[sarah75]

Hi,
We have decided to adopt but to be honest I feel like a needle in a haystack, I just dont know where to begin. We live in TN.
Where did you all begin ?
Thank you
Sarah

[tobyandcoco]

Sarah-

I first began very ignorant about adoption. I believed in so many of the stereotypes that exist, until I started to actually do the research. My first stop: Barnes & Noble. I knew I wanted domestic (I wanted the little cute baby feet stage that you get in early infancy), and I bought every book B&N had in stock on adoption. Then, I went to this website and looked under the "professionals" section on the homepage and checked out every agency listed in our state. I live in Michigan, and discovered that MI's laws are not what I would hope for as an adoptive parent....so I began researching laws and which state I would want to adopt in. Through it all, I fully funded Amazon.com as I ordered book after book. There is so much to learn! I've finally decided on an attorney over an agency, and a specific state. The one thing I have done that I'm so thankful for, is I have tried to read tons of literature that explains the bmom and pbmom's point of view, because I have a love for them more than I can describe now. We haven't started the homestudy yet, but I'm so glad I've done so much research and reading before we even got going. The ladies on these boards are amazing, just reading their stories and listening to their experiences, it's more valuable than any book. The internet is a great source of information, but it's also scary sometimes to read the horror stories, written both by a-parents and bmom's. It's a lot, but it's all worth it. Oh, and when you start to think of questions to ask the agency/attorney, put them in an excel spreadsheet, and make a spreadsheet for the different places you're looking into, that will help when you're trying to compare. If you want more info, PM me and I'd be happy to talk with you.
- Sara

[vickalina]

Hi Sarah-
I too, live in TN. I am just starting the adoption process as well. We have been to our first Home Study meeting and are filling out the paperwork that goes along with it. When we decided to adopt we also read every book we could get our hands on (and stilll are). If you would like to PM me I can tell you who we are using for our home study(it is a local agency). We also met with a local attorney to get an idea of what to expect during the process. The only thing we haven't decided on is if we will use an agency or go private. ANyway, I just wanted to wish you luck and feel free to contact me anytime!!

[nikkianni]

Like Sara, I live in Michigan and I did TONS of research before and during our adoption journey. I can't stress enough what doing your homework can accomplish. That and talking to other couples who have been there not only helped me immensely, but it kept me sane.
Start by reasearching your state laws and the various types of adoption. Once you know what type of adoption is right for you, talk to agencies, lawyers and/or facilitators as your state allows.
I didn't find these boards until after we'd finished our homestudy and begun the wait but I can't tell you what a goldmine these folks are.
I know it's overwhelming, especially in the beginning. Hang in there and keep asking questions.

[sarah75]

Thank you all for your advice. I now need to go to B&N and start my research. Any books out there that you thought were more helpful than others ?
Thanks
Sarah

[tobyandcoco]

It really depends on what path you are going to take....I wanted to look at domestic AND international (even though I knew I wanted domestic-it's helpful to understand the "other" side as well, because it helps you to ground your decision). My bookshelf includes: Dear Birthmother (a must for anyone), Talking with Young Children about Adoption, The Post-Adoption Blues, Birthmarks, Raising Adopted Children, The Open Adoption Experience (even if you think you don't want open-please, read this book), Why are All the Black Kids sitting Together in the Cafeteria (helps to understand racial issues), Adoption is a Family Affair, Twenty Things Adopted Kids wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, The Ultimate Insiders Guide to Adoption, The Complete Idiots Guide to Adoption (that was my 1st purchase), So you Want to Adopt....Now What?, Breastfeeding the Adopted Baby, The Primal Wound. Lots of reading, but every page is worth it. Good luck!

[ManyTimesBlessed]

Read, read, read! I started by typing "adoption" into a search engine and went from there with websites, books, articles, etc. You'll feel very overwhelmed at first, but just keep on reading and asking questions and things will start to come together. Soon you'll be an expert. These forums are a great resource because we have all been where you are and we love to help! Ask your questions and we'll all try to answer them for you!

[doggymom77]

I have suggested this book several times in different places on this forum, so some people might think that I am selling it, but... here goes!

I found "The Complete Adoption Book" by Laura Beauvais-Godwin and Raymond Godwin to be extremely helpful. Not only helpful, but also very positive!

I checked it out from my library and kept it for as many renewal periods as I was allowed =) It's a good one.

[admkrswamp]

My husband and I have been considering international adoption for a few months. We did not realize how incredibly expensive it is. The costs don't look too bad until you start adding in all the little things (like visas, notaries, travel, lodging, etc). Now we are starting to look at domestic adoption instead. Can anyone give me some feedback or words of wisom here? Why did you choose domestic? What are the pros and cons of each? I would love some help from those that have gone through this already! Thank you!

~Krista

[Empty_Nest]

We did three international adoptions before doing five domestic adoptions. We were young and ignorant when we started and naively believed all US kids had homes of some kind. I think we got that impression because there were no orphanages here, but there were orphanages overseas. So we thought there was a greater need for foreign-born kids. Anyway, once we woke up and realized there were tons of waiting kids here, we no longer felt the need to go international. That was a personal choice and my remarks are not meant to offend anyone else. Either domestic or foreign adoption is a great way to build a family.

IMO, a good start is to imagine what type of child you think would fit into your family best. Do you have lots of experience with kids and if so, what ages? What's your own age? How long have you been married? Do you have any experience dealing with special needs? If so, which ones? What handicaps can you handle, if any? What financial resources can you bring to bear when dealing with special needs? Does your insurance cover pre-existing conditions? Can you take time away from a job to parent an infant, or would school-age kids be a better fit? Do you live in a diverse neighborhood where a trans-racial adoptee would fit in, or are you in a more homogenous area? Do you want to keep the adoption semi-secret, or don't you care if anyone meeting you and your child will know immediately he is adopted? What are your financial limits for travel costs, local agency fees, interagency fees, etc, etc? There are no wrong answers to such questions. It's just a way for you to help narrow down your capabilities and limits.

Next I would attend an orientation meeting with your local state or county adoption services. That should be free. Even if you think you don't want to use such an agency, you'll still learn a lot and have a chance to ask questions. You will also learn what types of children they place, what special needs the kids might have, and other pertinent info.

Meanwhile, check your library and read what they have about adoption. Don't forget to search interlibrary loan. IMO, not all books are worth owning so why spend the money? If there are books you find especially helpful, you can buy them later at Half.com .

Also for free, keep doing what you're obviously doing and read about possibilities and procedures online.

Check online with various agencies who work in your area, and pay attention to their guidelines. Some work with only people of a particular religion, or they may have age guidelines, or they may require that a couple be married a certain number of years, or they may place only children of a certain age group. Google for adoption agencies in your state.

You may want to subscribe to any adoption magazines available. You may also want to see if there are any adoption support groups in your area where you could meet other adoptive families and talk to them about their experiences. They would also probably have advice about which agencies worked well for them in your same area.

Keep hanging around here. You'll see the good, the bad, and the ugly. Real stories from all three sides of the triad will give you a better understanding of adoption than just about anywhere else. There are complex issues involved in adoption and the more you understand them, the greater your chance of a successful outcome.

Good luck.

[Empty_Nest]

Originally Posted by admkrswamp

My husband and I have been considering international adoption <snip> Now we are starting to look at domestic adoption instead. Can anyone give me some feedback or words of wisom here? Why did you choose domestic? What are the pros and cons of each?

Having done two Korean adoptions with a well-known, highly reputable agency, then a private adoption (back before those were being done at all) from Brazil, and then a US sib group of five from out of state, I'll try to give you my perspective.

Okay, I've been sitting here trying to think of pros and cons of each. The two biggies come to mind: Money and post-placement support. The international adoptions were expensive. I've heard they're much moreso now. (We did all our adoptions in the eighties.) I can remember once having to call Brazil and the cost being $9/minute, which added up fast. Things have changed now in the cost of phone calls, but of course that's just one aspect. I read some of the requirements and costs now and just shake my head.

We had good post-placement support from the agency that placed our Korean kids. But they were easy kids and we didn't really need a lot of support. The Brazilian child was a handful and then some, and we had no support at all since hers was an independent adoption. Things started really coming apart when the five sibs arrived. Without the support of our local agency, I'm not at all sure we would have survived it. I know for sure we would have lost the five sibs. It was hell for almost two years, and in that time, I must have made thousands of phone calls to our agency who ran interference for us with the kids' out-of-state agency, with CPS, and in many other ways. Through it all they also offered the emotional lifeline we desperately needed at the time. I will be forever grateful to our worker who provided the calm within the storm, common sense, a level head, experience, and a shoulder to cry on.

Regarding money, if you adopt through social services, the cost is minimal or free. You will not get a newborn without special needs, however. Since that was never our goal anyway, we didn't care. When we did our out of state adoption, the other state paid for a part or all of our homestudy. (We used a private agency. In general, public agencies do not let you use your study for out-of-state kids because the study is being provided for you at state taxpayer expense and therefore is intended to benefit in-state kids.) They also paid airfare for us (but not our first three kids) to fly to the other state for visitation, all meals, hotels, tickets to the zoo and other places, etc. We had zero expenses. They gave us an insultingly low monthly subsidy for each child, less than half what our own state considered minimum to support a kid where we lived. Our kids were covered by Medicaid or Medical Assistance (the memory is the first to go) paid by the placing county and the federal government. We had good insurance at the time, but that came in handy later when we did not have insurance for two years. Some states/counties will pay for one-time expenses too. One family we met at an adoptive families' picnic had gotten their placing state to pay for the braces their sib group of five all needed on their teeth. Things like that can sometimes be negotiated.

I think it all comes down to what you want and can afford. Domestic adoptions can run into big bucks, too. It may come down to the type of child you can welcome into your family, more than whether you choose domestic or international adoption.

[admkrswamp]

Thank you both for your insights. There is so much to think about and consider. If it is so much cheaper to go through social services, why don't more people do it? Are there young kids available there too? We want a young baby, preferably under 18 months, but they do not have to be an "infant" or brand new. Thanks for your help!

~Krista

PS- Does anyone live in MO that has an agency that they loved?

[amanet17]

I had a friend that recommended this site and i can see that the forums are going to be very helpful. This is the best post on here and i thank all of you for the great information. I'm in Sarah's boat i just didn't know where to start, i went straight online and begin to print out and read as much info as i can find and I'll be making a trip to Barnes and Nobles today.

Its nice to see such a welcoming community.

[Debbie1223]

Hi Everybody, I am new and just beginning to dive into the process, with my husband, of adopting our first child. We are in our 40's and have been TTC for many years with many losses. We have a "furson", lol,,,,Tiger Bear, our 9 year old Chow. I look forward to meeting and getting to know all of you and hope that I can learn and experience all there is to Adoption with all of you, love your new friend Debbie

[streetalk]

Hi, DEBBIE1223
My husband and I started the adoption process in Aug-2007. I did so much research just like everyone else. Looked at domestic or international. We decided on domestic. My husband is also in his 40's. We picked an agency in St Petersburg, Fl. I also checked this place out with the BBB website. It was so much to take in when we first started. I felt like we just stumbled threw everything. One nice thing was ,when the people came to do our home study(it was 4 hours long)they knew the person in one of our letters. It was my mom's best friend. They called her up in the middle of our home study to let her know. I talked to my mom's friend when they left and she said that they were honest people and she knew them a long time. That really put our minds at ease that we picked the right adoption agency. There is so much to do. We had the local back round check. Then the finger printing. Then we had to have a FBI back round check. The 4 hour home study. And now just the other day we have been matched. But the birth mom expences seem like a lot. But we shall see what happens from here. Good Luck and hang in there.