[FlyNJ]

I thought I had seen this somewhere else, but can't find anything now. My husband and I are in the early stages of the process and debating international v. domestic adoptions. I know ultimately we need to decide which issues/concerns are more important to us, but I would be curious to hear how others made the decision. What concerns you had or what finally pushed you over to adopt either domestically or internationally.

[mrsred]

Dh and I never even considered international. We figured there were enough kids right here at home that really needed a family. We have adopted twice from the foster system.

[Adopted-B-4]

We adopted twice domestically. For us, international adoption was out of the question for several reasons. Mainly, we felt having the opportunity for our children to some day find their birthmother (in our situations, we have all of their information and have relationships with them now, so there will be no need to "find" them) and we felt this healthier in the future. In international adoption, my understanding is that it's quite difficult to find birthparents when the child wants to look. Also, in many international situations, you have to go to the country for a total period of weeks, in at least one country, it's like 4-6 weeks, for us this wasn't possible at all. It was 1 week there to meet the child and then leave without, then back again for at least 2 but up to 6 weeks while the adoption is being processed through their court system. I also had a friend who adopted through Guatemala. She knew when her child was born and returned their to visit her but wasn't able to get her here until the little girl was 14 months old. It drove her crazy, as it would anyone to know your child isn't with you for that length of time, right? Maybe that was just a rare thing, not sure, but it sure made me steer clear of international adoption. I have heard several adoptive couples say they didn't want the birthmother involvement. I can understand that being a good reason to adopt internationally. Not saying anything is wrong with it, just repeating some I have heard. Anyway, those were our reasons.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I adopted internationally because there are so many children living in orphanages around the world, and the future for those kids is very bleak. I also was not comfortable with being picked by an expectant mother. There were many people waiting to adopt newborns, and it just did not fit me.

All countries are different in travel, cost, age of children available. In the end, I really feel you are drawn to where you child is. Mine were in Bulgaria. We are the perfect fit. I would let your heart lead you, not a plus and minus chart. There are so many good reasons to adopt domestically, and so many good reasons to adopt internationally. You just need to find what is right for you.

[devildogwife]

We actually almost went international. However, the more I learned about domestic adoption, the more I liked. I wanted to have the chance to have an open adoption. I wanted to get to know my child's birth mom, and I have! I also didn't want to wait very long, and we didn't. I am obviously thrilled with our choice as I look at my son, and also knowing that the 2 countries we considered are basically at a standstill due to corruption.

[humanpitchpipe]

We adopted DS internationally from Guatemala. We chose Guatemala because of it's short in-country stay, the ability to visit the child, an adoption would be complete in about a year, we could request gender and also that the children were in foster care. Guatemala was also accepting of DH bipolar disorder. We briefly considered domestic, but there is a wonderful agency practically down the street from us that worked only with international adoptions so we went for it. Now Guatemala is shut down, other countries waits or in country times are insanely long, and they are not so accepting of DH bipolar. So we have started investigating domestic again. (I actually will be sending out our application this weekend). The processes are totally different, but you just have to consider what works best for your family. Good luck to you as you make your decision.

[mrsred]

Originally Posted by 2Bulgarianbeauties

In the end, I really feel you are drawn to where you child is. Mine were in Bulgaria. We are the perfect fit. I would let your heart lead you, not a plus and minus chart.

So well said!! And yes, to each of us, what we did made sense, and it was the only thing that made sense to us. Not only were we not interested in international, we were not interested in infact adoption. I do beleive that God has a plan for each of us. Be still, listen to your heart.

[minibus]

For us, we didn't really care about newborn vs. older child. I've heard that is the major sticking point for a lot of people who choose domestic over international. For us, it was about two things - one of them silly and one not. The silly one is that we have four cats, who we didn't feel comfortable leaving alone for 6 weeks or more - we made a commitment to them when we adopted them, too! (The countries we were looking at have very long in-country stays.)

The non-silly one is culture. We didn't know if we would be able to raise a child to get to know his/her culture appropriately if he/she were from another far-away country. This applied to our domestic situation, too, as we have most contact with DH's (Caucasian) family, and my (Asian) family is a a couple thousand miles away. For this reason, we also decided to limit our domestic search to Amerasian and Caucasian children. We were looking at eastern European countries internationally and realized that we couldn't raise a child of that heritage in a culturally appropriate manner.

Best of luck to you in your decision! It's a difficult one, but will give you a lot of direction once you make it!

[Cjmeck]

Book recommendation:
"The Complete Adoption Book"
There is a whole chapter devoted to exploring the benefits and disadvantages of each path. I think first you should ask yourselves if you really want a newborn. If your answer is yes, then domestic is the only way to go. For us, we initially signed up for international adoption because we wanted a baby/toddler but didn't mind if we didn't have a newborn. We were afraid of being judged by a birthmother, we were afraid of the birthmother changing her mind, we were afraid of losing money, ect... But ultimately, we faced our fears head on and educated ourselves and then switched to domestic. Despites my fears, I just had this unrelenting gut feeling that my child was in the U.S.
There are risks to international adoption (like attachment disorders) that scared me more than the emotional risks of domestic adoption. So we just weighed our risks and took a huge leap of faith.
Goodluck to you!! The research phase was the hardest part for me; I drove myself crazy trying to make a decision.

[loveajax]

I really wanted to adopt a newborn for several reasons - - my own selfishness in wanting those little baby booties, etc. (!), the thought of being able to "be" with my child from birth essentially, and the fact that my DH and his sibs were adopted domestically as infants (and all are very happy, nice people!). So I never considered international adoption.

It is such an intensely personal decision....definitely no "right" or "wrong," just what works best for you!!

[CourtneynCarl]

W hen we first started talking about adoption I got online(big surprise) and read everything I could about international and domestic programs. I also requested information packets and DVDs from everyone who would send them to me. I poured over everything and then took a few days to "try on" each of our options. Thought about the time, money, qualifications, the possible pluses and minuses of each path. I also joined a couple of list servers for people who had adopted older children from foster care and internationally. These are real families that are living with adoption on a day in and day out basis. I learned alot! Not sugar coated in a glossy pamphlet - but honest, painful, inspiring, and beautiful none the less. After many months of talking and being realistic with ourselves about what we were and were nto comfortable with at this point in our lives, we chose domestic open adoption. In the end, you will find the path that feels natural to you, and makes sense in your life, and you will be a family!

Best of luck!

[kamari]

We're still working on this decision as well. At first we were firmly set on international. Then we starting crunching the numbers....and now we're seriously considering domestic.

Reasons for initially wanting to adopt internationally:
1) I spent 3mths volunteering in a Chinese orphanage in '98. I know what a 3rd world orphanage looks like. Foster care in this country has numerous problems (well documented by the media) but at least the kids here usually get enough to eat and someone to hold them. (Of course there are always exceptions, but in general...) Whereas this is not always the case in many countries around the world.
2) We have 2 sons and so are looking to adopt a girl. I like the idea of adopting a girl from a country where she might otherwise face severe oppression.
3) We do not want an open adoption.
4) The risk of the birth parents changing their mind after placement is practically nonexistent with international adoption.

Reasons for adopting domestic:
1) It may be the only option we can afford and certainly these kids deserve/need homes as well. (Flight costs alone are skyrocketing!)
2) My husband can't take more than 2 weeks off at a time. International adoptions often require extensive travel time.

As pp have said, this is an intensely personal decision. I know my daughter is out there somewhere. I just haven't figured out where, yet.

[FlyNJ]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. It's good to know what helped others make their decisions.

Originally we were thinking domestic. One of the biggest reasons is that our son is now 2 and I would like a reasonable age difference and feel it's important he remain the oldest.

Then I started thinking international because the thought of the bmom changing her mind makes me very, very nervous.

In the end though, for various other reasons, we are going forward with domestic. There are fears with either choice, but the travel would be tough because we do have a two-year-old and a dog. While we could take the time from our jobs it would be difficult and as was stated earlier, flight costs are skyrocketing and I wouldn't be able to take my 2-year-old out of school for that long.

[sugarmuffin]

I was born in Africa and wanted to adopt a child from there but couldn't be away from the U.S for the three months they required. I ended up going with the African American Infant Program and so far so good. I am with whomever said that God will lead you to the right place

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by FlyNJ

I thought I had seen this somewhere else, but can't find anything now. My husband and I are in the early stages of the process and debating international v. domestic adoptions. I know ultimately we need to decide which issues/concerns are more important to us, but I would be curious to hear how others made the decision. What concerns you had or what finally pushed you over to adopt either domestically or internationally.

There were three main issues that pushed us to domestic (I'm in Canada)

1) Medical information... we decided that there were too many unknowns and that we had a greater chance of knowing the possible health concerns of a child if they were born here and if we knew their other parents.

2) Finances... because of the regulations in our province, a domestic placement is about 1/3 that of any international adoption, and our research included a placement from the US (my home country) where the average cost was well over 3 times more than fees for services in an adoption here in Canada.

3) Ultimately though, we chose domestic placement because we wanted an open adoption that included face to face visits and regular, mutual updates. We wanted to know our children's other families and we hoped to have a life long relationship with them. It hasn't been (so far, but I'm always hoping...) that easy and not what we wished for but we're still working on it.