[josh1788smom]

Hi. I was looking for some advice and support on this issue I have.

My son's birthfather and I have been friends and remained reasonably close for the past 21 years (our son is 18 - I am a bmom). My bson has talked to his bio-dad once on the phone. I don't think he had the best impression of him. My bson and I e-mail every now and again over the past year (almost). We are getting to know each other - nothing too heavy.

His b-dad committed suicide last week. My friends are totally at opposite ends of the spectrum about me telling him. He has just moved to college and started school. My initial thought is not to tell him unless he asks sometime. One friend said I should let him know in a kind of matter of fact e-mail - telling him he does not need to answer or say anything, but just that I wanted him to know. Another says - no way.

What would some of your thoughts be? Would you want the information??

Thanks for your anticipated replies.

[sal]

I'm sorry for your loss....I'm a reunited adoptee... and since you and your birthson have some contact... I WOULD let him know that his birthfather died....If that were me.. I'd want to know...I never liked having the "secrets" of my adoption kept from me...I prefer the truth...however painful that may be....sal

[irisheyes33]

I agree with sal. It is never a good time to share the loss of his birthfather...but secrets for many of us adoptees are a bad, bad thing.

Do you think you could pick up the phone and call your son for this one? Might be a good idea.

Anyway, that's my two cents. I know you're in a tough spot, and I'm sorry that this has happened. What a tragedy.

[gemini678]

Hi,

Honesty is the best policy, besides not telling him could sever the relationship the two of you have.

I was told my bfather is deceased. If this info is true, I was told ten years after it happened. I think keeping secrets makes this already difficult situation more difficult.

Wish you the best, you have my sympathy.

[krielly]

DEFINITELY agree with what others have said.

I'm an adoptee also......

He has a right to know....without a doubt!!!!!!!!!!!

I also agree that a phone call may be best

K

[josh1788smom]

Thank you so much for your replies. 2 other pieces of information -

#1. He has just started his freshman year in college - today.

#2. We have never actually talked on the phone. I think I know his cell phone, and he did say I could call him as long as I did not do it every day, just to say hi. We have pretty much only sent messages through myspace accounts.

Does this affect how you think I should tell him? Should I wait a day or so? there is no funeral because it was a suicide and his mom is not doing anything. Our bson is listed in the obit. First name only - no last name or town.

Thanks again so much; this is so hard.

[krielly]

there's never a "good" time to tell anyone about a death.

Maybe you could send an email to him telling him you have some news about his bdad, but that you think perhaps it's something you should discuss over the phone, rather than in an email.

Leave the option up to him, on how he prefers to receive the news.... He will obviously know it is something serious, but this way he can decide.......

just a thought........

K

[josh1788smom]

That's a good thought. I don't really know what he will think about the news. Should I tell him it was suicude or just he died? I didn't think I would start with suicide, but thought if he asked, I'd tell him the truth. I wouldn't want to lie about it.

[gemini678]

Tell him the truth. If he doesn't want to know, don't push it.

I agree with K.....email him that you have some news you want to tell him and let him decide how he wants the news.

I know it's hard but keeping this from him will make things harder later on.

[ocracoke]

I agree with all the others -- tell him. You don't need to be emotional about it if you don't think he will be. But being honest with him can only strengthen your relationship with him. I would have appreciated more honest from my bmom.

Samantha

[txrnr]

I agree. Tell him. I'd e-mail him. The first memory he has of speaking with you shouldn't be this type of news, or at least I wouldn't want it to be.

The idea of e-mailing him and letting him decide it perfect. It puts the ball in his court and he can decide his comfort level.

So sorry you are going through this.

[josh1788smom]

I told him. Sent him a little e-mail with just the fact that he passed away. Told him I'd be glad to answer any questions, but no pressure. He e-mailed back and sounded surprised (bdad was 36) and asked questions. I told him the truth - not too emotional, just the facts. I did tell him I hope this did not negatively impact his impression, as his demons just got the best of him.

I think he is processing. I have not heard from him again.

Next time I e-mail I will not bring it up unless he does at some point.

Thanks for all your help. What a merry-go-round.

[gemini678]

I think you did the best thing. I also feel you have the right idea in mind towards giving hime additional info.



Best wishes
Gemini

[josh1788smom]

Now my bson has deleted his myspace account. This was our only method of contact. I fear that it is because I told him his bdad committed suicide (after he asked how it happened). I fear he may think - what a couple of nuts, I dodged a bullet there. Better to keep them out of my life.

I guess I am hoping he messages me to know some other method to e-mail or contact him, but I don't know if he will. I try to do what is right, but it seems like I get the short end of the stick.

Some threads I have read say adoptees test to see if you will give up on them again. I didn't the first time, and I won't this time, but when he cancelled our means of contact, how do I let him know I have not given up on him? The e-mail about his bdad's suicide was the deepest the e-mails have ever been. They are usually light and friendly.

[krielly]

Don't get too concerned yet......
His deleting his myspace account may have nothing to do with you........
I know some of my son's friends have deleted their pages, and recreated new ones because of "phishing"

Does he have your email so he can contact you?