[MrsD820]

Originally Posted by happygmom

No one has a perfect life. Didn't I find that out this past year? LOL! There are many, many birth parents and adoptive parents who have told us that they were matched because the birth parents felt a connection to the adoptive parents because they were just nice, normal people with a nice, average life.

Sweet MRsD820 - As I read back through your posts, I get the impression that you are also experiencing some normal "expectant mom jitters". We all experience that. IMO adoption amplifies it by a factor of 10 to a 1000 because of not being in control of the process. I would like to hear your ideas about that.

Happy G'Ma

This post originally appeared in the Open Adoption section under (Is It Okay to Be Afraid of Open Adoption?). I felt this was a topic worthy of its own thread.

In response, I feel completely out of control. Paperwork, letters, home study, background checks. Its all nuts.

Who cares what my brother in laws hair color and height is? What if he was 3'5" with blue hair? Does that matter in an adoption? LOL Its funny when I can step away from the papers but its frustrating the scrutiny that is being placed on us as paparents when bparents suffer no such scrutiny.

I'm worried about if I'll be a good mom. I'm worried about being hurt by a bmom that changes her mind at the last minute. I'm worried about schools, daycare, holidays. OMG, what happens if one of us gets killed, who will care for the child? All worries that all amothers suffer through...and some that are universal parental worries.

I get depressed when I see the Mother with her stroller in the mall and the toddlers helping push their baby sibling. I ask, why was it so easy for her.....then in the next breath I'm shopping for cribs at Forever Mine and thinking how wonderful our next vacation to Disney will be with our little one to join in the fun.

I've heard and seen the moods swings that pregnant mothers have. I think I'm beginning to understand, even without the hormones. LOL

So, I would love for some of the waiting amoms and bmoms to pipe in and share their experiences and the experiences of those already through them.

Love,
Angie

[Poleczech]

You know, I can so relate. DH and I went through many, many years of unsuccessful IF treatments which ended in a hysterectomy in 2004. During that whole time, we felt so totally out of control because while everyone else was planning when they were going to get pregnant, and seemingly getting pregnant just thinking about it, we couldn't even get a verified pregnancy with all that medical science has to offer. While recovering from my hysterectomy and with a lot of time on my hands, I started seriously researching adoption (prior to that, we talked about it, but not seriously). We had a lot of long, hard discussions and realized that it didn't matter if our child looked like us, we still wanted to be parents. And so instead of all the IF meds, hormones, surgeries, and treatments, and countless trips to the doctor's office, we are filling out mountains of papers (I already have 2- 3" binders full of copies of everything we have filled out or had sent to us), going through homestudy visits, and now the waiting. But I think the waiting is the hardest part (no pun intended), but again, we are so out of control over whether we are picked by a pbm. Sure, we have the typical new parent worries like will we be good parents, and what daycare options are available, and how much time can I take off for maternity leave, etc. But added to that, we have the additional worry that maybe we will never be picked by a pbm. And if we are picked, will we be able to afford the added expenses of travel and hotels if the baby is from another state, will we need an attorney in the other state, what if the pbm changes her mind at the last minute (which is perfectly within her rights to do -- I won't deny that--but it is still a concern.)

So, yes, the road to parenthood has been an emotional roller coaster ride that is not over yet. Right now, we are slowing climbing that huge hill but haven't made the crest yet ....... and the anticipation can be maddening! :0)

[LisaCA]

I have this tendency to be absolutely sure and then boom! doubt hits. Happened at the altar (really i would have run if the exits were not blocked) and happened when I picked dd up from the hospital. everyone leaves and I'm in the rental car with her and i'm just hyperventilating, begging dd to be good to me since I had no idea what I was doing. Really fun drive to the hotel, lol. Truly if I could have said "wait!" I would have. thank goodness everyone left before the panic hit .

it's so hard because it's something that you're sure you want, and i think if you've been ttc, you're caught up in that. After all the adoption paperwork, you really have time to think, which in some cases is good, others, well, time to panic. poor dh tried to keep up with my mood swings, from being really excited to not wanting to talk because it would jinx everything.

yeah, what a crazy ride, lol. the fact that you're turning your life upside down I'm sure has nothing to do with it .

[MrsD820]

When I told a coworker I was adopting she told me about the day she brought her son home from the hospital. She had given birth the day before, barely saw her son and was discharged the next morning. They handed her Carston and wished her luck. She said she had a panic attack. She had no idea where to go from there.....she laughs about it now, but she says no one is prepared to be a parent the first time.

[billysmommy]

It's true, none of really knows what the heck we are doing before our first child comes. All the babysitting in the world doesn't prepare you for it either.......
For me the panic hit twice. The first time was the night before I was to leave to meet bmom and wait for ds's arrival. I broke into hysterics and was totally ready to pull out of it. DH (who has a bio child he raised himself until we met) was about to pull out his hair with all the questions I had. He finally broke out laughing and said "You mean to tell me that for four years you read everything there was about how to have a baby, and it never once occurred to you to read about what to do with that baby once it actually got here?" Just a little funny there.......
My second panic was also, like someone else mentioned, in the car coming from the hospital. I swear I drove 10 mph and pulled over every four minutes to make sure he was still breathing. A ten minute drive to the hospital took me an hour, LOL.

It is especially difficult to deal with the lack of control in an adoption. I started a journal the day I left to meet my kids first mom, and my first entry said......."it is quite disconcerting to know that my fate lies in someone else's hands. Someone else is going to determine whether or not I get to be a mother."

Will finish my thoughts later...sick baby to tend to.

[happygmom]

Hi Angie!

You had a great idea to move the thread.

My husband and I decided to start our family after 10 years of marriage - after grad school and early years in our careers. Once we realized that we were going to be parents we were terrified. The baby was going to be our responsbilty - we would have to make the decisions. And our family was so negative about us having children because we were "so settled in our lives".

Sometimes when I read the posts from expectant and new adoptive parents that ask for help with anxieties and worries I see the same issues that bio parents face. Yes, the gestaional period in adoption sure sucks! And I understand that adoption makes the parenthood process so much harder, but please give yourself the pleasure of stepping back every so often and enjoy that fact that many of your emotions are the normal part of becoming a parent and are apart from suffering through the adoption process.

BTW when you have your baby, this is one of the best forums for advice about general health and care for infants and children. The members are so loving - birth moms and adoptive moms. I think they are so much more aware of the blessings of their children. My daughter has relied on the members for advice for all sorts of "crises".

So, I have a question for the experienced adoptive parents that I hope will help Angie - how do sort out what are normal expectant parent jitters from anxiety over the "wheelbarrow of paperwork" (stole that one from Mrs D - made me smile - I think we have the same sense of humor) that you have to put up with?

Hugs!

Happy G'Ma

[kelleymac]

Hmmm, yeah, you could say that. I was so stressed about our homestudy visit that I had an absolute meltdown about the curtains in our guestroom. My husband (gently) reminded me that our SW was probably not going to make her decision based on those curtains.

Paperchasing was easy for me, but the scrutiny of the homestudy was really unnerving for me, so hang in there. We all have our own triggers.

(Oh, and I was on the phone with my mom in the states from Guatemala asking if teething could cause a fever.)

Hang in there, you'll get through it.

Kelley

[Becky01089]

Your thread has perfect timing! I was freaking out a little while ago thinking,"I don't even know how to make a bottle!!". You are so wrapped up in forms and documents and pictures and letters. We just started the long wait and I haven't even started "How to be a mom 101". I must admit though, my house never looked so good for the homestudy. I even cleaned the basement....took me five hours....and she didn't even go down there! I was shocked she didn't want to see my basement. Not that there's anything down there except a lot of junk and the washer and dryer. I think I rambled on about the basement so much my DH joked with the SW that I was let down she didn't go down to check it out.

I'm a planner and I like to stay organized. Adoption will be a challenge for me since it can go in any direction it wants. DH will be there to reel me in when I'm spinning out of control. Thank goodness for him!

Good Luck to all!! and if you're feeling overwhelmed, might I suggest a good basement cleaning....it's somehow therapeutic, good for the soul!

Becky in MA

[Dream2Adopt]

Becky - Your post made me laugh out loud!! We're getting ready for our second follow-up visit and I'm STILL stressing!! :-)

I can totally relate to everything you guys are going through. Although we were in the adoption process for almost exactly nine months, we only had a four day "pregnancy" as we heard about the blessing which would be our son on 10/27 and he was born on 11/1! We spent one day telling work and family, one day shopping, the next day driving 10 hours to where he would be born, and the final day meeting with the agency and completing paperwork, finding the hospital, etc ... then boom - 12:25 p.m. on 11/1 we were parents! Talk about shocking

It truly took about two months for me to figure out that this is for real and this is my son! I still look at him sometimes and say - wow - how did you get here?! You'll be amazed at how easily a routine comes to you, even if you do have out of body moments when you're like, is that me making that bottle and calmly rocking this baby, how did I learn that? And when that child looks into your eyes for the first time with true recognition, any doubt you have ever felt is gone and you know, this is YOUR baby and no matter what you thought you could or couldn't do, you can do it and you are absolutely what is BEST for this amazing gift that you were chosen to receive.

Ahhh ... now I must go smooch on my little angel as I've reminded myself again how blessed I am!! Oh, and I know it's no fun to hear while you're waiting, but the time truly does disappear once that little person is in your arms. And you just say - thank God I waited for this one, because this is IT!!!

[StorkWatcher]

Welcome to the mom club, Angie! I think you can see you are not alone. I also thought it funny that I was acting like a hormonal pregnant woman during our wait, which is NOT like me. But we were expecting too!
Whenever I got frustrated with all the hoops we had to jump through, I tried to keep my sense of humor. We tried to laugh about as many things as possible. At some point, I think it's important and helpful to make peace with your position -Yes, it's out of your hands, for the most part. For me, though, that meant it was all in God's hands. ONce we got through the paperwork and homestudy, I was SO RELIEVED! Because it meant I was past that which I could control and God was in charge (enter some majorly overtime praying!).

Keep in mind that it will all be worth it! Some times I think, "We did this becoming-a-parent think the easy way. No hard labor". Then I laugh at myself and say, "No way. This was hard!" Ultimately, I want to do it all over again!

[MrsD820]

The easy way my butt. I almost want to smack my friends that say that. My one friend only had to have a man sneeze near her and she was pregnant. Then she would dumb them on their fathers or grandmothers and go party. That's the easy way.

God knows, I'll appreciate my child all the more because of these trials.

Just 3 days away from delivering my downpayment and scheduling the Home Study!

[LisaCA]

I don't think you can separate the expectant parent jitters from the adoption stress jitters-after a while it all blurs into one. For instance, those days when you're feeling pretty jittery, if you go to work, all that follows you and bleeds into all aspects of your life . Just ask your friends and family to bear with you. Or do what I did, which was to not mention anything to anyone-I was just cranky .

best thing is to keep busy on things you'll need like infant cpr class from the red cross, picking out a name (that could take forever, lol, took us a week after her birth), etc.

and then allow yourself to be "hormonal", lol. Just know that your emotions will be all over the map-and why not? you're entitled- you're going to be a mom .