[carmel drake]

Hi All.
I'm looking for your thoughts on birthdays. My friend found her daughter almost two years ago this October. They are doing really well. Have had three or four great visits.

Last year her daughter told her that growing up, her actual bday was never celebrated by her adoptive family, but i think she said a got cha day was celebrated.

Last year my friend sent her daughter a gift on her birthday, but this year her daughter has asked that she not send a gift.

My friend had already bought the gift and now it sits on the sterio speaker over a month or so, where my friend placed it once she was told not to send it.

Has anyone on the forum ever not celebrated their birthday growing up. If so did you think it was ok not to celebrate it and only celebrate gotcha day. What can I tell my friend to help her understand her daughter's request.
Her birthday will be near the end of June. My friend won't send it if she is told not to, but I am wondering if she doesn't sent it will this hurt her daughter anyways.

Thank you for any input.
Carmel

[mom2GRLC]

I've head of it happening but I personally don't agree with it. I mean there are some cases you might be able to justify...like when your adopting internationally and you don't know when the childs birthday actually is.

But for normal domestic adoptions i just don't understand why someone would do that?

BUt your friends daughter seems ok with it. It sounds like she prefers it that way and i would respect her choice.

What i might do is ask her if I could send it on her Gotcha day instead. She may be more willing to do that. However she may just not feel comfortable recieving gifts altogether and regardless of how much it hurts her bmom her bmom should respect that. Maybe she could send her a "thinking of you card" on her bday instead, maybe that would be more appreciated. Or maybe she could write her a letter telling her the story of how she was born or that sort of thing.

You can show your love in more ways than just giving a gift or money. I know that when my dad gives me money/gifts i feel like he is trying to by my love and I sort of resent him for that...because he WASN'T there fro me when I was growing up (mine was a divorce situation not adoption). But I can see how some issues can come up even adoption related.

I would just tell your friend to follow her bdaughters lead and just let things develope and grow slowly.

[aisha101]

Perhaps she can send it as a "whatever" gift somewhere inbetween the two dates.??????

Why not celebrate the poor girls birthday and the gotcha day? It makes one day seem like nothing to her don't you think?

[RiverGal]

I think that is really sad.

What is even sadder is that the term "Gotcha" is even used in domestic adoptions.

For a bmother to send a gift to her reunited child to commemorate the day she was relinquished is just unnatural, IMO.

I like aisha's idea...a "whatever" gift...

~Deb

[mom2GRLC]

but her bdaughter doesn't feel comfortable celebrating her bday(a shame i think) my guess is that she feels loyalty to her parents and wouldn't want to hurt them. I think a "thinking of you card" is more appropriate to send for her actual birthday.. Maybe save the gift for the next time they have a visit and bring it with her or maybe christmas.

[carmel drake]

mom2GRLS, aisha101, River Gal, thank you for your input.
I agree that it is best to follow her daughter's lead and respect her wishes.
I read your comments over the phone to my firend and although it hurt her for a few weeks, she also feels as you do "show respect". Sending a nice Thinking of you card and then the gift at a later date sounds like a great idea.
Anyways thanks again for you time, is much appreciated.
Carmel

[babygirlwilma]

I Am A Adoptee And My Adoptive Parents Always Gave Me 2 Birthdays With Cake , Presents, The Works .even To This Day 46 Years Later Mom Sends A Birthday Card And Check For Both Days Beings We Live Now 500 Miles From Each Other Now On Occation We Get Together For At Least One Of My Birthdays And Its Always A Big Ta Do For Her To Plan .. What Would I Ever Do Without Her ???? I Am Looking For My Birthmom But I Would Never Trade / Or Put Her Second She Is The Mom Ive Always Known And Loved She Is An Forever My Angel,

[irisheyes33]

Just another thought, guys...

Birthdays are difficult for many adoptees...I thought I would be "over it" since I am now reunited, but I find myself dreading the day again this year and choosing to ignore it as much as possible without offending others

I would definitely say to give the daughter space around it...impromptu gifts given on some random day are likely to be appreciated though!