[hking01]

Hi everyone....I am somewhat new, I posted a few years back with no success. But I am back. Basically no one in my birth family died...I mean....I actually dont know, but my adopted Mother passed a few years back. I was searching before she passed, and it seemed like after she passed would give me all the more reason to find my birth mother, but it didnt. Instead I sort of feel like I am doing something wrong. Before her passing my mother knew I wanted to find my birth family, and she seemed behind me in my decision. I still feel bad though. She has been gone now 4 years this coming january. I suppose it is time for me to come to grips with it....you think? I suppose I would just like some words of wisdom....to not only make me feel better about continuing my search without my mother behind me ....but continuing my search period. After so many years ( I started at 18 and I am 28) it starts to seem a little worthless. I suppose its like fishing....if you could atleast get a few nips....you would stay out there in the water for awhile longer.

[Juliana13]

Adptive mom here, with a few thoughts: Your mom would have wanted you to be happy, healthy and fulfilled. She knew of your search, and was fine with it (not that that should sway you, you need to do what you need to for YOU), but you can safely assume that she'd still be supportive of you in this.

You don't have to feel bad. It's not like you are replacing your mom. You are finding MORE of your family. If you don't want to, you certainly don't have to, it's up to you. But if this is something you want, then there is no reason to not move forward. It might be easier with your mom behind you, like you said, but now you need to move forward in whatever is best for YOU.

The best way to show love and respect for your mother is to bring happiness and joy to her child. You. Now you just need to decide if finding your birthfamily is part of that, and, if it is, then go ahead, without feeling guilty. Feel free to be you.

Yeah, and a few bites now and again would help, but...

Good luck!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by hking01

Hi everyone....I am somewhat new, I posted a few years back with no success. But I am back. Basically no one in my birth family died...I mean....I actually dont know, but my adopted Mother passed a few years back. I was searching before she passed, and it seemed like after she passed would give me all the more reason to find my birth mother, but it didnt. Instead I sort of feel like I am doing something wrong. Before her passing my mother knew I wanted to find my birth family, and she seemed behind me in my decision. I still feel bad though. She has been gone now 4 years this coming january. I suppose it is time for me to come to grips with it....you think? I suppose I would just like some words of wisdom....to not only make me feel better about continuing my search without my mother behind me ....but continuing my search period. After so many years ( I started at 18 and I am 28) it starts to seem a little worthless. I suppose its like fishing....if you could atleast get a few nips....you would stay out there in the water for awhile longer.

If you mom was behind you and encouraged your searching, then she must be sitting in heaven and wondering what on earth is taking you so long.


So get with it, mom wants to know what's going to happen with the next part of your life.

[Jackiejdajda]

I believe reunion happens when it is supposed to happen..

You wrote.

I suppose it is time for me to come to grips with it....you think?

I say you will know when the time comes.

Jackie

[hking01]

Thankyou guys...REALLY! Its nice to get good feedback like that! You made me feel better. I appreciate it!
Heather

[wldabtflrs]

Originally Posted by hking01

Hi everyone....I am somewhat new, I posted a few years back with no success. But I am back. Basically no one in my birth family died...I mean....I actually dont know, but my adopted Mother passed a few years back. I was searching before she passed, and it seemed like after she passed would give me all the more reason to find my birth mother, but it didnt. Instead I sort of feel like I am doing something wrong. Before her passing my mother knew I wanted to find my birth family, and she seemed behind me in my decision. I still feel bad though. She has been gone now 4 years this coming january. I suppose it is time for me to come to grips with it....you think? I suppose I would just like some words of wisdom....to not only make me feel better about continuing my search without my mother behind me ....but continuing my search period. After so many years ( I started at 18 and I am 28) it starts to seem a little worthless. I suppose its like fishing....if you could atleast get a few nips....you would stay out there in the water for awhile longer.

Your adoptive mother sounds like she was a wonderful person who loved you very much, wanted you to be happy and would support you in anything that made you happy. She wouldn't want you to feel guilty for looking for your birthmother, she would support you all the way, she loved you that much. Your birthmother obviously loved you very much, since she made the sacrifice to give you up for adoption when she couldn't take care of you herself at the time. I'm sure both of your mothers would want you to do what makes you happy and continue to look for your birthmother. Being a birthmother, who is looking for my daughter, these comments convey my feelings, as i'm sure, they convey the feelings of many mothers. Good luck, and many prayers, as you continue your search. My heart goes out to you.

[Valkyriestorm]

Im in thew same boat as u are. My adoptive mother died just about a year ago and my adoptive father died about nine years ago. Also lost my only grandfather and both grandmothers. I am also interested now in finding my birth parents too. But it feels weird doing it know that my family is all gone. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I have been a member of this forum for about a year now and no luck.

[wrgamom]

Jackie is right. Reunions happen when they are supposed to happen. You will know when you are ready to move forward. You are lucky your mother gave you her "blessing" beforehand. That alone will give you a sense of peace when you are ready, I think.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It is something I dread.

[wishfulthinker]

I can very much relate to what you've said. I lost my mom 8 years ago and my dad 6 years ago. They were also very supportive of me. As far as coming to grips with the loss of your mom goes, I think that is such a traumatic loss that you never really come to grips or get over it. It is just something you live with. Not one day in 8 years has gone by that I don't think about by mom and miss her. The panic feeling subsides and only rears its ugly face one in a great while now. I know that my searching is not at all about replacing my mom - that would be impossible. I am a grown woman with children of my own. I've already been raised. In my opinion that is what makes her my mom - she was there for me all of my life and raised me.

For me, I feel it is very important to find my bmom. It really doesn't have anything to do with my mom. It is the need to know and the need to let my bmom know that I'm ok and everything turned out alright. If I am lucky, maybe my bmom and I could have a relationship. I'm not sure what kind of a relationship what could be, maybe a friendship? I acknowledge that she is my mother and I'm really not sure how I'll feel once I find and meet her. But one thing I do know is that my mom will always and forever by my mom and nothing or no one could ever take away from or change that.

Follow your heart. You're not doing anything wrong. You are not betraying anyone. Do whatever you decide is best for you.

[jympmw1]

I hope that you will try to locate your bmom life is too short, take it from someone who knows about loss I lost my parents and a brother. dont' be afraid . best wishes

[bakerjw]

Life is short and should never be lived with regrets. I don't want to be on my deathbed and lament about the things that I didn't do.

My amom often mentioned that her h ope was that if I was to search for my bmom that I wait until she was gone before doing so. She came from a long lived family and died this last December at the young age of 88. I do miss her.

The search for my bmom has taken on a new sense of urgency. My bmom tried to contact me in 2000 but I declined contact due to the well meaning wishes of my aparents and the way that the situation was handled and blown out of proportion. If I do find her and she has passed away in these last 8 years, I will live with a lot of regret.

My advice is to not wait and to at least find the information. It doesn't mean that you have to make contact, but you will know who to reach out to when you are prepared and ready. And from what i've read and others say, make sure that you are prepared.

Best wishes.