[emmacj]

i was told to come & write in this forum. i don't know what else to do. I dont have anyone else to turn to. i found out today that my birthmother died on the 16th june. i wrote her a letter, but if i had sent it, it would have been too late. i waited too long.

i dont know how to describe what im feeling. im aching. "sad" doesnt explain it. "mourn" doesnt cut it. "cry" doesnt fit either. its so much more than that. she was so much more than that, & i never told her. i signed up to this website a few months back, and left for a while to gather myself. i came back when someone replied to my post on the 20th june - four days after she died. i started expressing my feelings for her for the first time, i've never been totally honest about how strongly i feel about her before.

my adoptive parents are people who i thought i knew, but now i see i do not. when my mum read the letter that told me my birthmum was dead, she smiled. when my dad found out, he couldnt figure out what the problem was. i have lost three parents in a space of an hour. i have nowhere to turn. my parents think now that my birthmum has died, it's another 'problem' solved.

i have left home since i received the letter this morning. i am staying with a friend. she thinks i am stupid to have wanted to find out about my birthparents in the first place, but at least she had a room for me. she is going to help me get the rest of my things while my parents are out tomorrow.

from then, i dont know what i'll do. my world has crumbled. i dont even know if i want to fight anymore. there's nothing left.

it hurts too much

[Amandak249]

Emma,

I’ve been thinking about you today. Your story- your struggle- has touched me. I wish you all the peace you can possibly gather in this difficult time… unfortunately though I know that my words cannot do much to help you.

Why are your feelings towards your birthmother so strong? Do you have any idea why? This seems like a foolish question- but answering honestly, even if it's only to yourself, will give you more insight than any of us ever could. I mourn for my birthmother in a different way- I’ve met her- but we can never have a relationship because of her substance abuse problems and addictions. Though this is an entirely different scenario- the element of the “might have been” is still strong, and still debilitating. Rejection is intolerable. But the idea that our birthmother’s wanted to love us, wanted to keep us, and wanted contact- but simply were unable to do so- is perhaps the most crushing news of all. There is no room for peace- no room for “coming to terms.” The grief process is challenging- because we are grieving for something that is not concrete- someone we have not touched or seen in many years someone that we may have no conscious memory of. How do you grieve for someone who you’ve “never known?” That is the question that those who are not a part of our world can and most likely will never understand.

Do not allow your parent’s, friends, family members, or significant other’s tell you that you are silly to mourn this loss.

Perhaps a visit to her grave will be helpful? I had a birth family member die last year, while I was living in Italy, and I visited his grave a few months after his death- I drove all the way to the other side of the country to do so. Though we had known each other for many years- we never had the relationship I had wanted, though it was mutually desired. We didn’t have the time. I wrote him a letter, and left it there. With that letter I left my phone number. Whoever visits his grave will now know that I’ve been there- and they can contact me if they wish. It gave me the time to tell him everything I’ve ever wanted to say to him. I was left out of the funeral services, and the traditional mourning, as I was just the sister who was placed for adoption- “nothing important”. But that didn’t make it less important to me. I mourned him and it felt good. I mourned him and it was healing.

Your birthmother, whoever she was, whatever she did, and however she lived her life- will always be a part of you. You are made up of 4 people, Emma, just like many of us here are as well. With her death- you have lost a part of yourself. You and she are intertwined in such a way that can never be duplicated, never erased. She is still a part of you- honor that part of yourself. Live your life with the knowledge that a part of her will live in you. As long as you are here on this earth- as long as you remember that every breath you take is a result of her love- then she will never really leave you.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by emmacj

i was told to come & write in this forum. i don't know what else to do. I dont have anyone else to turn to. i found out today that my birthmother died on the 16th june. i wrote her a letter, but if i had sent it, it would have been too late. i waited too long.

i dont know how to describe what im feeling. im aching. "sad" doesnt explain it. "mourn" doesnt cut it. "cry" doesnt fit either. its so much more than that. she was so much more than that, & i never told her. i signed up to this website a few months back, and left for a while to gather myself. i came back when someone replied to my post on the 20th june - four days after she died. i started expressing my feelings for her for the first time, i've never been totally honest about how strongly i feel about her before.

my adoptive parents are people who i thought i knew, but now i see i do not. when my mum read the letter that told me my birthmum was dead, she smiled. when my dad found out, he couldnt figure out what the problem was. i have lost three parents in a space of an hour. i have nowhere to turn. my parents think now that my birthmum has died, it's another 'problem' solved.

i have left home since i received the letter this morning. i am staying with a friend. she thinks i am stupid to have wanted to find out about my birthparents in the first place, but at least she had a room for me. she is going to help me get the rest of my things while my parents are out tomorrow.

from then, i dont know what i'll do. my world has crumbled. i dont even know if i want to fight anymore. there's nothing left.

it hurts too much

Emma, Your feelings are totally, totally understandable and I know how it feels that 'sadness' and mourning don't fully cover the range and depth of emotion that engulfs one. I'd survived the sudden death of a-parents but my experience of 'found and lost' when I found that my b-parents had died before I found them was so deeply, deeply intense and hard to describe. And my bereavement this time was so totally confounding, confusing and ripped me apart in a wholly indescribable way, in no other way that I'd ever, ever experienced.

I'd read somewhere that the challenge of 'found and lost' is tripled: 1) we are confronted with the intensity of emotion that alot of other adoptee searchers face when we come to the 'end' of our search yet 2) we face bereavement but 3) the bereavement is unacknowledged and not understood in our society - therefore immense confusion can set in and further complicate one's grief. My feelings of emotional and 'existential' loneliness and abandonment somehow tripled.

When I searched for support, I found this forum, the Yahoo Group called 'Found and Lost' FoundandLostSupport : Found and Lost Support as well as met another adoptee via an adoptee support group who'd also 'found and lost' - and that was all. None of the adoption-related readings covered adoption-related bereavement and none of the bereavement readings covered adoption stuff. And when I went to bereavement support groups, everyone was raving on about their memories of their lost loved ones. And when I went to the adoptee support groups, everyone was raving about the challenges of post-reunion communication with their b-families. I was in a no man's land, if it weren't for the few measley supports I'd mentioned above.

And how awful that your a-parents and friends haven't been supportive and understanding. Even if they don't understand, it's so infuriating that they don't at least relate to the plain fact that you're hurting so much. Some people just aren't able to take that leap of imagination to empathize with someone who's walking (stumbling?) and hurting in different shoes - and I found that I felt even worse for it. Just when we need support the most, we're met with no empathy and even insulting comments.

I would encourage you to keep expressing your feelings here - or if you'd prefer to PM me, feel free to do so. While everyone's experience of 'found and lost' is personally unique, I can at least be here for you to offer some comfort during your very, very real pain.

[kdecrow]

Hi honey.

Unfortunately, I understand how you feel. When I searched for my son I discovered he has passed away shortly before I started my search.
The reason I'm telling you this is because YOU WILL GET BETTER. I know you're in agony right now. Just go through the pain and you WILL come out on the other side.

Know what helped me? After a few weeks, I was able to contact friends of my son's. I know so much about him now, I feel like I always knew him. You might want to try that when you are feeling stronger.

It's odd though. After you get to know your Mother this way, you will find that you truly do miss her. You will always have a connection to her. Go get it baby.

My email is kdecrow@mac.com if you want to write. I'll listen.

Kim

[kakuehl]

My dear Emma,
I am so sorry for your loss. You have lots to grieve, including the fact that your parents don't understand. I pray that you might find comfort. Do your half-siblings know of your existence? Through them you may learn to know your bmom, too.

[emmacj]

I dont know how to thank you all for your replies. I've heard a number of times how people don't think that words mean much, but I can tell you that your words got me through the night last night.

I also want to apoligise - I re-read my original post and it makes me sound suicidal! For the record, I am not. When I said 'I want to go with her', I didn't mean literally, or in that way. I just wanted the chance to see her, talk to her, touch her, before she left.

I have no idea whether or not my siblings know that I exsist. In the last letter she sent me in 2006, my birthmother did send photos of all her children. Every child had their each individual photo, smiling, laughing, playing. I treasure them so much, and I'm so grateful to her for sending them. The fact that she wanted me to have these makes me hopeful that they do know about me. I'm not sure whether or not to make contact (I wouldn't yet - they only lost their mother a fortnight ago). If they do know about me, I dont want them to know that I know and think I dont care about them. If they dont know about me, I dont want to uproot them even more than they have been. From memory, all six children are under 18. The two eldest were from a previous relationship, so they are now living with their stepdad only. I know how I am feeling - I cant begin to imagine their pain.

I went today and got the rest of my things from my parents place. I tried to go while they were out, but my mum was home. While I was packing, she spent the entire time ridiculing me. I'm stupid for reacting this way; I didn't even know her; She reliquished her rights when she gave me away.

When I didn't respond, she became nasty: She didn't want you; You wont fit in with them; Who would want you?; You were the product of a hate crime, that's all you'll ever be - a mistake.

I don't think I can ever forgive her for that.

My extended family have no idea what's going on - four of my cousins are still talking to me, and one thinks she's sleeping over next thursday night. How do I tell them about this? I'm very close to my cousins & I dont want to lose them, but they have always thought I was strange for wanting to find my birthmum. They don't mean it harshly - they just dont understand. They have never been nasty or mean about it all, they just dont get why I would want to find her, and that's ok - they dont have to. I just dont know how much more loss I can cope with.

I've become accustomed to putting on a brave face in 'the real world', and I think it's happened here tonight too. I don't want to get in the habit of that, because here is somewhere I feel like I can be myself. I feel like I can say what I'm really thinking & I wont be ridiculed for it. If I keep the brave face on here too, I have nowhere to turn.

Okay, brave face down.. I'm terrified. I've never lived away from my parents, and even though it was my choice, I know now I have gone, there will be no going home again. "Home" will never be my home. It's hard to explain.. I honestly don't want anything more to do with them, (& it's mutual) yet I'm so scared about going out on my own. I have never felt so alone in my life. I always had my mum there - yes, 99% was insults & ridicule, but she was still there. I think I'm numb - I can't allow myself to see the enormity of this or I will fall apart. My friend that I'm living with now needs me out in three weeks, as she has someone else moving in. What the hell am I going to do in three weeks time? I have nowhere to turn.

If I don't chuck this wall back up I'm going to lose it, so thank you all again for your replies.. They mean more than I can say.

-Emma

[kakuehl]

Emma,

Take stock of your resources. Do you have a job? Have you explored the resources that are available in your area. In the county were I lived until this year, there was a place called "Next Step" that provided a place to stay while they helped you make the next move.

Is it possible that your amom is hurt because she feels rejected and has said things in her pain that she doesn't mean and will be sorry for? It sounds like she has said similar things all your life, but I'm not sure that is what you are saying. I would also take what she says about your bmom with a large grain of salt (unless they were best friends you were conceived!)

Again, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and that the parents you raised can't be supportive in the midst of your pain and grief, but instead add to it.

[Dickons]

I am so sorry Emma, so very sorry, you were so close yet so far...my mother passed away before I searched so I received the news via email from my CI.

Your walls will protect you from those who will never understand but please do not allow them to always be up - you will miss out on true friends if you do.

Go to your library and search for resources in your area - there will be something. Reach out and you will find an answer to where you can live.

Do not allow anyone to tell you that you cannot mourn, you lost your mother that you love, how could you not feel pain, anger and grief?

I am sorry that your parents are not there for you - that is incredibly sad and something I have no experience with. So sad how insecurities can cause such issues. My word of advice would be to try and stay neutral with your extended family, do not involve anyone else, let them come to their own conclusions.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[JustPeachy]

Oh, Emma, I'm so very sorry. I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better, but I don't. I just wish you had others around you who could be a better support to you. The things your amom said, well, to ridicule you and put you down in your grief is just horrific. I don't think there is any excuse for that, personally. Even if she is hurting or feeling rejected or whatever, you have suffered a tremendous loss. She needs to put her own feelings aside, at least for the near term. I'm sorry she can't or won't.

Do NOT deny your feelings, no matter what. If you cannot handle a visit with your cousins at this time, don't do it. You don't necessarily have to go into all the details if they won't understand.

Are there other friends you could stay with until you get on your feet? What a thing to have to deal with at this time, in needing to find a new place to live! That is not easy, but is there anyone near you who could help you out right now?

If you need us, we are here. We understand. And as a birthmom I can tell you the bond I feel for my child is absolutely unbreakable. I don't think death severs these bonds, either, I really don't. Pray to your birthmom. She will hear you.

[snuffie]

Aw, Emma. You don't deserve this. It makes me angry that your adoptive parents are treating you this way. Even though they don't understand or may be insecure that doesn't excuse their behavior.

I also found that my bmom had passed away before I found her. I was devastated. I had wanted to meet her face to face. To hug her. To ask her questions. To know both my story and her story. It was not meant to be and those who aren't adopted could not understand my feelings of grief. I am reunited with my 8 birth siblings. They didn't know about me and I was a shock to many of them. But they did welcome me and I was able to learn a lot from them about our mother.

I also believe that my birth mom helped me reunite with my siblings. And agree - pray to your bmom. She will help you decide what to do.

Hugs
Snuffie

[ripples]

Originally Posted by emmacj

I went today and got the rest of my things from my parents place. I tried to go while they were out, but my mum was home. While I was packing, she spent the entire time ridiculing me. I'm stupid for reacting this way; I didn't even know her; She reliquished her rights when she gave me away.

When I didn't respond, she became nasty: She didn't want you; You wont fit in with them; Who would want you?; You were the product of a hate crime, that's all you'll ever be - a mistake.

I don't think I can ever forgive her for that.

My extended family have no idea what's going on - four of my cousins are still talking to me, and one thinks she's sleeping over next thursday night. How do I tell them about this? I'm very close to my cousins & I dont want to lose them, but they have always thought I was strange for wanting to find my birthmum. They don't mean it harshly - they just dont understand. They have never been nasty or mean about it all, they just dont get why I would want to find her, and that's ok - they dont have to. I just dont know how much more loss I can cope with.

I've become accustomed to putting on a brave face in 'the real world', and I think it's happened here tonight too. I don't want to get in the habit of that, because here is somewhere I feel like I can be myself. I feel like I can say what I'm really thinking & I wont be ridiculed for it. If I keep the brave face on here too, I have nowhere to turn.

Okay, brave face down.. I'm terrified. I've never lived away from my parents, and even though it was my choice, I know now I have gone, there will be no going home again. "Home" will never be my home. It's hard to explain.. I honestly don't want anything more to do with them, (& it's mutual) yet I'm so scared about going out on my own. I have never felt so alone in my life. I always had my mum there - yes, 99% was insults & ridicule, but she was still there. I think I'm numb - I can't allow myself to see the enormity of this or I will fall apart. My friend that I'm living with now needs me out in three weeks, as she has someone else moving in. What the hell am I going to do in three weeks time? I have nowhere to turn.

If I don't chuck this wall back up I'm going to lose it, so thank you all again for your replies.. They mean more than I can say.

-Emma

Dear Emma, Your a-mom's replies are downright nasty and horrific. Even if she can't understand your need to search, still, you are in a LOT of emotional pain and if there's anything you need right now is emotional support and empathy. I'm so sorry that your immediate family isn't there for you.

I would highly recommend also seeking a counsellor, pastor (if your religious) or some other form of professional help as I found that during my bereavement phase, I was especially emotionally vulnerable and having a counsellor really helped. Bereavement in general, and 'sudden bereavement', can be a very confusing time and one's emotions can go waaay up and down - I've even read about (and personally experienced) incredible physical clumsiness during bereavement so please do take care. If you're not sure where to find professional help, perhaps look in the phone book under 'psychologists'. I did notice on the web that there's a USA-based organization called Adoption Crossroads that has support groups - if they're not in your area, you could at least phone them to see if there are any support services where you live? Or perhaps your doctor might know of good counsellors? I also found the following link Adoption Counseling, Counselor. Birthmother, Adoptive Parent, Adoptee Counseling, Therapy, Therapist via the adoption.com|adopting|counseling section of this web site - I've never used them, but perhaps they'd be of help?

As for moving out on your own - is there another friend with whom you can stay with after your current 3 weeks are up? During this emotionally topsy turvy phase you need a safe place to stay while the emotional tidal wave blows over. Do you have a job? My main concern is that you're in a situation where you're trying to find a roof over your head and a job while you're so emotionally vulnerable.

Again, we're here for you! There many, many people who can relate.

[emmacj]

I'm feeling a lot calmer today. I think I got overwhelmed & overreacted a bit. I'm okay. I shouldnt have been feeling like that when she's left six kids behind, one of them only four years old! It's them that need the looking after.

I don't have a job at the moment, I had taken time off to take care of my mother after she had a stroke a few years ago. I will go and see my old boss tomorrow morning I think - he said that there will always be a job available for me, so I'll take him up on it. I think I just need to be kept busy & I'll be right.

I haven't filled my cousins in - they are aware I'm living with a friend, & that's it. They know somethings happened, but they have the decency not to ask at the moment. I will tell them soon, it's something that affects them also. I dont want them to feel they have to take sides. I'm fine with anything they decide. Just go with the flow & see what happens.

I did have some good news - the gecko that I've been wanting to buy was able to be sold today, so I bought him to my friends house. I am really interested in his species, & I work as a vet nurse (providing I get my job back!) so the clients will be interested to see him too.

All in all, today was a good day. I moved the rest of my things out of my parents place, I bought the gecko, I organised a day trip with my cousin for next week. I kept busy, it was the best thing for me. I feel great. I'm still not sure what I'll do when my 3 weeks is up, but I'm sure something will come up. Worry about it in two weeks time

Thank you for your continual support & friendship. xx

[ripples]

Originally Posted by emmacj

I'm feeling a lot calmer today. I think I got overwhelmed & overreacted a bit. I'm okay. I shouldnt have been feeling like that when she's left six kids behind, one of them only four years old! It's them that need the looking after.

I don't have a job at the moment, I had taken time off to take care of my mother after she had a stroke a few years ago. I will go and see my old boss tomorrow morning I think - he said that there will always be a job available for me, so I'll take him up on it. I think I just need to be kept busy & I'll be right.

I haven't filled my cousins in - they are aware I'm living with a friend, & that's it. They know somethings happened, but they have the decency not to ask at the moment. I will tell them soon, it's something that affects them also. I dont want them to feel they have to take sides. I'm fine with anything they decide. Just go with the flow & see what happens.

I did have some good news - the gecko that I've been wanting to buy was able to be sold today, so I bought him to my friends house. I am really interested in his species, & I work as a vet nurse (providing I get my job back!) so the clients will be interested to see him too.

All in all, today was a good day. I moved the rest of my things out of my parents place, I bought the gecko, I organised a day trip with my cousin for next week. I kept busy, it was the best thing for me. I feel great. I'm still not sure what I'll do when my 3 weeks is up, but I'm sure something will come up. Worry about it in two weeks time

Thank you for your continual support & friendship. xx

Glad to hear that you're feeling better today - again, post-reunion/bereavement is a very up and down journey. I'm also glad to hear that your former boss may be interested in providing you with some work. Perhaps you might like to consider part-time work to give yourself some space to deal with your emotions/family, etc;

[bakerjw]

You're certainly handling it a lot better than I would have handled it. My heart goes out to you.
John

[shariannie1]

Hello
I'm so very sorry to hear of your losses.

Too many at one time.

It is never stupid to want to find birthparents. The only problem is sometime we can face rejection, pain, and death but we don't know until we search.

I'm also so sorry about your adopted parents. Not to make excuses for either of them but it might have been a situation with at least your adopted mom that she was scared and felt frightened and threatened if you found your birth mother. But all the same that is no excuse to smile.

The letter didn't get sent. I'm sorry but it is not like you knew she was going to die. And you can't blame yourself for not sending it in time. You had no way of knowing this was going to happen.

Now, you have not only one death but it sounds like two other emotional deaths.

Keep a notebook on your thoughts and feelings daily. This will help you begin to mend.

My good thoughts to you.