[kllee4]

I originally joined the forums here to learn all I could about open adoption. I thought it was a strange and weird concept. I was under the impression that all birthmothers up and left the hospital without looking back for their own reasons. I thought it would too painful for them to want any contact. Oh, how wrong I learned I was and I am now so greatful that I at least educated myself first.

I will be honest and admit that I secretly admired those on here that made it work and I wondered if we could, too. I thought it would be too hard to send pics and stuff with raising a newborn and with the demands of life. I thought it would be an intrusion and would keep me from bonding with our child. I was also wrong on all of those fronts. Although I am an a huge procrastinator, I have already sent packs of pics with letters and updates twice in the month since we've been home. And I love the excitement in her voice when she calls after she has received them. It makes me happy to know that I am keeping up with my end of the bargain (and that's a lot because our written agreement only called for this twice a year in June and December, and she expected her first set to be in June!).

For us, it hasn't been an intrusion, we have been bonding well with dd, we look forward to our yearly visits in the summer, and I am relieved.

I do, however, agree with those here who have said that you must be honest with yourself first and stick to your guns no matter what. I don't know how I could live with myself if I promised something and then changed my mind. It's not like deciding on grapes after you first thought you wanted bananas. This is a life we are talking about and if a bmom is willing to sacrifice her child to have a better life, then what's a pic and a letter in the long run to help her at least have some connection with her child?

Linny,
I also don't agree with the ageny being involved. While I LOVE our agency to death, we decided from the beginning that we would not use them as the middle man and would contact one another ourselves. I will, however, send a small packet of pics twice a year with our contact info to keep for birthdad, who wanted no contact. They will be mailing him a letter once we send them to see if he wants them. He may change his mind.

So do what you feel is best and learn all you can before you make a decision. Good luck!

[DreamingAzure]

I think that "reconciled" is probably a better word then "settled" for what Beatrix meant...at least from what I'm reading into her posts.

I think a number Aparents reconcile themselves to having more contact with Bfamilies than they themselves would like...sometimes for the good of their child, and sometimes because they feel pressured by the agencies as being the ONLY way they can become parents to healthy infants.

Life is about compromize and reconcilization, & it's not usually fair(if it was many of us would have bio children in addition to our children who are adopted. Or keep the child we are placing for adoption). Sometimes we have to do things that aren't in our orginal plans and out of our comfort level..that doesn't mean that we don't give it our all when the time comes. It just means it's not our orginal choice.

[Mommy24]

Shana while I do agree that "some" do reconcile themselves and do go on to do whats best for the child, the fact still remains that "some" dont. I just think that if it isnt in your plans to have some type of communication then you are setting yourself up to fail. I for one wouldnt settle for anything, I am of the opinion if you work hard enough to get what you want and if you want it bad enough you can have it! I have to question how good things can be if you start off not really wanting it?KWIM? I mean if I wanted grapes but the store only had bananas and I knew I had to have fruit so I bought the bananas I may get home and taste the bananas and think this isnt what I wanted, it can cause many emotions and resentments!

Anyway not comparing bananas and grapes to the importance of a child but ya know what I mean!

[beatrix]

Ah, thank you, I couldn't understand why the system kept removing those initials...
Do you know of a reputable agency that does lots of closed adoptions?
If you do, please PM me. I have searched far and wide...I even asked Dr. Laura, who said to use an attorney, but I was not pleased with any that I contacted.
Also, I am not the type to promise anything and not follow through. So whatever agreement we get into (I wont' do more than photos/letters) that is what we will be doing. I hear that some of these agreements are legally binding, anway, in terms of followup contact.

[Mommy24]

Beatrix, no unfortunately I dont know of any, I am not saying I agree with closed adoption nor am I sayingI agree with open adoption personally I am on the fence in believing that semi open is the way to go! But thats neither here nor there, I will explain why I feel the way I feel. First there are only a few states in which agreements are legally binding, with that said, I had a good faith semi open adoption where my Birthsons aparents promised to send letters and pics periodically throughout the year, no set amount and no set times! We did this corresponding for 7 years through the agency. Almost 9 yrs ago the agency decided to close and they called me asking if they could forward my address to the aparents and we could set up a way to continue contactsince of course they wouldnt be there anymore to forward letters to each of us! I agreed and the aparents set up a POBox for me to send my letters to, however after I sent my first letter to the PObox they closed it with no forwarding address. I havent heard from them for 9 yrs. I am and have been for 9 yrs worried, sad, scared, confused, what happened?? What did they tell my bson about having no more letters coming from me? Does he think I just didnt want to correspond anymore? So you can see why I push so hard for keeping your word, not that I dont think you will, I just use my situation to inform others what birthmoms go through when that happens. It wouldnt have been so bad had they just said (with good reason of course) that it wasnt benefiting M to have on going correspondence but to just disappear makes me wonder!


Anyways, good luck in your journey to becoming a Mom I wish you the best