[skolnyfamily]

We decided we will adopt....

I always dreamed of adopting and my husband liked the idea.

We talked a lot and my husband would like to adopt from Poland as his family is all from there.

We want to adopt a girl up to 6yo, and we are open to one sibling up to 6yo too (doesn't matter who is older, as long as at least one of them is a girl)... In the right situation we would even consider 7yo.

The reason why my husband WANTS international adoption is because he cannot live with an open adoption. Even though I showed him tons of studies and articles talking about how open adoption is good for kids, he won't do it. He says it is his limit, and it is either closed adoption or no adoption at all....

Today however I was thinking.... Adopting from Poland is going to cost us a lot of money... I will need to lose 4-6 weeks of work to travel... when there are so many kids in our country who need parents... So here come my questions:

1. Are there "health" kids on our desired age for adoption through the system (by health I mean no more than mild/moderate emotional needs, no big psychiatric issues, no FAS, no sexual abuse)?

2. Is it possible to adopt domestically without doing an open adoption?

3. Would the state refuse to work with us because my husband wants a closed adoption?

4. Do all kids who have been on foster care have RAD and ODD?

5. Could we do foster to adopt and still ask to close the adoption if ever happen?

I have just been wondering....

We do not want a baby (as we can have them) and we do plan to add a biologic baby over the next 2 years, so it is really important that the adopted child issues would not risk the other kids of the house.... So any kid who need to be the youngest of all, or the only child is a no...

[Suzeb1]

It will be interesting to hear how others respond. Here are my thoughts (I adopted an infant internationally, and have been reading and researching for years)

1. Are there "health" kids on our desired age for adoption through the system (by health I mean no more than mild/moderate emotional needs, no big psychiatric issues, no FAS, no sexual abuse)?

Absolutely there are physically healthy kids available domestically in your age range. Whether you adopt domestically or internationally you should be prepared for any kind of issues. The reality for older kids (and many young ones too) is that if they are available for adoption, they've had challenges in their lives. Many, many of them will come through it beautifully, but there's no sure way to know that in advance.

2. Is it possible to adopt domestically without doing an open adoption? Yes. but I would be concerned about the intense desire to do so. If it's based on the concerns that the bio-parent might become too involved etc. then I'm not as concerned. If it's a desire to "deny" the birth parent(s) then I think it's a much bigger issue for you. It sounds like you know this, but as your child grows up, he or she may want to know his or her birth parents and want to understand his or her history. In that case, you would want your husband to be supportive and accepting of that.

3. Would the state refuse to work with us because my husband wants a closed adoption? I don't know about this

4. Do all kids who have been on foster care have RAD and ODD? No, absolutely not, but you would need to be prepared because you can't always tell and it's very possible internationally as well...it's a possibility either way.

5. Could we do foster to adopt and still ask to close the adoption if ever happen? At that point what would close mean? Just no contact? Everyone would know who everyone is...

I have just been wondering....

We do not want a baby (as we can have them) and we do plan to add a biologic baby over the next 2 years, so it is really important that the adopted child issues would not risk the other kids of the house.... So any kid who need to be the youngest of all, or the only child is a no...

I think you are very wise to think this through. While others might vigorously disagree with me and have had great experiences, I personally would not bring a child into my home who was older than my youngest child. As a former therapist who specialized in working with child victims of sexual abuse, I worked with many children (victims themselves) who abused other children, simply because it's what they knew.

I applaud you for being so thoughtful and wanting to bring a child who needs a home into your home. It sounds like you are committed to being sure you can handle it and fully understand that adoption is forever. The questions that you are asking are the right ones.

The best of luck,

Susan-

[minibus]

Every state differs. I can only give answers based on my experience in Washington state. I worked in mental health for several years and then in therapeutic foster care fro several more ... so that's where my answers come from....

1. Are there "health" kids on our desired age for adoption through the system (by health I mean no more than mild/moderate emotional needs, no big psychiatric issues, no FAS, no sexual abuse)?

Yes. BUT it's always possibly for issues to come up that haven't come up before if something triggers the child. Also keep in mind that many mental health issues come up later on in the child's development. Also keep in mind that "FAS" (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) is a conglomeration of symptoms and that FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders) are not 100% diagnosable. A child who has FAS has Features A,B,C, and D, which a child who only has Features A, B, and C but not D will not be diagnosed FAS. At the same time, within FASD, there are many ways that the child can function, from low functioning to quite high functioning.

If this scares you, then keep in mind that ANY child, including your biological child, OR a child adopted internationally can always "turn up with" mental health difficulties. I think that one of the benefits of an "older" child adoption (older than newborn) is that you can at least get an idea of how they've been developing so far. With foster adopt, you also generally get more information on the child than with international adoption (at least from what I've heard about international).

2. Is it possible to adopt domestically without doing an open adoption?

Yes. Specify this on your homestudy and with your social worker.

3. Would the state refuse to work with us because my husband wants a closed adoption?

No. Not in my experience.

4. Do all kids who have been on foster care have RAD and ODD?

No. But you need to get as much information as you can and not let the caseworker gloss over problems with "She's done this, but I'm sure with lots of love, she'll be fine."

5. Could we do foster to adopt and still ask to close the adoption if ever happen?

I'm not sure what you mean by this. I think if you want a closed adoption, then you need to specify this at the beginning before you find a child who will be placed with you. In many foster-adopt situations, birthparent rights are already terminated before the child is available for placement, but there might be other family members who the caseworker thinks it will be beneficial for the child to have a relationship with.

I have just been wondering....

We do not want a baby (as we can have them) and we do plan to add a biologic baby over the next 2 years, so it is really important that the adopted child issues would not risk the other kids of the house.... So any kid who need to be the youngest of all, or the only child is a no...

Specify this when you talk to the caseworker. They should have an idea of how the child interacts with older kids, kids of the same age, and younger children.

Best of luck!

[skolnyfamily]

This is my husband's views:

He says he will never tell anything bed about the birth parents, or avoid the subject. he agrees in giving the child as much information the child wants, and will support a search when the child is 18yo. He also agrees in sending the birth parent's pictures and letter. But no contact until the child is 18yo.

However he does not believe (in which I disagree) that the child can see him as a father if the child sees have constant contact with birthparents. he believes that this way he would be only a home where the child lives. He believes that if he is the parent, he should be the only parent and he thinks visitations are confusing and diminish his paper as a father of the child....

I disagree, but respect his opinion. We are taking classes through the county this next month, so maybe his ideas will change... but I am getting thinking on the hypothesis of it not changing at all...

[minibus]

It sounds to me that your husband's ideas are based a lot on fear that the child will not bond with him as a father.

I guess one question I have for you is ... are you sure that you want an older child? Most older children are going to have some recollection of a family they lived with before. Don't get me wrong, I think that older child adoption is fabulous (and we did it ... our daughter is 21 months old) but I wonder if some of that fear would go away with a newborn?

When DH and I were discussing adoption, he had a fear that the child would use it against him in a "You're not my REAL father." We talked about the fact that ANY kid could use some version of this ... if it's not "You're not my REAL father" then it's "Johnny's dad is nicer than YOU. I would rather have HIM be my dad." Once DH realized this, he was more ok with it.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

It sounds like you might be okay with a semi-open adoption -- then it's generally exchange pictures and such, so that the bmom knows the kid is okay, but no face-to-face contact until at least age 18. In some cases, you can even have the agency/attorney act as an intermediary, so that the pictures/letters can be exchanged without either you or the bparents knowing eachother's addresses.

[ChromaKelly]

Not all domestic adoptions are completely open. Many are semi-open, that's what we're doing. We will send pics and letters, but there will be no visits.

Also, please keep in mind that adopting an older child internationally will also have issues (RAD, for instance). Think about it, not only is the child going to have to adjust to living in your home and care, but also going from one country to another.