[Nelson]

chime in.

[stevekaren]

The hardest part was figuring out where to start... We finally broke it into sections that we wanted to share -- we wanted to tell prospective birthparents about us as a couple, about me, about my DH, our home and neighborhood, why we wanted to adopt, other instances of adoption in our lives (we have quite a bit!), religion and spirituality, our pets, etc... Breaking it down allowed us to write each section until it was right -- then we moved on to the next section.

After we were matched, I also found out how important those little details were... When you write your Dear Birthparent letters, it is constantly in the back of your mind "what part will click for the person reading this?" Things that our birthmother picked out were simple things like the fact that my DH was a Civil War buff -- she LOVES history! The fact that we had our first date at Chili's -- she said it showed we were casual and down to earth... My DH put in his "blurb" that I was going to make a great Mom, and that I made the best chocolate chip cookies. Well, our birthmother is the mom to 3 boys, including an 8 year who helped her choose the family to adopt -- he read that part and I guess his eyes just lit up! Three days after we were matched, we got to meet in person -- and we brought V's son some chocolate chip cookies -- he was thrilled! So, put in the little things that you think no one is going to care about -- because the right person will

~Karen
stevekarenadoption@hotmail.com

[Camera]

Hi all,

The letter was so hard to write. The worst part was organizing the ideas and trying not to sound like it was a generic "dbm" letter. DH and I read lots of examples online and our only thought was, they all sound so similar.

We each had to write our own letter (our agency requires this) and we wrote them separately but it's funny how there are similarities. We each wrote about why we want to be parents and the type of parents we will be. We each used examples from our pasts, how our parents raised us, and we told of our values and interests that we will share with our child.

We didn't need to include a lot of information such as our ages and other personal details because they are contained in the questionnaire that the birth family can view. We worked hard to put information in our letters that was not available for them to read elsewhere.

One thing we both found difficult: how to refer to the child. "Your child" or "our child" or "the child" ... sometimes it was awkward.

Our profile has not been shown yet, so we don't have any feedback so far. I hope that when we are matched, the birth family will be able to tell us what they liked and what touched them.

Camera

[Nelson]

Originally posted by Camera
One thing we both found difficult: how to refer to the child. "Your child" or "our child" or "the child" ... sometimes it was awkward.

Common confusion. Always refer to the baby as belonging to the birthparents, i.e "your baby will find big hugs waiting every day," or "your child will be our only." Factually–and more importantly, psychologically for the BPs– the child belongs to them until they make a placement. It's understandable that you, as a PAP, want to begin to think of the child as your own, but at this stage in the process, it's more important to defer to and empower the BPs to make the best choice for their child.

[stevekaren]

Good point, Nelson...

We were careful to always refer to "your baby" when writing our letter... And, it continues even now... V is due to give birth any day now (or, a C-section next Tuesday) and we have been very careful with terms...

She keeps referring to this baby as ours -- this is "your" baby and I'm so glad you're adopting him... I understand where she's coming from, and we appreciate that, but we're careful to always tell her -- this is YOUR baby and we do not step in as the adoptive parents until you place your baby in our arms... And, even then, she will be his Mother.

Anyway, for what that's worth

~Karen

[Camera]

Nelson, you completely answered my question. Thanks.

Cam

[Carlynn]

Nelson -
Just wanted to say that I bought (and read several times) your book. While our social worker and attorney have suggested a less detailed letter (harder to write actually I am finding), I found great general suggestions in your book.

Hardest part...GETTING STARTED. We were strongly encourged NOT to write the same old DMB letter....(frankly they all read like Danielle Steele novels --change the names and places, but the plot the same). We're trying to be different...trying to stand out -especially in format - but not "cutesy"...

We are using an Acrostic for our format? Take a word (we chose ADOPTION and FAMILY) and write it down the left side of the page. Then begin your paragraphs with each of the letters. So far it's looking pretty great and our social worker loved the idea!

Our certification to adopt came thru in a record 9 wks (was told iwould take a good 4 mths!!)....so we are suddenly finding ourselves frantically putting our letter and photo pages together.

Good luck everyone... if you write from the heart, it's the right thing to do....

[Nelson]

Originally posted by Carlynn

We are using an Acrostic for our format? Take a word (we chose ADOPTION and FAMILY) and write it down the left side of the page. Then begin your paragraphs with each of the letters. So far it's looking pretty great and our social worker loved the idea!

I do too. This kind of creative thinking is really terrific. kudos!

But I do want to stress to all that one doesn't have to come with a new form to write a letter from the heart. anyone can. If you can do that, AND find a form that says something about who you are, so much the better. this sounds like a fabulous idea...and fun to write! I'd love to see it when it's done.

[My PoohBear]

We are in the begging stages of writing our bmom letter. How do you find the right balance? We want to give information about us but we don’t wont to go on and on. It's hard deciding what to keep and what to delete. Nelson my computer is in a bad mood and won’t let me go the web site "dearbirhtmomletters". I would really like to purchase you book. Can you please tell me what it is called?

[smileygirl]

My PoohBear~

You can order Nelson's book through www.AdoptionShop.com as well!

[littleangel]

Wow, I am interested to see you on this board. I just finished (or should I say my husband just finished) our dear expectant parent letter and your book was the one I wanted to read before we did it. Unfortunately, we were limited on time (due to some unforseen social worker circumstances) so we were hurried to finish and I couldn't get the book in time (we are in a smaller town) . I even asked our agency if they had copies and they didn't!! I think I will get a few copies and make sure they have one!
Anyway, the hardest for me was conveying OUR personality. I read TONS of letters as examples and they all seemed "the same"--really great couples with exciting great lives! I wouldn't blame a birthmother if she just threw them all in a pile and picked from the top! My hubbie and I have a refined and sarcastic wit--which is important to get accross in writing--after all we didn't want a potential birthparent thinking we were of "normal" humor. My hubbie also has a long and successful background in sales and can sell anything. Soooo, while I struggled with the "woman emotion" parts--like the description of how we saw open adoption and our relationship with the birthparent(s), my hubbie spiced up the letter to the point that I will be glad if whichever birthmom we have doesn't go into pre-term labor from laughing--after all if you can't get a good laugh out of an uncomfortable situation, you really aren't living!!
It was no small feat to describe the open relationship without (per our agency) SPELLING out promises (ie x number of visits or x letters or for x years etc).
I am very proud of our final letter--it is like no other and hopefully will have potential birthmothers begging for us!

[Nelson]

You raise a lot of great issues to which I'd like to respond.

Originally posted by littleangel
I couldn't get the book in time (we are in a smaller town) .
I'll have to work on my distribution ;-) But you can alwyas get it at AdoptionShop.com, and there's an instantly downloadable ebook version that's very user friendly [end of shameless plug]

I read TONS of letters as examples and they all seemed "the same"--really great couples with exciting great lives!
In the training seminars I give, I always get a big laugh when i assure everyone that every DBML they read will describe a family better than them. It's the adoption equivalent of Keeping Up with the Joneses. We're all insecure about our lives, a perception usually rooted in some Ozzie-and-HArriet notion of what is a "perfect" family. In my book, a perfect family in one full of love, support, and the dedication to raising a child to the best of your ability. End of story.

the hardest for me was conveying OUR personality. My hubbie and I have a refined and sarcastic wit--...if you can't get a good laugh out of an uncomfortable situation, you really aren't living!!

Humor is great, but I always advise to tread lightly with it. Everyone has a different sense of what's funny, and the danger is that you come off trying to hard to entertain at the expence of being genuine. Go for a warm smile, leave the bellylaughs for when you meet. My wife had to restrain me on this point, and I was glad she did. A famous comedian, lying on his deathbed after a long illness, once said,"Dying is easy. It's comedy that's hard."

It was no small feat to describe the open relationship without (per our agency) SPELLING out promises (ie x number of visits or x letters or for x years etc).

we should start thread just about this. i define open adoption this way: The expectant parent(s) choose the adoptive parents for their child. Any relationship post-placement will be a natural outgrowth of the parties involved. If you seperate these two states in your mind, it's easier to limit what you need to say in you DBML. Stay BP centered. Express an openess to a postplacement relationship and a deference to the BPs wishes in this area. It's scary to contemplate a life long relationship with a stranger. But no one will be scared as long as they know that control still rests with them.

Thanks for sharing. and remember, writing begins with rewriting.

[Carlynn]

Nelson...

I have been trying to e-mail you a copy of our DBM letter as we spoke about... but the e-mail address at at dearbirthmotherletter will not allow it to go thru! In fact, I can't even pull up that website..

??

[joannemckay76]

To make our letter stand out from the rest and sound as sincere as it really was.

[ISW]

Hardest part? Finding the right tone that would be accessible to everyone and sounding personable without sounding too cutesy. Especially intros and sign offs.

My best advice--if this person was sitting right in front of you and you knew nothing about them, what would you want them to know about you as a person? As much as possible, speak from the heart in a tone that comes from the heart.

Also, as others have said, you don't know what small detail will trigger someone to want to match with you over another couple. My sister's first set of brithparents like them because her DH likes to rock climb...so you never know what it's going to be! Also, try not to sound too overly eager about having her give you her baby. Acknowledge that this is her baby, her decision and her hopes for the future.

Good luck!