[creatively]

My husband and I are hoping to begin the adoption process in the very near future. We are interested in hearing about people's experiences with both domestic and international adoptions. What are the "pros" and "cons" of each?

We have heard that international adoptions are a better option for "older" parents like ourselves (I am 41 and my husband is 35) and those who prefer not to have an open adoption. Is that really the case? We have also heard that domestic adoptions are more likely to fall through. Has that been your experience?

Some more background -- We would like to adopt an infant (or a child that is less than a year old). Ethnic background or birth country is not an issue.

Any advice or information would be most appreciated!

Thanks!

[Ela]

My husband and I are 36 and 47, and we adopted domestically within 8 months; it would have been much faster, but we had a long match in which the mother decided to parent, so we missed several opportunities. Now, we are AA, and were open to full or part AA children, including boys (which we got), so we had a larger pool. But I can tell you that you and your husband are pretty young for adoptive parents; there were many at my agency who were both in their late 40s.

Yes, domestic adoptions sometimes do fall through, maybe even frequently, but to me, the failed match was something I could deal with; waiting for a foreign government to release my child so that I could bring her home from an orphanage was not. I think it's all about what you feel comfortable with.

[kidmd2b]

Hello,
I think that what it comes down to is personal preference. I think that both domestic and international adoption have the same amount of risk involved, but in different aspects. When looking internationally, each country has its own personal and financial qualifications for adoptive parents. You just have to read through to see which country programs fit your situation. You also have to look into which agencies are skilled at working in the country you pick and what age range of child they place most frequently to see how that matches with what you want.
Good luck,
Cindy

[DreamingAzure]

So much depends on your wishes and the agency you pick!

As someone else stated, you are actually in the middle age range for adoptive parents.

It really comes down to what you are comfortable with and now long you are willing to wait.

After researching domestic adoption, and talking to dozens of agencies I decided that international was a MUCH better option for me. And at this point it's hard to imagine doing anything else.

If a private situation popped up domesticly I would consider it, but I would never pursue a domestic adoption of an infant/newborn at this point.

Personally, I find that International is much more stable and predictable then most domestic adoptions... if you have done your research! There is no such thing as a "sure" thing...but I think IA is MUCH closer to that then DA is. Again that's just my personal opinion I'm sure there are a million people here that disagree with me lol

If you aren't up to an Open adoption (F2F visits on regular basis, full disclosure of personal info) there are a good number of adoptions out there where Semi-open (letters & pictures sent directly or through 2nd party) is still an option..at least according to the emails I've received. But Closed adoptions are few and far between if that is what you really want.

Best of Luck

[jaenelle]

All I can say is just do your research. Start researching agencies. Get an info packet from EVERY agency you can find, domestic and international. Read up on the different agency policies, find out as much as you can about the different country programs... and ASK QUESTIONS of the agency reps. Don't be shy!

Something that also may help you decide is what kind of child you want. If you only want a certain age, race/ethnic background, or gender, some countries or programs may be "out" because they don't offer children that fit that. If you want a newborn, the US is basically your only choice. If you're more flexible on age, that opens up many other countries.

You also need to do some research on what kind of costs are involved. There are programs out there ranging from less than $10,000 to clear up near $40,000, depending again on what agency and what country you go through.

Also -- what kind of time frame are you looking at with the various countries? I know a bunch of countries have seen major slowdowns lately, so you can't always know what you're getting into, but the agency should be able to give you a general idea.

If you want a fully open adoption, semi-open, or closed will influence your decision as to where to go, as well.

Some countries have age restrictions. You're not too old for any country that I know of, but there may be some out there. Some countries also have restrictions on medical conditions/mental health. Some countries have income requirements. Some have restrictions on the number of kids you already have. Etc. etc.

Whatever kind of situation you're in, and whatever kind of child you want, there are so many different programs that I bet there's several that would work for you. That's one of the good things about adoption being so different from place to place -- almost everyone can find a country or program that will work for them.

Good luck.

[intladoptionblog]

There is a lot of info out there on both scenarios.

I blog on both international and older parent adoptions and try to provide as much as possible on both fronts. It's not a bad place to start.

Click on the links under my sig, and join the fun!

[tobeafamily]

Originally Posted by creatively

My husband and I are hoping to begin the adoption process in the very near future. We are interested in hearing about people's experiences with both domestic and international adoptions. What are the "pros" and "cons" of each?

We have heard that international adoptions are a better option for "older" parents like ourselves (I am 41 and my husband is 35) and those who prefer not to have an open adoption. Is that really the case? We have also heard that domestic adoptions are more likely to fall through. Has that been your experience?

Some more background -- We would like to adopt an infant (or a child that is less than a year old). Ethnic background or birth country is not an issue.

Any advice or information would be most appreciated!

Thanks!

There is no one 'best' way to adopt, just a best way for you. Understand there is no risk-free way to be a parent either. You've got to balance risks vs. desires, and not everyone has the same risk-tolerances.

For instance, in international adoption, common risks include:

Risks around buraucracy - two governments, international issues, often multiple languages.
Risks around travel - planned.
Risks around finances/fees/expenses/costs
Risks around unknown/poor prenatal care and nutrition
Risks around poor infant nutrition and care
Risks around unknown biological (genetic) family history
Risks around exposure to abuse, neglect, institutionalization, known or unknown at time of placement

CHILD magazine last year (June/July '05) ran a great article on medical issues written by a pediatrician. Your library probably has a copy on file.

Most international adoptions are 'closed', and most involve children under 3. Newborns are generally not possible, though infants under 6 months are possible in some programs.

In domestic parental placement:

Risks around expectant parents choosing to parent/not execute their adoption plan, either before or after birth
Risks around travel - planned or unplanned.
Risks around finances/fees/expenses/costs
Risks around poor prenatal care and nutrition

Most domestic parental placement adoptions have some degree of information sharing, runs the spectrum from 1 X/year pictures & letters to full integrated contact. Almost all children are placed as newborns.

In domestic waiting child/foster care:

Risks around buraucracy
Risks around unknown/poor prenatal care and nutrition
Risks around poor infant nutrition and care
Risks around exposure to abuse, neglect, institutionalization, known or unknown at time of placement

Waiting child adoptions are almost always closed by law - biological parents' rights have been involuntarily terminated - though there are some cases where afamilies keep contact with bfamily members independently. Newborns are rare, as are infants under 6 months. More common are toddlers, preschoolers and older children.

As far as age...well, DH was 46 and I was 35. This was not a barrier in our domestic parental placement adoption (Though he's 2 years older than bgranddad )

Go to the library. Read all you can on every type of adoption. Then work to really balance what risks you're comfortable with vs. how you envision starting parenthood. For some, the risk of expectant parents changing their minds far outweighs benefits of parenting from birth. For others the thought of international travel is more overwhelming than parents changing their minds. It's all about what's best for you.

Good luck.

Regina

[loveajax]

I just wanted to say GOOD LUCK!! I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, just more what you are comfortable with after researching all of your options.

I DESPERATELY wanted to have a newborn, and my DH is an adoptee (domestically) so that led us pretty quickly to choosing domestic adoption and, of course, we are ecstatic with our DD. I have friends who have adopted internationally and are thrilled too.

[kelceesmom]

Hi,
You will definately have lots of pros and cons on both sides. We went domestically for several reasons. One of which we were not able to do travel trips pryor to adopting because of work. Another being we wanted and infant and most countries do not finish what they need to do to adopt their babies it seems until they are older. Our wait time from chosing our facilitator and signing and being chosen and our baby being born was only about 7 months. Our daughter is hispanic/cc and we are cc. We didn't care what nationality or gender which makes your wait time generally less. Yes there are some failed matches but from what I read on these boards it does happen internationally too but more so from things like DNA not matching or not being able to locate a bmom later in the process for one reason or another. There are ups and downs during either process it just depends on you as to what your limitations are. Good luck in your journey.

As for age. My husband was 39 when we started this process and I was 38. My daughter was born shy of my 39th b-day. So, you are still young and agencies have different requirements and just look for the one that best suits you.

[Mama_Bear]

Hi! I'm new to this board and can't wait to get answers to my questions. I'll search through here before I ask any cuz I don't wanna ask something that's already been answered, but I just wanted to let myself be known. My husband and I have one daughter and are looking to adopt baby number two.

[creatively]

Originally Posted by Ela

My husband and I are 36 and 47, and we adopted domestically within 8 months; it would have been much faster, but we had a long match in which the mother decided to parent, so we missed several opportunities. Now, we are AA, and were open to full or part AA children, including boys (which we got), so we had a larger pool. But I can tell you that you and your husband are pretty young for adoptive parents; there were many at my agency who were both in their late 40s.

Yes, domestic adoptions sometimes do fall through, maybe even frequently, but to me, the failed match was something I could deal with; waiting for a foreign government to release my child so that I could bring her home from an orphanage was not. I think it's all about what you feel comfortable with.

Thanks for your post, Ela. I've been surprised to hear how quickly you and others have been able to adopt domestically. We have heard we should expect to wait at least 18 months, if not longer, to complete the entire process (including the home study). The idea of possibly having a little one in under a year is wonderful!

If you don't mind my asking, did you do a closed or open adoption? We are very concerned that if we adopt domestically, we will have a hard time finding an agency that will do a closed adoption.

Thanks!

[creatively]

Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to respond to my post last weekend. I really appreciate the support and information. It was also good to hear that my husband and I are "not that old" for prospective adoptive parents. I had been concerned that my age in particular (41) might be an issue, but the consensus seems to be that we are in the "middle range."

You've given us some things to think about and also raised a couple new questions (which I will post in new threads).

Thanks so much!

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by creatively

Thanks for your post, Ela. I've been surprised to hear how quickly you and others have been able to adopt domestically. We have heard we should expect to wait at least 18 months, if not longer, to complete the entire process (including the home study). The idea of possibly having a little one in under a year is wonderful!

If you don't mind my asking, did you do a closed or open adoption? We are very concerned that if we adopt domestically, we will have a hard time finding an agency that will do a closed adoption.

Thanks!

You're not going to have much luck finding an agency that will do completely closed adoptions. Most of them encourage a lot of contact with birthfamily members. About the least contact you're going to find is sending the birthfamily pictures and letters a couple times a year.

[Ela]

My agency will do closed adoptions, but it's the rare birthmom who wants a completely closed adoption, and it is ultimately her choice. My friends were actually chosen by a birthmom who didn't want any contact with them (she didn't even see the baby), but there was alcohol use, so they didn't choose to parent that child.

We have a very loose semi-open adoption; my son's bmom and I communicate through email, and we met her at the hospital. The email contact was a choice we made after meeting her; in our initial profile, we said that we wanted no contact not mediated by the agency.

[dbirnbaum]

i to am an'older' woman wanting to adopt possibly domsticaly (45). Can anyone recommend a good domestic adoption agency? thanks debbie