[leannh]

ok i hope i can explain this so you all can understand it. first a little background - we have been in the adoption 'game' since sept 02 and searching for a birthmom since jan 3rd - 03. so we were having a parent meeting at work(i'm a preschool teacher and once a month all the parents get together for a kind of parenting class) and i was telling my coworkers that i was going to announce at the meeting that 'someone at the school was hoping to adopt and could use their help' i gave out my agency brochures and put our school number on it. didnt want to tell them it was me cuz i didnt want a bunch of gossip, just figured if i got any 'leads' i would tell whomever had the lead. so anyway, one of my coworkers, who has known for months we are searching says "oh i should talk to my dh's cousin, her 15 yr old daughter is pg and they dont want her to abort and they Dont want to parent"....i'm thinkin...how long have you known this?!? and why didnt you tell them about me when you found out?!? it is SO frustrating that people dont get that..hey you're supposed to think of me when you hear about a possible adoption opportunity. so anyway, got over that and told her to Please talk to the cousin and let them know about me. so i waited a week and asked her today, telling her that i dont want to be pushy, but i do want to 'be there' if the chance comes up. so she says that she talked to the birthmom's great grandmother on fri. i guess this hispanic family is Very prejudice against african-americans and the baby is half hispanic and half african-american.(which is the reason the family doesnt want to parent) so anyway my coworker is telling her about me and this women is very suspicious wanting to know why i would want a half AA baby. now i'm thinkin she Should be happy Somebody wants it cuz She sure doesnt. anyway my coworker left her with my info and she said she would talk to the birthmom's mother and let her know about me and i guess my coworker will someday talk to the birthmom's mother and i will know more then. Now the Hard part....the waiting and trying not to get too excited and trying not to be too pushy and ask too many questions. one of the risk factors is that they all live in texas, and from what my agency tells me, texas has pretty tough adoption laws, so we would have to try and get the birthmom here for awhile before she gives birth. i dont know what it would take to get a 15yr old here and on med insurance. {{{{{sigh}}}}}}
i dont know what to do...nothing to do but wait and pray, i guess.

thanks for letting me vent

leannh

[Carolina Mommy]

First of all, congratulations on being able to talk about preparing to make an adoption plan among co-workers and friends. It really helps to be able to do that, but I know what you're going through.

My husband and I have had two failed adoptions in the past 15 months through an attorney in CA. We have specified a Caucasian/Hispanic child because we have a 3 year old of the same ethnic background. We are Caucasian. Anyway, our experience with the Hispanic culture has been that of solidarity of family. We hold no ill feelings for them or their culture. We completely embrace it!!! Our child is learning Spanish and we have many Hispanic friends. Oops, off on the wrong track!

Anyway, in the past three months we have been approached by a former co-worker and my present employer who say they each have situations for us. I've tried not to be pushy as well. But, each time I see them I just want to say.. Hey, remember me, the one you dangled a child in front of? I know that sounds ugly, but I guess in their defense, everyone just wants to help. They all want to see us with another child. But, that doesn't stop the mental gymnastics my mind does at all hours of the day wondering if either will work out. All I can offer as advice is to not let it slip through your hands. If you feel your friend is the best link to this birthmom then give her a copy of your portfolio. If you have selected an attorney to finalize your adoption send word to the birthmom that if she has questions she could talk to the appointed attorney. Just keep the fire burning until there isn't a reason to do so.

Good Luck to you!

[leannh]

we too are caucasian and i am deeply involved in the hispanic culture as well because of my work, i also speak a little spanish. so we are pretty much open to any ethnicityas far as a baby goes.

all my coworkers have a a networking packet with BP letters, brochures and business cards. i have made it Well known they can give my info to Anyone they feel might be able to help me.
i have offered to send the birthmom my letter and have her contact my agency, but my coworker wants to wait till she talks to the birthmom's mom before we do anything else....so now we wait.

i know the mental gymnatstics and the frustration of people seeming not to be agressive enough for my taste. it can be Nerve Racking.

thanks and Good luck to you too.

leannh

[leannh]

where in cali are you? we are in so cal, in the san joaquin valley.

[Marfrey]

My experience has shown TX adoption laws are not bad at all. Many states are far less conducive. There is no way I would even think about getting a 15 year old (whose family doesn't sound all that pleased) from her state to your state. She needs to have her support system in tact and not be there by herself giving birth and walking away (if she does indeed sign the relinquishment papers). Talk to your agency or attorney about all the possible factors but as hard as it may be you'll need to most likely continue looking and forget about this possible situation until you're able to be in direct contact with her or her mother... not using your coworker as a go between.

[leannh]

well actually that's is what we were thinking...she has no support system where she is, all her family is against her right now, simply because of the color of her baby(and it's father). we were thinking we could give her some support and some positive experiences. right now her parents are telling her that if she has this baby and keeps it, they are 'kicking her out'. doest sound like a support system to me.

and she does have some family here, my coworker and her dh and children. i would never consider using my coworker as a 'go between' with the birthmom, if she cannot 'feel' the situation out enough that i can make direct contact with the birthmom and the BGM, we are walking away.

thanks for the ++ view on texas, sometimes agency's get an opinion and it's hard to break away from that.

i know this is only our first 'hopeful' situation, and i need to be ready to walk away, but because it's my first, i'm just not sure what to do with all these thoughts and feelings.

thanks again

leannh

[Marfrey]

I forgot that this potential bmom is related to your coworker's husband. Sorry about that, my mind lost that info in the details. I think it's wise to be cautious in EVERY situation and ALWAYS be prepared to walk away no matter how far along you are. Until those relinquishment papers are signed, the child belongs to ones who gave life and birth.

Best of luck to you in your journey!!

[Carolina Mommy]

leannh,

Sorry I haven't been able to get online until now. But, to answer your question we are in South Carolina. We used an attorney in the Temecula area. He was wonderful during our first adoption (of course you tend to be on cloud nine and think everyone is wonderful when all goes well) and that is why we signed on with him again. Also, there isn't as much likely hood of us adopting a Hispanic/Caucasian baby in SC.

We actually found him through a faciliatator in Los Gatos. We matched through her in March of 99 with a birthmom in the Fresno area, but it didn't work beyond the face to face meeting with her. So, after a couple of weeks of healing we called the attorney and he started showing our portfolia. We got that wonderful call on April 11, 1999. Our son was born on the 24th.

Now we are just waiting for another God sent birthmother.

Kim

[leannh]

oh sorry missed that you were not in cali. fresno is not too far from us tho, just a couple of hours away.

good luck, i hope your wait is short.

leannh

[Support2Adopt]

I'm not trying to put a damper on things, but has anyone inquired about what the girl wants? Seems her family is trying to make all the decisions for her. Also, if she is thinking of placing, she really should have some counceling. Just be cautious here. JJ

[leannh]

thanks jj, and yes i have been thinking about what the birthmom wants. is seems as tho her entire family is against her. that is why i want to talk to her. not only for myself, but for her as well. she needs to know that there are people in the world that are on her side in all of this. no matter what she decides to do, she needs some positive during her pg for herself and for the baby. and i agree she needs some counseling, one good thing about my agency is that they offer unlimited counseling during and even after the pg. like i said, i dont want to push anyone into anything, just need to walk that fine line between letting things happen and being there if the chance arises. and if being there means just helping this child with some positive and walking away w/o a baby, then so be it. and again, like i said this is SO hard.

thanks again

leannh

[Support2Adopt]

leannh, I know it's hard. Just protect yourself in this situation. It is so easy to get one's hopes up, only to be let down. I think it's wonderful you want to be there for this gal, even if you don't end up adopting her baby. Have you had any updates? JJ

[HOLLYWOOD]

this girl will know how to get in touch with you if she wants to read your profile.