[royaldutchess]

I have recently been reunited with my bmom and found out that my bfather had passed away three years ago, when I was a senior in high school. I am finding it hard to express my emotions and ask the questions I would like to know about my bfather. A few weeks ago I flew out to California (I am from Iowa) to meet his wife and my half sister who is 8. At first it was hard for me to look at the photographs around the house and to hear his wife talk about him. I have learned how to cope with loss when both sets of my grandparents passed on, but I feel differently because this was one of the people who gave me life. It seems harder on me than anything I have experienced before. I guess I am just asking for advice about how other people have grieved with something like this.

Thanks....Ashley

[spitzlvr]

You are asking a tough question. Dealing with the emotions of losing someone in your family is hard enough. But going thru the struggle of LOOKING for someone, then finding you will never have the chance to meet, well that just makes it harder.

I found my bFamily this past May. Both my bparents are alive. I have a trip planned to see my bMom in November. The whole family is quite excited. However, just about a week ago my bGrandfather died.

So I know where you are coming from. I took the news of his death harder than I thought possible for someone I didn't know. But I DIDN'T GET TO KNOW HIM! That is the point. I feel robbed, cheated of the chance to know him. It was like some big tease - I get to find him, only to lose him. The rest of the family will tell me about him, and I can get pictures, but I have lost FOREVER the chance to touch him, get a hug from my grandpa. It hurts.

I started writing this to tell you I understand how you feel, and you have instead helped me understand how I feel.

This is a safe place to vent Ashley. You can be MAD that he died, that he couldn't wait for you to find him. You can be SAD that he died, that you will never get to know him. You can ge GLAD that his family has welcomed you, and wants to tell you about him.

Most of all, you can BE. Feel what you want about his passing. They are your feelings, you are entitled to them.

It may take time before you can ask the questions of his wife. There are many things I want to know from my bparents, but I don't have the guts to ask yet. However, I think they will be pleased to know you want to know about your family. If you can't ask in person, you can send a letter. Explain how hard it is for you to ask these questions in person, so you felt a letter would be better. But put in the letter you would like to talk in person. But you are afraid to start the conversation. They will most likely start the conversation for you. It is ok to be afraid.

OK, I rambled much more than I meant to. I hope I have helped in some way.

Mary

[snuffie]

Hi
I am so sorry for the loss of your bdad. I had searched and searched for my bmom only to find that she had passed away 4 years before I found her. I really did mourn her as if I had known her all of my life. I longed to give her just one hug, to hear her voice, to let her know that I loved her all of my life.

But sadly that was not to be. Please allow yourself to go through the grieving process. It is normal and also healing.
Even though we did not "know" our birthparents in the sense that they were right here with us, I believe that we do "know" them and are very connected to them. Let yourself feel everything and along the way of this very difficult process and allow yourself all of the time you need.

There will be time later to find out more about your bdad when you will be able to see through your tears the man he really was.

Hugs

Snuffie

[royaldutchess]

First I would like to thank both of you for replying to my post. It helps me just knowing that other people are going through this as well (even though I know I am not alone in the world, sometimes in these situations you feel more alone than ever).

I am learning more than ever through this process to share my emotions with someone, to talk about what I am going through. Posting and reading the things other people have said has really helped me learn how to express my emotions to people I am close with-my friends, family, and fiance. But I am still not ready to ask questions about my bfather, or even my bmom's dad, who passed away a few years ago (I think 2002). That is my biggest struggle. Even though both my bmom and my bfathers wife have expressed to me that its ok to ask questions, i am still nervous and afraid that I will ask something that will upset them.(which is the last thing that I want to do....) I know I could ask you when is a good time, but no one but myself can answer that question. Even I am struggling to find the answer, but i know I will be ready soon.

Again, thank you for listening and giving me words of encouragment. Please keep in touch.

--Ashley

[Laura Palmer]

I am an adoptee who found both b-parents deceased & before I could get the chance to meet them. My dad died 20 years ago, my mom died right after I found her in Jan.2003. I felt horrible. It's not like I new them, but I always dreamed of meeting them someday. It is very hard, but you have to grieve in your own way. If you need to talk please pm me. It takes a long time to get over it, but I am just now starting to feel better about my situation.


Sue

[spitzlvr]

I was just wondering how you were doing. Have you been able to ask questions of your bParents? (There are still so many questions I have been unable to get the guts up to ask).

Drop a line, tell us how you are doing!

Mary

[royaldutchess]

Mary and those listening-

I have been pretty stressed with school and my upcoming jaw surgery that I have not been checking my posts and reading posts on here!

However, I have some great news in the development of my life! I was contacted by my birthfathers parents. They did not know about me until August and a few weeks ago his mother sent me a card. This was a huge relief off my shoulders. They accept me (believe it or not I was afraid they might now...)! They also cannot wait to meet me. I do not know why I thought they would not want to get to know me, but I guess thats just a normal feeling. I am in the progress of getting some pictures together and some letters I have written about my life for my bmom and my bfathers wife.

It does seem though that these good things happen when I am in the most stressful life situations. Last year when I learned my bmom wanted to meet me was during the last few weeks of the fall semester and my semester finals were approaching. I learned about my birthfathers wife wanting to have contact with me during the end of my spring semester and met with them towards to end of my summer with my birthmom. Now when my life seems to be taking the biggest turn (surgery and completing college) I have the chance to make contact with my birthfathers family (parents, siblings and their spouses and childern).

I am doing well, other than the huge amount of stress I deal with everyday. But one of my profs told me that its ok to stress about things-and its ok if things dont get done. Life always goes on.

Thank you for listening and caring!!

Ashley

[spitzlvr]

Your professor is very smart.

I am glad things are going well for you. Stress can be OK, just don't let is rule your life.

Jaw surgery? Yuck. I hope it is not to long a recuperation. Or at least, you get to lose some weight while recuperating!

If you need a place to vent and destress, just come here! We are good at that sort of thing.

Your friend
Mary