[D28Bob]

A couple of weeks ago, I found some new information about my birthfamily and contacted the widow (second wife) of my birthmother's late husband. She was very kind and gracious, and we plan to meet this week. (we all live in the Kansas City area.) She told me what she knows of my birthmother, and that I had a (half?) sister five years younger than myself who had died in February of breast cancer.

I can't believe the grief I could feel for someone I never knew. The part that seems so unfair is that I only identified my birthmother in December, and sent a letter then as well as a followup in January. I attempted a phone call at Easter, just 6 weeks after Victoria's death.

Yes, my timing sucked. Maybe that is why my birthmother Dorothy has not replied and cut the phone call off saying only that she could not talk or think about me. But to me, it will always feel like she could have told me, could have allowed me to meet my sister or mourn her even if I was just a stranger at the funeral.

Margery, the second wife, also told me I have a half brother (my search angels had found this out but I couldn't find any information on either sibling.) She was able to tell me something about Victoria, and directed me to a website where Vic journaled her last 18 months, her experiences and thoughts going through chemo, surgery, radiation, and the final spread of cancer into her brain. CaringBridge. Free Websites That Support And Connect Loved Ones During Critical Illness. God, it was painful yet revealing - she and I had so much in common! I grew up with an adoptive sister, whom I love, but who is totally unlike me. Victoria loved music, art, books, and was a free spirit who lived for her friends - just as I do.

I was fortunate to find her best friend, whom I have had a couple of phone calls and emails with and plan to meet soon. Through her, I hope to gain some understanding of the wonderful person I missed meeting by just a few months. Who I wish I could have brought perhaps a little comfort or happiness to as well. Ironically, she had found out years ago that her mother had given up a son before Vic was born - she told this to her best friend during the last months of her life.

I'm wondering if meeting those who knew Victoria well may spark some recognition of her in me - whether by appearance or mannerism. And I'm wondering about contacting her brother. I told my birthmother in my letters that I would not attempt to contact her other children until she was comfortable with it, that I preferred she be the one to tell them about me. I now regret that, but at some point I feel I have to know more; I told my daughter about her aunt's breast cancer for her own protection.

It appears from those who knew Victoria and my birthmother that she is a hard nut to crack. So I'm close to giving up hope of building any kind of a relationship with her - pissing her off - if it will get me the medical information from her side of the family and if she will identify my father so I can check out that side of the family.

Any comments or suggestions are welcome - I'm in a place where I've never been before, but there are people on this forum who have been.

[Dickons]

My heart cries for you...contact her brother...he supported her throughout. Reach out to him, he may need you too.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Janet Heath]

Bob,

I am so sorry. Am so glad that the 2nd wife of your birthmother's late husband is talking. She must be a very compassionate lady and is giving you some insights. I hope that your birthmother comes around. I know how frustrating this all is.

My heart goes out to you.

[Jackiejdajda]

Yes, my timing sucked. Maybe that is why my birthmother Dorothy has not replied and cut the phone call off saying only that she could not talk or think about me..

I would give her some time..


Jackie

[bmomto2_momto2]

I am sure you are going to get plenty of different pieces of advice to your post. I believe you need to do what you feel in your heart is best for you. I think that most people would agree that our time here is short. Armed with that knowledge, you have to be able to determine what is most important in your life and reach for those things. I wish all the best for you.