[RaeLynn]

Hey everyone.
I have been asked to be a guest speaker at a MOPS meeting.
(Mother's of Preschoolers')
They would like me to not only give a testimony on infertility & adoption but to talk about any concerns or topics that those that have never experienced either of the mentioned to ponder on.
I was hoping that ya'll would be able to give me some suggestions and/or points of view that you yourself have experienced or know of someone that has. Such as: What words to say/not say, what things hurt those of us that are going through the process when other people that are ignorant/naive of the situation talk about, or any other personal ideas, experiences that you would like other Mom's to know.

Thanks so much!
RaeLynn

[TLynn]

Rae Lynn

Im not sure what to say about what not to say to people, as there were so many things said to me along my journey, that were so hurtfull. I think the biggest thing was when I was told to not try so hard and it and would be easier to concieve, just dont think about it. Yeah right, thats all you think about, oh or the ever famous, you and your husband must be having a lot of fun trying, yeah right when you want to get pregnant that bad and have been trying for years, there is no fun in it. But I did want to tell you something that my mother told me and it really made me feel as if adoption was the answer. I was questioning God and said Why doesnt he help me become the mother I long to be and my mother told me, that he was helping me. That just because God Didint bless me with a child biologically didnt mean that God didnt have a child alerady in mind for me. Just thought Id pass that along to you. Good luck with your lecture.

[Bonnee]

Here a few things that use to make me mad or hurt my feelings?

1.) I am sure when you quit trying so hard it will happen.
2.) So whats the problem? Is it you are is it him?
3.) So, when are you going to have a baby? Isn't it about time the two of you started a family? What are you waiting for? - People need to realize that many childless couples are not that way by choice and these types of question can be hurtful - even though they are meant with the best of intentions.

The main key is just to try to offer support to someone without being intrusive. Allow them to share what they are comfortable sharing without being pressured to "tell all".

Just my 2 cents! Good luck with your presentation - it is a wonderful idea!!!

[DKIM]

I gave a similar talk to our Mops group, and I shared a couple of poems. There's one called "The Easy Way" that was really good, and I did a portion of my talk on Positive Adoption Language. I pulled some of my material from Adoption families Magazine. If any of this sounds helpful email me and I'll send you more details.

Good Luck!!

[Diana H.]

I get annoyed with people telling me that I will get pregnant now that we have adopted. First of all, I know I can still get pregnant...carrying them to term is the problem, and miscarriages are not fun. Second of all, I don't want another baby. I would NOT be happy (at first) to find out I'm pregnant at this point in my life. I wouldn't mind having a third child, but I would rather adopt an older child now (hubby says "no", but I keep hoping that will change). Third, adoption was my first choice all along. I tried to get pregnant first because that's what my husband wanted, but we planned to adopt, anyway, because that's what I wanted. It seems that people often ask me why we adopted, and they aren't satisfied until I admit that we are infertile! They have a hard time accepting the fact that adoption was my first choice. I do have a biological child from a previous marriage, but I wanted to adopt before having him, too. Some of this probably doesn't apply to your talk, but I just needed to rant a bit since I just got back from a family reunion and had to deal with a clueless aunt. She even pointed to my biological son and asked, "Is that your real son?" ARGH! I answered, "That's my biological son." I wish I would have added that they're both my "real" sons, but I decided to give her a break since she's pretty old and meant no harm.

[RaeLynn]

Just wanted to thank all of you that replied to my thread. I still don't know how I am going to address the "speech" but ya'll gave me some really important factors to bring up to all the women. I too have been told and asked some of those frustrating questions. Hopefully more of us will get the opportunity to address this topic so more people that are truly innocent but ignorant of the situation will be educated. I know that most that have hurt me, have been unintentional, just truly unaware of the hurt they can cause by their words.
If more of you are still willing to give some advice to this issue, I still have time to add your ideas. My date of speaking is not until next month.
Again, thanks so much!
Raelynn

[marykate]

I have not been thru the infertility issues but am an adoptee. They need to know that our children are that our own babies,we are the mothers. Not to talk about those issues in front of children as they will for sure say something hurtful or confussing to our babies in school. Never tell our children we are not the REAL mom we are as real as a mom gets. Just some of my experience as having been there.

Best wishes for your talk what a great opportunity to help educate your community. I think you are doing a very brave and much needed thing. I am a teacher and wish more papents had the chance to hear this type of thing.