[AdoptInMe]

I am new to this site and to adoption. We just got our toll free number, ordered business cards and are meeting with a lawyer on Thursday. We plan on searching on our own for a birthmother, and just using our lawyer to get us through it.

My mom told me this morning about 2 different women who were doing independent adoption, and both of them got scammed and lost a ton of money, ending up with no baby. Apparently, one of them even went to all the doctor's appointments with the birthmom. They said that there are women out there who just promise the baby to many different women, get a lot of money, then either only give the baby to one family or keep the baby. How can I tell if the birthmother is legit? Are there any precautions we need to consider? Do you give the Birthmom money up front? For what? TIA!

[mommmmy]

you might want to join the yahoo group adoptionscams there is LOTS of good info on there! Plus often times people will share the names and stories of women who are out there scamming approaching paps.

You really need to do whatever you can to educate yourself.

NO you do not EVER give a woman money or gifts directly PERIOD. Some people are ok with paying for women's expenses and other's are not....but it should ALWAYS be done through the attorney or agency.

Make sure you are using an ADOPTION attny. I know that any attny can do adoptions but it's really important to work with attnys that specialize in adoption for many many reasons. Also....depending on the way you are going about things - you may not want to hire a specific attny up front until after you have found a potential match.

I'm assuming you already have your homestudy completed and all that. I don't know if you are interested or not...there are some places online to post your profile. We had great success with Parent Profiles. I know that they have some wacky rules though so it's not somthing for everyone. There are other web sites out there too.

The bottom line is that if someone approaches you then you will need to get all their information and have it verified. These are things the attny should help you with. But yes it's also true that there are pregnant women who are out there trying to scam families too and have no intention of an adoption plan whatsoever. There are also women out there who will lie and say they are pregnant and they are not. There are plenty of "emotional scammers" out there as well - those who will never ask or receive any money but still can take people on quite a ride.

But also remember...women DO have the right to choose AFTER the baby is born. So they may very well fully intend to place the child for adoption and then choose not to after the birth.

It's up to you as to how you set up the parameters for any "match" you would agree to.

Also ...check your state laws (as well as the laws in the woman's state if she's in a different state) Different states have different laws as far as what is acceptable in expenses and what is not...as well as many other things.

BTW - you will get corrected on this very quickly on adoption sites so I thought I might let you know...a woman who is pregnant and making an adoption plan is NOT a birthmom. Birthmoms are women who have signed relinquishments and placed their babies I know that often times attnys and agencys will refer to pregnant women as birthmoms...some find this highly offensive though.

[AdoptInMe]

Thanks for the reply. No, we don't have a homestudy done yet. I just got the paperwork today. We are meeting with a lawyer on Thursday, and she is an adoption attorney. She has adopted herself, spent a long time as a social worker, and has been practicing adoption law for something like 20 years. So, I think she's a good one. I'm sure she will have some good advice for us too, but I wanted to get some other people's advice.
We are planning on posting on ParentProfiles.com, but we need to get the homestudy done first, among other things. But we have most of the site done already.

What do you think of facilitators, like Lifetime Adoptions? Are they worth joining?

Thanks again for all the info.

[mommmmy]

um well I have my own thoughts about that particular one that you mentioned.

I would REALLY suggest getting on the Yahoo email list that I mentioned...on there you can ask about individuals, attnys, agencies, facilitators...etc Plus you can check the archived messages to see what people have posted about them. Oh and it's open disscusion - it's just people talking...no one freaked out about being sued for saying something. I've heard that there are quite a few that wished they had joined that list BEFORE giving money to ANY attny/agency/facilitator.