[ajfinn]

Hello all!

I just wanted to introduce myself as I have been in lurking mode for a few weeks now.

My husband and I have completed our adoption study and are currently in "the book" waiting for a match with a birthmother. We have been in the the book for almost 3 months now and it sucks! I know that isn't very long, but in reality it has been over 6 years of trying to have a family.

Our background: Infertility treatment, 2 miscarriages in 1999 and 2 premature births (Mary in March and Grant in December) and deaths in 2000. Adoption has always been in our minds and we are now ready to go!

A few questions: How long have others been waiting? How do others feel about including something about our adoption wishes in our holiday cards? When did/will you start on the nursery?

Glad to be here and I welcome any suggestions/questions.

AJ

[JoanneFromNYC]

Welcome!!

[searchingwriter]

It depends on what agency you go through for time period. But welcome anyway. i was placed in a foster home when I was five and wasn't adopted until I was eight. That was my time period, but as I said it depends on the agency and papers. But good luck and God bless.

Jessica

[Rainbow mom]

Welcome! We are in the process of adopting our fourth child and each of our adoption placements took us about six months. Good luck, waiting is the very worst! I have been anxious each and every time.

Waiting in Denver Colorado.....

[savannah310]

Let me extend a warm welcome as well.

It doesn;t matter how long you've been waiting. It feels like forever when you want a family, right?!


We have the nursery done because the baby is due in a month.

We did tell people because like you... others knew of our 4-year struggle.

Blessings!
Deb

[bobbie]

welcome to the group! i, too, am new here but have found a lot of useful info, help, and support. it feels really good to have people to talk to who know what your going through. i'm very sorry for your losses!
my husband and i have been married for 12 years and have actively been trying for a family for that long. i have been diagnosed with endometriosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome, have a blocked left tube. we have had 3 artificial insem. (none took) we took some time off from all the treatments, tests, drugs, etc. to see if things would happen naturally but nothing! the dr. basically said our chance was left up to invitro but with the cost and no guarantees, we chose adoption instead. our home study will be on dec. 16. very nervous but excited to get the ball rolling.
we are working through both an adoption lawyer and agency. our lawyer has suggested to us to write letters to everybody we know to let them know that you are looking to adopt. maybe somewhere down the line, someone will know someone else who knows someone else, etc. who may be looking to put a baby up for adoption. it also makes you an active participant in searching for your own birth parents. our state (IL) also allows advertising in papers and things.
we have started the nursery but are keeping things as neutral as possible. i smile and feel great every time i go by or in. our crib is on layaway and the bedding will be gotten this weekend.
i know it may be pushing it a little, but i really want to be ready for when that call comes...plus it gives me something to do to pass the time.
once again, welcome to the group, and best of luck to you! sorry this got a little long!
bobbie

[Support2Adopt]

Hi AJ! Just want to welcome you to our group! JJ

[MrsSmith]

Hi AJ - and everyone else!

We're in the waiting mode too, so greetings from a different row of the same boat. Our story: I'm an adoptee (closed adoption, found bmom 6 yrs ago, no reunion w/ bdad) and my husband and I have been married almost 8 years. We did all the "right" things - waited 'til we were financially stable, got the house, the minivan, etc. etc. etc. ..... funny how you can plan all you want and things don't follow the way you think they will, eh? Two years and a trip 'round the infertility merry-go-round later, and we're officially diagnosed as infertile and wholeheartedly into the adoption process. We're trying for an open, domestic, independent adoption. We've got a TERRIFIC lawyer and completed the homestudy and precertification process required by NY for independent adoptions. We did our "adoptive parent resume" which we also posted online and created adoption cards (y'know, like business cards) and have been passing the cards out all over creation. We set up the "baby phone" second line in the house, which forwards to my cell phone when we're not home.

We also "outed" ourselves, reproductively speaking , by sending a letter to all our family and friends (Christmas card list, etc) explaining our situation, how we're hoping to adopt, and including a few cards for each. The response we got from that letter was very positive; some people have even called to ask for more cards to pass out!

I guess we were kinda hoping that a baby or two would fall right in our lap (yeah, I know, more of that wishful thinking) from doing the above, because we hesitated before placing ads in papers. Well, we've had a few contacts with birthmothers, including one that seemed really positive for a while, but nothing panned out. (The call that came in the most random spot so far - we were at the La Brea Tar Pits Museum in Los Angeles while on vacation last week and my cell phone rang! We took the call while sitting on the floor in front of the sabre tooth tiger fossils, with piped in mastadon cries screaming above us! )

So, we've taken the leap - we just placed our adoption ad in papers in 4 states around the country (including NY), to start running, appropriately enough, on Thursday - the thing we would be most grateful for on Thanksgiving!

Yikes - I'm rambling. Sorry, I'm just so excited about the whole adoption thing, and I'm driving all my friends, family and coworkers crazy with my constant adoption chatter. It's nice to have a place like this where people know what you're going through, you know?

Oh - as for the nursery - hubby is dead set against doing ANYTHING for setting up the nursery until we're well on the way to having an actual baby. He is afraid of "jinxing" anything, so our nursery is not even started yet. If it were up to me, it would be DONE already of course!

Okay, enough rambling. I ought to be doing housework now anyhow - inlaws arrive for Turkey Day in 2 days and I've got cat hair all over the place! Well, the CATS have cat hair all over the place - I've just got to vacuum it up!

Take care, good luck to everyone, and if anyone wants an e-pal, please drop me a line!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Cheers,
Heather
---
adoptee/hope to soon be an adoptive mom

[savannah310]

Heather -

You are too funny woman! Good that you seem to have your head in the right place and a sense of humor about all of this. You need it, right? I was on the infertility merry-go-round myself for 4 years and am sooooo happy to be off of it and onto something so wonderful like adoption (the bmom we're "matched" with is due next month - doc appt today!)

Good luck with your ads. You seem like yoy really have it together in terms of the route you're pursuing. God speed, my friend.

Blessings,
Deb

[34andhopeful]

We are also in the waiting phase. We have met the birthmother and her mother. My husband and I went to the Sonogram and everything seems to be moving in the right direction. But, I am also PETRIFIED to set up the nursery. In VA, the birthmom has 25 days to change her mind! Which means I am so scared to get anything except a car seat and bassinet until those 25 days are over. My social worker tells me that teenagers are iffy. She is 17 and does not have contact with the the birth father - but her Mom had her at 17 and I know that her mom would support her if she were to change her mind...Should I keep my ears open for other situations...?

[MrsSmith]

I know how you feel - for us in NY it is NINETY days, which seems like an eternity! One thing our lawyer told us is that we, as the adoptive parents, can go by the rules of whichever state are more in our favor for that period - assuming it is an out of state birthmother. I guess that was to ease our minds since NY is soooo long a period. But then again, it is for the best interest of the baby and the bmom should definitely be sure that adoption is the choice she wants to make...

I wish I knew some good advice for you as far as keeping your ears open for other situations, but we haven't even gotten as far as you have yet, so I'm certainly no expert. Hang in there though!

Back to reading zillions of posts,
Heather


Adoptee/hope to soon be an Adoptive Mom

[34andhopeful]

90 days in NY! Wow. I know that they do that to protect the birthmom and the baby - to make sure that she is making the right decision. But, have they ever thought about the Adoptive mom and what is right for her? After my rounds with infertility and the cost issues relating to treatment and the money that people are expected to pay for adoption - I need to become an advocate for the folks who are going through Infertility treatment (IVF, IUI) and those who are adopting... Sorry about the soap box - but boy, does that make me mad!

[Resseda]

Not to cause waves, but I recently placed my son for adoption...myself and the afamily are all in NY. I was told, when I went to sign the papers, my bf and I had 45 days to change our minds. Now, if the lawyer was wrong, or lied or whatever, it irks me, but it wouldn't change our decision. And, he did say, that we had 45 days from when we signed, not from the date of birth. I signed the papers about 2 weeks before I gave birth, so that the afamily could take care of the baby at the hospital, take him home and everything. (which is good, I wound up being in the hospital for a week).

Ress

[34andhopeful]

In VA you are not allowed to sign until the baby has been born. And I am happy to hear that you did not regret your decision. Do you have an open adoption?

[Resseda]

I have a sort of open adoption. The adoptive family is willing to be more open, I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe someday. My bf and I knew from the get-go what we wanted to do concerning the adoption, we didn't have any doubts or maybes about the adoption, so we worked through the adoptive family's attorney. I know they would have paid for a separate one for us, but we figured we didn't have any special requests (because we didn't go into it all planning on it being open), so we used one lawyer. It was a good/bad thing. I liked that he knew the family and had worked with them before on a previous adoption, and he seemd to have the paperwork back and forth very quickly, because it only had to run through one attorney. I disliked the run around I got with him...I joked that he must have been the only lawyer in the whole county. I was waiting for him to get the final judicial consent to send out my addmission paperwork for the hospital, and it was a week before my due date. It was like, "Hello?! I need that!!"

As I said, I don't know if I was lied to, and, honestly, I don't care. We signed the papers beforehand, so that it would guarantee that the family could take him home from the hospital, and he went home the day after he was born. Because they were considered his legal parents (I geuss), they were treated very well at the hospital...they got their own room to care for him, they got to see him as soon as he was born, etc. My bf and I were treated worse than they were, and that is about the only regret. They would stop my bf from walking down the hall or to my room if the afamily was around, so he couldn't see the baby, and I assure you, I needed to see him a lot more than he wanted to see the baby.

I would be very willing to chat/email with anyone if they had questions regarding the birth mom's end of the process, feelings, that sort of thing.

Ress