[mhaven]

Hi. I want to adopt but I am lost in a sea of different agencies and ideas. I am interested in the adoption of an older child (I know I do not want an infant.) But haven't decided between international or domestic adoption. I was wondering if there was any good advice from real people who have been through it or are currently going through the adoption process that would help me find my way out of the woods. Are there any books I should be reading? Anything I need to watch out for? I'm just getting started. Right now the agency I feel the most comfortable with is WACAP. But it is difficult to get a clear view of the facts from one agency. I feel a bit like they are trying to rush me into it. Any advice or support would be really appreciated! Thank you.

[twyla]

Hi, mhaven!

My questions first.... What does WACAP stand for? And please don't think me too nosey, but do you have a personal relationship with God? The reason I ask the second question is not to offend, but to gently suggest that you ask for His guidance.

Other than making a list of what you expect to accomplish with adding a child to your family and exploring how this child will fit into your lifestyle, I don't have any sage words of wisdom for clearing up your confusion. It could be that you just are not ready yet to make this commitment.

I'm sorry, but my limited experience only extends to my state's Department of Children's Services. We went through their P.A.T.H. (Parents Are Tender Healers) Foster/Adopt program and discovered that there are literally hundreds of older children waiting on adoptive parents to choose them. While we are willing to temporarily foster newborn through 12 months old, the state pretty much convinced us that we would not be happy with their adoption services since we want to adopt only a newborn, so we are now with a private agency. But you might ask the agency that you are comfortable with about the children available in your state's system in order to explore the domestic adoption situation.

There are others that frequent this board who have adopted internationally and I am sure you will get some response from one of them in the next few days, if not, there is a forum for international adoption on this board you might want to visit. Click on the homepage link at the top of this page, (Adoptionforums.com), and look under the general categories for the international adoption page link.

[mhaven]

WACAP stands for World Association for Children and Parents. They handle international and domestic adoptions.

I agree that I am not ready RIGHT NOW for adoption. I'm just getting started. I guess what I am looking for is information from non-agency people about some of the steps they took in preparing and what they found to be helpful during the first stages of their process.

[DianeS]

Since you've narrowed your thoughts down to an older child, perhaps now is the time to start thinking about the issues that an older child will be facing, and which ones you could deal with. Most countries seem to have "typical" problems and "typical" benefits to their foster care and orphanage systems.

I mean, if you are most interested in 16 year olds, the the USA's foster care system has them. In most foreign countries 16 is too old to be adopted and they simply don't allow it.

If you feel that you could particularly help a child who was prenatally exposed to alcohol, then either the USA foster system or Russian orphanages is the place to look, because of the availability of alcohol in those countries.

If you feel best suited to parent a toddler girl, then China is the country to be considering. For a toddler boy, consider Korea.

Also, in addition to your own parenting capabilities, search the area where you live to see what racial makeup it has--could your neighborhood embrace a child of a different race? Which ones?

Are there good adoption doctors in your area, who could look over a child's medical profile and explain to you the type of care the child would need? If not, you may want to adopt from the USA, so you can at least look up any medical terms in English in a reference book.

And don't forget the cost. Not just the cost of the adoption itself, but the cost of caring for that child later in life. Older children adopted from USA's foster care almost always come with an adoption subsidy--money the state sends each month for you to use for the care of the child. It can be a godsend if the child later develops a problem that you didn't know to expect.

Books: Adopting the Hurt Child (by Keck and Kupecky, I think), Parenting the Hurt Child (same authors), and anything you can get your hands on about international adoption (check your library, I know mine had about 15 books).

Good luck!

[jenna202]

I just want to compliment DianeS's reponse. Very informative overview, and I agree on the book titles. I've read them myself, and they are great resources.

We are looking to adopt a young child, not set on an infant, wouldn't mind a grade schooler. We are attending the PATH training next weekend and are looking to complete a homestudy.

Does the agency who completes our homestudy need to be the agency that does our adoption? Since we want an older child I imagine that the state would be able to facilitate the adoption. If I'm wrong, I suspect I'll find out next weekend.

Does it matter who does our homestudy?

[addielee]

I've found it helpful to go to www.adoptuskids.org. It will share various issues confronting certain children and, typically, includes a link detailing medical terminology, what to expect from certain behaviors or types of abuse, and what to be prepared for if seriously considering adopting children with specific needs.

Also, check out your local library. Read everything you can on adoption. Go to the search engine and type in Older Child Adoption Story- see what comes up. The more you read, inquire, and learn, the more prepared you'll be to make a quality decision for your family and the children waiting for you.

Best wishes!

[twyla]

Hi, Jl Cauling!

I would have at one time assumed I could use my homestudies (We have completed P.A.T.H. with the state of Tennessee, and an 'upgraded' homestudy with Bethany Christian Services) any place I found a child I might want to adopt. But I just recently found out through a couple in our Bethany waiting parents support group... a child through the state of Tennessee requires their paperwork, whereas Bethany required additional items not required by the state. Go figure! At any rate, what I am trying to say is that it will depend totally on the agencies you are working with and also whether you are adopting within the state you reside in, (more additional paperwork and sometimes hiring an additional attorney to take care of the interstate compact requirements).

Some agencies will work together with no problems and others will not accept a second agency's assessment. Some agencies won't even let you have your homestudy to take elsewhere even though you are the one that has paid for it! A few questions to the agency that has done your homestudy will give you the answers you need. A word of caution if you haven't chosen an agency yet.... ask about this before you pay them anything! In my never to be humble opinion, if you pay for something, it should be yours to take where you please!

I appreciate the replies and information. I am checking out the adoptuskids site right now.

Twyla, WRT Bethany, I was VERY impressed with their website, so I called a local office and was put through to an adoption counselor immediately. He told me "no one adopts kids between 2-6, they are in foster care and their foster parents adopt them, not outside families." Then tried to hard sell me on an international adoption that he could help me with. Bethany left me with a negative impression.

We are looking at different agencies and don't plan on doing anything until AFTER the PATH training next week.

thanks again for the responses and info!

[DianeS]

jl cauling... Bethany was only half right.

It is true that 98% of US non-infants who are adopted from were in the foster care system before the adoption. (It is really, really rare for an adult to place an older child for adoption.)

It is also true that the majority of US young children who are adopted are adopted by the families that fostered them. (It is really rare for a foster family to release a young child they have fostered for any length of time.)

That said, the part they got wrong is that the straight adoption of young children who used to reside in the foster care system still happens. There are times adults foster a child who isn't a good fit for their family, so they release the child to be adopted by somebody else. (But keep in mind there is a waiting list for kids like this.) There are times the adult is doing foster care for a *job*--if she adopts the kids, she won't have a job anymore, so she releases them. It is also possible to adopt a child (non-infant) who is placed by their biological parents. Rare, and just as expensive as an infant adoption, but they also do happen.

The program you might want more information on is the "foster-adopt" program. It allows people to begin to foster a child or children with the plan that if that child becomes available for adoption, you will adopt. (It also means that if that child returns to their parents, you'll be pretty sad for a while.) That is the way that so many of the young children are adopted by their foster families. But it isn't for everybody.


And on the "paying for your homestudy" thing...if you sign up with a state-approved agency to adopt or foster-adopt children available in your state, the homestudy shouldn't cost you anything. Its only if you want to take that homestudy and do something else with it (like apply for kids out of state) that it should cost you anything. Call around and check for what is the "norm" before you actually pay money for a homestudy you might use for waiting kids in your own state!

[twyla]

I would call the main office for Bethany in Grand Rapids, Michigan and report this person you spoke with locally. It does sound to me as though he was trying to lead you in a specific direction to fill the agency's openings and that is strictly not what this agency is supposed to do. No one but you can say what you feel God has called you to do in adoption and the counselor is just supposed to lay out the agency's requirements for the type of adoption you are interested in, nothing more! They are not to try to make you feel guilty if you only want a certain type or category of child. Only you know what the best fit for your family is. I am severely annoyed that this counselor would besmirch the reputation of an excellent program and agency. No one at the agency office I am using would dare to tell you where you should look for a child or try to talk you out of applying in the domestic program. They consider your choices to be between you and God.

[Howdy]

jlcawling - I think you asked how others are going about it, so I thought I'd tell about my efforts.

I live in Colorado and heard about the Colorado Adoption Exchange. I called them and they gave me the names and phone numbers for the child services departments of several counties in and around Denver. They told me that my own county would not be a good source (I later called my own county and confirmed that they don't have hardly any children ever available).

But a couple counties have many children. Each county gives orientations (once or twice a month). I called 5 counties and attended one orientation. Some of the counties charge for the homestudy and will refund it if the person adopts from their county. I picked a county that has a high number of children per year and has free homestudies. If I went thru their straight adoption of legally free children, they told me the process would be to first match me with a child and then perform the study and have me quick take the classes. Those children are usually over 6 yrs old.

I signed up for the foster-to-adopt (also called legal-risk) program. It covers children ages 0 to 6 yrs old. The newborns are usually affected by drugs or alcohol, but the social worker had many stories of positive outcomes for the drug affected babies.

The county I am with seems very glad to find potential adoptive parents, which makes me feel nice because I'm single, 46, and totally inexperienced with children, so I wasn't sure I would be wanted.

Also, you might want to attend adoption parties. The Colorado Adoption Exchange sponsored a party and there were a couple really nice little girls at the party (unfortunately from the wrong county), and it made things much more 'real' to meet actual waiting children.

If you are looking for books to read, a few of the ones I've liked are "Can this Child be Saved" (I like the very realistic attitude, because a few adoptions among my relatives turned out quite bad - at least until the boys became men in their 30s, after which they became much nicer) and "Attaching in Adoption" (I liked that one so much I bought my own copy).

I have another class to take next month, and the homestudy visits are supposed to happen this month. I'm really nervous, I'm nervous about passing the homestudy and I'm nervous about whether I'll be able to handle a child(ren) with emotional problems. But I'm also very very excited.

Whenever I read a very depressing book that makes all the available children sound impossible, I just remind myself about my coworker. When I first started thinking about adoption I mentioned it to my coworkers to see what they thought about it, and one of them told me he himself was adopted from a foster home when he was 5 yrs old. He is such a nice person, easy-going, funny, smart, etc. So when I read about all the kids having problems, it helps to know a fantastic adult who was one the waiting children.

Twyla - I might contact the GR office about this guy. I agree, the decision is up to us!

Liz - I really feel like I can provide a stable and loving home for a young child. I will check with the counties to see if they offer the trainings or parties you mentioned. We are attending the state sponsored PATH training this weekend.

When I read about these kids that are waiting for a home the adoption process seems to move SO slowly. It's frustrating!!

thanks for the responses, I appreciate the input and info~