[adamjai]

Hello all! I'm new here. My husband and I have been married for seven years and have decided we'd like to adopt at least one child, or maybe a sibling pair. We're going to go through the state and are looking for an older child/children.

While discussing adoption this weekend, my husband told me that while he wants a child to raise he's concerned that he won't bond with the child since it wouldn't be our birth child. I used our niece as an example and told him that I didn't have her but that he couldn't love her any less, and that seemed to help, but I was hoping someone out there who's adopted an older child could give me something more to tell him. I want to address this before we go any further.

Also, could someone give me a better idea of what to expect from this process? I know we have to fill out paperwork and have a homestudy done, is that really all we have to do before we can start meeting children?

Any advice is much appreciated!! Thanks!

[ourdreamcametru]

I can't offer any advice as to adopting through the state, ours was a private domestic adoption but I can assure you that there is no difference in how you feel about the child who is adopted and the ones you have had biologically. We have two bio sons and a two year old daughter who is adopted and we were as much in love with her the moment we found out about her as we were when we found out we were expecting our boys. I know some people have problems or take some time to adjust to an adopted child but I think that is rare. Good luck and may you have a speedy process.

[Yash]

I would suggest you go check out the foster and fost/adopt boards on this site and post your question there. I've gained a wealth of information from there.

Best of luck,

Yash

[Soontobemom]

Originally Posted by adamjai

Also, could someone give me a better idea of what to expect from this process? I know we have to fill out paperwork and have a homestudy done, is that really all we have to do before we can start meeting children?
!

Hi there, My husband and I are on the same route as you. We have finished our homestudy and we are waiting to be approved. We have been doing this for 6 months, so be prepared for a wait. While I think it will be worth it in the end, it is emotionally brutal. DFACS made us set up a bedroom with everything, and we haven't been approved yet. I am going to be really upset if they don't approve us after we have put so much into it. Everytime I call, they avoid anything and everything. They never have any answers and all they ever say is "we'll let you know when we know something"

[kbs4dws]

If you are going thru a domestic adoption where the child is a ward of the state then you will need to take classes. Every state calls it something different (MAPP) but in Ohio it's around 28 hours. This is because you have to get certified to foster to adopt. If you are doing a state adoption you will have to do the classes first then have the homestudy done after your house has been ok'ed by the fire marshall and you have an evacuation plan. after that is done then you look and wait. The more proactive you are with a state adoption the better you will do. Ohio even gives you a personal "navigator" who helps you from the beginning until way after the adoption is done. Also, when you are placed with a kid then there are lots of meetings with the child and the SW then begin the visits, overnights, then placement. You are considered a foster parent for 6 months just to make sure it's a good fit. Then you can adopt the child.

Hope this isn't confusing. My hubby and I are in the beginning process. We were able to fine a 4 day intensive where we get in all our classes. They are in Sept. Until then we are getting everything together including interviewing ped. doc's, day care's, schools, everything and anything because it will probably be asked in the homestudy.
Good luck.
Oh, and about the hubby thing, even birthparents have doubts about if will they really love the child...

Have a beautiful day.
Kristin

[DCMomLady]

This is long, but I do have a point to make, I promise.

My husband and I were childfree (I hope the term doesn't offend anyone but I really don't like the word childless, either) for more than 20 years of our marriage. On my part, it was partly infertility and partly concern over passing on genetic disorders in my family. My husband just didn't want kids. He never had a desire to reproduce or pass on his wonderful genes. He was happy to be childfree.

Then our niece got pregnant and quickly married a guy who worried and frightened us. The day the baby was born, my husband turned to me on the drive home and said, "You know, I have this feeling that we're going to end up raising that little girl." I agreed, but neither of us was eager for the job.

We tried to stay close but my niece and her "family" disappeared shortly after the baby's six-month birthday. My sister, always jealous of her daughter's love for me, refused to tell me where they were. We heard the horror stories of drugs and abuse, but we couldn't do anything because we didn't know where they were.

When my niece finally called, she was in jail and the baby (now 18 months old) was in emergency foster care 1,000 miles away. She begged us to do everything we had to to get her daughter released to our care. And we did. What else could we do? She was my family (and when I saw her smile, I always saw a little bit of my own mother in her face -- a smile that I have sorely missed since mom passed away nearly 10 years ago.)

Over the years, my husband had grown to love my niece despite her failings -- and they were many. He held her baby the day she was born and he knew he could love her, too; but he didn't want to be her father!

So, we became the semi-reluctant foster parents of a toddler that we didn't know except from pictures. I'd say it took about one day (one hour?) for both of us to know that we would put aside everything else in our life to make sure that this little girl lived a safe and happy life in a loving home.

By the time our adoption was final, my husband and daughter were inseparable. Their love for each other was as plain to see as a flashing neon sign. His love for her is a wondrous thing and her's is the pure adoration of a wanted child for the daddy she knows will always be there.

If my guy can do it, I know your's can, too. Somewhere in his heart is all the love he'll ever need -- he just needs a child to make it grow.

Best wishes to your family!

[kretzklan]

I just wanted to post a little about our story - I think it's important to not go into adoption with a hallmark version of how it "should go" - because that became a main part of our issues.

We adopted older children from Russia in November 2005. I was so sure that I would fall in love immediately and when it didn't happen, it was hard. Made much harder still by the fact that no one understood. Perhaps I had a slight case of PADS - perhaps not. When you meet an older child they have a life story of their own. To say that you will fall immediately in love with them is like saying you fell in love with one look over a beer in a bar somewhere. It just isn't realistic. These children are their own people, they will not automatically do what you want them to or even understand what it means to be part of a family. That is no different no matter where the children are from.

I felt a complete sense of responsibility for the children from day one. But, that is not love. They have been home 7.5 months and to say that I'm getting there is a safe and true statement, but to say that I'm madly in love with them - well, that is not true. Their attachment is secure - mine wavers.

I wish I had really listened to the real life experience people shared with me because I spent the first three months crying everyday and thinking it would be better for them to not be with me...what a horrible parent I was for not falling madly in love with them. But, that is not the case.

I think what you and your DH need to discuss is the worst case scenario. What if he doesn't feel close to the children? What if? How will you pick up the slack and support the children, yourself and him through the rough patches? How will you, as a new family, address problems when it may still feel like you are babysitting or there are strangers living in your house?

Luckily, for me - my DH is a saint. He has totally stepped up and he can tell now when my day was just bad enough that I need to walk away. And, he lets me. I get alone time in the evening (after he's home) and that keeps me sane. I've learned to fake it until I make it with my kids. And now when I tell them "I love you" - I mean it. I do love them. It's a love that is still growing...just as it should be.