[Kimberj71]

Hi everyone!

Well we got a call from our agency today. It seems they may have a potential referral for us!!! I am so excited and scared and nervous. I'm not sure if she's the little girl for us as we have next to no information on her yet. We do know that she is not a newborn as we had orginally thought we wanted. But we do know that she is a healthy baby girl.

Here's my question. What process did you go through personally in deciding if the baby you were presented with was the one you were meant to parent? We weren't expecting an almost 9 month old, but in someways having her be a little older would be positive for our family. We've always wanted close spacing with our kiddos and she would be 18 months younger than our youngest, rather than over 2 years younger.

Were any of you surprised by the baby you accepted? And how did you decide if the match worked for you? Have any of you ever declined a match? What was that like? We have been waiting since May for a referral, but I want to make sure this is right for our family and for the baby above all else.

Has anyone had experience with bringing home a 1 to 1 and a half year old (I'm assuming she'll be at least that old by the time she's home)? What was that like? So many new things to think about!

Thanks in advance!

Excited and Nervous, Kim

Mom to 6yr old boy, 4.5 year old girl, 2 year old boy and praying for guidance in accepting a referral for a baby girl for the first time!

[becky]

It's a difficult decision and one you need to give a bit of thought to...some things to ask yourself:
1. Are you sure that not having a young child is O.K. with you? You most certainly will be looking at a 15-18 month old by the time she comes home. Are you O.K. with this?
2. Is your homestudy approved for a child up to 2 years of age? If you put an infant, you will have to have that changed.
3. You should be made aware of the circumstances of her being put up for adoption. Is she a 'relinquishment' case, and if so why did the birthmother wait until she was 9 months old? If she is an 'abandonment' case then you will need to see a 'certificate of abandonment' before you even consider accepting a referral. Do not accept anything less than the actual certificate (no promises that it is almost done, or it is coming, etc.)
These things are important to know, because sometimes when children are put up for adoption at a bit older age the birthmother may be questioned more by the embassy or PGN officials.

Good Luck, and hopefully when you get more information you will just 'know' that she is the daughter meant for your family.

p.s. It is perfectly fine to not accept a referral...you definitely want to do what is best for your family.

[crathke]

Kim, I think a lot of people epect to have the "lightning bolt" when they are offered a referral. Instead, I found that it is a very numbing experience--you are torn between the "I want this baby!" feelings and the "is this MY baby?" questions.

We did decline our first referral; he was a perfectly adorable little boy, but there was just something not right--some vibe we weren't getting from the photo that both DH and I thought should be there. As it turns out, he was accepted by another family....and three months later his birthmother reclaimed him. I cannot imagine their anguish.

When we received the photos of the boy who became our son, again--the vibes weren't there. However, we took a leap of faith and accepted the referral; as time passed and we chose his name, began referring to him as a "real" boy (as opposed to Pinocchio, I guess)--he became more and more real to us. I cannot imagine any other child filling his place in our family!

This is a decision no one else can make for you. Just be comfortable with the idea that you may not be entirely comfortable with the decision you make....yet. God will lead you to the child that is right for you. And maybe He already has.

[csw]

Hi,
I had asked for a healthy baby girl..our facilitator e-mailed me a photo of a 8 lb 12 ounce , 22 inches long ,3 day old baby girl..I actually screamed with excitement and I knew she was the one right away! I never looked at any other babies. I have visited her twice in the last 4 months and know that she was meant for me. I finally have my POA back from the D.C. Embassy, so hopefully we will be in and out of FC soon and maybe into PGN after the holidays. If it feels right to you..go for it! Take care, Cathy

[tdintexas]

For both my sons, the referral wasn't 'real' to me with just a photo. Both times I had to hop a plane and go hold him. If your agency will allow, I STRONGLY encourage you to go visit. My first visit each time was less than 1 day, but knowing what he felt like, sounded like, looked like was absolutely priceless in terms of connecting with my son. Later, during the long wait, it gave the photos a certain 'life' since I could picture him using all six senses. The sixth being my heart & soul.