favorite," I know alot of hispanics that work at fast food places and they are good at making change"
I was so shocked that I couldn't think of a response to those remarks.
I don't even have my so home yet and I am already dealing with stupid comments!!
I just had to share my experience with my crazy inlaws!!
Jen

[Searching_03256]

One of my clients tells people that she understands they are not meaning to be insensitive and that she realizes some things are just private. She agrees not to ask about the history of how they came to be pregnant if they won't ask about how her child came to her....

-Scott

[qs mom]

I often stumble a bit when people ask me about my sons beginnings.

I'm extremly tempted though to ask how many times they needed to have sex to get their children? Seems to me to just as invasive a question as theirs.

[JoelPapi]

Wow... I can't believe some of the garbage some have had to put up with, We have been lucky I guess, when people tell us he is so lucky I say no we are the lucky ones.

Yeah some people are not the most tactful and some may have never been exposed to someone who was hispanic. I think about some of the non-politically correct things my dear departed Grandmother used to say (she would be 101 this year if she was alive) and she gladly accepted my two nephews who were adopted from Korea and would have loved to see our son.

For those of you with close family who may not understand what a Latin American country is like invite them along on a visit. It may open their eyes a bit.

Joelpapi

[Kazmum]

Jennifer Dixon, I am APPALLED -- "they make good CHANGE"??? That is quite possibly

the

most

OFFENSIVE

thing I have ever heard. Good for you for not reacting in a way that lowers yourself to that person's level -- 'cause I'm not sure I would be able to contain myself.

Change.

HMPH.

,

K.

[mom*of*seven]

Two of my four youngest children are part LATINO. I get rude comments too. Some are innocent.... like from small children who simply notice the difference in our complexions. Some are really rude like if I am babysitting for the "little mexican kids".

Julia

[Kazmum]

... well, if it makes you feel better (or worse, as the case may be), my sister, who's black, and her white husband, have a biological biracial daughter. Their daughter is pretty fair-skinned, and when she's out with my sister, my sister often gets asked if she's the NANNY.

So it doesn't just happen to adoptive families. People can be "ig-nunt" no matter WHAT the circumstances.

,

K.

[Kate'sMom2B]

Some people are unbelievable!

My 5 yo son is Roma, or Gypsy, adopted from Russia. I know people are very curious when they see him with his blonde-haired, blue eyed little sister who is also from Russia (obviously, not bio-related).

Dh's friend's Mom felt it her duty to inform us of her opinions of the Gypsies in Russia (she was a missionary there for a couple years). VERY offensive, the terms and descriptions she used. Then, the next time we saw her, she said, "I hope you don't tell anyone your son is Gypsy. If anyone asks, I would tell them he's Bashkirian, it's much classier."

How RUDE!!! Nothing like a person (a missionary, no less), spreading unkind things, stereotypical things, about my son's ethnic group.

BTW, her son (surprise!) just last week was talking about illegal immigrants from Mexico and calling them cockroaches. I guess some people just have to put others down to feel better about themselves. I don't know, I'll never understand it.

[Savannah]

Mimi,

Congratulations on finally getting your little one home. I know what you mean about these questions. We are adopting older siblings so birthfamily questions are big issues for us. We don't have the children home yet (but will soon!), but I am constantly asked about their birthmother and why she is "giving them up."

After being nearly shocked out of my socks a few times and stammering with an answer, I have come to realize that this question seems natural to many people who are unfamiliar with adoption and who are struggling to understand how/why a mother would place her child for adoption. That doesn't make the question any more appropriate to ask, but considering this does help me in answering the question thoughtfully rather than snapping back with a rude response. (Yep, and then there are those jerks who don’t necessarily deserve a thoughtful answer—Grrrrr).

I've had to actually "practice" a response to this as I feel it's important to respect the birthmother and children’s privacy, and when you are caught off guard, you can sometimes reveal too much. I agree with many of the other responses here, that my response also depends on who is asking and my relationship with that person.

One of the best books we read in preparing ourselves for adopting internationally was "Are those Kids Yours?" by Cheri Register. I highly recommend it to anyone touched by international adoption in helping to explore the many issues involved in living as a multicultural family. She thoughtfully explores the “nosy questions” issue at length.

Best,
Savannah