[jpe]

I'm interested in getting opinions on why open adoption seems to be the craze right now. My husband and I are in the initial stages of researching adoption and we came into this knowing we wanted a closed adoption for sure. I am in total shock to see that open adoption seems to be the way to go now. We are totally open to learning more about open adoptions and considering it ourselves...but just curious on others' thoughts. I've found that several agencies we are looking into don't even offer closed adoptions. Do most consider it harmful to the child/baby? Is it hard to find a birthmother that will agree to closed? Any input will be greatly appreciated! Feel free to PM me too.

[maxkinzie]

Just our experience in a nutshell, ok, a big nutshell. I had wanted a closed adoption, seemed simpler, less risky perhaps? One grand morning our agency called and said a baby girl had been born that morning, get to GA 1000 miles away now if we were interested in her. BUT BMom wanted to meet us at the hospital (struck fear in my heart, but I wanted this baby!)

16 months later I can say I am totally 100% grateful we met her. Not only did we get to meet a wonderful, if hurt, woman, but it put a face to the woman who was giving us the greatest gift ever. I love knowing who I'm writing updates for, I am SO happy for DD that BMom is interested in her life, and would like to re-meet her in the not too distant future. No doubt we would have beeen happy with a closed adoption(ignorant, but happy), but we would have so completely shortchanged ourselves.

I HATE to say this, it truly embarrases me, that pre-adoption I had an image of a "BirthMom", and it was the wild crazed party animal I went to college with who put her baby up for closed adoption. I would have feared this girl had I adopted her baby. Our BirthMom is totally NOT that. And to actually see both the love and pain in her eyes when she put DD in my arms for the final time, I never could have imagined it! - or our emotions at walking out of that room with our baby girl while she sat on the bed and watched us leave with her baby girl It changed my life, that's for sure.

Now the "disclaimer", I know all BirthMoms are different, but this was our experience. For us, semi-open to be opened eventually seems a perfect situation.

I did a lot of reading from a BMom's perspective here on the forums, I learned to cherish the relationship, and not take it for granted. There's a lot of great BirthMoms here who have helped me more than they'll ever know!

Also to keep in mind, and I hope I put this correctly- many or most of the people coming to these forums do so because of some difficulty or hardship regarding the adoption process, be it a beginner unsure what to do next or something has gone awry their process. My point is, a lot of us have no trouble with the process, but we hear far less from these folks (out raising their babies, being parents!). I still come here as time allows, partly because I want to tell when I can, that adoption CAN go smoothly. -also as a 1st time mom I find others' experiences priceless

take care,
maxi

[Mommy24]

To me the better question is "Why wouldnt you want an open adoption"? How wonderful for your potential child to be able to have all questions answered honestly by you and his or her bparents, not have to go through the difficulties of trying to locate bfamily if they so chose to,have all acess to medical records, etc. It just seems logical to me, since the child is the most important person in the situation, we should do whats best for them. Please research the benefits of open adoption, you can do that right here on the forums. Check out Bromanchik's posts she is a Bmom who had one of the first open adoptions back in or around 1980. Check out our Open adoption Forum, in the adoptive parents forum. The best thing you can do for your potential child is read, listen and learn. Keep an open mind, and if in the end you still dont think it is for you, then Please dont promise an Expectant mom anything you dont fully intend to follow through on. Good luck to you!

[Linny]

There are many variations when you define 'closed or open adoption'. Closed can mean anything from knowing nothing at all about the birthmother, the baby's genetic background, the birthfather, or extended family. But, it can also mean that you would have the names of everyone, the health history, etc.........and even speak to the bioparents before or briefly after the baby is born; and then, nothing further.

Open adoption can mean everything from knowing the basic background of the baby, speaking with the bioparents and a few visits, photos, emails, phone calls up until the baby is born, or shortly thereafter, etc....to having all of the above for years to come, and/or including physical visits with the baby so many times per year or as determined by both parties.

There are as many bioparents who request a very open adoption, as there are that request a completely closed adoption. True, many agencies are making an open or at least semi-open arrangement a requirement for all. I find this disheartening, as we fully believe any open-ness should be determined by the parties involved; not some sw'er or agency who feels this is best for anyone. There is also the theory (which I do not believe is too off base)......that agencies now require this practice of everyone involved, in order to assure that their agency will stay open longer, have more birthmothers that are interested, etc. (The more letters, photos, and/or visits arranged by the agency, the more important it is that the agency remain with open doors, KWIM?)

Then, there are those bioparents who will request one type of adoption, and feel that after birth, they don't want contact, or more than letters/photos for a few years; or nothing at all. Sometimes, a very closed adoption, will turn into a very open adoption, because the parties involved find that they really want to maintain more open lines, etc.

Here's the bottom line, IMO. Research and decide just what kind of adoption you are wanting. What YOU feel comfortable with. In our adoptions, we cannot see us ever wanting a very open arrangement; soooo, we tell our agencies/ attorneys and would never want to be presented to bioparents who would want more 'open-ness'.

Be totally honest with yourself. Do NOT allow any agency/attorney to 'talk you into an arrangement you're not COMPLETELY comfortable with'. You must be honest with the bioparents, as well as yourselves.
There is nothing more disheartening than to see couples agree to something they have no intentions of 'carrying out'; OR, agreeing to an arrangement, only to find that it's obligatory, simply to 'get a baby'. Not good, not honest and not fair to anyone.

While an agency/attorney/facilitator may tell you, 'Well.....then you'll be certain to wait longer for your baby.' Don't believe this hype. Your baby will come when it's supposed to come; and being dishonest with yourselves and/or the bioparents assures bad policy from the start.

Research, ask, listen and decide. Don't believe all of the hype on a lot of boards about any one type of adoption. Decide what YOU feel is best for YOU....just as a bioparent will decide for them; and let the adoption be conducted in an ethical manner.

My best to you in whatever option you decide.

Sincerely,

Linny

[MommyBear]

Read as much as you can about open adoption, particularly on boards like this where you can get the perspective from both the adoptive and birthparents. When we started the adoption process I was SURE that I would want a closed adoption - I am the jealous type and didn't want to "share" my child, or feel like someone was more important than I was in their life. I have come a LONG way from those thoughts and now find myself almost as excited about meeting a potential birthmother and becoming her friend as I am about becoming a mom. What more wonderful gift can we give our child than the truth and complete access to every aspect of their history, including getting to know the people that gave them life? And on a selfish note, how much will it help my own spirit to do everything possible to ease the transition for birthparents who find themselves in the position to place their child in my care?

[DreamingAzure]

If you feel closed is best for you then go for it! BUT I would say do your research first

Semi-Open adoption is still widely accepted and from the few agencies I talked to about domestic adoption was still a widely asked for thing by both Bparents & Aparents.

Personally, I'm not thrilled with the idea of having the Bfamily become "family" I'm happy to exchange letters, pictures and medical info...but I don't think I could deal with monthly visits, going on vacation with my bfamily or allowing my child to go and spend the weekend with them...EVER...which, for me, was one of the factors in choosing international adoption(not overnight visitation, but level of openness).

BUT that's me...I've just seen one too many open situations go bad with my friends and family...that is NOT to say that many of our wonderful members here don 't have GREAT relationships with their Bfamilies or Afamilies...but it's about what works for you and your family.

We all know our limitations, and there is NO shame is being honest with yourself about what you think you can deal with. I agree whole heartedly with what Mommy24 said, DON'T make promises to PBparents about the openness of the relationship if you aren't planning on keeping them. You may have to wait a few extra months to find the right situation, but ALL types of adoption are still out there, you just have to be patient and find the right agency

Best Wishes

[rose524]

I am an adult adoptee from the closed era of adoptions. When we learned we would not be able to conceive, we pursued domestic infant adoption. I went into the porocess thinking I could easily do a closed adoption, the way my parents adopted me. I quickly learned that open is the trend now, and while you may find a birthmother that wants the same things you do, it may take longer.

Most agencies I spoke with discouraged me from wanting a closed adoption saying open was proven to be better.
(I personally had a hard time grappling with that one, since I was in a closed adoption, and thought it worked out great for me! However that is ONLY MY OPINION )

After almost a year and thousands of dollars later, we were not able to find a birthmother that wanted what we did, and we finally decided we would not be interested in an open relationship and stopped our adoption pursuits.

Ultimately we went back the IVF route and are currently expecting through a surrogate.

So, no, you are not alone in your initial thoughts.
However, I will urge you to do a lot of research and thinking and listening (on these forums).
Please make an informed decision. There are many wonderful folks on this board who are in open adoptions and have made it work, and may I add, work wonderfully! It just may not be right for everyone.
Know your limitations and capabilities.
Best wishes whatever you decide.

[ourdreamcametru]

We went into our adoption knowing with out a doubt that we didn't want an open adoption and we let our birthmother know this up front. We assured her that we would help locate her if our daughter ever wanted to know her. Now, almost two years later, I just got off the phone with "E", then called her grandmother and we are in the process of planning our second visit for dd's second birthday. I think it is okay to know what you want as far as openness but you have to be sure you make it known to everybody involved upfront. Then, if you change your mind later, it's okay and nobody is let down. Speaking from our experience, follow your heart and it will lead you in the right direction over time.
Good luck

[beatrix]

Hi. Here's what I've been told: if you want closed adoption, your best bet is to go through the state. Most agencies support (aggressively) open or semi-open adoption. Semi-Open means less contact, at the absolute minimum, photos and letter twice a year. More open agreements involve phone calls, the most open involve meetings with the birthmother on a regular basis.
I wanted closed as well but had to accept that I wasn't going to find the child I wanted that way. We are going for semi-open, photos and letters at the most.
Best of luck!

[StorkWatcher]

Hi! I wanted to say we were also surprised when we started the adoption process that closed isn't very common now.

We chose semi-open in the best interest of our child and the birthmother. We were afraid in the beginning of an open arrangement, picturing crazed women stalking us trying to take our baby back. Talk about old myths and a bad made-for-TV movie!

CHeck out the board here for communication between birthparents and adoptive parents. It's very insightful.

We wanted our child to know something about his background/where he came from/why he looks the way he does - basically, questions to answers he might have. We also wanted the option to have more access to medical/family history as time goes by, especially in case of emergency. And we thought maybe once he was an adult, he might want to try to contact his birthfamily. Or maybe not. But at least he wouldn't be prevented by the law.

Once we decided that, we found that children can be more well-adjusted when they have access to some answers. Adoption is a very positive and wonderful way to create a family. While we won't stress it all the time, we want it to feel very comfortable and "normal" to our son.

Also, I have a fear that something will happen to one of the birthparents (God forbid, death) and we would never know or wouldn't find out for years.

I hope our birthmom feels comfort in the fact that we can contact each other through our , if needed. And if she ever wants to see how her son is doing, she can check up on him and rest assured that she made the right decision when she chose to place him with us. (Not to trivialize her feelings about placing a child for adoption! But I hope it does make her feel better.)

PS - our agency said almost all their birthmoms request open or semi-open (with varying degrees of contact) and that their decision to place a child is made a bit easier if they know they can check on things from time to time and/or get to know their child as they grow and their adoptive parents.

[Poleczech]

My question is, why are you so sure you want a closed adoption? Are you afraid of sharing your child? Of someone else loving your child? Open adoption is not shared parenting, as many people think.


I would encourage you to do a lot of research before you say no to open adoption. I'm not sure I would call open adoption a "craze," as most crazes come and go quickly. I believe open adoption is going to become more and more the norm, as you are finding out.

Is open adoption for everyone? Probably not, and there may be circumstances where a closed situation would be in the best interest of all concerned (perhaps if the birthparent were dangerous or very abusive), but you might find that open or semi-open is not as bad as it originally sounds. DH and I are hoping to form our family through open adoption, and are currently speaking with a young woman who is considering us. We are slowly getting to know each other, and are developing a friendship, which we hope will continue to grow.

But, as I have said in other threads on this forum before, can I child really have too many who love them???

[Mommy24]

Beatrix, so you are "settling" just so you can get a baby? I really hope I have misunderstood your post. PLease clarify if you dont mind.

[beatrix]

Mommy24: If you mention to a California agency that you want closed adoption, they get very agitated and you are told that this is a terrible idea, "closed adoption is illegal" (no joke), and in general made to feel like a miserable person for wanting that.
We have found closed adoption unavailable unless you go through the state, in which case, you are not likely to get a healthy infant.
But to clarify: we are settling for a level of contact between the ** and ourselves which we did not initially care for...not settling on the baby!

[blessedbybug]

We chose open adoption because in our province, it is the only option. Here, even a child out of foster care is encouraged to have contact as far as it is healthy for the child and his/her family. ALL records are open and are not closed unless it is a dangerous situation.


I must admit when looking into adoption, DH and I explored many, many options other than domestic infant placement because we were fearful of what an open relationship might involve. As we researched and worked through the decision, we heard stories, and gathered information about how an open relationship on any level can be a positive thing for a child we were parenting.

Our experience also involves two very personal situations that really opened our eyes. DH's sister placed her first child in a closed adoption 25 years ago. Her grief at not knowing where her DD is or even if she is alive has profoundly affected her and her outlook on life. All records are open but it doesn't mean they can be found once contact is lost. Also, we have a SIL who was placed for adoption in the closed era. Her struggle for information and desire to know people who looked/acted like her was also very formative in her life.

With all this put together, it made it very possible for us to consider the possibilities of an open relationship. And after our DD's birth I must say that really, we desire a more open relationship than her first mother. We've had three visits so far and wish for more. We send letters/pics etc often and receive little back. I feel bonded to this family because they are a part of who DD is... that is the bottom line. To me, even if you have a closed adoption, that family is still a part of your life. You can't ignore how your child entered the world and your life. It is a part of their story... why not include their first family? It doesn't mean you have to take vacations or have monthly contact... you can only do what you are comfortable with... explore the possibilities... you might surprise yourself as to what happens and the joy it brings you.

[Mommy24]

I understand that you are not "settling" for the baby, however IMO anytime we do something we are not fully in agreement to do there are bound to be problems. If you werent really wanting contact with birthmom then no one should push you to do that, because likely it will fail somewhere along the way. Too many adoptive parents have promised the world to get there babies and then said goodbye to birthmom after the fact. Please know that is very painful and very wrong!! If you agree to pics and letters you must do what you say,otherwise in my opinion it will later cause heartache between you and your child. There are birthmoms out there that want closed adoptions and in my opinion that is the birthmom you should be looking for, if you are forced in to an open adoption I hope you research how beneficial it will be to you and your child to follow anything you might promise or agree to! Good luck to you

FYI :When using the term "birthmom" please do not use the letters birthmom as it stands for bowel movement and the system will automatically asterik it out.