[PasoJen]

I am looking at so many agencies and today it dawned on me that there are "little differences" between not-for-profit agencies and a for-profit agencies. The for-profit agencies are much easier to get on the phone, seem better staffed and have nice easy to read materials. They have a lower adoptive parent to birth mother ratio. However, if I go with a for-profit agency I am pretty sure I will be spending more money on expenses for the birth mothers because their website advertise free housing to birth mothers. I'm getting a slightly sleezy feeling that I would be essentially buying a baby through the for profit agencies by paying for birthmother expenses which she would have to pay anyway even if she were not pregnant. I don't mean to be rude in bringing this up but it is something that is concerning me today.

[Linny]

This is something that's been discussed here, and on another board I belong to. In my opinion, too often, the adoptive couples very much seem to be buying a baby.
I know that infuriates some.......but I don't mean to imply the adoptive couples went out with money in hand to shop around...not at all.

Still, we just had a conversation with our caseworker about this. (And I've certainly talked to other caseworkers and attorneys.)
The sad thing is, many, many states allow for expenses that have NOTHING to do with the expenses of the baby. (As you stated, the same expenses that would have been there had the person not become pregnant too.)
Many adoptive couples can feel good about supporting a pregnant woman if she's unable to work, if she's lost her job due to additional health problems due to pgncy; paying some or all of the hospital bills for the baby, etc.
But, when there are requests for VISA bills to be paid, cable TV to be added to a home, to move into a 'better and bigger apt', or to feed/support existing children the birthmother may have---simply because this is what she's requesting....brings other thoughts about adopting altogether.

One caseworker has told us of a situation where a pbmother called her to inquire about placing her baby for adoption....but asked, "How much can I get for this?" When the pbmother was told that this particular state has a cap on expenses, and only certain items can be approved, the pbmother exclaimed, "Then I'll go back to XXX agency where I know they can get more $$ for me!!!!"
And she did.


Then, when you realize that FAR too many agencies ask for big money up front--that the adoptive couple essentially loses. It's lost in many cases, because the situation falls through, and the money is left to 'roll over'!!!! This 'roll-over' is simply a nice way of saying 'we're going to use your money as ours, until the time (if ever) you are chosen by a pbmother'.
The sad fact of this route---for many---is that when this kind of agency does this, the adoptive couple has invested such a large amount--that when another agency or attorney calls with a 'sure situation'......they don't have the money to use for it!!!! (I've seen and heard of it happening more than once.)
As our adoption attorney has told me, "The agency SELDOM choses the adoptive couple. The pbmother chooses the couple. The agency can have no control over this!' (Unless the agency operates on a list and they always choose.)
So, you may be waiting a lot longer, because you're stuck with that particular agency by putting a large amount of money into them, that cannot be used anywhere else.
Of course, if you have a ton of money to lose, then this would not be a problem; but if you don't, search for those agencies that will refund all or a part of the money if the situation falls through...OR does not ask for any placement money UNTIL the baby is fully free and clear for adoption.

We never felt like we were buying a baby.....but I've known of and heard of enough situations where this is truly a fine and sad line, indeed!!!!!

Sincerely,

Linny

[PasoJen]

Thanks Linny. I thought about this a lot the past few hours and I realize I need to just take charge of the situation as much as I can - let the agency know what types of things I'm willing to pay for and which I'm not and hopefully when I meet my future birth mother I can get a good feel for her motivations. I just got a little "freaked out" for a moment earlier.

[bajj]

The non-profit agency I use is great. They have a low pbparent ratio. I did not pay any expectant parent expenses with either adoption. The agency did help house and feed my oldest child's bmom and her 3 boys, but not one penny of it came from me. So, there are good ones out there, you just have to dig deep to find them!

[Linny]

I just got a little "freaked out" for a moment earlier.--PasoJen

And why shouldn't you feel a 'little freaked out'?!?!?!? The fees and expenses that are being charged anymore are climbing at an unbelieveable pace; some agencies seem to be hiding behind the 'tax credit', and even other agencies tell prospective adoptive couples that 'I know those fees seem high, but you'll get most of that back when you file your taxes!'
Most of us find that this is not true. In fact, I once spoke to a caseworker at an agency to say, "But that's not a reimbursement, it's a tax credit, and only if you qualify."
She actually said to me, "Really???!?! That's not the way it was presented to US!"

Proving once again, that some agencies feel they are justified to raise their rates, because of the tax credit.
Personally, I prefer to deal with agencies and attorneys who charge a flat fee for placement. Oftentimes, this is lower than the adoption would cost if you were to piece it all out. And, I think it somewhat discourages any women who may be using agencies in order to get more money for themselves.

The main thing is----RESEARCH! Realize that generally, the agency who tells you they can find a baby faster, is also the agency who is charging bigger money, but in fact, remember that in most cases, the birthmother is the person choosing the parents! That agency has little control over who chooses whom...unless money speaks loudly to those who listen.
But, I'm not sure I'd want to do an adoption if money was the important factor. Sadly, this is sometimes the case.....

Sincerely,

Linny

[HBV]

I'm going to chime in w/ bajj. We used a non-profit agency, had a short wait and a very competent, compassionate caseworker. I don't think for profit agencies are better as a rule.

And as Linny points out, the tax credit is not a sure thing----we won't get one. Also, check your state statute or talk w/ your attorney to see if bparent expenses are capped in your state. Agencies and lawyers doing private adoptions get into trouble for coloring outside the lines on birthmother expenses here. And your feeling about "buying" is right on---the charge in those situations? Child Trafficking.

[loveajax]

PasoJen, I hear you...

I never want to be in a situation where I am paying directly for birth mom's expenses, I don't think. I did however want our agency (nonprofit) to help out with certain (legitimate) expenses based on the flat fee we were paying (e.g., counseling, rent, etc.). (of course, DD's birth mom at first refused expenses!).

I have had some friends really get "burned" by the whole expense thing (and it does call into questions sometimes the validity of the adoption).

Good luck to you finding the right agency, etc.!