[EmmaLeigh2882]

It all comes down to accountablility... who can you trust.
I wouldn't be below asking the agency for a list of approved expenses and how it would be paid ( Eg let the agency pay first and provide you with a detailed bill to be verified and reimbursed by you - I don't not know if agencies do this or not) but this is the way I run my businesses and family. I find that when people ( or businesses ) are laying out their own money first, they are less likely to allow for items they may not be reimbursed for later.
I would also ask that my monetary payments be to the need, not to the person ( Eg pay the rent bill directly to the land lord, buy gift cards to walmart, pay the gas bill directly...etc)

But that is just me.

[cdw002096]

Are there any agencies in your area that base the post placement fees on your income? The agency we are considering charges 20% of the average of your last 3 years Adjusted Gross Income with a min. of $10k and a max of $20k.

[PasoJen]

I agree with Emmaleigh, it comes down to asking the right questions ahead of time. If you talk with enough agencies and their references you will find the right place for you.

[susanandgrace]

I do know what you mean. Sometimes the expensive is astranomical. Adoption is expensive in itself, and then to add that on top of it, it could be $40K +

I do understand paying room & board (if they need it), food, medical, etc.

But when they say $900 for food and housing, I think that is quite high!

[ContactChar]

In my experience, there are not a huge amount of situations out there requiring extravagant expenses for the expectant mom. If your agency is leading you to believe there are, you might consider another agency. I have been searching now for just over a year (started looking even before HS was complete), both independently and through an agency. I counted the other day. . . I have spoken with over 20 expectant moms in that time, several of which seemed promising. . . and only one asked for expenses. Her expenses would have added up to about $900 total (granted, I met her at the end of her pregnancy, but the $900 figure included post-partum support).

I was very worried about expenses at the beginning of the process, but my experience has taught me that it's not likely something I need to focus on. And, as other posters have said, if expenses are more than you can handle. . . walk away.

Char

[chemist]

Our agency has us specificy ahead of time what "level of expense" we are comfortable with. Low is considered 0 to $5,000, and most situations are low expense. We will not be presented to any potential birthmothers who think they will need more support than that.

Typically higher expenses occur when the potential birthmother is having health issues that keep her from working. Mandated bedrest is one example.

[Leafy]

Sorry to have sounded so harsh klmmom. Certainly there are some scammers out there and birthmothers looking for a way to pay for luxuries, and you're right to worry. But I just adopted a wonderful baby girl, and of all the $30,000 worth of checks we wrote the easiest one by far was the $1,000 for the birthmother to get a new apartment and yes, buy XMas gifts for the children she's raising (otherwise, they wouldn't have had anything). She's a courageous and even dare I say heroic person who has given us incredible joy at a great personal cost. I only wish we could have supported her more--not saying we want to buy a baby of course. But when you look at the budget for your adoption, you should raise your eyebrows at things like agency fees and advertising before you worry so much about the birthmother's expenses--though the concern is still legitimate.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by Leafy

Sorry to have sounded so harsh klmmom. Certainly there are some scammers out there and birthmothers looking for a way to pay for luxuries, and you're right to worry. But I just adopted a wonderful baby girl, and of all the $30,000 worth of checks we wrote the easiest one by far was the $1,000 for the birthmother to get a new apartment and yes, buy XMas gifts for the children she's raising (otherwise, they wouldn't have had anything). She's a courageous and even dare I say heroic person who has given us incredible joy at a great personal cost. I only wish we could have supported her more--not saying we want to buy a baby of course. But when you look at the budget for your adoption, you should raise your eyebrows at things like agency fees and advertising before you worry so much about the birthmother's expenses--though the concern is still legitimate.

1000 for xmas gifts?? Isn't that illegal? Unless you have already finalized, and even then a tad unethical IMO, this is highly illegal. Birthmother expenses are expenses related to the pregnancy. I for one, do NOT condone expenses like this to EVER be paid, because I think it sets a precedent for other aparents to be expected to pay these as well, not to mention that it is illegal.

And no, I do not feel bad questioning birthmother expenses, just as I do agency fees. I do feel like some are legit, but anything above 10,000 is just outrageous to me (of course that is without medical expenses, no insurance and I do understand).

I don't mean to sound as harsh as I do, I just have a VERY hard time with people make paying extra stuff for a birthmother that are NOT expenses, like a "worthy cause" when it is HIGHLY illegal. I think some people make 10,000$ worth of expenses the "norm" for an expectant mother that has medicaid, when this should be the HIGH range. I mean, I feel bad that her other kids would not have christmas, but set them up with a charity that does things for families that are in this position, but how is that a responsibility of an paparent or even thier place?

Again, I'm so sorry to sound harsh....

[EmmaLeigh2882]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

1000 for xmas gifts?? Isn't that illegal? And no, I do not feel bad questioning birthmother expenses, just as I do agency fees. I do feel like some are legit, but anything above 10,000 is just outrageous to me (of course that is without medical expenses, no insurance and I do understand).

I mean, I feel bad that her other kids would not have Christmas, but set them up with a charity that does things for families that are in this position, but how is that a responsibility of an aparent or even their place?

Again, I'm so sorry to sound harsh....

I have to agree with Runyon- the $1000 for Christmas... I could give 25 people a GREAT Christmas for that much money- I hope she doesn't have that many children she is currently parenting.

I grew up without Christmas, we all knew why and completely understood that the money just was not there for extras like Christmas... but thats ok... we enjoyed doing lots of little secret things for each other around Christmas and made it a secret FREE Santa Christmas each year- because each year that was all we could afford.

To me giving children who wouldn't otherwise get a $1000 Christmas one year will leave them with a HUGE let down come next Christmas (if their mommy doesn't change her financial position or have any other children to adopt out to generous AParents).

Going without Christmas might just well be their norm. It wont kill them, it might hurt a little. But a loving mom can make it seem like the best thing in the world- having a deep love for each other, every day of the year.

Although every Bmoms gives a extremely valuable gift, not ever aparent can afford $30K for this gift- not to mention raising this gift and the costs associated with that!
I think that by spending so much money on Bmoms little extras it will make her feel like her baby was sold, and make other's feel like you bought her baby...

JMHO.

[sanielsen]

I don't think the $1,000 was just for Christmas gifts, I think it was to get a new apartment and included a little extra for Christmas Gifts - at least that's how I read it.

[Leafy]

Obviously it was not all for XMas gifts as my message tried to explain. It was for her rent and deposit as I said above, with probably about $50 that went to gifts for the children she's parenting, since she was 9 months pregnant, broke, and homeless (because her mother kicked her out because she was pursuing an adoption plan). I'm just shocked at the disdain and cheapness inherent in these responses. If you can't have compassion and respect for the sacrifice these women make, and you can't begin to care about what it's like to be poor and pregnant, you shouldn't be pursuing adoption at all.

[PasoJen]

Good point Leafy.

[survivor]

Originally Posted by AwaitingBeloved

Yeah, I don't know either. You should have the option to tell your agency or worker that you are unwilling to cover living expenses (if this is your choice). I agree, in some cases, it makes no sense.

The first woman we were matched with the agency upset me a little bit. We were matched very early in her pg, and our agency had a policy of carrying out living expenses through the month following birth.

This woman was pg with her 5th child. She was living with her aunt. She was unemployed, and I'm not sure she ever had a job. She lived in a very poor part of the country, and she collected $400/month in welfare for her four kids. So.. here's a woman who is not paying rent, collects welfare, does not work (potentially never had) and she was approved for $900/month for TEN months! This is when we walked away.

It really bothered me because I felt like I'm busting my hump to make ends meet and I'm working and I'm paying my bills and I'm doing everything "right" and here is a person who seemingly (to me anyway) was sucking the life out of the gov't and anywhere else she could... I did find out she was on a waiting list for gastric bypass surgery and her health insurance did not cover it. I often wondered if this was her incentive for the adoption plan, and if she would have even placed, or if she was a scam and just looking for the money. I'll never know. And I really don't care.

There are plenty of people out there who are expecting and doing everything they can to get by, and sometimes they get laid off or they have to take an unpaid leave or some other unforeseen event. These expectant parents I completely feel for and would bend over backwards to help them out if I was able to.

We were fortunate and matched with a couple who did not want/need living expenses. As a matter of fact, financially, they were better off than us. And they felt it would be wrong to take the money away from their child, our daughter. However, I'll tell you, if there was any way we could have given them assistance, we would have. It felt awful having this luxury of parenting because they chose us and there was nothing we could do in return. I'm not talking $10000 worth of help, but it would've been nice if we could've done *some*thing.

Do what feels right to you. You'll have no regrets if you follow your heart.

You are reading my mind as I lay here bawling trying to figure out if there is an end to all this

[geemcb]

We just lost nealy $6,000 in birthmother expenses (approved by the court) over the course of 3 months when the birthmother changed her mind one hour prior to the scheduled placement. Now our adoption budget is severely compromised and we will never see that money again.

Proceed with caution regarding birthmother expenses.

Cheers-
Georgia