[mommy2be2006]

Hi all -- I am so glad I found this site. My DH and I are adopting locally and as her due date is drawing closer, I am getting more and more scared that she is going to change her mind. There are so many details and its such a long story... but to give the cliff notes version.... DH and I had a baby girl two years ago that died when she was 10 days old... and we haven't been able to get pregnant since. We started going through the adoption process (international) when we got connected to a local mother through a mutual acquantence... we have been meeting with her regularly and she says she wants us to adopt her baby (the father is also involved), but as her due date is drawing nearer, I am starting to get really scared. What if she changes her mind? I know there is no predicting such an outcome, but I have to imagine there are SOME warning signs that maybe we can be on the outlook for??? The thought of her changing her mind makes me fearful of experiencing the level of grief we endured when our dd died. Any thoughts/comments/advice/warning signs that people can provide me would be greatly appreciated!!!!

[ourdreamcametru]

I understand your worry! Our daughter will be two this month and when we were waiting I had the same worries. "E" did call one night out of the blue before our daughter was born and say she had decided to parent, there was not warning to this phone call. As a matter of fact we had talked about two hours before and things were fine. The next morning she called and said she was going to go through with the adoption afterall. My biggest worry was at delivery becasue I believe birthmothers have to make the decision to either parent or follow through with the adoption plan all over again once the baby is born. I really don't think there has to be warning signs, if this is your baby then things will work out. God bless and try to enjoy the anticipation of becoming a mommy!

[blessedbybug]

First off, I am truly sorry for your loss. That must be so hard, even now. It is also hard to be a part of a situation with so many unknowns. I honestly wouldn't want to list "warning signs" per se, because truly, each situation is different. And truth be told, no matter how good a "match" anyone feels is present, there are no guarantees. There is risk in adoption and there is no getting around it. No one can predict, even an expecting Mom and Dad considering adoption, how it might play out when the decision is made. I wish I could do that for you, to reassure you but there really isn't any way. I am sorry about that.

And it IS scary. SO scary. I don't want to minimize it at all. And I am very certain that with your previous loss it is bringing up all sorts of emotions. I am afraid there is nothing to do really, but hold loosely to your hopes but have them anyway, guard your heart but still open it to this expecting couple, and then, tie a knot in your rope and hang on.

It sounds like the expecting parents are trying to be honest with you about their hopes and dreams for their child. That is a good sign. And regular contact during this time is also a good sign. THe fact that both the expecting mom and dad are involved in the decision is a good sign. If their families are supportive of their decision, that could also be a good sign. But again, all of these factors may not mean anything. I wish I could offer more reassurance but there just isn't any certainty in all this... ((((Hugs))))

[mommy2be2006]

Thank you for your support. It is so nice to have a place to find other people in like situations!! I was just telling DH that there are so many people coaching the birth mother -- but there is no one to coach us (the adoptive parents). Everyone's focus seems to be on the birth mother....which is part of what is frustrating me. We just found out that the birth mother's social worker told her to wait the full 60 days before signing paper.... NICE. I was worried enough to get through the 14 days... much less another 60!!

[klsks]

Everyone has told me that you feel the one that is "right". I have felt both of the babies I didn't bring home feel right. I had no warning. The second time I was in Texas by myself. My husband was at home post surgery and couldn't come. I was in the hotel room by myself when they called to tell me she was going to parent. I have never experienced the pain you did, I have never lost a child and my heart goes out to you. I did get to take this beautiful little girl to the nursery, I got to count her toes and fingers. I looked at her ears and nose. She felt right. I had no one to help me through but God. I cried to the depth of my soul. The blessing in this case and if it happens in yours is (I pray it goes through), she will be loved and not lost. Who else than the childs mother would you want the baby to be with? I do not know the warning signs. We did not see any. I do know that both children were not mine. In my heart I have created a place for them both. I will always wonder about them and their parents but I have no doubt they are loved. It is hard not to give out your heart. Feel blessed in the fact you have a spouse that loves you dearly and has been with you through the worst of times. (Mine loves me too) He will be your strength as you "tie a knot in your rope and hang on." Good luck and my prayers are with you. Karen

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by mommy2be2006

Thank you for your support. It is so nice to have a place to find other people in like situations!! I was just telling DH that there are so many people coaching the birth mother -- but there is no one to coach us (the adoptive parents). Everyone's focus seems to be on the birth mother....which is part of what is frustrating me. We just found out that the birth mother's social worker told her to wait the full 60 days before signing paper.... NICE. I was worried enough to get through the 14 days... much less another 60!!

If you are working through an agency, they should be willing to help you through this as well. Our agency has been very helpful. They have workers for waiting families and separate ones for expecting families.

[daisy girl]

Gosh I sure wish I could give you some reassurance - then I could give my self the same. I am with you here in almost the same situation and when people tell you to protect your heart I am just not sure how to do that! I am wondering if the BF has signed off on his rights yet? That would at least give you one less thing to worry about. Maybe your lawyer could give you some support and ask her some of the hard questions which would give you a more clear picture in what outcome you could expect or at least get some idea of your odds? 60 days sounds like a real long time wait, I hope she makes her decision quickly and your wait is brief. Hang in there!

- Daisy