[klmmom]

I have some questions about birthmother expenses. My husband and I are brand new to this, we actually just found our agency today. My question is...why are birth mother expenses around $10,000 for living and medical expenses? I know a friend who was thinking of obtaining public aid because of low finances and was assured that her pregnancy and delivery would cost her almost nothing. In addition, aren't the birthmothers already living somewhere? Why is it that you pay their rent and for food if they are already established? It doesn't make sense to me. I totally understand paying for legal fees and social work fees and even office co-pays and delivery bills, but I just don't understand the rent, food, and clothing expenses. Especially if you aren't even matched until the mom is in her 7th or 8th month (shouldn't she already be wearing maternity clothes?). I hope these questions don't offend anyone. Like I said, I'm new at this and just trying to understand things like this and figure them help.

[cometkitty]

I am not sure exactly but I am guessing it is because toward the end of a pregnancy many women find it hard to work and may need to take a leave from their job if they have one. Also some people do not qualify for medical expenses to be paid by the state if they have a part-time job or if they maybe are covered by someone elses insurance. So there are a lot of factors that go into birthmother expenses but most agencies should let you decide before getting started what your budget would be since most of those expenses are lost if a potential birthmother decides against an adoption plan. I also think each state varies in what is considered an acceptable expense.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Yeah, I don't know either. You should have the option to tell your agency or worker that you are unwilling to cover living expenses (if this is your choice). I agree, in some cases, it makes no sense.

The first woman we were matched with the agency upset me a little bit. We were matched very early in her pg, and our agency had a policy of carrying out living expenses through the month following birth.

This woman was pg with her 5th child. She was living with her aunt. She was unemployed, and I'm not sure she ever had a job. She lived in a very poor part of the country, and she collected $400/month in welfare for her four kids. So.. here's a woman who is not paying rent, collects welfare, does not work (potentially never had) and she was approved for $900/month for TEN months! This is when we walked away.

It really bothered me because I felt like I'm busting my hump to make ends meet and I'm working and I'm paying my bills and I'm doing everything "right" and here is a person who seemingly (to me anyway) was sucking the life out of the gov't and anywhere else she could... I did find out she was on a waiting list for gastric bypass surgery and her health insurance did not cover it. I often wondered if this was her incentive for the adoption plan, and if she would have even placed, or if she was a scam and just looking for the money. I'll never know. And I really don't care.

There are plenty of people out there who are expecting and doing everything they can to get by, and sometimes they get laid off or they have to take an unpaid leave or some other unforeseen event. These expectant parents I completely feel for and would bend over backwards to help them out if I was able to.

We were fortunate and matched with a couple who did not want/need living expenses. As a matter of fact, financially, they were better off than us. And they felt it would be wrong to take the money away from their child, our daughter. However, I'll tell you, if there was any way we could have given them assistance, we would have. It felt awful having this luxury of parenting because they chose us and there was nothing we could do in return. I'm not talking $10000 worth of help, but it would've been nice if we could've done *some*thing.

Do what feels right to you. You'll have no regrets if you follow your heart.

[klmmom]

What I don't understand about extravagant birth mother expenses is this...I have 3 daughters. We did have insurance for their births but still had to pay co-pays, deductibles, mortgage payments, grocery bills, clothing costs, etc. I had to pay for it all. I guess I'm not sure why birthmothers don't cover the costs for their pregnancy like I had to or get assistance from their state like I would have had to do if I did not make enough money.

I guess this is just my nerves speaking because we're so new at this and I'm afraid of being taken for a ride by a scam and also afraid of putting out gobs of money for a pregnancy and then the mother changing her mind. We wouldn't get any of that money back.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Right, you'd lose the money. That's why we walked away from that first match, too. We couldn't afford that kind of risk.

I don't get it, either. I agree with the push for taking money out of adoption altogether. I don't think it will ever happen, but I think it would be great.

Really, I'm not sure why they are so strongly encouraged to take living expenses. Our agency told us they kept encouraging DD's bparents to take living expenses. I was so upset when they told me this. They'd helped get bmother on health insurance, and offered to help get her on other aid (not sure if it was welfare or what?) but bmother only wanted the health insurance through the state.

I don't get the push for the living expenses either.

And, you're entitled to question this stuff. This is what you should be doing. :-)

Adoption is SO nervewracking, no matter which part of the triad you're on.

Good luck.

[chemist]

Quote: We did have insurance for their births but still had to pay co-pays, deductibles, mortgage payments, grocery bills, clothing costs, etc. I had to pay for it all. I guess I'm not sure why birthmothers don't cover the costs for their pregnancy like I had to or get assistance from their state like I would have had to do if I did not make enough money.

As explained by our agency...

Women who are considering placing a child for adoption generally have financial issues. (If they were on solid financial footing, they probably are not considering making an adoption plan, they can care for their baby.)

Also, many of these women do not have maternity benefits such as you and I have. (Or, would have if I could get pregnant.)

Many pg women find it hard to work in the last trimester, especially if employed in a job that requires being on their feet. If someone has an hourly job and is working fewer hours, their meager earnings go down.

Some of the women I know IRL talk about bmom expenses including: money to help with rent, some grocery store gift cards to make sure that she has adequate food (food stamps really are not that generous), and maybe some maternity clothes. (Even stuff bought early in pregnancy won't necessarily fit later.)

The adoptive families I've talked to IRL didn't seem to think that anything they spent was really out of line and seemed minima.

The idea of losing that money in case of a failed adoption is a little scary. However, the federal tax credit does apply in the case of a failed adoption.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by klmmom

I guess I'm not sure why birthmothers don't cover the costs for their pregnancy like I had to or get assistance from their state like I would have had to do if I did not make enough money.

Some do. Be careful not to make sweeping generalizations.

I got Medicaid and then, when it was cut off, I paid for the rest of my medical expenses, including the Munchkin's medical bills. (Or, should I say, I'm still paying for them.)

There are some mothers who are not eligible for Medicaid because they work at jobs that put them "above the limit" but still don't have medical insurance. There are also mothers who can't be on their parents' insurance because their parents have shunned them due to the pregnancy but cannot legally emancipate.

The list of reasons goes on and on. While you have a right to be frustrated, please remember that there are so many scenarios that we can't just lump everyone together.

That said, if you can't afford medical expenses, wait for a match in which the birth mother qualifies and is properly using her Medicaid or has other insurance.

[klmmom]

Thanks guys!

Like I said, I'm very new to this process and hear a lot of horror stories. Since I'm so new, it's hard to sort out what's normal and what's abnormal.

It's also nice to know that most people out there are not trying to "take a couple for a ride". I hope that we get to meet a birthmother like that. We would love to pay co-pays and things related to the child that would become part of our family if we felt like we were truly being a blessing to the mother. Please forgive my harshness since I'm not trying to purposefully offend and just trying to gain an understanding. This forum is a HUGE help!!!

[Leafy]

I guess I have to say I find it shocking that anyone would wonder why birthmothers seek expenses. Certainly as adoptive parents it's our decision whether we can afford the expenses, and legitimate if we can't. But when DH and I hear the stories of women making birthplans we are invariably amazed by the hardships they endure in general, and more so by what they go through bringing this life into the world. They are choosing to bring a pregnancy to term, which is extremely difficult both physically and emotionally. The least we can do is ensure they have a few maternity clothes and a comfortable bed to sleep in. I don't think that's selfish or self-indulgent. I wish more than a small fraction of the money my husband and I have spent on adoption could go to birthmothers, like a scholarship fund or something. They are not saints, but they deserve our respect and support--and the benefit of the doubt-- at the very least.

[klmmom]

I wasn't questioning whether or not birthmothers "deserved expenses". I was simply trying to gain an understanding of what those expenses normally entail. Like I've said before, I'm totally on board with co-pays, medical bills, legal fees, that kind of thing. What I was concerned about was a mother wanting money to support 4 or 5 other kids that she is parenting or wanting money to buy Christmas presents. My husband and I are going to have enough money to pay for the adoption but not thousands of dollars in rent and food money for our birthmother. I was simply trying to guage whether or not it was possible to find a birthmother who didn't need those things, thereby making our adoption even possible.

Please, posters, give me some grace as I'm just trying to figure out how things work. I'm not mean spirited against any birthmother nor did I want to offend anyone or "shock" anyone simply by asking an honest question for clarification.

[thanksgivingmom]

As a bmom, I didnt know that money would be an option during the pregnancy. I worked as a server at a restaurant working my last shift four days before the baby was born and working my first shift post labor three days after she was born. I would have loved to be able to take some time off (walking for eight hours after having a baby was very challenging and painful). I had to keep the pregnancy a secret from my family and had no health insurance. I was scared that if I went to the hospital for emergency medical attention during labor that I would end up with huge medical bills and have to tell my parents. Also I lived at home and hiding the pregnancy was pretty hard.

I would hope for all of you wonderful aparents out there that your money would go to things so that women like me would not be afraid of going to hospitals or work ourselves to possibly unhealthy conditions. If I had additional income from aparents I assure you it would have only been used for necessities and not for extravagancies that aren't necessary. I hope you find a girl/woman that would do the same. Good luck!

[PasoJen]

I totally sympathize with bmothers that have made such a huge sacrafice to adopt rather than abort. My hopes and dreams depend on them! I understand that they are often in financial need and this time of their life should not be one in which they are concerned about getting kicked out of their apartment or losing their job and having no way to make ends meet.

On the other hand, I know where akmmom is coming from. From a prospective aparent perpective, the information given by agencies and their references is sometimes shocking. At times I was left with the feeling that I would be "buying a baby" and/or that I could be scammed by people who have no intention of giving up their baby for adoption. Not every bparent is like Thanksgivingmom.

I was so put off that I decided to go international but now found out that my husband's 22-year-old DUI conviction will make us ineligible in most of Eastern Europe so I'm on the domestic track again.

Akmmom, I've come to the conclusion that it is very easy for me to look at the situation cynically but if I want to adopt I need to look at the positive and just get through it. In the end, I have to think about the children in need of a good home.

I have a friend (couple) who 10 years ago wanted to adopt and were so discouraged by the costs they never adopted. I know they are happy but I also know that I really want to be a mom and I'm not going to let myself get so caught up in the details that I don't adopt.

[EmmaLeigh2882]

I guess if it were me, I would ask for a detailed receipt of where the funds went to. All I want is honest accountability. If I have to pay good hard earned money to help someone out- especially if I will hopefully be adopting their child I am more then ok with going over and above- as long as at the end of the day there is a way to show me what and how the money was spent on/for. To me personally, $10k is a lot of money for less then 4-5 months of pregnancy- but not too much for 9 months.
I guess the final number would also depend on the length of time I was in the "running" as the adoptive parent. If I was chosen from day one ( or close to it) then I wouldn't think that it sooo extreme- for where I live... now if I lived in Beverly Hills CA- That would be 3 months living expenses not 9 months...

[PasoJen]

I agree except I spoke with one reference who said that when it got "down to the wire" the agency asked her to pay for the bfamily to go to Disneyland. After so much time and money was spent by aparents they went ahead and did it even though they were not comfortable with it.

No, I'm not going with that agency!

[klmmom]

I think that's what I'm talking about. I would love to pay for co-pays and stuff and I guess I could help out with other odds and ends. I get concerned about paying so that mom and boyfriend can go out to Olive Garden for dinner when I don't even get to go out to a nice restaurant. I hope that the agency we decide on (we're still having trouble deciding!!!) will require accurate receipt type expenses and not allow money for extra "niceties". I think the trip to Disney probably would have put me over the edge. I know how hard we've had to work to pay for our upcoming family trip to Disney and I wouldn't want something like that to be a stipulation for a bmother choosing us. I think most of my fears will be aleviated once we pick the agency we want and get questions answered. I think I'm thinking about it too much and way overanalyzing the worst case scenario.