[Barbiescraps]

I just cant stop thinking about what my future daughter will 'think of me' when she is say 10, 14, 20. Will she say to me after an argument- 'Your not my real mother' ??? Will she want to find her birth mom??? Emotionally, I probably wont be able to handle those comments. I guess I am just scared of what the future will hold. We have a 4 yr old bio son- will she feel like she doesnt 'belong'? We are a very very loving family- group hugs and kisses, .... she will definitely be completely loved! I guess I am just ranting - do you feel scared and uneasy about what your child might think of you??? Please tell me not to worry! lol I think about this everyday!
Thanks for letting me talk about this

[Shoshana]

Have you read any of the other forums here? There are lots of adoptive parents in discussions about fears which are similar to yours. There are also many adult adoptees and birth parents who share their experiences. It's really difficult to try to explain a portion of the adoption triad without really learning about all aspects. These forums are a wealth of information and I think everyone who is adopting a child can benefit from them. It's so important, imo, for adoptive parents to let their child know that they are OK talking about adoption, and that they aren't 'afraid' -- otherwise, the child learns that it makes her parents uncomfortable. That's a heavy burden.

Your daughter may say, in anger, "you're not my real mom." And a bio child may say, in anger, "I wish you weren't my mom" or "I wish Tommy's mom was my mom." It really isn't any different. Kids say things they don't mean. Understanding where the words are coming from is what is important, not the words themselves.

Many adoptees DO have a very real need to find their birth families -- sometimes for answers to the basic questions that every other person in the U.S. takes for granted, or sometimes they wish to try to develop a relationship with their birth relatives. It doesn't matter whether the adoptive home was the best, most wonderful loving possible -- some adoptees STILL need to know. Being adopted is an integral part of an adoptees identity. All the love in the world can't change that.

I was adopted as an infant, and when I was 20, I found my birth mother. No one could ever take the place of my (adoptive) parents, it's impossible to recreate those relationships. But I DO have a good relationship with my birth mom, and my bio half-sister is my best friend. I wouldn't change that for anything in the world. They complete me.

Fortunately, my parents were always willing to talk about adoption with me, and they were willing to help me search. Yes, it was hard for my mom at first, but she so much wanted to help and to be a part of what I was experiencing. I'll never forget her support and believe it or not, the fact that I found my birth mother has made my relationship with my mother closer.

My mom sent my birth mom a copy of the picture of the baby when I first received my referral. She wrote "Ginny, this is our granddaughter." I had tears in my eyes when I found out.

Best wishes and I hope this helps some -- feel free to ask if you have more questions :-)

[csw]

Hi,
I have always been open and honest with my now 12 year old adopted son. We have always portrayed adoption as a totally positive experience..and,,I was lucky enough to get to meet his birthmom in Peru 2x and get photo's. I also have her address and when he is ready..we will go to meet her and his siblings.
I send photo's every year at Christmas. On occasion, he has said that I am not his real mother,,it does make me upset, since I have had him since he was 3 weeks old! Know that kids grieve in small steps over a period of time. He won't mention adoption for awhile and then all of the sudden start asking questions. We tell him that his birthmother loved him very much and wanted him to have a better life. Since it is a transracial adoption (my husband and I are blond hair blue eyed,,he has a medium brown complexion),,our son figured out that he was adopted at a very young age..although we had mentioned the word adoption since he was a baby. He was in the bathtub when he was 4 or 5 and was crying..asking why his skin was dark and ours was white,,and he said he wanted to be like us. It broke my heart. He then looked at his palms and soles of his feet where the skin is white and said "look mommy, I have skin like yours".
We have always celebrated his birth country. We are members of LAPA, since 1990, cook Peruvian food at Christmas and have lots of artifacts from his country (we had to live there over six months so I had alot of time to shop!). Just always be open and honest with them, and always treat adoption as a positive experience. The reason we chose a direct birth mother relinquishment program like Guatemala is because we have the birthmothers name and if our new daughter wants to go there and try to find her she will have an easier time. I have asked to meet with her birthmother at the end of our case and will send photo's and letters through the attorney for her ( he will have to translate). There are lots' of seminars for adoptive parents,,and also magazines like Adoptive Families do address issues like this.
I think our son realizes that he does have more opportunities here, esp as he is special needs..he could not have gotten the care and educational needs in Peru that he has here. Give lots of hugs and kisses and be honest and things will be ok. Take care, Cathy

[Inanna]

A real mom is the lady who brings you tea and cinnammon toast in bed when you have a sore throat, holds your hair out of the way when you're throwing up, paints red dots on her face when you have the measles and sleeps in the uncomfortable rocking chair in your hospital room when you get your tonsils taken out.

She's the one who helps you with your homework, bakes cookies with you on rainy days, plays Barbies with you and tucks you in at night. She claps the loudest at your school plays, wears the goofy wooden bead necklace you made her and proudly displays all the artwork you've ever given her.

She doesn't mind the wet sloppy kisses or the sticky-hands hugs, and even though she has cleaned the fingerprints off the window a thousand and one times that day, she still takes a minute to look at them in awe and realize just how big you've gotten.

A real mom spends your entire childhood preparing you to be an adult, knowing the whole time that every moment she spends with you is one moment closer to the day you will grow up, leave the nest and make a family of your own. And although she's not looking forward to that day, she knows that when it comes you will be okay because she has taught you all you need to know to be a good mom or dad yourself.

She's taught you how to love.

The bond that links you to your real family is not one of blood but one of respect and joy in each other's lives. Rarely do members of ones family grow up together under the same roof. ~ Richard Bach

[Barbiescraps]

Just a clarification- my husband and I will definitely tell her that she is adopted (at a very very early age) and tell it in a positive way. We will even travel to Guatemala as a family to learn more together about the culture and such.

[crathke]

'cause I certainly am not a "pretend" or "substitute" mom!

Barbiescraps, please keep in mind that you cannot prevent or change the way your child will perceive him/herself and you as a parent. As Shoshana mentioned, *some* adoptess have a very real need to learn about their origins. Others couldn't possibly care less (my best friend and her husband are both adopted and they have no desire to find their birthparents)

We are fortunate to have other adopted children (internationally) in our neighborhood; at age 3 our son knows he was born in Guatemala and that "being adopted is cool" (the other child's phrasing, not ours). All you can do is be open, honest, supportive and wait to see what happens. But fretting about it years in advance doesn't benefit you as a parent, IMHO.

[marykate]

Inanna, as an adoptee and adopting parent your post brought tears to my eyes. I could never have said how I truly feel more eloquently than you just did. Thank you I have only one person in my life who did all that for me and more that is the my adoptive mother she is my only mother in the true sense.
Kate

[jtmom]

You might want to look into making a lifebook for your child. A good book to start with is Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child by Beth O'Malley. Her website is www.adoptionlifebooks.com A lifebook is basically the story of your adopted child's life from birth to final adoption, with a special emphasis on your child's birth, birth parents, country and life with her foster family. I just made one for my 4 year old daughter. It is a great resource to pull out and read whenever your child wants to or when she raises specific questions. I went to a presentation that Beth O'Malley did at an Adoption Conference on lifebooks. She is wonderful and makes it seem so easy to do.
Diane

[stacyone]

Well, preteens and teens will say just about anything they can to get their way... I am not adopted and I used to tell my mother I wish I was!!! I was convinced that she had stolen me away from my "real" mother who was nicer, wealthier, etc. See, I was a Princess from another land and couldn't figure out why nobody around me knew that. The fact that my mother and I are virtually carbon copies, well, I conveniently looked past that.

I think the most model parents in the world are going to have rebellion. And if you think about it, adolescence is the appropriate time for kids to be differentiating from their parents. If you DIDN'T have rebellion, you'd know you'd done something wrong!

[Dawn080688]

Barbiescrap,

My husband has two adopted siblings. You can definitely see the bond there is between the three of them. He couldn't love his brother and sister any more than he does.

I think it also just depends on the child. My sister in law had no urge to find her birth family but my brother in law did.

Our agency had us read a few books. There are many books on the subject. You can go to any large book store and find books on this topic.

Enjoy today! Don't worry about what may or may not happen in the future. (But by reading some of the books, it does help you be prepared in case the subject comes up.)

As you mentioned about talking with your child, I believe this is very important.

[janadd]

The replies here are wonderful.... My first daughter, adopted at age 4 is now 11. She use to tell me stories of her parents and grandmother, all of which I wrote down for her. She has a photo album of our gotcha trip that is always available to her and she looks at it often. A few weeks ago she had an assignment for a family tree and to see if she could trace when the family came to the US or if she is related to anyone famous. I thought this might bring up a few questions until she called her grandmother for family info. We just brought home our second daughter from Guatemala, age 5. Again I expected questions but all she asked is if we were going to make her an album too.

I am honored to be a Mom of two great girls. We speak of adoption proudly and try to educate others when they are misinformed. I will never speak poorly of her bio parents or the countries of birth. We celebrate Chinese holidays and are learning about Guatemala holidays. I am blessed.

Janadd

[karabur]

I am an adult adoptee. My dad (step above father) adopted me at 12. He has known me most of my life. My parents started dating when I was under 2. They live together a few years and got married when I was 4. He has always been my dad. I think I said the evil phrase when I was 7 but never again. I wan mad and it was a cheap shot. My dad with tears in his eye said, " we may not have papers like other families but I would give my life for because you are the only daughter I've got." I cried and he cried. My mom was more upset at me than my dad was. I am a daddy's girl. I did test the waters before my adoption. I don't know why. I wore short skirts and got in my moms makeup. I even got in a fit at school. My mom was in shock and upset. So one night my Dad came in my room. He told me that no matter what I did get pg, drop out of school, or do drugs. I was his. He kissed me and told me I was too smart for this but if he had to visit me in jail to prove his love he would be waiting at the gates. It was almost the next day I went to back to normal although I did talk my Dad into letting me wear Bonnie Bell pink lipstick. After my adoption I left reborn. I changed I was at the top of my class. Skipped two grades. I have a learning disablilty so this was amazing. I finished college but my Dad loves me the same.

Kara
Saving for Caleb
Vietnam sign the MOU

[stacyone]

Kara: What a great post!!! Thank you so much for sharing it!!!!

[Cheryl Wirth]

I can completely understand how you feel. I think its a common fear of most adoptive parents. We have one bio daughter who used to be a frozen embryo! I also wonder what she will think when she finds out how she came to be. However, I also believe the most important thing is that you "are together" and YOU are her mommy. I have two good friends that were adopted. As adults, they both found their birth mothers out of curiosity. Both of them said though that their "mom was their mom" and nothing could ever change that.

Good luck to you!
Cheryl

[Diana H.]

Sometimes kids will say hurtful things like this to their parents as kind of a twofold test: 1. Can I manipulate them by making them feel bad? 2. How committed to me are they really? My older biological son tried this when he was about 4 or 5. His father and I have been divorced since he was 20 months old. One day when he was mad at me because I wouldn't take him to McDonald's, he said, "I hate you! I wish you were dead!" and then the dreaded..."I want to go live with my daddy!" Whoa!! Talk about hurtful! I very calmly told him that he could feel angry, but it wasn't o.k. to tell me that he hated me and wished I was dead because that hurt my feelings. I told him that no matter what he said or did, I would always love him, even when I feel angry with him. Then I told him, "I'm sure your daddy would love it if you lived with him too, but we decided that it was best for you to live with me most of the time, so that's how it's going to be. And we're still not going to McDonald's." Now Mitchell is 11, and that was the LAST time he EVER said anything horrible like that. I really believe that he was testing whether or not he could manipulate me as well as testing how secure his living arrangement was with me. I know this experience of mine wasn't adoption-related, but I think it applies to this topic.