[JenMcHall]

I was just wondering if anyone else that has lost a birthfamily member before meeting them feels like they don't really "fit-in" with the majority of other people on this forum?

I know there are many of us out here, because I have received many kind words from others that are grieving, since I found out about my birthmother's death. But I really don't enjoy reading the other posts as much I used to. Especially when everyone is talking about how great their reunions with their birthmothers and/or birthfathers are going. Even the ones that have the information, but they don't know if they want to contact or not. I just want to scream... "ARE YOU CRAZY? You better do it while you can, if you wait, you may find out it's too late like I did!"

It's almost like, as an adoptee, I never really fit-in, then I came on the forums during my search and finally fit-in somewhere, ultimately feeling apart again after finding out my birthmother has died. Does that make sense?? I guess I'm rambling now. Sorry, I suppose I just needed to vent a little.

Thanks
Jennie

[wilted rose]

Hi Jennie, I'm sorry to hear about the death of your bmother. Your right,seems time isn't always on our side. I am in reunion with bmother and bsiblings which has been a blessing. However my bmother is dying of advanced leukemia and I live far away. When I found my bfamily, I discovered I was too late as my bfather passed away twenty years ago of cardiac arrest. As well, one of my bbrothers was tragically killed just two years prior. I am the youngest of their nine children and the only one they weren't able to locate in forty years, until last year when I began a search. I'm sorry for your loss.
Hugs,
Wilted rose

[JenMcHall]

Wilted rose,
Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear about the losses of your father and brother. I'm still searching for my bfather, I may find out the same thing about him. It's good that you have found your bmother and siblings, but I'm sure it will be that much harder to lose her, now that you've just begun to know each other. Luckily, you have your siblings to share memories with and make new memories with.

Thinking of you,
Jennie

[ripples]

Hi Jen,
I sooo relate to what you've said about the challenges of fitting in. I'm so glad that there's this forum on adoption.com - it helps validate the challenges of people who've searched only to find that their birth family member died before they were able to meet.

Yep - I recognize that I'm in a rather 'no-man's land'. Most adoption reunion forums/groups are talking about the challenges of their reunion (my birth mom doesn't want to see me, I'm not sure if I want to connect to my birth mom now that she's contacted me, etc. And most bereavement groups are mourning the loss of their loved ones and reminiscing about their fond memories, or talking about the challenges of the funeral or when their loved one was in hospital. I don't fit totally into either of these 2 groups so I just have to make do with what I CAN relate to. It still hurts - I keep wishing that at least I HAD met my birth parents in person, even for a moment.

Nevertheless, I still feel sadness and regret that I didn't at least get to meet my birth parents (they both died long ago), honour them with a proper 'good-bye' or funeral, etc; Now Eric Clapton's song, "Tears in Heaven" really ring true (he's an adoptee who searched for his birth dad, only to find out that he'd already died).

I'm so with you.

Yours,
Ripples

[krielly]

Jen,

Beleive me. You are NOT alone. I also searched in the Spring of 2005. First my bmom denied contact (at this time) and then to find out that my bdad died in March 2005 (1 year ago yesterday).

I find myself going back and forth with how I feel, just like you described. Some days I just "lurK" and read posts from others, not really responding.........as I wish I could share in their experiences of successful reunions....Other days I find I really draw strength from reading the success stories, and I post.....

Sigh.......... Anyhow, my point being that you are not alone. Even though I feel "different" sometimes than others on this forum..........I get TREMENDOUS support from everyone, and I don't know what I'd do some days without it!!!

Have you pursued searching for any birthsiblings, or relatives of your birthmom?

I just reached the pastor who performed my dad's funeral and he knows my dad's widow........he has spoken with her about me and just asked last week for any documentation I had proving that he was my bdad. I'm "waiting" again, as I mailed this to him last Friday......

It took me a few months to get motivated to pursue this again.........But I'm glad I'm doing it. His widow was his second wife, and the mother to 3 of my 1/2 siblings.....so I'm hoping there may be a connection for me with them at some point.....

Hang in there......... Post when you feel like it.......read and draw strength from others when that's all you have the energy to do. Good days and bad...........we're always here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs
Karen

[JenMcHall]

Thank you Ripples and Karen,
Yes, I am thankful for this forum,also. I was having one of those weeks where nothing seemed to fit right, you know? That's why I thought I would reach out for some support and I knew there would be someone to help lift me up. Thank You

I am in contact with my birth aunt. (my bmother's sister) She and her husband have been a blessing. Actually, I made contact with her through my bmother's pastor, also.We have met once and I am suppose to meet them again at the end of this month. I will be going to my bmother's hometown on the 1st anniversary of her death to visit her grave and possibly meet a few more family members. I still feel a little disconnected, but I'm sure that is to be expected for awhile. Plus, I haven't told my adoptive parents that I know anything yet, so, I worry about that too.

Gotta run....
Thanks,
Jennie

[hello&goodbye]

I am an adoptee, I am not in a reunion with anyone, but I did recently find out that my birthfather passed away about ten years ago. Wanna know how I feel? Nothing, not a thing, I did not know him, he did not know me. I actually kinda think he didn't even know about me. I lost my dad almost four years ago, and not a day goes by that I do not think about him. Hardest thing in my life, losing him.

[krielly]

Yes, I kind of feel empty a lot of times too about my bdad's death............hard to mourn someone when you didn't know them. But......for me........the mourning is more about the permanent loss of any hope of contact. About never being able to look my bdad in the face. I have a father, and was not looking to replace that, but were it not for my bdad, I wouldn't exist..........It's hard to think about...............

Jennie,
Still around? How are things?

Karen

[hello&goodbye]

I can understand mourning for him, if you had hoped for a reunion. That is too bad for you. I wish you luck on connecting with your bdad's widow and your half siblings. Then perhaps you will understand who he was and what he was like, the next best thing I suppose.


I, on the other hand was never looking. He never even crossed my mind really, just wanted some medical info. And now I know.

[nugget]

Hey Jennie,
I totally get it.
I found out after searching for 14 years that my birth mother died when i was one.
Seems there are days where no one gets it.
Yet again I looked to belong, to feel a part of, and was denied.
A slap in the face would have hurt much less then finding out the one woman I needed to Thank will never hear my words.
And that the people at adoption.com will never get it. The hope here some days makes me cry. other days it makes me angry, and there are even days where I try to help in a search and I too hope to find the rest of my family.
Our story is the one that needs to be heard before a search. It's not as simple as contact or no contact.
Big hugs to you,
Wendy

[krielly]

Wendy,

One word......AMEN....................

Karen

[carmel drake]

Originally Posted by JenMcHall

I was just wondering if anyone else that has lost a birthfamily member before meeting them feels like they don't really "fit-in" with the majority of other people on this forum?

I know there are many of us out here, because I have received many kind words from others that are grieving, since I found out about my birthmother's death. But I really don't enjoy reading the other posts as much I used to. Especially when everyone is talking about how great their reunions with their birthmothers and/or birthfathers are going. Even the ones that have the information, but they don't know if they want to contact or not. I just want to scream... "ARE YOU CRAZY? You better do it while you can, if you wait, you may find out it's too late like I did!"

It's almost like, as an adoptee, I never really fit-in, then I came on the forums during my search and finally fit-in somewhere, ultimately feeling apart again after finding out my birthmother has died. Does that make sense?? I guess I'm rambling now. Sorry, I suppose I just needed to vent a little.

Thanks
Jennie

Dear Jennie, I am so sorry for your loss. I know that you receive much support from this forum, but its always good to have other support as well, hope you do not mind that I send you this information....I know this lady "Denise" who formed this support group, She is a wonderful person.
Sincerely...Carmel

FoundandLostSupport

We have come together to lend support, and to validate feelings that are not easily understood by our friends and family. Only those who have experienced this type of loss can understand the immense sense of longing and love we feel for people we’ve never met.


From all the members of F&L Support - We are sorry for your loss.

Sincerely,
Denise Marconi Leitch
First Mother to Michael Joseph
DOB: 12/23/69
DOD: 5/26/88
BURIED: 5/30/88
FOUND: 5/30/03

[tanzy]

Don't feel like you're alone. My birth mother died when I was 2. I wish I'd have had the chance to confront her. I feel a lot of anger towards her and have no way to resolve it. I also waited too long to track down her parents (my grandparents). They have died also. I just found my half sister last Sept.(after 42 years). She got to see our grandmother a couple of times before she died. So she tells me stories. It's funny cause my half sister only found out about me around 8 or 9 years ago when she tracked down where our birth mother was buried. My name was in her obit. She's been looking for me all this time.------- I love this site. I feel like people here really do understand. We all do fit in here---cause we are all so different and yet all so much alike.

[Denise Michaels Mom]

Originally Posted by tanzy

Don't feel like you're alone. My birth mother died when I was 2. I wish I'd have had the chance to confront her. I feel a lot of anger towards her and have no way to resolve it. I also waited too long to track down her parents (my grandparents). They have died also. I just found my half sister last Sept.(after 42 years). She got to see our grandmother a couple of times before she died. So she tells me stories. It's funny cause my half sister only found out about me around 8 or 9 years ago when she tracked down where our birth mother was buried. My name was in her obit. She's been looking for me all this time.------- I love this site. I feel like people here really do understand. We all do fit in here---cause we are all so different and yet all so much alike.

I'm so sorry for your loss; if you would like to 'meet' other adoptee's who searched and found their first mothers deceased you can go to FOUND AND LOST SUPPORT in Yahoo Groups, in the mourning and loss category. Please pm me for the link.
The group is very warm and supportive. Hope to see you there. Don't forget to tell the owner you found the group through this site.

[MuzKerry]

Hi jen,

I know how you feel. At the age of 48 in 1998 I found my bmon but she was not able to handle a contact and so I left her in peace.

Was informed in Sep this year that she had passed away and as a result i met her eldest son by marraige. he is a wonderful man but i feel a lot of guilt because i met him as a result of my Bmom's death. Am slowly sorting thru the emtional minefield and am determined to come out in fromt but it is difficult. To make matters worse my brother humanised my mother as all i had had was two letters and a photo which has created a deep sense of loss. How do u mourn a person you have never met. To top it off the anniversary of my adoptive mother's death is dec 26 so u can see how Xmas to me is alittle bit offputting. But i will grin and bare it for the sake of my children grandchildren and my wife

Keep your chin up Jen u are not alone