[pinklove]

My mind is spinning.

Yesterday, my daughter's birth father contacted me for the first time in 23 years. When she was 3, he abandoned her and then relinquished his parental rights. My husband adopted her (now ex-husband). She has thought about contacting him over the years, but could never make up her mind.

But that isn't the problem. Our family can deal with this monumental surprise. The problem I'm having is with one piece of information he told me. He had a son, my daughter's half brother, who drowned in 2001 at the age of 2.

I'm just sick. It's such a huge tragedy, and I don't know how to tell my daughter, or if I even should. She still doesn't know what to think about him contacting me, or what she wants to do. And in the meantime, while she's thinking about what has happened and what she wants to do, I'm carrying this burden of knowledge about her half brother.

I don't know what to do. So far the advice being given to me is that I should keep it to myself...that it's not my responsibility to tell her...that it is her birth father's...and yet, what if she decides not to contact him? Do I keep this painful information to myself for the rest of my life?

I thought maybe someone here with experience in these matters might be able to help me figure out what to do.

[dpen6]

I would no0t say anything to her right now. Take one thing at a time. Right now she will be dealing with finding her bfather. As far as letting her know about her bbrother, I think I would let her bfather tell her. I am not sure it is something that you need to get into.

It is a horrible tradagy but I am not sure it has to be brought up at this time.

[Dickons]

Dpen gave good advice, this really should come from her father and if it doesn't then you can consider telling her but I would wait to see what happens for awhile.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[pinklove]

Thanks! It's tough knowing what to do with so many emotions clouding my judgment. Both of you are right, and it's best that I just wait and see what happens.

[Krose83]

No one told me about my b-brother dieing till a year after the fact. this was 3 years ago that i found out. I was more then highly angry!! I had to beg to find out. I knew something wasn't right and everyone told me i was crazy. now I'm not saying tell her right now. but when the dust settles from her b-father returning to the picture, I feel you should let her know. I wish someone had told me.

[RavenSong]

Pinklove -- If I'm reading your original post correctly, isn't your daughter around 26 years old now? If she was still a child, I would agree with the other posters about not telling her about her brother. But it sounds like she's a fully grown adult now.

I think I would want to know if I were in her shoes. I was a child of divorce, and I didn't see my dad for a number of years. When I was 12 years old, I unexpectedly discovered that he had not only remarried but had also just had a new baby, my sister. I found out by reading the announcements' section of one of our local newspapers. I was really angry at my mom for not telling me that my dad had a new family.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Pinklove -- If I'm reading your original post correctly, isn't your daughter around 26 years old now? If she was still a child, I would agree with the other posters about not telling her about her brother. But it sounds like she's a fully grown adult now.

I think I would want to know if I were in her shoes. I was a child of divorce, and I didn't see my dad for a number of years. When I was 12 years old, I unexpectedly discovered that he had not only remarried but had also just had a new baby, my sister. I found out by reading the announcements' section of one of our local newspapers. I was really angry at my mom for not telling me that my dad had a new family.

I agree with RavenSong. I'm of the belief that it's best to speak the truth, rather than hide behind secrets, as you run the risk of losing your daughter's trust. I know it's very painful news to break, but you can explain that you believe that it's important for your daughter to know the truth, that you don't want to keep secrets from her, that you know it's difficult for her since she's also dealing with bfather issues, that you'd have preferred for her bfather to break the news to her, etc; While I agree with you that it's really her bfather's responsibility to tell your daughter, he may not have the courage to do so. Nonetheless, you now know and if you don't tell your daughter, she may feel you've betrayed her.

Again, my main bottom line - as adults, we need to know and live the truth, no matter how painful it is. Good for you for seeking support in sifting through your options - it does come through that your heart is in the right place, i.e. caring for your daughter. I'm also of the belief that given the awkwardness and confusion of adoption, we all often stumble in what we say or do, but it's our underlying intentions that are what's important.