[Kimberly83]

I have posted here before, but in short, due to a chromosome disorder, I will be unable to have biological children. I'm 23 and single now, but when the times comes, I want to adopt, but have feelings about it that concern me. I guess I feel like it just won't be the same as having my own biological children, like because I didn't go through pregnancy and giving birth, I will always feel like an 18-year baby sitter instead of a mother. Like because the child didn't actually come from me that I won't be deserving of the title. I guess most of the mundane, every day task of motherhood that come once the child is actually born could just as easily be done by a nanny, and sadly, in some cases, are. I've even thought alot about having the child call me by my first name instead of "mom". I've heard people say to women who have had biological children, "earned their child", while I know the adoption process is far from easy, will I feel like I "earned" my child? Also, I have an older sister who had a biological child, and I just wonder will my parents and family be as happy for me when I tell them I'm adopting as when my sister announced she was pregnant? I've wondered if anyone would give me a baby shower, and despite the fact that I would've just had to spend alot of money on an adoption, would I deserve one, or deserve time off from work when the child arrives even though I haven't just given birth? Someone else just mentioned this, how and when do you tell someone your adopting? I just wonder if I am still too much "in mourning" so to speak over the fact that I cannot have biological children to be happy enough about adopting when the time comes? I do want to adopt mainly because I do love children and have wanted them ever since I was a child myself, and while I don't feel it will be the same as having my own, I feel it will be better than nothing to at least have a child in my life, whether I ever feel like the mother or not. Having a half a glass of water is better than having an empty glass, you could say. I just wonder if these feelings need to be resolved before I could ever adopt, because I wouldn't want the child to feel like "second best" to me. I know alot of this might sound terrible and like I am putting down those who have adopted, which is the last thing I want to do, but I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has felt like this, and if so how you dealt with it, and if the feelings went away after you actually went throught with the adoption process...

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Adoption is not easy, but the rewards are ten fold. I feel an appreciation and love for my sons that I have never seen in the eyes of my brothers and sisters who have biological children. I always tell people that my path to motherhood is paved with different stones. Every stone tells the story of how I got there...some happy, but many of tear filled nights and month of dissappointment while we tried to have a biological child. For as much pain as I felt before we adopted the boys, they bring more than enough joy.

[ocracoke]

I think it is great that you are expressing your fears and worries honestly. And it is also important to note that adoption is not for everybody. Maybe it is a "mourning" thing for you right now and you need the time to get through these feelings. However, if at the time you plan to adopt you are still feeling these things I would ask that you seriously look at if adopting is in yours and the child's best interest.

I was adopted and I never called my parents mom and dad. I was adopted as an older child and been through a lot and it just didn't feel right to transfer those titles yet again to another set of people. But make no mistake that they were in fact mom and dad -- in love, caring, discipline, etc. They were not my babysitters until I was 18 years. I was secure in that relationship and so were they. And I continue to have a strong relationship with my parents.

As an adoptive mom I have to say that I also never question my role with my daughter. I am mama to her. There is no question of that. It took me all of about 2 days to fully step up and act like her mother, advocate for her, and make the decisions a parent would. Now I look at her and I can not imagine being able to love her any more then I do if she had come from my body. She IS my daughter. But I have to say that if I had any question if I could have fully parented her as a parent then I don't think it would have been fair of me to adopt. She deserves to have a parent that believes they are her parent fully.

Best of luck with your process to come to terms with this in your life.
Samantha

[Kimberly83]

Samantha,

Thanks so much for your response. While I am not sure right now, that I could step and be the full parent you mention, I believe with some work, and support, I could get there. You say how it took not only two days before you were fully stepping up as a parent. Who knows? Maybe it will be that way for me, and all my doubts will go away once I see my adopted child, but I don't want to count on that, of course, and as you say, would seriously have to think about it if I still have these feelings. Of course the child already had someone, their birth parents, who for whatever reason, couldn't step up and be the parent they needed them to be, and I certainly wouldn't want the child to face that again, and feel that sense of rejection again in their life, or the the the person taking care of them still wishes they had their own biological children over them. I know I'm capable of providing love, caring, and discipline for a child, but I guess I just wonder if that will be enough for them to appreciate me as their mother...

[loveajax]

Kimberly, it is OK to grieve the fact that you will not be able to have biological children. For many women (myself included), this was a really difficult curveball thrown to us. I think it is great that you are thinking of all sorts of feelings/issues now, and hopefully you will work thru them before you decide to adopt (if ever). Adoption is not for the faint of heart, believe me, but it is a wonderful path to parenthood. To be honest, I now can't imagine not having DD (and exactly DD) as my daughter...I couldn't ask for anything more. Good luck!

[aclee]

I think your concerns are valid, and they are something that you'll only discover the truth to by doing. I almost married a man with two children, who were not mine biologically. I can tell you I felt far different than an 18 year old babysitter when I was with them. I also think that recognizing the bond that comes with birth is special is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean that your special bond will be any less strong. When people say their adopted children are born in their heart it is amazing. I've been researching adoption for a while and we just started our home study. I can't even tell you the amazing feelings that flow through me every step we make and I become closer to becoming a mother. I am also from a divorced family, so maybe I had a heads up to how strong bonds can be, even when there is no biology involved.

As a WAY side note. I'm a Nanny. I work for a family now that has a newborn. I don't think it's sad that they have me. I think they are wonderful parents who care a lot about their children, and honestly, they are blessed to have me. Parent's don't hire a private caregiver because they don't care. No parent that works should feel bad about supporting their family in the way they see fit. Do I get attached to those children? You bet. Do I in anyway think my attachment is the same as parental? No way. There something that comes from late nights feeding, or sickness, and cozy family time watching movies. There is something that comes from knowing someone is your parent and will always be there...as their older children have always had. Your child will know you are their parent, and always there, for good or bad....they know a sitter goes home after she gets paid. That bond can sometimes be strengthened by a physical similarity, but it mostly comes for love and nurturing. My brown haired sister, married to my DARK brown haired brother in law just gave birth to a beautiful little girl with Bright red hair. No idea where it came from. Genetics can be weird anyway

[Kimberly83]

Hey Aclee, thanks for your response.

First let me clarify, I didn't mean that leaving a child with a nanny while you work, or have an occasional night out with your husband is a bad thing. If I adopt, I plan to still work myself after the child is in my home. I surely don't think that means you love the child any less. I just meant by people who practically have nannies raise their children for them and spend more time not with their children then with them, whether they had biological children or adopted. I just feel, of course, that the primary responsibility for taking care of the child is the parents, and it isn't fair when they constantly leave that responsibility to someone else. You yourself mentioned that "parental attachment", isn't the only way to gain that spending time with your children?

I can see your point, that no matter what parents are constant and provide stability, babysitters come and go. I guess as you say, I will truly discover how special the bond with an adopted child can be, and how indeed I am in fact becoming a parent through it, only when I go through the process, which hearing your story makes me look forward to someday

I know what you mean about Genetics, because as far as I know, I am not adopted and I don't think I look much like my parents. Genetics are not as strong as you think, lol I guess it's more the bond and carrying a child inside you and giving birth that makes me feel like I'm missing out, but not passing on my genes isn't the biggest deal to me, I can live with that

[linda512]

I had a lot of anxiety about adopting. I adopted my son after trying to get pregnant as a single mother. There was a mourning process, but even after that I was not sure I could really love an adopted child. Some of that fear is normal even if you carry a child. Many pregnant women have the same fear- what if the child is ugly, etc.
I was worried that I would be disgusted by my son's vomit, poop, saliva and snot, and about how we would bond. People may not talk about it much, but it is out there. Of course you will worry.
Having said that, I can't believe how much I love my son. I don't have bio kids, but I can't believe I would love them more. I want to go out in the street and tell everyone how great adoption is. I just told my friend "I can't believe anyone else can love their child as much as I love mine!" I can't say it any more strongly than that.
He is my baby, and I am his mama.
So, working through all your emotions, grief and anxiety is important but don't think that because you have doubts that it can't work.

[jaenelle]

Whatever you feel is okay. There's nothing wrong with feeling how you do.

The wrong thing would be proceeding with an adoption before you've dealt with these feelings so they won't be an issue.

I was 100% thrilled to start the adoption process -- I didn't care about being pregnant, I just wanted to be a mom. I've had a long time to process the fact that I can't get pregnant -- since quite awhile before I even wanted kids -- so I've pretty much always thought my kids would be adopted. I know for a lot of women, there's major grief about not being able to be pregnant or give birth. And that's okay. For me, there wasn't. And a lot of people have tried to tell me it's not okay -- that I'm wierd somehow -- because I didn't have that interest.

I think it's wonderful that you're exploring these feelings now. In my experience, the more time you have to deal with something, (usually) the better you deal with it. By starting now thinking about these things, you may be saving yourself a lot of heartache later on. Good luck, whatever your path in life is.

[ourdreamcametru]

I think it is wonderful that you are able to talk about your pain now and get it out instead of holding it inside.
I believe that when the time is right and you decide you are ready to adopt, that your worries will go away. As the mother of three children, two bio and one adopted I can assure you that you will love an adopted child every bit as much as one you gave birth too. Once you have gone through the adoption process trust me, you will have "earned" motherhood and you will FEEL like you earned it!!!!! LOL
Since your family already knows you can't have bio children I believe they will be just as excited, if not more, when you tell them you are adopting!

[HBV]

I agree with the others that it is a great thing to express these feelings and deal with them. I think that lots of people have similar worries about the process, so you are not alone. I distinctly remember the moment, sitting in the car w/ dh on the way back from the fertility clinic after we'd gotten the "Sorry, not gonna work for you" diagnosis and worrying about exactly the things you're expressing. And it's true that some folks don't bond right away to either their bio children or their adopted children.

Having said all that, and being a mom who does have a nanny to care for my son while I work, I can tell you that you're "still the one" as far as your child is concerned. And nothing, NOTHING is better than hearing that little voice say "MOMMY!" and break into a grin when you walk in the door.

I may not have suffered through morning sickness, and I didn't give my son his gorgeous eyes, or the ability to raise only one eyebrow, or that beautiful skin. But I am the one who gives him structure, and stability, and the best care I can provide, and a lap to snuggle on at night while we read "GOOD NIGHT MOON." You bet I deserve to be called "Mommy."

Work through this as you must, but be willing to take a leap of faith at the end that you will love your child and you will be more than a babysitter.

[Kimberly83]

Linda: Thanks, I guess that's what's I really needed to hear that I'm not the only who has doubts about this, and that I shouldn't let it stop me...I guess I do worry about if the bond with an adopted child would be the same as if it were my own, too. Society seems to give this idea (which I'm sure many of you can attest to it being false) that that true mother-child bond can only come from carrying a child and giving birth. As if being pregnant and giving birth magically makes your "mother's instinct" kick in, when I do know of people whom have have given whom I'd say still don't have those instincts and those who have never been pregnant who do.

Yes, that's part of why I'm here on this forum, even though I'm not near starting the process yet. If I adopt at say, 40, I will have had a long time to deal with these feelings about not being able to have a biological child, and while I'm not sure I'll ever completely get over it, I will have had time to learn to look at things from a different perspective...

Of course, my immediate family knows I cannot have bio children, and will support me and be happy for me if and when I adopt, as will my closest friends, but I guess it's my extended family I worry about. First, I have one particular family member who made two female family members (my sister before she had children included) cry over comments she made about them not having gotten pregnant yet. I have concerns about this member, not knowing my situation, and others. Only one person in my family, my father's cousin, has adopted two children, and while they (my extended family) seem to love and accept the children, I just don't feel the family gets treated quite as well as they would if they'd have biological children," and also I have a grandmother, who likely doesn't know about me, who gleefully gets up at our annual Christmas party and talks about how great it is the family is growing (lots of cousins having children) and telling everyone to "keep having babies", and I guess I just feel weird knowing that even if I do contribute to the growing extended family someday, it won't be in the same way as most everyone else. The same Grandmother asked my older sister if she was pregnant, like 2 months after she got married, so yeah, I can see how much family event are going to be when I get married. Short of making a public announcement about my condition so everyone knows, does anyone here who may have dealt with fertility issues or lack of support for adoption also have any advice on how to deal with family members like these? Cuz I'd definitely like some tips and to be emotionally prepared before the time comes...

[illinigal]

Kimberly,

I think that your questions and fears are completely normal. I have experienced many of the same doubts and questions about raising an adoptive child. For me, I am looking into adoption due to unexplained infertility but the grieving about being pregnant and giving birth is there. I noticed that for a while my feelings were intense and very emotional whenever I thought about adoption. Lately, when I think about adoption my thoughts are more practical like how long would it take and what would the home study really be like. It took me a while to process all of the emotional stuff and move forward. I also saw a counselor for all of the infertility stress and anxiety. If you're interested in something like that it might help.

Best of Luck!

[Kimberly83]

Thanks for your response. Yes, I have already started seeing one counselor concerning it, but had to stop due to my health insurance not covering it, but I definitely plan on continuing to seek that kind of help...

[aclee]

You asked if the bond between and adopted child and a biological child would be the same. I often thought it would be and would argue with people. As I said I dated that man with 2 children. I loved them. The run in front of a speeding 18 wheeler to save them if I had to kind of love. I was proud of them when they did great, and cried when they were hurt. They were my boys. A little back ground. This man actually had custody of both boys. One was his, and one was his wifes from a previous relationship with a married man. They always argued, she never felt he loved the other boy the same as his own. I can honestly say he loved them both, treated them both the same, and sacrificed a lot for both of them. We were all meeting with their play therapist...who was an extremely highly regarded child therapist in his field. We got in with him because I managed the office of an adult psycologist (how ever you spell that) anyway, she brought up the whole he loves "his" son better than "mine" (I'll remind you, she didn't have custody of either boy, because she was so neglectful) The therapist basically went off on her for the next 30 minutes about attachment and bonding. Long story short, the bond with ANY child vs another will not be the same. The bond you woud share with one bio child vs another bio child would be different. Every child will cue different emotions, forming a different bond, and attachments. The bond a parent has with a bio child is WAY different than a bond a parent has with an adopted child. Is is better? No. Is it worse? No. Is one stronger than another...not neccesarily, they are just different. I have two neices (well I have many, but these 2 in particular I am very close with) I was there for both births, and one came out and looked exactly like me. She looks like her mom now, finally at almost 3, but up till now, she was my spitting image. I have a close bond with both, but that bond is different. The other neice has red hair and she reminds me of my aunt who has passed away. They cue different emotions in me, and the bond builds from that. Both are very close bonds, and I love them both so much....sometimes I wonder if I'll have love left for my own children, but the bonds are different. Just the fact that I bonded to my first neice when she was an only child makes the bond different...Now I bond with my new neice through stolen moments when my husband has the older one on the computer. Different is good. I don't want to feel that same way about everyone I love. I love them all, but the bonds are different. I hope that make sense. You could be pregnany 1,000 times and everytime it would be different and you would form different bonds. Your bond with your adopted children will not be weaker because you did not carry them for 9 months. You for a different bond when you work and slave over adoption papers, and homestudies and Bmom profiles. You carry adopted babies in your heart for a way longer "term" than a bio mom would actually physically carry her baby....