[monica120]

I want to throw that question out to everyone and ask everyone their own opinion. I am doing research on adoption for a school paper and I would like to hear and have as much feedback as possible from those who have gone through the adoption process.

[sak9645]

I'm not 100% comfortable with your assumption that adoption is difficult. It can be time-consuming. And there can be glitches. But most people who sincerely want to adopt can do so.

One reason that the process seems a bit complicated is that everything possible must be done to protect the child. No one wants to see a child go to a person who will enslave him/her or make him/her a prostitute. No one wants to see a child go to a person who will abuse him/her physically, sexually, or emotionally. No one wants to see a child go to a person who is mentally ill or alcoholic or drug abusing, and who will be a terrible parent as a result. No one wants to see a child go to a person who will simply abandon him/her or relinquish him/her when the going gets rough. And no one wants to see a child go to a person who is so financially unstable that the child will wind up on public assistance or living in a homeless shelter.

As a result, it is necessary for a person to have a homestudy to adopt, whether domestically or internationally. The homestudy, whose content is mandated by the person's state of residence, is designed both to ensure that he/she does not have any "red flags" that suggest an inability to be a good parent, and to help prepare the person for the challenges of parenting an adopted child. If the person is adopting internationally, the USCIS will also have to approve the family.

The homestudy can take up to a few months. A licensed professional will have to review various documents about the person, do a reference check, have some counseling sessions with the person, inspect the person's home, and so on. In some cases, the family will need to take preadoption classes.

If you were a child without parents, wouldn't you want to be sure that the home into which you were being sent was safe and welcoming, and that the people who would become your Mom and Dad would be able to cope with you and any difficulties you might have as a result of your early experiences?

Adoption also has to protect the birth family and the adoptive family. States and countries have laws to prevent people from kidnapping children from birthmothers. When Americans adopt from Guatemala, for example, the birthmother and the child must undergo DNA testing, to be sure that the person relinquishing the child is actually the mother, and not someone who has stolen the child and is trying to sell him/her.

States and countries also have laws to prevent baby buying, to protect birthmothers who may feel compelled to relinquish a child, simply to get money with which to feed her other children. No woman should ever have to sell her child; there are other, better ways to obtain money, especially in the U.S., where there is a social safety net.

And states and countries also have laws to guarantee that a woman isn't held to a decision that she might make during pregnancy. Many women think, while pregnant, that they would like to place their baby for adoption, because raising the child will be difficult. But then, once they give birth and see their beautiful child, they may realize that they are willing to deal with the difficulties and really want to keep their child. No woman should ever be compelled to give up a child, just because she thought about making an adoption plan before the child was born. The woman should have time to think about the decision, once the baby is born and she is free from any medications she took to reduce pain during delivery. Yes, this means that some families will think they are going to adopt a particular woman's child, only to learn that she wants to change her mind. And, yes, this is painful. But it is necessary to protect the birthmother and her child.

And, of course, since it takes two people to create a baby, some states and countries also try to protect the rights of the birthfather. The birthfather may want the right to adopt a child that he has created. Or his relatives may want to be involved in the child's care. Making sure that the birthfather is aware of the pregnancy, and that his paternity is certain, can be an important component of an adoption.

People trying to adopt have often been through Hell, trying to have a biological child. They may have endured miscarriages and stillbirths. They may have tried expensive fertility treatments, without success. Some of these treatments may have involved hormones that put them on an emotional rollercoaster. Some may have strained their marriages by requiring them to time their intimate relations to optimize the chance of conception. And they may have faced lots of intrusive questions by friends and relatives, who want to know, "Aren't you planning to have kids soon?"

In such a state, prospective parents often put their good judgment aside when they hear about an opportunity to adopt. And, alas, there are people who prey upon folks who are in such a situation. They may claim to be pregnant when they aren't, and try to get the prospective parents to pay for their apartment or whatever. There are people who will request many thousands of dollars to find a healthy infant for them, and who either find no child at all, or find a child who has extremely severe special needs, or find a child who doesn't meet U.S. immigration requirements.

As a result, states and countries try to protect adoptive families by making rules about the expenses that may be paid for a birthmother's care, by requiring use of licensed agencies, etc.

All of these protections for children, birthparents, and adoptive families add time to the adoption process. They may also raise costs, though they may also help to keep costs down in some cases.

Yes, some of the regulations in the adoption field can get a bit convoluted. But, all in all, I'd rather see a little delay, than to see a situation where a child is exposed to risk, a woman loses the right to parent her child through no fault of her own, or prospective parents are bilked of thousands of dollars.

Sharon

[SabrinaRocks]

Originally Posted by sak9645

I'm not 100% comfortable with your assumption that adoption is difficult. It can be time-consuming. And there can be glitches. But most people who sincerely want to adopt can do so.

One reason that the process seems a bit complicated is that everything possible must be done to protect the child. No one wants to see a child go to a person who will enslave him/her or make him/her a prostitute. No one wants to see a child go to a person who will abuse him/her physically, sexually, or emotionally. No one wants to see a child go to a person who is mentally ill or alcoholic or drug abusing, and who will be a terrible parent as a result. No one wants to see a child go to a person who will simply abandon him/her or relinquish him/her when the going gets rough. And no one wants to see a child go to a person who is so financially unstable that the child will wind up on public assistance or living in a homeless shelter.

As a result, it is necessary for a person to have a homestudy to adopt, whether domestically or internationally. The homestudy, whose content is mandated by the person's state of residence, is designed both to ensure that he/she does not have any "red flags" that suggest an inability to be a good parent, and to help prepare the person for the challenges of parenting an adopted child. If the person is adopting internationally, the USCIS will also have to approve the family.

The homestudy can take up to a few months. A licensed professional will have to review various documents about the person, do a reference check, have some counseling sessions with the person, inspect the person's home, and so on. In some cases, the family will need to take preadoption classes.

If you were a child without parents, wouldn't you want to be sure that the home into which you were being sent was safe and welcoming, and that the people who would become your Mom and Dad would be able to cope with you and any difficulties you might have as a result of your early experiences?

Adoption also has to protect the birth family and the adoptive family. States and countries have laws to prevent people from kidnapping children from birthmothers. When Americans adopt from Guatemala, for example, the birthmother and the child must undergo DNA testing, to be sure that the person relinquishing the child is actually the mother, and not someone who has stolen the child and is trying to sell him/her.

States and countries also have laws to prevent baby buying, to protect birthmothers who may feel compelled to relinquish a child, simply to get money with which to feed her other children. No woman should ever have to sell her child; there are other, better ways to obtain money, especially in the U.S., where there is a social safety net.

And states and countries also have laws to guarantee that a woman isn't held to a decision that she might make during pregnancy. Many women think, while pregnant, that they would like to place their baby for adoption, because raising the child will be difficult. But then, once they give birth and see their beautiful child, they may realize that they are willing to deal with the difficulties and really want to keep their child. No woman should ever be compelled to give up a child, just because she thought about making an adoption plan before the child was born. The woman should have time to think about the decision, once the baby is born and she is free from any medications she took to reduce pain during delivery. Yes, this means that some families will think they are going to adopt a particular woman's child, only to learn that she wants to change her mind. And, yes, this is painful. But it is necessary to protect the birthmother and her child.

And, of course, since it takes two people to create a baby, some states and countries also try to protect the rights of the birthfather. The birthfather may want the right to adopt a child that he has created. Or his relatives may want to be involved in the child's care. Making sure that the birthfather is aware of the pregnancy, and that his paternity is certain, can be an important component of an adoption.

People trying to adopt have often been through Hell, trying to have a biological child. They may have endured miscarriages and stillbirths. They may have tried expensive fertility treatments, without success. Some of these treatments may have involved hormones that put them on an emotional rollercoaster. Some may have strained their marriages by requiring them to time their intimate relations to optimize the chance of conception. And they may have faced lots of intrusive questions by friends and relatives, who want to know, "Aren't you planning to have kids soon?"

In such a state, prospective parents often put their good judgment aside when they hear about an opportunity to adopt. And, alas, there are people who prey upon folks who are in such a situation. They may claim to be pregnant when they aren't, and try to get the prospective parents to pay for their apartment or whatever. There are people who will request many thousands of dollars to find a healthy infant for them, and who either find no child at all, or find a child who has extremely severe special needs, or find a child who doesn't meet U.S. immigration requirements.

As a result, states and countries try to protect adoptive families by making rules about the expenses that may be paid for a birthmother's care, by requiring use of licensed agencies, etc.

All of these protections for children, birthparents, and adoptive families add time to the adoption process. They may also raise costs, though they may also help to keep costs down in some cases.

Yes, some of the regulations in the adoption field can get a bit convoluted. But, all in all, I'd rather see a little delay, than to see a situation where a child is exposed to risk, a woman loses the right to parent her child through no fault of her own, or prospective parents are bilked of thousands of dollars.

Sharon

Hi, my partner and I are thinking of adopting in a few years, we're not married but we defiently want to within a year. Our state laws require a couple to be married to adopt, i'd love to adopt from anywhere and i'd love to adopt, if possible, a baby thats younger than 4 months, do you know if its possible? because most stories i have read they didnt get their baby til after it was 5 months old. And is there anything we need to do know to prepare ourselves for the whole process of adopting? Apart from saving!! Thanks!!

[joskids]

I agree that adoption isn't necessarily always difficult, depending on what kind of adoption you are looking to do. We have adopted 4 times and it's been easier, I think, in that we are an interracial couple so we are open to race. I do think it's difficult to adopt children that are already in "the system" in foster care, etc. and I think it's, in part, because caseworkers are either overdone with loads of work and don't have time to get back to folks or pay enough attention to those that are looking to adopt those children, or because there are some caseworkers who never call back and make it a priority. So, for those looking to adopt older children from the system, it can be extremely trying and you must have a lot of time to be on the phone and a LOT OF PATIENCE. But it certainly can be done. The system certainly challenges us on how strong and resourceful we are. I do believe that it can be unfair to those that don't have the $$$$ that some adoptions need because having $$$ does not make you the best parent. Adopting from foster care can also be trying in terms of wanting to adopt an infant, having one in your home for months or even years, and then losing that child back to birthfamily. You must be prepared for that possibility and it is never easy. For us, adoption was not difficult, but certainly we needed to dig deep into ourselves and work together for what we wanted.

Josie

[StorkWatcher]

Sabrina,

There are so many possible ways to adopt and types of children. Adopting internationally usually means the child will be older (even if just a few months old).

Domestic newborn adoptions are also another type. We adopted our son in the US. He came home to us from the hospital at 2 days old.

I would definitely recommend reading about adoption and raising children while you are waiting to start the process. There are many books available on various subjects. One quick-read I would recommend is Adoption For Dummies. It answers a lot of questions quickly and easily and is a good resource if you are just getting started.

Also, once you get closer to starting the process, be sure to talk to different people about agencies/attornies they used and research them carefully before you decide which one you'll use.

And just spend some time on here! There are many people willing to share stories and advice. You'll learn a lot.

[HBV]

Like Sharon, I don't know if I'd use the word "difficult", but adoption is challenging, to our pocketbooks, our emotional well being, and our ideas. Not only are all the considerations that Sharon mentions at work, but there are inherent conflicts within the triad that have to be resolved somehow----the desire to have a child and sometimes the bitter disappointment of infertility for adoptive parents , a birthmother who would desperately like to parent but cannot find a way to make it work, relationships between the birthparents , a child that ideally should grow up in a safe, loving environment without a sense of abandonment or the breaking of a biological bond.

People can and do resolve those conflicts, and there are many success stories, just as there are many stories of disappointment and disillusionment. There are situations with no "right" answer, times when courts must make Solomon like decisions, and times when those decisions don't turn out well.

I think the answer to why it's "difficult" is that adoption is one way society regulates human relationships. Humans are far from perfect, so no system, well intentioned though it might be, can be entirely successful in that regulation. Sharon's points about the safeguards put in place to protect all sides of the triad are a perfect illustration----those safeguards force a certain amount of inconvenience and expense on adoptive parents, and intrude on the privacy of both the birthparents and the adoptive parents but in the interest of the child. Going through all of the inconvenience, expense and loss of privacy forces both birthparents and adoptive parents to think about the decision being made and for many of us, forces us to change our thinking about what "family" means. Change and self examination are hard for everyone.

[DebCsMom]

I don't think "difficult" is the right word either. I would say the "hardest" part of the process was the paperwork. Then the waiting to be matched then the wait for the birth. Once the paperwork was finished our adoptions were very fast. We were open to race & sex. I agree that it all depends on the type of adoption you are doing & if you are particular to race & the sex.

I've said more than a few times that adoption is as hard as you make it.