[MrsJeremy]

Hello,
My husband and I are considering adoption as an option to having a family. He is not willing to do IVF and is wishy-washy on adoption. I would like to gain knowledge about the good, bad and ugly of adoption. We like everyone else have heard the horror stories and are very leary about domestic adoption. I would like to adopt from the US, but I'm not sure about this "open adoption" issue. I took care of a little girl that was recently adopted from China and now I'm confused in which way to go. I could use advice on domestic vs international, how open is "open", and what it is like to go through the process.

[kelceesmom]

Good luck in your research. We had a domestic adoption. It is considered open but we left the first contact after we brought the baby home up to the bmom. It will be a year in May and we have not heard from the bparents. With open adoptions it really comes down to both sides agreeing to the bounderies. Whether it be just pictures or at least 1 visit a year if you live relatively close. This should be something you should think about ahead of time so when you are contacted you let that family know what you are willing to handle.

[AwaitingBeloved]

It is very difficult to chose which way to go.

We did IVF for three long years. Too long. About two years too long, but heck, who's counting? ;O)

We decided domestic adoption and signed on with an agency in Feb 05.. homestudy finished and us waiting as of May 05 (the end of May I think). We had a couple of failed matches, which is common..we weren't prepared for that so it was a blow to us emotionally when we were already down and out, ya know?

Well, we were matched with B&K in Dec 05 and were there for DD's birth on March 6th. So just over a year later we are finally parents.

She is squirming on my lap right now. ;-)

We have a relatively open adoption. Met bmom 3 times, bdad two times, and bfamily (extended family) once prior to the birth. Saw everyone again at birth and in the hospital the days after. I stayed in the hospital room with bmom the two nights she was there (at her request, I actually wouldn't recommend this for many reasons, but she asked and I was unable to bring myself to say no, and for us I think it was right).

She came to our hotel after they signed their relinquishment papers, they both came. They spent an hour or so alone with her, they didn't get to have that in the hospital, and I think it was an important step for them, and for us.

We have been in touch, though, not as often or as comfortably as before the birth. She came over for a visit two weeks ago this Monday and it was a wonderful visit. I haven't heard from her since, and I haven't called her. I think I'll be calling tonight or tomorrow.

I had left the first call up to her, then after that she told me she'd want me to call, too. She was afraid to be intrusive.

I've had numerous emails with bdad's mom. We get along quite well. I really like the whole family. On many levels I'm a huge fan of open adoption. I can say though in some ways I think it's made it a little difficult for me to feel able to bond with DD... out of respect to her bparents. I really respect them. They are wonderful people. And I know they would be wonderful parents. So it's hard for me to allow myself to feel able to open myself completely to this little girl. I love her dearly, more than I've ever loved in my life. But part of me holds back.. I am not sure, but I wonder about it if I didn't know them so well or if I didn't like them so much, would it be easier for me to jump in as a mom?

I think another component is just adoption in general. You spend the whole time protecting yourself in case it falls through, that when it happens, it is a difficult transition to believe the day has actually come.

I do not regret for a minute the open adoption. Or the relationship with the bparents. They have taught me so much and adoption has taught me about myself. I just haven't quite figured out the dance yet, KWIM?

HTH.

Good luck, whichever way you go!!!

Edited to add:

You can chose a semi open/open/closed adoption. Don't feel guilted into chosing a kind you are uncomfortable with. We are comfortable with this level of openness with this couple, not sure we would be with any couple, kwim? If you chose open, determine how open, and be willing to honor the promises you make to bparents. That is all they have is your word (some states have the enforceable agreements, and that is great, but we have to be true to our word, even during tough times.)

I'm going to go call bmom now.

[kretzklan]

There are so many options - do lots of research on all of them (which is obviously what you are doing with this thread...so I'll just answer )

Each international adoption program is very different - major issues are: cost, length of process, age of children, health of children...just to name a few.

We adopted from Russia - things in international adoption from any country are never set in stone and pretty much in a constant state of flux.

I believe that if you get answers to the questions that matter most to you, you'll know what to do.

Make a list of the "must-haves" for you to complete an adoption...then see what fits. For instance if you want a newborn baby - international adoption will not be a great fit. Some countries can have children home as young as 6 months...but more are in the 18/24 month range. Or if you have any health issues - some countries may not be a good match.

Good luck...if you need specific info on Russia, please feel free to PM me...

[Robsgal]

Hi, when we started on the IF journey I was ready to consider adoption right away, it's something I somehow always thought I would do, but when it came time to have a baby it just made sense to do it the old fashion way. Anyhow, it didn't happen that way and right away my husband shot down the idea of adoption. He thought he needed the genetic link and seen to many negative things on TV. Well two years later we still wern't pregnant and we were moving onto donor eggs. During that time I quit my job and started taking care of my friends 1 month old baby...he's almost 10 months now. It was the best decision I've made. My husband adores the baby and I think being around him made my husband realize he could raise a baby that was not a genetic link. We decided not to put our money on the odds that donor eggs would work and go for something more likely to happen (not as quickly, but it will happen).

When discussing adoption, he sometimes made comments about bad things that he's heard of, I just kept saying he needs to consider how many good stories about adoption he's heard...almonst none because becasue good news doesn't make good TV, magazines or newspapers. I think that helped himn because we all know we hear more negative things on TV then positive.

Good luck. Give your husband time. He'll hopefully come around. In the meantime, have you tried IUI's or anything else besides IVF. It may be worth it.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by MrsJeremy

Hello,
My husband and I are considering adoption as an option to having a family. He is not willing to do IVF and is wishy-washy on adoption. I would like to gain knowledge about the good, bad and ugly of adoption. We like everyone else have heard the horror stories and are very leary about domestic adoption. I would like to adopt from the US, but I'm not sure about this "open adoption" issue. I took care of a little girl that was recently adopted from China and now I'm confused in which way to go. I could use advice on domestic vs international, how open is "open", and what it is like to go through the process.

Hi,

I was in your shoes over a year ago. However, I did conceive a child through IVF (after 3 trys). My son is now seven years old.

When we decided we wanted to expand our family, the first thing we thought about was adoption. My husband is an adoptee. But, I had some family members that were leary about it. They too had heard about horror stories. They talked us into doing one more IVF cycle. So we tried one more time (BIG mistake!).

When that cycle failed, we were devastated (plus out of a chunk of money). We went back to our original plan of adoption. We started off looking heavily into international adoption. Like you, and many others we were too leary about domestic adoption.

One day, a friend of ours bumped into another friend. She had just adopted the most beautiful baby girl. It was through a facillitator in California. This facillitator only dealt with open adoption in the US. She said to call this woman up immediately.

Suffice to say, we did. It was a short, smooth, exciting and miraculous process. From the time we sent our birthmother letter in to the time we brought our daughter home was 2 months. Yes, I said TWO months.

Open adoption has been a wonderful experience for us. We got to meet not only our daughter's immediate family members, but extended family as well.

My daughter is now 16 months old. We send letters and pictures to her birthfamily. We also communicate with her bmom by phone.

Many people are shocked that we talk to her birthmom on a regular basis. They can't conceive how that is possible. Aren't we afraid she will want her baby back?!

The answer is NO. She doesn't want her baby back. That is not what adoption is all about. She chose us to parent her baby. We agreed to open adoption.

Open adoption has been a great experience. Her bmom gets to have regular updates on her child. She gets to know & see how well her child is doing. There is no mystery. There is nothing for her to wonder, worry or freak out about. It gives her tremendous peace of mind. It helps to reinforce a positive decision. She did the RIGHT thing for her child.

For us, there is no mystery either. We know what her bfamily looks like. She looks just like her bmom and sister. But more importantly, we have access to any information we want, need, or are curious about etc.

It gives ME a tremendous peace of mind that I am in contact with her bmom. It is a beautiful, fulfilling experience. It is great for my daughter in the future. She will never have to wonder where she came from, who she looks like, what her heritage is etc. She will have access to ALL of that information & more.

Most importantly, my daughter will know first hand how MUCH she is LOVED, cherished and cared for. She has both mothers who respect and care for one another. But we are both committed to the happiness, health and love for OUR child.

I hope this has helped a bit. Please know that domestic adoption is alive & well. There ARE many babies who are in need of a loving, secure & happy home. There are many POSITIVE adoption stories out there (ours included).

If I had known how wonderful open adoption is, I would have adopted long ago. I look at my daughter & I can't imagine not having her in my life. She was MEANT to be my daughter. I was MEANT to be her mother. If you want further information, please pm me.

Best regards,
Julie

[DreamingAzure]

There are a LOT of different options out there when it comes to adoption lol It took me ages to get get all the different varieties figured out.

My personal situation made the decision of what kind of adoption to move forward with a bit easier.

I'm fairly young(30 next month), single, and make less then 40k a year.

In the beginning I looked into domestic adoption of a newborn. 80% of the agencies I contacted refused to take me on as a client because they didn't feel I made enough money(most of them wanted me to make a minimum of 50K a year). Many of them told me it would be a 3-4 year wait for a healthy CC newborn in the US, and since I am only willing to have a semi-open adoption(letters & photos only) my chances were even slimmer. I had kind of expected something like based on the experiences of several friends.

I started looking at international adoptions, mainly in Asia. I'm too young for China(plus I wanted an infant under 12 months the average for China is 14-18 months), Korea would have been wonderful, but they don't adoption to singles. Cambodia and Vietnam were closed. I started looking into Japan and Laos, and Hong Kong.

When the news came out that Vietnam was REALLY going to reopen it seemed like an answer to prayer. Unfortunately my parents have had some major health issues, and I'm having to put off my adoptions for another year or so, but I'm count the months until I can get the process started again and bring my babies home!

Just do your research I found that before I could make a decision I had to do a lot of internal evaluating and soul searching.

Best of Luck!!

[ddhuab]

Hi, you have come to a good place to learn about ALL types of adoptions.

We pursued fertility treatments only VERY briefly, and never did IVF or IUI. (Just clomid). I was one of those people always "drawn" to adoption, but didn't think we would do it for our first child. Anyway, I was floored when I found out how much newborn domestic adoption can cost! If that is the route you choose to go, please research a lot, since I found here that domestic doesn't always cost as much as what many big, national agencies quoted to me.

Anyway, "open adoption" means many different things. I think it can be a very, very good thing for the child. However, I think the relationship can develop only as well as the match is when it is made (between birthparents and adoptive parents). For that reason, (among many, many others) we chose to adopt internationally from Guatemala. I think if you make an open adoption agreement, you should do all you can to live up to that agreement, and work to help keep a relationship alive between your child and the birthparents. I thought, with our first child, we would be so anxious to make a match that we might not choose a good birthmother match for us (and in an open adoption situation, I do think you both have to choose each other).

The downside of our choice, though, is that although our daughter will know her birthmother and granparents names and residence at the time of her birth, she may never get to meet her or communicate with her. (I think that is a big loss). We are going to try to pursue contact that would result in a "semi-open" situation and an occasional visit, returning to Guatemala, in the future. However, I have no idea if the birthmother would want that or not, or if we will even be able to locate her. Also, another loss, we have no information on the birthfather.

If we adopt a second time, it will probably be domestic, as Guatemala is likely to close to US adoptions sometime in 2007, at least temporarily. At that point, if I feel it won't negatively affect our daughter to be exposed to the open adoption of a sibling (and what I mean is, the unfairness of sibling knowing birthfamily and daughter not knowing birthfamily), then we will probably pursue open adoption. At that point, I think I will be able to use my best judgement as we continue to grow our family when I don't have that constant worry in the back of my mind, "Will I ever be a mother, is this my only chance?"


Have fun researching. At the beginning I never thought in a million years we would do an international adoption (with a country that, by the way, was one of the most expensive ways to go...).

D.

[Vogi2002]

Okay, nothing can beat what advice you have currently gotten, I just wanted to tell you that I would reccomend researching every single option with adoption! Call agencies, compare, on international, domestic, everything!! Then come to boards, like you are, and get advice on all sides! As far as your dh goes, give him time! My dh was the same way and so I said that we would not focus on ttc or adoption until he decided for himself what he wanted. So we took five months off and it was GREAT!! Then, he decided he was ready to begin to adopt...researching, etc. Sometimes they just need to have the ball in thier court!! HTH!!

Natalie