[SandyKassia]

So I always dreamed of adoption. Always. I've been planning for it forever.

The idea was always adopt first, have bio later. Took me some time to get hubby on the same boat (he always agreed to adopt but he was afraid if we adopted I would not want a bio).

Anyway... I got bad bad endometriosis, had to do a surgery, and doc said: if you want a bio, must be now. He can't even guarantee a bio if we try now, BUT if we wait a year or more (which was the plan) it will be almost impossible. It is really important to DH to try for a bio baby.

We talked it over. The adoption agency put us on hold as they wont let us adopt if we are trying for a baby (even though adoption was always a plan and we want to adopt an older child, possible with special needs).

We also talked and decided that it would not be right to bring an adopted child and a bio child together when they will both need lots of help and we wont be able to dedicate totally to any of them.

The plan was drawn: try for bio baby. If comes, wait 1 or 2 years and adopt. If after 1 year baby does not come (we are against artificial insemination, etc), than we will adopt.

Simple, right?

So why, if I know I can't adopt now, wont I stop looking at photolistings, and finding kids who would fit just "perfectly" into our family, just to have the "heartache" to remember we cant now

I just can't get over it!!!! I am ready for a child NOW! And I cant get away from adoption blogs, photolistings, etc...

Any advice???

PS: I do have hobbies, and work, etc... so it is not a "get a life" situation... hehe

[jaenelle]

Several times, I have had to just go "cold turkey" away from the things that made my heart hurt... my participation in this website and several others is sporadic for this reason. I've found the only thing that works for me is just going away completely from the things that bother me (which is sad because I miss friends I made, etc.) but for my sanity I just had to.

I'm a very goal-oriented (read: impatient ) person and it drives me NUTS when I have to be still and admit I am not in control. I like to feel as though I'm doing something to work toward whatever it is I want. Drives my husband nuts as he is very much a patient person and content to wait a looooooooooong time for things.

So, is there anything you can do to work toward being able to adopt? Saving money, making improvements to your home, traveling or doing things you won't be able to once there's a baby or child with you?

[meghann]

I don't know that I have any *useful* advice, but I can say from my own experience that whatever path you are taking right now - trying to get pregnant or trying to adopt - you're embarking on a pretty wild ride. Eventually, for your own sanity, you have to get yourself to a place where you're able to let go of the delusion that you have any control over any of it & resolve to take whatever comes as it comes.

It's not easy. I'm generally a pretty relaxed person, but up until about 6 years ago I was used to thinks working out the way I wanted them to if I "applied myself." I tried really hard to have a good attitude about everything (and apparently I succeeded, as a LOT of people told me after J was born how much they thought I "deserved" it because I had been "so patient" LOL), but inside I was freaking out because things weren't happening the way I'd always thought they would - and furthermore, I wasn't sure if my family would *ever* resemble what I pictured in my mind.

The young-me picture in my mind: We'd have 3 or 4 kids, 2 years or so apart, and be done having kids by the time we were 35 (because we didn't want to be geriatric by the time they graduated high school).

The reality? I had just turned 35 when J was born; she was placed with us the next day. We may never have more than one child, and if we do, we're going to be much older when our youngest comes along than we ever would have thought. And as I sit here typing with my almost-five-month-old daughter asleep on my shoulder, I can tell you with 100% honesty that I wouldn't change a thing.

So my advice is really the most useless advice in the world, because it is to just relax and let things come as they will. Take comfort in the knowledge that you *will* be a parent someday - whether it comes from trying to get pregnant or trying to adopt - and embrace the fact that the process is going to be the craziest roller-coaster you've been on in your entire life. You can either freak out about your lack of control, or you can try to enjoy the ride - but either way, you're taking the ride.

Hang in there. I've never been a big believer in the idea that "everything happens for a reason" but I do believe that after everything shakes out however it is going to, you usually look back & realize you wouldn't want to change the way things worked out.