[Carolina Mommy]

Hi,

This is my first posting. I am trying to keep myself busy by doing anything and everything related to adoption.

My husband and I are waiting for for second placement. We live in South Carolina, but are working through a CA attorney. We have been waiting for our second child since a failed adoption 2 days after Christmas in 2001. It took 8 months before we were matched with another birthmother, but it also failed in August of 02. This was a terribly painful failure due to our 3 year old being with us in CA. He was very excited about bring his brother home to his house. Kyle is a very loving, sweet, and sensitive child. Oh, he is all boy, but he is very sensitive too! The child we went to CA to adopt was taken from our Hotel room in the middle of the night by a Sherrif's Deputy. This all happened due to a claim the birthmother's mom made as to the mental capacity of the birthmother. All claims were found to be untrue, but the family as a whole made many threats and we, after much prayer in a 36 hour period, thought it best for us and our child not to proceed with this adoption.

Now, we are back in the waiting game with anxious hearts. We know by our faith in God that our child will come to us when God's perfect timing is in place. That doesn't mean it will an easy wait.

My concern is this... Knowing how heartbroken Kyle was when we did not bring home a baby in August and the trauma he endured as a result, is it wrong for me to feel we should not take him with us the next time? Should we even tell him? I'm very torn about this. I've never lied to him and I would not ever do anything to make him feel betrayed. I wanted him to be a big part of the new baby's arrival.

We also need some feedback on Hispanic/ Caucasian adoptions. Kyle in 1/2 Spanish and 1/2 Caucasian. Both of our failed adoptions have been the same. We are starting to realize that the Hispanic culture would prefer the child remain within their culture at any cost. We have requested our attorney to search for another H/C child so Kyle would feel their was no difference. Does anyone have good resourses for this type of adoption. I have visited my Doc and let him know we are interested in adoption as he refers birthmothers to an area attorney from time to time. We are jsut telling everyone we know and aking for prayer as well.

Please respond

[khnath]

Hi,
We also have a 3 year old, and have had a failed adoption attempt. However, we never said anything real specific to our son and he has no idea as to the concept of time. We were in a domestic program for a year and nothing happened with that, so we switched over to international adoption. We have had 3 home studies done in the past 2 1/2 years and started our first attempt at a second adoption when our son was only 14mos old. We have only told him that we're looking into getting a little sister for him. Right now we too are afraid to say too much to him until we get our referral, and even then I feel like we should wait until our DNA test is done to make sure.

I would suggest a similar approach with your son. And just explain that one day he will have a baby sister or brother, and wait until just before you bring the new baby home before you start preparing him more. It sounds like your last experience was very traumatic, and I don't if this is sound advice or not but I wouldn't take him with you when you go the next time. Once you're on your way back you can call and pump him up about his new sibling then. The main thing is that he is aware he's going to have a new sibling sometime in the near future.

Our son has gone from wanting a dog to actually wanting a little sister, and we know that even though our timing was not right when we first began that we will have another baby soon.

We are currently waiting for a referral from Guatemala, and were told we should have one by April. We're not mentioning too much about it to our son right now, but every so often I talk (briefly) with him to see how he's doing and how he feels about it.

Good Luck to you and I hope you have a baby soon!

[denise marie]

Hello
I also had 3 failed adoptions and have 3 bio children.My children were old enough to understand and it was very very hard on them.we decided to do an international adoption .we have a 7 year old and when we knew we were bringing her home we involved the kids at that point.they helped make welcome home signs and was sooo happy about having a sister.our daughter has been home 4 months now and they love her so much.We are now adopting a beautiful 3 year old boy and the kids are very excited about it.He is also international.As a parent and seeing the hurt the failed adoptions caused my children i wouldnt say nothing at this point.

[Linny]

I agree with the two previous posts. When we knew about our youngest baby now, we did not tell our children ANYTHING, until the day to go pick her up from the hospital. Even then, we did not take them with us; and I prefaced everything with, 'well, if all works out guys, then I will be bringing home a baby.'
We had to legally wait until the time passed to assure that birthmom did not change her mind. Our baby was with us during that time, and even then, we did not name her, etc. I told the boys that 'if this is the baby for us, then she will be our baby. If not, then we have just had her for a little while and she will not stay."
I know it was hard on them somewhat, but we had had heartbreaks before, and I wasn't going to let them paint a rosey picture before everything was final.

As parents, we like to share our excitement and joy with our children. But, as we are awaiting to be matched with another birthmom........I will not give a lot of information out to my other children when the time comes, and we would not take them with us. But, we will let them know the news with caution.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Carolina Mommy]

Thanks to all who have responded so far!

I've jsut been feeling so horrible about my own feelings of not telling Kyle anything when the next one comes along. Thank you for your reassurances.

He is a very observant little boy and can really tune in to our behavior, so it's hard for us to talk to each other or to friends about the subject. Also, we have two nephews born to our family (1 day apart) in December. Kyle was concerned about which one would be coming home to live with us. That was a tough one to explain too! And now, our best couple friends, who happen to have his best girl friend just found out they are pregnant! It seems I am constantly explaining to him that these children are not ours; that God has another very special birthmother for us who will ask us to love, cherish and raise the child she is carrying. But, he thinks about it all the time. When we are shopping and I buy him something he always asks me to buy one for his baby. He can really bring tears to my eyes on some days.

Again, thank you all!

[wanttobeparents]

Carolina Mommy,

We went through that situation with our 2 1/2 year old. We were trying to prepare him for a arrival of a brother or sister. He began bringing children to me in the mall saying, "Mommy, take baby home!" I just hope Matthew doesn't bring a baby to me without it's parents attached. It will be difficult to explain.


What we did was change our language. We no longer say we are "looking" for his brother or sister, we are "waiting". At the advise of a friend, when we bring home the actual child, we will be "babysitting" until we are sure the baby is staying with us. For hospital visits, including cross country trips, try saying that you are visiting a friend's new baby. Only after all paperwork is signed and revocation periods are up do you tell him that the baby's mommy decided that the baby should live with you forever and ever. This is now your brother or sister.

Of course, saying this and actually following through with a 3 year old listening to conversations are two different things. He may overhear quite a bit, and yes, they do notice how flustered you are when you are getting ready for the arrival of a newborn.

Good Luck and let me know how it works out. I'm in the same boat.

Peggy

[faith_amom]

I am glad you posted this question. I am in the same boat. My son is two now, and we are waiting to adopt #2. As each day passes, he is understanding more and more about what goes on around him. I, too, worry about breaking his little heart. I like the idea of using the language of "waiting" for a sibling.

- Faith

[Carolina Mommy]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the new responses. We have a birthmother again!!!

We talked with her on Thursday night and had a good conversation. She has had a very hard life and really seems to want to do the very best thing for her unborn child. But, we find ourselves approaching this very cautiously.

We have not yet told Kyle about our new adoption plan and have decided not to tell him until a couple of weeks from now. The baby is due in May. We just need time to feel better ourselves before we tell him.

We are not taking him with us this time. We are trying to decide how to tell him we are going to be away for about a week without him. We've never been away from him for more than 1 night. I liked the idea of telling him were are visiting a friends baby, but he is too smart for that. He'll ask a hundred questions and I truly feel honesty is best between a parent and a child. He will be four in April and is very observant and intuiative. I'm amazed every day. I can't even talk on the phone without him figuring out who I'm talking to and what we're talking about.

I truly want him with us because he deserves to be included, but my fear is that he will get hurt again. This birthmother knows what we went through in August and was very sweet to tell us we would not have to worry about her changing her mind. She doesn't even want living expenses! So I do feel she is committed to her adoption plan.

What do you guys think? Help....

Kim

[Linny]

Kim:
I wouldn't even tell him in a couple of weeks. If the baby isn't due until May.....why not wait until until very near to the birth? At that time, I'd simply state to him that 'this is a baby we may get to bring into our family......but we will just have to wait and see.'

He is so young to be dealing with such adult decisions. I know you must be so very happy with this new birthmother....and I am happy for you. But, there is so much that can go wrong between now and then......why put all of this onto him?

If he asks questions, then by all means, answer them honestly. If he asks, "Is this 'the one'? " Then tell him that you are all hoping 'it is'. But, to be honest, tell him also that many things are 'still up in the air'......and if this baby is meant to be a part of your family, then it will be.

I think not taking him for the one week, is a good idea. If he is anxious about you leaving......explain that this is an adult thing and you and hubby will be dealing with it, and may return with a new baby......OR you may not. So much in all of our lives is 'waiting for the answer'. I think to tell him this early, to discuss it with him, etc (unless he asks specific questions)......is only going to cause more anxiety for him. I know you say that he is very bright and easy to pick up on things......but emotionally.....he IS still a young little person. Adoption details are 'big people stuff' in many situations.

I mean no disrespect, nor do I mean to offend. I just think our society so often feels that little people can deal with big things (and I am very guilty of this too, by the way...)......but in reality.......their little minds may SAY they can.....but deep down, they really may FEEL they cannot.

Please keep us posted on your happenings with this possible placement!


Most sincerely,

Linny

[Carolina Mommy]

Hi Linny,

Thank you for your honesty. I needed that! I am guilty of allowing Kyle to do more than a three year old probably should, not harmful things. He tries to read, he spells easy words, when in the car he tries to read the billboards by sounding out the words, so I get caught up in all of that and I guess a little proud too. But, it no excuse to allow adult decisions to be on his sweet little mind. I mean, even though he is bright he does still think he is Buzz Lightyear too! To me he is exceptional. His birthmother was extreamly bright. I guess he takes after her alot. Anyway, thank you for reminding me that he is still a lttle guy.

I talked with our birthmother this afternoon and she sounded good. She said she was getting anxious that I wasn't going to call back. I take that as a good sign.

I'm not getting too excited yet either because I know all too well that things can go wrong.

See, this birthmother has confided in us that she has used drugs and alcohol during this and her first four pregnacy's. All four of her first children are fine. I know that doesn't mean this child will be and that is something dh and I are dealing with. When we talked on Thursday night I didn;t think I could follow through, but after prayer and talking to our pediatrician, insurance co., and a detox center, I had the BIG PICTURE, and I'm beginning to feel more comfortable. I know this child may be born with birth defects or may have learning dissabilities. But, as I have been praying a real peace has come over me. I feel that if this is the child God has planned for our family that he has been protecting the baby all along. I know that sounds terribly romantic, but I believe God can do anything. We have plans to enter the birthmother into a Drug/Maternity home for the remaining 6 weeks. She really wants to do it. After she is admitted she will be tested thouroughly. At this point I'm not sure if the results will change our minds in any way. In my heart, I already have a child. Of course we pray he/she is healthy.

Now, the selfish side of me really wants the baby to be as perfect as Kyle, but hey, my brother is infintly smarter than I am and our parents loved us both equally. I know everything will be fine whatever the results say.

Please keep this birthmother and baby in your prayers. I will update you all as the results come in.

Kim

[FamilyBound]

Originally posted by wanttobeparents
We went through that situation with our 2 1/2 year old. We were trying to prepare him for a arrival of a brother or sister. He began bringing children to me in the mall saying, "Mommy, take baby home!" I just hope Matthew doesn't bring a baby to me without it's parents attached. It will be difficult to explain.

I had to laugh at this. We've been telling Ethan that the baby is at the "baby's house" and can't come over yet. So the other day, Ethan tells me "Go to baby's house. Bring baby home."

Originally posted by wanttobeparents
What we did was change our language. We no longer say we are "looking" for his brother or sister, we are "waiting". At the advise of a friend, when we bring home the actual child, we will be "babysitting" until we are sure the baby is staying with us. For hospital visits, including cross country trips, try saying that you are visiting a friend's new baby. Only after all paperwork is signed and revocation periods are up do you tell him that the baby's mommy decided that the baby should live with you forever and ever. This is now your brother or sister.

Of course, saying this and actually following through with a 3 year old listening to conversations are two different things. He may overhear quite a bit, and yes, they do notice how flustered you are when you are getting ready for the arrival of a newborn.

Good Luck and let me know how it works out. I'm in the same boat.

Peggy

Peggy, that is perfect advice, and I thank you for it as well!