[flashgal24]

Hey ladies! I thought I would start a discussion to see if any of out there are still in decision mode about adoption? Maybe we can help each oher out, and we take our first steps into this process!

Here is (the short version of) my story.... DH and I have been married since 2005, and have been TTC ever since. We are currently still going through infertility treatments, but are starting to weigh out the options between spending $15K on MAYBE getting a baby, or $15K on definitely getting a baby. It's just so hard to make these decisions. And some days I think I'm a bad person for wanting to just have a baby, even if its not mine... other days, I feel like this is what God's plan is for us, and there's a baby out there for us...

How do we decide? Where do we start? How do the DH's feel about it all? What do we do next?

If you're considering adoption, then let's see what there is to discover...

[lotsa_love_2give]

Adoption is a MAJOR decision that requires a lot of patience and energy. DH and I agreed after a year of infertility to go with it, but we both had to be on the same page.

With that being said, even with all the stress and break downs, we wouldn't trade our adoption journeys for anything!

Do a lot of research, starting with this board! I got my start on here on the Guat boards just lurking and ended up adopting domestically. There are so many good books out there and adoption classes you can take without making any type of commitment. I suggest that you try those.

Couples tend to get on the adoption train at seperate times. When we decided to adopt trans-racially, it took both of us a bit before we were on the same page.

Everytime I look at my daughter and think about our next daughter (due in 58 days!) I could NOT imagine my life any other way!

Good luck! No matter how you get there, once you are there, being a Mommy is the most magical thing in the world!

[soonersfan]

We have already adopted once and are back on the list for a second.

We too went through infertility treatments including meds, surgery, and three IUIs. Our next step was IVF. My husband and I had already talked about what we wanted to do if we reached the point of IVF. We just wanted to be parents. We decided we'd rather spend the money on adoption because there was a guarantee of eventually becoming parents. My husband's two oldest siblings were adopted so he was very comfortable with adoption. Also, I felt like I had so much emotional and physical stress with the infertility treatments that I didn't really want to go through more of that with IVF. I don't know if any of that helps. I just thought you sounded like you were at the point where I once was.

Good luck!

[vandav09]

My husband and I are in the same boat. We were faced with the decision of IVF or adoption and we have moved toward adoption. He def got there a lot sooner than I did. I had a lot of strong feelings about wanting to have my own child, but really this is what is best for us.

I guess I know that when I find a child, we bring him/her into our lives and love him/her as if she came from us. That was never my concern. My biggest fear was simply not having the experience of being pregnant and carrying a child. You know that happy, perfect experience that everyone talks about. Well, this is going to be our way.

Now, we're just struggling with where to start. Agency? Attorney? We'll see what happens.

Good luck and thanks for starting this thread.

[lotsa_love_2give]

For me, wanting to know the feeling of being pregnant and carrying a child still creeps into my mind every now and then. It's nothing major for me, but I do wonder, I'm sure most people do that never have it.

I guess something else that I've always just wondered is what a bio child of mine and Dh's would look like. Again, nothing major just a thought!

Honestly, I feel like I lost some of the initial bonding with DD because I was afraid that I would love her and they would take her away, we had almost 15 days for bmom to change her mind counting her time in the hospital before she signed her papers.

If you are in the "getting started" or thinking about adoption, you could start discussing now what options you are open to: race, age, medical issues, at risk, fees set aside for adoption, openess, etc.

I am more than happy to answer any questions anyone may have and I will be posting another thread about that too. You may PM me if you want info not allowed to be posted.

Blessings to you all!

[vandav09]

Options, I feel overwhelmed by the process that I don't know if I should be thinking about that. I have no idea which was to turn agency, attorney?

The main thing for me is that I want to adopt a newborn. I think that relegates us to the U.S. Perhaps, that will change down the road or with a secnd, but right now that's my dream. I would like a child close to our race (my husband is Eastern European and my family is Hispanic). Religion is not a big concern for me, as I am open to mixed religions like us.

The research continues....

lotsa_love_2give can you suggest any good books I should be reading?

[saraek]

flashgal - I am in sort of the same boat, and I wanted to say good luck to you I'm in the beginning stages of this, and talking to DH about adoption. We've been TTC since 2005 too, and we have about 2 cycles left to try before we're at IVF... and like you, we'd rather take that $$$ and be guaranteed a baby (at some point) rather than chance it on a cycle that only has a 60% chance of working.

good luck to you!

Sara

[jknichols]

My husband and I have been married since 2005 and have done EVERYTHING except IVF, as well! my DH is not totally sure about adoption, although I am. I know that we totally have to be on the same page before we start ANY stage of adoption or IVF. Is anyone else in this same position??? I just second guess myself when DH isn't sure about it. Is this normal??

[rd200]

We are waiting to be matched now for about 9 months but we have an 8 yr old son and couldnt conceive again. we had been ttc for about 3 years and we decided to do IVF. When that failed, we were crushed. Absolutely devastated. we had no insurance coverage and my meds ended up costing me like $6000 instead of $2000 like the clinic told me, so we had spent approx. $19K on that IVF cycle which resulted in NO pregnancy.

We didnt have the funds to do another and i thought that was it for good. Then one day my DH siad, well have you ever looked at adoption?? i was like, ADOPTION??? are you joking? we dont have $50K to spend on adoption and then have the birthmother turn around and take the baby back after a few years!! (i was very misinformed about adoption before we started the process!!!) So, i spend the next 4 hours on the internet looking up all sorts of websites and looking at agencies adn reading up on everything. We prayed about it for a few days and i decided to call a few agenies to set up an interview. just to see what they had to say, i wasnt really convinced that we would even do adoption. Well, in the end we decided to adopt and i was absolutely shocked about the price and a whole lot of other things too. There are so many misconceptions and stereotypes with adoption that to this day, i wish i had looked into it sooner. i would have NEVER spent the amount of money and the terrible heart ache on IVF if i would've known that adoption was cheaper, and with alot better odds. it still kinda gets me that we WASTED all that money on IVF when we could've just adopted!!! it was like when i found out about adoption there was this little voice in my head that said... This is a good idea, go for it. And we did. We hopefully will be matched soon and will have a baby in our arms. Rach

[Flemmons23]

We've been ttc for almost 5 yrs. and tried EVERYTHING, meds, injectables, iui and ivf. Like several other posts I've read, I am torn whether to try another round of ivf or start the adoption process.

We have the savings to do another round of IVF but if we do, it will delay starting adoption if it fails. My DH has basically left the decision up to me. He supports my decision either way, no pressure! My previous ivf cycle was painful and very uncomfortable but I'm not sure I'm ready to give up that dream. On the other hand I've always been interested in adopting.

I'm trying to educate myself as much as possible about adoption. I'm open to domestic or international adoption but have NO idea where to start. Do you have to use an agency in your state? If they aren't located in my city am I going to have to drive there often? How do you find qualified attys? What's the best way to start?

[Bnoll]

Hi Flemmons! You have definitely come to the right place. Many posters have been where you are. I'm going to try to answer your questions - if you'd like feel free to PM me for more info!

1) No, you do not have to use an agency in your state. You are free to use any agency in any state.

2) If you use an out of state/out of city agency, usually you don't have to drive there much, if ever. Most tasks/forms can be mailed (everything we did through our agency was either mailed or emailed).

3) If you use an angecy, usually they have attorneys on staff or will refer you to one that they've used previously. If you decide to do an independent adoption without the use of an agency, you should use a AAAA attorney. Just google "AAAA attorneys" and you can then search by state. These lawyers have met stringent requirements and focus on adoption.

4) The best way to start is to decide exactly what type of child you want to adopt. Infant or older? Domestic or international? Then be sure to assess your budget. National agencies have much greater exposure but at a higher cost. Next, search the web and do NOT be afraid to call them and ask any questions you want! They are there to serve YOU. Also, these boards are a great resource. If you find a few agencies you're interested in, post for input on the General Adoptive Parent support page. The BBB is a great tool too.

Good luck in your journey and don't hesitate to PM me!

[sai_padma]

Hi,

God willing , My husband and I have at last ventured into the adoption journey and hope to be successful after an emotional and finacially draining journey that failed wih IVF'S and IUI'S.

I'm right now kind of overwhelmed with my research and hope to shortlist atleast 4 good agencies , I would like to contact.

We live in California, want to adopt domestic, new born baby, any religion, prefer Hispanic or South Asian baby,

Please PM any agencies that helped you succeed in becoming a mom , without any hurdles or shocks enroute.

Thanks,
Padma

[BabyBeMineNow]

Hello all.
It is very relieving to know that we are not alone. I feel like I have read the story of my life over & over again. My hub and I have tried everything short of IVF as well for over 5 yrs. We have decided to begin the adoption process. However, we don't know where to begin. How do you find a reliable, trustworthy and legitimate agency? Please PM me with any recommendations.

[crazycanuck]

Great thread!

DH and I have been married since '03, and ttc for 4 or 5 years now (I forget when we started). Started exploring why we weren't getting pregnant in '07, quickly found out I had a uterine septum, some polyps, mild endometriosis. So got all that fixed up and then did three triggered cycles with fertility drugs - no pregnancy. Took a break from trying, as life with our adopted son (we adopted before we knew we had fertility issues) was hectic and stressful and we thought that might be influencing things. Actively trying again for a year, but no dice.

Our next step is IUI. We've got an appointment for a consult with a fertility clinic and plan to try IUI, but I'm not hopeful. Everything I've read says that there's only a 12% shot per attempt, and that there's no point in more than three attempts. I just figure if I was going to get pregnant, I would've gotten pregnant with the triggered cycles, ya know?

We're not going to try IVF - I just can't justify spending that kind of money on a "maybe".

So, we're looking at adoption. Specifically, public adoption. For me, it's the choice that makes sense. Yes, it means adopting a baby with risk factors such as prenatal drug exposure. However, I look at it as you can just as easily wind up with these types of risk factors with private adoption, but at least with public adoption you know about it, plus it's free, instead of paying $15 000 - $50 000. Private adoption in Canada is just crazy expensive. I want to use our savings for our son (and hopeful other children)'s future, not spend it on adoption or fertility treatments.

DH is not fully on board. He's very hesitant to go through public adoption again as it was a major emotional rollercoaster the first time (with our son). He harbours a lot of resentment towards the Ministry for Children and Families from our adoption experience and from our fostering experiences. He also worries about adopting a child with risk factors. He knows that drug-exposed babies typically have very good outcomes, but still worries. We've talked about how our own genetics carry risk factors for both health issues (severe allergies and juvenile rheumatoid arthritis) and mental health issues (major addiction issues, bipolar disorder, and depression and anxiety disorders). The way I look at it, we're not really at less risk having a baby by birth. He thinks he'd handle it better if it was "his own flesh and blood" and an issue cropped up - a position I find hard to understand as I know he loves our son, who is not biologically related to us, unconditionally.

To top it all off, my father-in-law, who is extremely close with my hubby (and chronically butts into our lives) is very adamantly against us adopting "some crackhead's baby" as he puts it. Says he doesn't want someone else's grandkid, that while he loves our ds he doesn't have it in him to do it again. So, he and dh have been fighting about that - good times. No matter that he was very anti us fostering and then adopting ds in the first place (said he wouldn't consider him a grandson, that we needed to have our own baby, etc.) and is now gaga over him.

So, as you can see, we're still in the decision-making process and things are kind of a mess.

We have an intake meeting with the adoption worker in a week, and are enrolled in the mini Adoption Education Program (we get the abridged version since we did the full one already a few years ago when we adopted ds) next month. Then hopefully will do our first cycle of IUI in late November or early December.

I wish DH would come around further to adoption. I feel like IUI is a waste of time and money for us - I just have a gut feeling that pregnancy isn't going to happen for me. And the simple fact is, I want a baby, no matter how it happens! It's crazy how intense the drive to be a mother is - there is nothing I want more. Don't get me wrong, I love my son and am already a mother to him. At the same time, because he was already 6 1/2 years old, autistic, and has attachment problems, PTSD, etc., I don't get the "normal" parenting experience with him. And I missed his whole early childhood. My son's disability is a blessing in some ways - he'll always be my "little boy" and will never outgrow needing his mom On the other hand, he won't graduate highschool, have a girlfriend, have a job, give me grandkids, etc. I realize that nobody can predict the future, and a baby, whether born to me or adopted may not do these things either, however at least there'd be a chance. I really want that shot at normal parenthood, being a grandma, etc. And honestly, even more simply, I want chubby little baby hands and feet, that baby smell, that soft but solid weight to hold. Ah - I'm gaga for babies right now it's terrible! Doesn't help that all my friends have children or are pregnant, and that my cousin, who I'm very close with, has two beautiful adopted babies (both drug exposed), the youngest now 8 months old. Baby fever I tell you!