[Adtab]

The first time we tried to adopt from the state, several years ago, we noticed they don't use calenders, and you had to call to the top to get the caseworker to return calls or emails.

This time, they at least return calls, but it's awful. If they say they will call you in one week, you have to call and remind them after two weeks that they were supposed to call a week ago!

Then, because I escaped from abuse as a child, they think I should spend a few more years re-liveing that abuse before I adopt a child. Uh, wait a minute. I am 34! I spent 24 years learning what abuse was, and how to not be a parent. Why should I further destroy my life, and my marriage by re-liveing it?

Apparently because I have been a victim and know how not to parent I am not suitable to be a parent. Yet, I see, and hear all the time, these parents and grandparents who let their toddlers play in car trunks, and smoke in their faces, not to mention other things, and they can pop out babies with nearly every breath.

Sadly, a 16 year dream to have a child will never be a reality for me. I will never believe that any government agency has to treat a potential adoptive family as the worst kind of criminal imagineable.

I guess if I could have lied about how I grew up i could have adopted a child. Oh well, I am closer to a granparent's age than a parent anyway, and my husband more so. Maybe in a few years, we will find a single mom to adopt, and just have grandkids that way, and no kids as kids. The state won't have any say so over adopting an adult.

[Linny]

Whoa.....lots of info here to digest. First, I have to say that I'm sorry the state is treating you in this fashion. I know all too well how stupid the 'system' can act and be.

And, not returning calls? I personally think they must have to take a class in this area so they KNOW not to answer and be very helpful, you know?!! In all the years we dealt with the system through foster care and adoption, I have to say we only had possibly one casewoker that was worth dealing with. More than not, we found ourselves with young girls who'd never adopted, never had any children, much less have been married. How could they possibly relate to much, if any of the questions in homestudies and dealing with difficult children from the system??? (Go figure!!)

But, you mention the system has asked you to deal with your own abuse issues as a child? For what reasons? Do they feel you've not really resolved this issue in your mind? Do they feel you're just not ready; or are they using this as an excuse for something else? I'm understanding you were the victim here, correct? Oftentimes, this can be seen as a positive for parents who will more than not, be adopting a child that's been abused sexually or physically (or both)....so you could understand the child more readily; not usually the other way around....

Has this particular agency just told you-flat-out-NO; or have they told you to take some more of their classes and such in order to get licensed to adopt? If it's a matter of just taking more classes---do it. While most of them are 'so-so'.....if it will cause you to eventually be licensed to adopt---just do it. If not, then I'd have to wonder if they're (the state) thinking there are other problems and they're just finding an excuse.....

Sincerely,

Linny

[Adtab]

Hi Linny,
Thanks for responding.

Basically, the state agency people think that I should have gone through counseling to deal with the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. They really have no idea why, they feel i need to talk about it. It is resolved, as I resolved it myself. I spent my entire ten years in college preparing to adopt - Child and family development, social work degree, and most of the psychology classes offered. I know what reliving the past would do to me.

I have spent the last six to seven years of my life trying to get into a financial position to adopt. Sadly, we don't have the money to adopt through an agency, and never will. That's just beyond our means. Also, due to my health issues, I cannot care for an infant, and almost all agencies only adopt infants. I can care for a child, just not the lack of sleep with an infant. (I have raised bottle fed kittens, and after a week or so, I know what it does to me, so I have tried!)

I wish we could move to a forward thinking state, but hubby works for the government, so we are kinda stuck here, in the second most backward state in the country!

[Linny]

Does your state have private agencies that license couples? If so, you can always go to another agency who'll have caseworkers who might understand. I know we found this in our own state after trying to get another homestudy once an adopted son (foster care) ended up leaving our home to live in residential due to dangerous behaviors. One caseworker had a true bias for this and did a real crummy job on our homestudy. We pointed out the inconsistencies and they were corrected by her supervisor; but we finally went to another agency who had a caseworker that completely understood our situation and wrote a good homestudy.
So, is finding another agency an option, or does your state only allow the 'state agency' to write homestudies?

Sincerely,

Linny

[Mongoose]

While I can understand your anger, it seems to me that you're responding in a very hostile manner to what you're asked to do, and that might be what the case workers are concerned about. If you've dealt with the abuse in your past, then going to counselling will not destroy your life and your marriage. If it's dealt with, it's dealt with, and the counsellor can write a letter to that effect.

Also, changing jobs happens. You and your husband are only as "stuck" as you allow yourselves to be - even in an economy like the US which I know is not as good as ours.

I'm sure once your anger subsides and you start problem-solving, you will see proactive ways to work with what's presented to you.

Good luck.

[SAVeronika]

Originally Posted by Mongoose

If you've dealt with the abuse in your past, then going to counselling will not destroy your life and your marriage. If it's dealt with, it's dealt with, and the counsellor can write a letter to that effect.

No, it probably won't destroy her life. But having to relive something that you've put in your past for someone else's benefit only causes old pains and angers to rise to the surface. It can be devistating, even if you've dealt with it before. Why relive all that when you've successfully moved past it, KWIM? No, I've never suffered sexual abuse, but had plenty of physical, verbal and emotional abuse while growing up. I've worked hard to put it in my past and to change learned behaviours. No-one else can decide for me that I need to revisit all of those emotions and anger. I think the same goes for the OP. But that's just me, speaking from my own point of view.

Adtab, is there no-one else you can turn to for help? I really hope you can get this worked out so you can build your family.

[Adtab]

Linny, we could get a homestudy done through an independent, and tried to think of a way the state here would not be involved, since they have marked us as ineligible due to my past. I keep dreaming of moving to Arizona....


Mongoose, what I am angriest about is the lies. Even my husband who has worked for the government for 20 years is angry about that. He doesn't want to work with the state anymore. As for reliving the past - opening old wounds that are healed is never wise. It is best to leave the past in the past. Sure, I could go to counseling and sit there, as I have nothing to talk about, but I also don't have the money to pay for it. Insurance doesn't cover unnecessary counseling not required by the doctor. in fact, my doctor, who is on the state foster care review board asked me last week how the adoption process was going!

SAVeronika, I've tried everything we can think of. If we could move, I would, sadly, his job isn't easily transferable, and his it the primary income. I'm used to moving and starting over, and he isn't. I remember how big a deal just moving into this house five years ago was for him. Thanks for understanding.

[Mongoose]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what they're asking you to do. Are they really telling you to go to therapy for years and "relive the abuse" etc, or are they just asking you to go to a therapist so the therapist can get an idea of your state of mind? I had assumed the second.

SAVeronika - no one can decide for you what you need to do about your past, but it's these people's job to apply the procedures they have, and to rule out the people who are not willing to work with the procedures. It's nothing personal.

[crick]

I am sorry this process is so frustrating for you. I think Mongoose's point is a good one though...that the state has laws to follow and they do have to make sure all bases are covered.

As with any adoption process, we all have hoops to jump through in order to get there. For example, my hoop was providing a letter explaining why my hearing impairment would not intefere with my ability to parent. I also needed my references to touch on this issue as well. That they felt despite my disability, I would be able to parent successfully. So this was an additional step needed on my part in order to adopt. I could have told them until I was blue in the face that it didn't matter, but they needed additional follow up to that. They can't discriminate on disability or anything like that, but they do have to make sure they've followed their steps too.

Obviously it's not the same type of issue, but it's the hoop you have. I would think the state just wants a letter stating a counselor has talked to you and feels that your past abuse history will not prohibit you from parenting successfully. That you have dealt with it and it's not a concern. Have you asked if you can do this through say a mental health center that doesn't charge high fees? Or are they specific to what kind of counselling or therapist you need to see? Just saying it might not be as big of an obstacle you might feel it is.

[hopetoadoptblogger]

As a fellow survivor of childhood abuse, I feel your pain and frustration. I had to talk about it also in my home study, and it was REALLY HARD. The emotional wounds were still very raw because I was actively in therapy facing my past, and I had not talked with many people about what had happened. It was REALLY HARD to open up to this "stranger" and talk about something so personal.

All they needed was a letter from my therapist stating his opinion that my history would not negatively impact my ability to raise a child. We wrote the letter together, and he let me see it before he put it in the envelope. That was all there was to it.

I know firsthand how much emotional damage that sexual abuse inflicts on someone. The social workers know this, too, which is why they would like for you to talk to a therapist. You don't have to go into full-fledged therapy, although, in my opinion, therapy is a good idea for anyone who has been sexually abused. The aftereffects permeate every area of your life.

I am sure you will be a great mom, just as I knew that I would be. That being said, you will be an even better mom if you have fully worked through all of the aftereffects of what happened to you. If you have already done this, then that will be apparent to the therapist when you meet. If you have not, then talking with a therapist would be a gift both to yourself and to your child.

I agree that it completely stinks that you and I were abused as children and then we have this "held against us" as adults. There is not one thing that is fair about being abused as a child. I tried to remember when I went through my own home study that it is the social worker's job to make sure a child is safe. While you and I came out of our experiences with our sanity intact, many people do not. This is a safeguard set up to protect children, not to torment abuse survivors, even though it can feel that way.

I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I know the pain all too well. It is so hard. The fact that you survived it is a testament to your strength.

I hope you are able to work through these issues and adopt the baby you long for.

Take care,

- Faith

[hopetoadoptblogger]

No, it probably won't destroy her life. But having to relive something that you've put in your past for someone else's benefit only causes old pains and angers to rise to the surface. It can be devistating, even if you've dealt with it before. Why relive all that when you've successfully moved past it, KWIM? No, I've never suffered sexual abuse, but had plenty of physical, verbal and emotional abuse while growing up. I've worked hard to put it in my past and to change learned behaviours. No-one else can decide for me that I need to revisit all of those emotions and anger. I think the same goes for the OP. But that's just me, speaking from my own point of view.

I have spent years working through the healing process to recover from severe childhood abuse, including sexual abuse. As you heal, the emotional wounds become scabs and then scars, so they no longer hurt. Today I can talk about my past without having to relive it. However, when I went through my home study, the wounds were still deep, which made it extremely hard to talk about. I cried a lot and felt the enormity of the shame as I talked about it with the social worker.

This might be what the social worker is seeing and why she is encouraging a visit to a therapist. Healed wounds no longer cause deep pain. Yes, there is always residue, but the residue does not carry the intensity of unhealed emotional wounds.

I am not saying that a person cannot be a good mother even with unhealed emotional wounds. What I am saying is that these wounds continue to affect your life until they are healed, and they can be triggered by parenthood. I started having flashbacks when my son reached the age I was when my own abuse started. This is common, particularly for sexual abuse survivors. It does not necessarily affect your ability to be a good mother, but it does affect the quality of your own personal life when the past slams you like this.

I strongly encourage anyone who was sexually abused to talk to a therapist before adopting, whether or not the home study requires this. Entering into therapy was the best gift I ever gave my son. I am a much healthier person emotionally, and he is the one who reaps the most benefits. I was a good mother before -- I was an even better mother after.

- Faith

[Adtab]

Sadly, they want several years of therapy first.

Actually, all the info is written in the packet we gave to them before the adoption classes started, and before the homestudy began. Yet, they never mentioned anything about thinking I need therapy. Since we cannot trust them to keep any promises in regards to call backs, and visits, how can we trust them to be satisfied with any psycoanalysts decesions? We don't have years to to wait, we are far to old for that!

I made the mistake early in college of going to counseling to deal with the emotional and physical abuse. I am just now realizing what damage it has done to the past 15 years of my life. It stole my self belief, and left me full of self doubt (one reason I am not in a a career I would have tried harder to be in). It stole my self worth, and left me ashamed and afraid of myself. It stole my trust in other people and left me afraid of other people. That's really an understatement.

Sadly, I, like 1/4 of people who enter counseling, were damaged by it. Just a few days ago MSNBC had a article about the dangers of therapy. It can be good to have someone to talk to, but it can also be abused. It can make the person even more of a victim, locked in their own shell.

I have seen the dangers, and wish I could re-find the fearless, nothing to lose teenager that tried so hard, plotted, and planned to escape the place I was in. I remember knowing something was wrong when I was 12, and setting goals to battle it. I didn't have a name for it then, and no help, it was a serious case of OCD. By college, it was down to reasonable levels, though college and their insistance on time management classes almost brought it back!

Sadly, adoption will always be only a dream. The only dream worth living for, but a dream!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Adtab

Sadly, I, like 1/4 of people who enter counseling, were damaged by it. Just a few days ago MSNBC had a article about the dangers of therapy. It can be good to have someone to talk to, but it can also be abused. It can make the person even more of a victim, locked in their own shell.

Can I ask where you heard that figure of 1/4? The thing of it is, therapy should be more than just having someone to talk to. It should be about using techniques that have been proven to reduce the impact of the trauma that sexual abuse has. I am sorry your first therapist was unable to do that for you. It sounds to me that the problem lies with the therapist you had, not that therapy cannot work for you. I encourage you to do a little research on the methods that have been found most effective in dealing with sexual abuse and find a therapist who knows what s/he is doing.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Adtab

Sadly, I, like 1/4 of people who enter counseling, were damaged by it. Just a few days ago MSNBC had a article about the dangers of therapy. It can be good to have someone to talk to, but it can also be abused. It can make the person even more of a victim, locked in their own shell.

Can I ask where you heard that figure of 1/4? The thing of it is, therapy should be more than just having someone to talk to. It should be about using techniques that have been proven to reduce the impact of the trauma that sexual abuse has caused. I am sorry your first therapist was unable to do that for you. It sounds to me that the problem lies with the therapist you had, not that therapy cannot work for you. I encourage you to do a little research on the methods that have been found most effective in dealing with sexual abuse and find a therapist who knows what s/he is doing.

[joskids]

Sadly, I have to state that I've run into therapists who are just a waste of time. Not everyone who is called a "therapist" has the best way with people, or understand the issues of abuse and neglect and, in particular, adoption and RAD issues. So my respect for therapists has greatly declined. Not that the original poster can toss aside the recommendation of the agency (unfortunately), so that doesn't help her much. As for workers who don't call back . . . I TOTALLY AGREE how frustrating that is. You have to become your own advocate and spend a lot of time on the phone. Fortunately, we are well-respected by the agency we fostered for and other agencies we've worked with so the last couple of years have been more successful for me in terms of getting answers from agencies, but you have to learn to "work the system" and that isn't an easy thing to do. My heart goes out to the original poster. She is hurt and has reason to be. She should not be treated as a "criminal". And Linny, as ALWAYS, is so right. Many agency workers are young and inexperienced and have NO IDEA HOW TO PARENT THEMSELVES, let alone be in charge of someone else's parenting abilities. It's very frustrating. In my opinion (I know, who cares, right?), the best resources can be found in other adoptive parent groups and friends who have fostered and adopted. They "get it", when others don't. Best wishes to you, Adtab. I hope you can begin to look up soon and find your blessing(s).