[twyla]

I agree that choosing a couple from one of those tiny ads in the newspaper for the role of your baby's parents is a bit absurd.

I would like to know how you would feel about an ad that merely states the couple is seeking a Caucasian newborn for an open adoption and then gives the address of a web page where they have a long letter with lots of information about them plus tons of pictures. The couple's personal e-mail address and agency contact information would be available at the end of the web page so the mother considering adoption placement for her little one could contact the couple if she found she was interested in them. Of course this way contact need never be made if they were not what she was looking for.

I had considered placing just such an ad as I really would like to find a birth mother locally. I think the chances of a successful open adoption are much better when you live close to each other and can communicate face to face instead of on the phone, internet, or by mail only.

Please.. don't just tell me that you like this idea or don't like it, tell me why. I sincerely want some input from others about this. Others might be able to give me reasons why this is not such a hot idea and I want it tossed from all angles before I decide to actually do it.

[DianeS]

Some thoughts about that...

Consider the demographics of where you live. Are the people who are potential birth parents likely to receive the newspaper? Are they likely to have access to a computer? Are they likely to speak English? (In short, an ad like that might gather interest if placed in a college's newspaper because the ones who read that have the other qualifications as well, but it wouldn't work in a paper that was distributed in a mostly-Hispanic section of town.)

You'd need an address for the web page that was super-easy to remember and to spell. Expecting them to write down the address and carry it to a computer, or to remember a fancy abbreviation like WEWNT2ADPT ("we want to adopt") would not be a good choice.

And why not include your 800 number in the ad, too? If you could get a response from someone before they looked at your web page, wouldn't that be good? Some people may want the personalness of speaking to you before looking at information and pictures. If you get too many crank calls you could always take out the phone number and replace the ad for the next week.

Good luck in whatever your choice is!

[twyla]

Thanks so much, Diane, for the input. We don't have an 800 number and will not be getting one, so I won't have the option of placing that in the ad. I don't really want phone calls until the birth mother has checked out our profile and decided we have enough in common to be a likely match. But we do live in a rather large city, Knoxville, Tennessee, and the University of Tennessee is right here in town. (Both of us are alumni) And just smack me up side the head for being so dumb, I never even thought of placing an ad in the University's paper, The Daily Beacon! This is the best possible place for me to place this ad for us to attract a birth mother with a background similar to us so she would fit into our family better. Ideas of this sort are why it is smart to ask for opinions before trotting off to do something on your own!

As for our address, I built a page on the free angelfire system and then bought a domain name that forwards to it that is pretty easy to remember.. our names... www.randy-and-twyla.info

Thanks again for the fantastic idea!

I like the name of your site, very clever and easy to remember. Have you considered putting an ad in church bulletins, or asking the boys and girls clubs (or other centers where teens might go for help) if you can put up flyers.

I really think word of mouth will be what helps you find your match.

[twyla]

Hi, Jl Cauling!

In the words of the late, great Elvis, "Thank you, thank you very much!" For both the compliment on my site's domain name and the ideas you presented. When .info became available to the public, I thought it was just so appropriate since information about us is what you will find on the site.

I can't believe the first two responses to this were so fantastic and the ideas were so obvious I feel like a complete idiot for not thinking of them myself! But that's what I've got you guys for! The old saying "two heads are better than one" is ever so true and "the more the merrier" applies here as well, apparently.

[LilOne]

Twyla,

I would go for it...It provides the possible birthparent(s) with anonymity (sp?) as well as for you and hubby on the thought of not getting anyone's hopes up...It provides the pbp's with a "concrete" idea of who you are, what you look like, a peek into your daily lives (hehe I looked at your pages) and what to expect if/when upon entereing into an adoption plan with you.
In other words many questions answered, without having to go to an agency attorney and geting a bunch of information that they may not feel up to dealing with at that exact moment in time.
When we placed, our most important thing was finding a family first, (or at least getting an idea of one) and then dealing with the "other stuff" but our agency (we used bethany) wanted us to do it the opposite way...
I wasn't as internet savy then as I was now, but I like the profiles being online for this particuluar reason.

Anyways, Just my thoughts....

Lisa

Twyla - I just took a moment to review your website it's wonderful!!!!! I'm very impressed with the site and with the wonderful home you offer.

You are going to make a baby very happy!

[twyla]

Thanks so much, Lisa, for providing even more encouragement, I'm real happy to have you weigh in on this idea.

Jl Cauling, your response made me cry! I can't believe it feels so good to have a compliment from another potential adoptive parent! Thank you for the very kind words, they are so appreciated. Waiting to be chosen is a difficult thing to be patient about, things like this make it a little easier.

[twyla]

Lisa, I'm so sorry the couple Bethany had approved turned out to be so unworthy of the name "Christians". They certainly don't seem like anyone in my Sunday School class. And I can't believe any one in our local Waiting Families' Support Group could behave so badly, they all seem to be as strong in their faith as Randy and I are.

But in the agency's defense of insisting you figure out the other stuff before choosing a family: Bethany wants to be sure their Birth Mothers are aware of all their other options before looking at families. Their first loyality is to the woman who is pregnant and they want her to be aware of every resource for keeping her baby if that is what she wants to do. This is why they have one of the lowest adoption failure rates among all agencies. They make sure their birth parents are educated about their choices and don't pressure them to do anything either way. At least this is the way things are done in the Knoxville office.

[LilOne]

Twyla,

I think that the couple that we chose to parent our birthdaughter believes they are doing what is best for them and her in their situation..Do we agree, no, but it's out of our hands, as she is their child.....
Our experience with bethany was not pleasant, However, it wasn't bethany themselves or what they stand for that was problematic, it was our particular worker...The director of the michigan offices was helpful, and helped to remedy the situation to the best of his ability...
During our research, we've found out that it varies from worker to worker, to branch to branch, we just got one of those "bad apples" lol.
I'm glad to hear that your experience with them has been pleasant, and yes it does sound as if your particular branch office is ran the way that they present themselves.
I will say that the 800 number for bethany was very helpful when I needed them...Up to and including helping when our worker became unsupportive and "not there" like she was supposed to be..They were always willing to talk, always followed up the next day with phone calls to make sure I had gotten through the night ok, and did try to get a different worker for us to deal with..Unfortunately by the time this happened our daughter was already placed and the only thing left to do was to go to court for the tpr papers. On a bright note though, we did discover that she is no longer there, so I know noone else is going through the difficulties that I did, and the one that is now assigned to our case (for contact, information etc) seems to be very sweet on the couple of occasions that I have spoken with her via phone.
I wish you and randy the best of luck on your journey and hopefully your family will grow by many family members VERY soon!

take care
Lisa

The director of the michigan offices was helpful, and helped to remedy the situation to the best of his ability...

I made a call to Bethany in Michigan and was less than impressed with the gentleman I spoke with. He told me there was no point in adopting a young child and proceeded to hard sell me on an international adoption. I was really put off by the whole experience.

Twyla - I didn't mean to make you cry, but I really do like your site!

[LilOne]

JL,

I do not know if it was the same person that you spoke with or not..But here is why he was helpful for me and bdad in our particular situation.

As we were walking out of court after the termination hearing, our pregnancy counselor proceeded to tell us that IF thy found someone whom they felt was more suitable that they could move our bdaughter from the home we "selected" due to the fact that she was now in their custody.....
Needless to say, after just signing the rights away to our child I was an emotional basket case...
I started making phone calls, and the director (his name was bill) wrote a statement that was faxed to the aparents attorney stating that she (bdaughter) would not be moved barring extenuating circumstances (abuse neglect etc was my understanding)...so in that sense he was helpful.
Like I stated though, our pg counselor, was wretchid to us, but according to her "My aa bmoms just love me to death" she had complaints against her from others etc, but then there were those that loved her and thought that she was grand....
Although I will admit, we were told that our pg counselor was being terminated and then later found out that she was chosen to head up a new program...As of now though, she is no longer with the particular branch office we placed through.
And that was out of the mouth of both the supervisor of the office as well as the director....
Anyways, that was four years ago, and I guess I just learned to deal with the yucky treatment and get passed it? although I will admit, it wasn't till the beginning of 02 or so that I was able to do so.
Take care
Lisa

[MkMw]

Hi Twyla -

I thought about putting the link to our web page in the paper when we advertised there (only for about a month - other than that we were strictly on line) - I decided not too out of a desire to eliminate some pranksters(?) - noone contacted us from our ad, but I would have referred them to our website had they. I'm also against last names on-line in websites, I think that a phone call with someone speaks volumes, I told some PBMs my last name in initial phone calls, and I some I didn't (I think I talked to 6 total).

As far as ONLY (which is what I interpreted from your post) including a webpage address - not everyone has EASY and unlimited access to the internent! (Hard to believe isn't it!!), so by not including a phone number...

And, the 800 #- we got one, it was fairly inexpensive, and quite honestly didn't ring that much (which the only time you pay for it of course). We attached it to our computer line (I moved our computer to our home line temporarily) so that it couldn't be traced to our home. This was NOT because of PBMs looking for families, but again, to protect us and our home - my hubby is military and gone alot.

oh, and I think some PBMs are nervous about contacting an agency and having pressure put on them - but that is (obviously since I'm an a-mom) just hearsay!

O.K. - so now that I sound totally paranoid - our sons' birthmom contacted us from our website. The boys are 7 months old now, and we still exchange e-mails regularly with her. In addition I know her parents names and address, and they all have mine.

Anyway that's my opinon - I'm going to go check out your website now!

michelle

[twyla]

Hi, Michelle!

I'm excited to hear from someone that their web site actually worked to connect them with the birth mother! And with twins yet! Just what we, (me any way, hubby is a little nervous about it), have been praying for.

Was this a reasonably local match?

Ours is a fairly large metropolitan area with many library locations. Each library branch has several public computers and if the birth mother doesn't have personal access, she will be able to view our web page this way. I didn't mention it, but I plan to suggest in the ad that it can be viewed on a public library computer if she doesn't have an internet connection.

As to the phone number, we definitely don't want calls until after the birth mother has seen info about us and still wants to talk to us. Our ages will be a big turn off for most and there is no sense in getting our hopes dashed over and over again. I don't mention our ages in the letter, but we would have to have been married practically as babies to still be in our thirties and been married for 27 years! If she has a strong enough interest in contacting us after seeing our web page, we feel she will be willing to talk to someone at Bethany if e-mailing us is a problem because she doesn't have an e-mail address.

I realize I have created a few problems to just any birth mother being able to contact us... But we want to find the one God would have us match with, and I am expecting Him to over come any obstacle either she or we come up against in making that meeting happen. He is an awesome God and nothing with Him is impossible! Without Him, nothing is possible!

[MkMw]

Hi Twyla - I really liked your web page -

The boys' Birthmother was decidely NOT local - we were open to local (and will be again when we adopt again) but are currently not able to commit to an ongoing visit schedule because my husband is in the military and we STILL don't know where we'll be this July the detailer has been very quiet. We are hoping to stay here (in Virginia) but for now..."Home is where the Coast Guard Sends Us".

They were born in Durban, South Africa - we took them home from the hospital. We are hoping to go back to S.A. when they are 12. I probably "talk" (through e-mail) to her more now than we did while there - although she saw them 4 times after we brought them home before we left.

The funny thing about local - one of my best friends from high school called me about a girl her sister knew who lives 3 hours north of us - the DAY before my husband bought my tickets (usually my job, but I just couldn't do it - I guess I wanted him to be committed too - KWIM) but I already (and still do) felt that this - however hard was right for us....

I hope you are successful -twins can be a lot of work but they are truly double the fun!

michelle