[susanlowman]

Hello everyone,

I am Susan from North Carolina (new here). My husband and I are starting the adoption "paperwork". We have been considering and researching adoption for about 18 months now. We have decided that it is the right thing for us to do. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, but my husband does not have any biological children. We are going to have our first "home visit" this week and are trying to prepare. My daughter asked me last night what kind of questions they were going to ask her (she is very excited and nervous -- she only wants a GIRL!!). I didn't know that to tell her. Can anyone help me out?? What kind of questions do they ask at the first home visit??

Thanks in advance,
Susan in NC

[lucyjoy]

Usually, the workers only ask the children how they feel about having more kids in the home and if they feel like they'll still get enough attention. It's pretty painless for the kids. (You get to answer all the intrusive questions about everything in your entire life.) Just relax and be honest.

[susanlowman]

Thank you SO MUCH!! I am sure my daughter will be relieved!

[faith_amom]

We were childless for our adoption, so I can't help you re: what they will ask the kids. As far as how to handle the home study, just relax and be yourself. They WANT to approve you. I thought they were looking for things to find wrong w/us, but that wasn't true at all. And we learned so much during the process, including thinking through parenting issues like how to discipline the child. So, I guess you'll have the advantage of knowing some of the answers.

Good luck w/your adoption!!

- Faith

[twyla]

Hi, Susan!

Don't you feel much more relaxed now that the first visit is behind you? We would love to hear how it went and what kind of crazy things you did to prepare.

I made my husband secure the toilet shelf thingie (you know, the kind that has legs and shelves and goes over the toilet) to the wall so a baby couldn't pull it down on themselves and also the hutch on the dresser in the nursery to the wall so it can't topple over. I had every electrical plug in the house filled with covers. Were they impressed with my baby-proofing? NOT! They weren't even interested! I also scrubbed every horizontal flat surface in the house and was sure they would be looking for dust to see if I was a lousy housekeeper! In short, I cleaned from 4am that morning to 7:15 that night when he arrived to talk to us. I barely even ate anything that day. All for a short stroll through the house not even as intrusive as what you would do showing it off to your friends! It was almost a letdown, but I will say I was totally relaxed for the next visits!

[Howdy]

twyla, was there no checking of things being attached securely? I don't know whether to worry about it before the visits or after the first one. I don't know what age of child tries to climb up bookcases, etc. I'm hoping I can ask the social worker, but maybe they expect that prospective-parents should already know that?

[twyla]

Hi, DenverLiz!

I am an 'A' type personality and wanted to be ahead of the game and have all the baby-proofing done before they could say that this or that needed doing! They visit the home to make sure it meets with minimum state safety requirements (smoke dectectors in place, fire extinguishers, proper amount of bedrooms, etc.) and not to shoot you down because some little something is not done yet or done correctly. The first visit is just to see how ready you are and then they make suggestions as to what needs to be corrected. So don't stress out on me about the stuff I mentioned that I did to prepare. The state didn't check out any of my baby-proofing, but Bethany was much more through and I got to show off all I had done. It wouldn't have made a difference in either case as to us being approved, we would have just been told by Bethany that we needed to do some additional work before we could have a baby placed in our home, with another inspection to make sure it was up to snuff. No big deal, we weren't expected to have it all done on the first visit, that was just me being me!

As to you being expected to know all about what is needed for each age child, that's what training and parenting classes are for and most agencies, state included, will provide this training along the way. Don't worry about that either! As to what age a child starts trying out their jungle gym skills.... it varies widely, but usually when they start trying to pull up on things to stand, (anywhere between 7 months and 1 year old), you need to address the climbing issue so you stay one step ahead of them and nothing in the house poses a danger of falling on them.

You might want to check your local bookstore and get "What to expect the first year" if you are wanting a baby, or "What to expect the toddler years" if you are going for a little older child. These have excellent information in them as to behavior, achievement milestones, and childhood illnesses.

Good luck and keep us posted, we are here for support as well as information.

[faith_amom]

It's real easy to freak out about what you are supposed to have done already. You won't need to baby-proof at all until your child is mobile, which is ~ 6 months or so. So, I wouldn't worry about that. Believe me, you don't want to mess w/Tot Locks, etc. until you actually need them.

I went overboard for our home visit. I rented a steam cleaner and spent hours steam-cleaning the carpets. Sure enough, the social worker spent most of the visit at the kitchen table, so she didn't even notice!!

My funny story is from our home study update after we moved (before being matched w/a Bmom). We had an ant infestation, and a long trail of ants came down the wall by the fireplace because DH left some potato chips out. I discovered this before I went to bed and told him to clean it up, so he sprayed some Raid on the ants. The next day, I went to work and then came home over lunch for the visit. We told the social worker to sit in my husband's chair while we sat on the couch. As she was talking, I looked behind her and saw a trail of dead ants by the fireplace. (It didnt' occur to DH to actually clean up the dead ants.) AARRGGHH!! Luckily, she didn't notice. Even if she had, that's not the kind of thing that keeps you from being approved to adopt.

So, when you worry about preparing for the home visit, remember that it could be worse!!

- Faith

[Howdy]

Actually, my problem isn't with worrying about what to kid-proof for the baby age, I'm trying for older, probably 4 to 6 yrs.

What ages climb up bookcases and stuff? What age doesn't (when do they stop)?

Also, I live in a basement apartment and all the light and air (as well as potential fire-escape-ability) comes from the window wells. Do you think they will require me to cover the window wells, or would a child 4 yrs and older be considered safe to climb in and out of them when they play outside?

I hope I survive the visits without being rude, I have a coworker who is on the opposite side of the child services interface and I'm so used to hearing very rude things about the caseworkers and stuff. And I have to admit, hearing a mother's side of it makes one wonder who is the abusive party! My coworker said her teenager who is stuck in the system called her crying and said that they told him that she (his mom) didn't love him, was mad at him, etc. And it wasn't even true. She thinks they were trying to shake him up to get him to talk about other stuff. But my goodness, that seems pretty mean for the social workers to tell a kid their mom doesn't love them!

[faith_amom]

The climbing issue is more of a toddler thing. My son is two, and he is in the stage of trying to climb up bookcases, etc. Even a 4 year old should be old enough to control himself re: climbing, although every kid is different. If you live near a Children's Museum, Chuck E Cheese's, or McDonald's playland, you can help them get a lot of the climbing out of their systems in a safe environment.

I wouldn't try to baby-proof for the home study. Instead, I'd let her point things out to you. Or, you could even ask her specific questions. It might make a difference if you adopt a boy or a girl because boys tend to be more physical. But, there are always exceptions.

Unless the social worker tells you otherwise, I'd wait to babyproof until you know the specifics about the child you are adopting. If you adopt a mature 6-year-old girl, you probably won't even have to worry about anchoring bookcases, etc.

Good luck!!

- Faith

[lucyjoy]

I'd secure the bookcases. My six year old thinks he's spiderman and climbs up the walls if you don't watch him 24/7. I also had an 8 year old flip over a dresser in a fit of anger. Bookshelves are heavy and once an accident happens its too late. I wouldn't worry about it for the home study, but I'd do it before placement.

[faith_amom]

OK, Lucyjoy, now you are scaring me. You mean I have YEARS to pull my kid off of the furniture??

DenverLiz -- If you are really concerned about what you are supposed to know for this age group, why don't you go visit a local kindergarten or elementary school? A teacher should be able to answer all of your questions about what you need to bolt down, etc. I have been learning as I go, but that's the case for anyone who adopts or gives birth to a newborn. I don't think you need to have all of the answers for the home study, but it might make you feel better.

- Faith

[lucyjoy]

Boys have been climbing for years. The house is tame compared the outside(can you say sledding off the shed roof?). I'm afraid it's not just boys. We use to slide down the stairs in a laundry basket when I was a kid. Bookshelves just tend to be heavy and then there's the whole fort building thing where they tuck blankets behind all the furniture and stretch them. They'd be easy to topple. Great imaginations sometimes don't sense danger. It's part of the fun of being a kid.