[The Beach Bears]

A New York Family Adoption Journal….. In waiting



February 15th

I guess this would be a good place to post thoughts, questions and maybe just think things through myself. We are waiting to find out some facts, if they do not come out well than this may be a very short journal.





Lets start in the beginning my college roommates wife’s sister had a child, she is unmarried, a substance abuser and has mental health problems. After six months with the child and several incidents the child was taken from her and placed with her mother and her step- father. They lived in New York for a while than retired to Florida. During this time we and other families expressed interest in adoption, we had just started a family of our own with a little girl just a year before. The family was under the assumption that the grandparents were making efforts with social services to place and come up with a final placement for this child, they were wrong. Fast forward to today and the Grandmother passed away unexpectedly, the grandfather who is significantly older needs to seek assisted living and sell the house in Florida and move in with my college roommate’s family until they are able to place the child and secure him a place to live. (Oh, did I mention that the college roommate’s wife is now seven moths pregnant) So they will need to be moved to another relative’s house when the baby comes. Also his name is not on the custody papers only the Grandmothers. They were going to visit a lawyer this week and take care of custody. Whew, take a breath and move on with the story.



My wife and I have always wanted to adopt, my mother and cousin were adopted and we always saw it as viable way to expand your family. We would like to adopt this child. So here is what we have done so far. We have contacted a lawyer, for that matter three. We have not met any yet because we want to be able to bring some facts to the table. So for right now lets call them lawyer A, B & C.

Lawyer A is a woman who is part of a firm and she deals with adoption for that firm, when I called she seemed to be very, very busy I give that a -, she is close to my wife’s work easy to get to that’s a +

Lawyer B is a man and has been very helpful via email that’s a + and he has been recommended by another couple ++, he is close to my work +

Lawyer C is a woman who runs her own firm + and she has emailed back (lots of typo’s and spelling errors -) She lives in the same town we do and her daughter is going to the same college my roommate and I attended, I am not sure if I should give a + for that or not.



As I said we are waiting for facts from the family, we need to know if we are the choice for this adoption (there is another couple). We need to find out if the family has been able to reestablished custody of the child in New York State. If the birth mother will relinquish her rights voluntarily, the father and his family has already been pro giving up rights. Once we find out some of these things than we would move ahead with finding a Social worker for the home study. We will also meet with all the lawyers and see what direction we want to go in. We are committed and financially ready, and just unsure of everything else.



Thanks for reading I will due weekday updates and keep updating until we had a new child in our family or not.

[The Beach Bears]

February 16th



Last night the phone rang and it was my college roommate he wanted to clarify the directions that he had sent me for the trip this weekend, after some small talk I casually asked about the meeting with the lawyer they had this week, he said that his wife was unable to attend but that her brother and her father went and “they parents have to give up there rights’ and we will talk about it on Saturday” It took every ounce of restraint I had not to say “no kidding” I am hoping that the lawyer that they went to was a Adoption lawyer or had some adoption experience. We will find out on Saturday and by the way no one has called the social worker.

(I have no patience and I want to thank the Lord for taking this time to teach me patience) I know the wait is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, and I am sure many of you reading have been waiting a very long time.



Ok this is what we have decided to do, were going to see lawyer B next week if possible he seem to be our choice, unless he really does something strange at the meeting we will be moving forward, that s right moving forward, I think that we want to pursue adoption beyond this one child if this does not work out to this end we are going to change our appointment with lawyer A and see if we can see lawyer B in that time slot and ask a couple questions like. Do you know anyone who does home studies? Upon completion of the home Study would we be able to take physical custody of the child due to the Grandfathers failing health? If not then what would be the time period? Could the state place her with us if she has to go into foster care? We are concerned about the foster mother on a number of levels, but we feel that she only has a couple practical choices adoption or foster care, she is unable to take care of herself due to her illness much less a child, I realize that she is faced with the most difficult decision of her life, but that’s what being a parent is all about making choices that will benefit your children.



All in all it was a frustrating night last night as both I and my wife speculated about different scenarios and how each one of them may unfold, my advice do not do that it makes for a restless night of sleep.



Thanks for reading I will due weekday updates and keep updating.

[hotspice58]

Good luck!!!

[The Beach Bears]

February 17th



First, I would like to give a shout out to hotspice58 thanks for the encouragement.



Yesterday morning I called lawyer B to setup an appointment for next week, he answered his own phone, we spoke for what seemed like an hour and he laid out all the options and information we needed to know, he suggested topics of conversation for our meeting this weekend and gave me the name of a lawyer in there area for them to deal with who is a specialist. I can not tell you how very comfortable and confident he made me feel. We did talk about fess and total fees which were right in the reasonable range and he recommended several social workers for our home study and clarified the whole situation for us. I then laid this information out for the family in a phone call and an e-mail, and then I was attacked by a bird, a very large bird. Nesting in the overhang of the building it made its way into the open ceiling tile at work and into the room where I was on the phone with my contact in the family, Ok while I may not have screamed like a little girl, I did in fact panic. I feel that I could have taken the bird in a fair fight bit it snuck up on me. The bird made its way down the hallway and out an opened window none the worst for ware. But back to the story, I think we have laid out a strategy that would minimize there efforts, get it done before the other baby arrives and not cost them a dime yet in the end we are left with the same questions in the end, as many of you are, with the birth mother place the child with us? And does the family want to place the child with us?



We need to discuss post placement and contact, I understand that it would seem that almost anything can be written into a contract does anyone who has read this have any suggestions?



It was a big bird, and it was not happy.



Thanks for reading I will due weekday updates and keep updating.



I did not scream like a girl.

[The Beach Bears]

February 20th



I am unsure that I can put into word the elation and disappoint that we felt this weekend. Let’s start with the good, we now understand everything about the family dynamics and the scope of the problem that is faced, we also were able to see the child, hold her and watch her play with our own daughter. I can not begin to tell you what that felt like and how much it hurt to leave without her.



Now for the problems the Birth parents are not going to give up rights without a fight the family says, even though they have a history of neglect and abuse towards this child. The Birth mother thinks this is a game and she wants to continue playing, that the only way anyone form the family will see her at all. (She was improperly dressed, showed bruises of physical abuse and on drugs for her mother’s memorial service, her own father stated this to me, and it was obvious) The birth father was a no show and has been for several years he does have a job and a place to live as much as we know (and a report of child abuse for this child) so he presents the biggest threat to her adoption and her. The family was overjoyed that we were going to adopt her and even introduced her to others as the people who were going to take the child, but that is where there enthusiasm left since they do not want to deal with the mother and don’t care for the child (except her Grandfather and my college roommate and his wife)



I am left with one overwhelming thought this child is going back to her birth parents, or she is going into foster care and there is nothing we can do about it. My college roommate and his wife are stuck in the morass of having to tell her 85year old father he cannot take care of the child anymore and do not know what to do.



We have a call into the lawyer we are hoping to assist the family in termination of rights and they have some money set aside for this, but the clock is ticking on this child and I am afraid that we will run out of time before anything can get done.



Thanks for reading I will due weekday updates and keep updating.

[The Beach Bears]

February 22nd



Wow a lot can happen in two days let me try to boil this down, we spoke to the grandfather and he said he would give us custody and we could file for adoption based on abandonment, our lawyer said yes and he would call the grandfather, the grandfather changed his mind and said all he wants is adoption and we have to get signatures voluntary (which won’t happen) so the family yelled at the grandfather, the grandfather said he is going back to Florida and he and the crazy woman next door will raise the child. I am running out of time to write I will post more later.





Thanks for reading I will due weekday updates and keep updating.

[The Beach Bears]

February 22nd

2nd part



Let me get back to this, after our trip down we thought we faced some problems with having to terminate the birth parents rights but that everyone was on board. It turned out that the Grandfather who is now the only custodial parent is how can, I put this gently “a selfish, stubborn stupid old man” and that was from his daughter who loves him, my wife she does not put it that nicely. “He just wants to go back to his life in Florida and spend time with his granddaughter so he can die” that’s from his oldest son. His wife did all the heavy lifting and she is now gone I am now uncertain who is going to take care of this child in Florida. No wait there’s the “crazy broad living next door who wants to move in, this guy collects crazies like others collect pennies” From my college roommate.



So, now we are on death watch to see if his custody will expire before he returns form Florida, (While I do not wish him any specific ill he is in very poor health and 85 years old) But wait there is more he says that if we can adopt her we can have her. Back to trying to voluntarily terminate rights, let’s be that would be square one, no wait since we know they will not sign and we will be wasting the lawyer’s time, which may be a square back from one. We are going to write a letter about us and what we are all about and the family will take it with them when the visit the birth mother, if there is a God in heaven she will sign. The family seems to think the father is a slam dunk at that time the Grandfather can adopt her, oh no wait that’s not what we want hmmm do you get the felling we are being played here, so as I said before back on death watch.



We are going to speak to our lawyer about options on Friday; while we are not going to walk away (a statement that stunned most everyone in the family) we want to know what our options are for the future. It is our best hope that they will both sign for the family and he will see that he can not take care of her (sidebar here my college roommates wife has started an offensive of her own, it’s called Operation Dad taking care of a five year old, it stared yesterday with “oh I’m going out to the doctors I wont be back for a while, I’m taking {her child} to the cousins and {his child} can not go because she has a low grade fever and has been cranky all morning, good luck dad”. Upon return, five hour later she said “dad what does {his child} want for dinner PB& J he says, well you know where it is dad”, welcome to parenting old man.) And he will give custody over to us.



Now I am not trying to be mean if you are 85 years old and taking care of a five year old and offended I apologize, we are just all so raw with our emotions and my wife cried all night. We did not expect this in any way to be easy but we were hoping it could at least be possible.



Thanks for reading I will due weekday updates and keep updating.

[VernRDH]

I am the wife of the BeachBears and have been letting him post up about our journey toward adoption of this little girl. I spent the better part of last night crying because of my anger and frustration over this situation. I feel terrible for my friend who is a) 7 months pregnant b) dealing with a stubborn old man c) has two extra people in her space challenged home and d) has really not yet been able to grieve the loss of her mother because of all that is going on. And she keeps apologizing to us because of what is going on. My heart breaks for her. She feels angry that her father is not being cooperative in working toward the ultimate goal-our adopting Gina. She also feels resentful that while her dad is so concerned with Gina, he completely disregards the rest of his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

My feelings are this-when I saw Gina this weekend, it seemed like this was meant to be. She wants a mom and dad so badly. She calls the grandfather "daddy" because all the other kids at preschool had a daddy and she didn't. She took to us and our daughter (even though our darling was under the weather). As my husband said, it hurt to leave without her.
We had spoken to our daughter on Sunday morning while we were still at the hotel. A commercial came on for a community group that helps kids in foster care. DD looks at me and says, " is that where gina is going?" We told her that we hope not and that we would like her to come live with us. She was very interested and said she would share her toys and clothes. She said that gina could have the other bedroom. Today she told my husbands father about gina and the situation ( we were waiting to say anything until we had a better handle on things). He was surprised but pleased, cried a little even. DH's mom (who has passed) was adopted.

I want for this to happen so much that it hurts. I am angry that an 85 year old man who can barely care for himself is going to take a 5 year old 2000 miles from his family and not let us proceed unless we do it his way. We doubt very much that either birth parent is going to voluntarily sign off their rights. I am going to write a letter (per our attorneys suggestion) to them telling them about us and why we feel we are the best option for their child. I ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers while we await a decision.

[VernRDH]

Feb 26

Well since I last posted alot and nothing have both happened. There was no good news at all and any day that goes by without bad news is a good day. We met with our attorney on Friday and reiterated where we are and where we hope to go. We wrote two letters to the birthmom-one from my husband that tells her about us and our family and one from me that was handwritten and more emotional. We also sent some pictures of us for her to consider when her father (the childs grandfather) goes to see her about signing TPR. OH WAIT. We found out today that he already went to see her yesterday. She said she would consider it, then had some type of fit and became irrational, forcing him to leave. Then today grandfather had an "attack" where he could not breathe (he has O2 24/7) and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. He "felt fine" once he had been given some meds and was released from the hospital. And he thinks he can take care of a 5 year old. What happens when he is alone with her and he has an "attack"?


I told my dad today about the situation. We had been waiting to tell our families until we had more positive news to share and didn't want anyone to get their hopes up and have things fall apart. My dad is amazing. He loves us so much and thinks that I am "a super girl" for doing this. He is behind us 100% and seemed really excited about the prospect of another granddaughter to spoil!! There were some tears on both parts (I spoke to him alone first) and he has pledged his support in any way he can help. I then had to speak to his lady friend (my mom passed away two years ago). She seemed very skeptical at first and since she is not the most child friendly person in the world (she has no kids of her own), I am surprised that she seemed to warm up to it. Again, if she wants to stay with my dad, she may have to suck it up.

We are continuing with our journey toward adopting this child and if we have to wait for something to happen to the grandfather before we can proceed, then that is what we will have to do. We do not wish him ill, quite the contrary, but we wish that he would come to his senses and see that the best thing for this little girl is for us to take custody of her and make her part of our family.

I or Beach Bears will continue to post updates. Please keep us in your thoughts, as those of you also waiting are in ours.

[Curvyred]

I want for this to happen so much that it hurts. I am angry that an 85 year old man who can barely care for himself is going to take a 5 year old 2000 miles from his family and not let us proceed unless we do it his way. We doubt very much that either birth parent is going to voluntarily sign off their rights. I am going to write a letter (per our attorneys suggestion) to them telling them about us and why we feel we are the best option for their child. I ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers while we await a decision.

We also sent some pictures of us for her to consider when her father (the childs grandfather) goes to see her about signing TPR. OH WAIT. We found out today that he already went to see her yesterday. She said she would consider it, then had some type of fit and became irrational, forcing him to leave.

I'm sorry that you're so stressed out about this but . . . I have to comment here.

I know that you are longing for this girl, and would love to make her part of your family, but the bottom line is that the grandfather has every right to make you do things his way! He has custody! This is, for legal purposes, HIS grandchild in HIS care!

I'm sure this is a reflection of your frustration level, but it sounds like you feel that you have a right to this child, and that the grandfather is trying to block you from something you feel you deserve. I'm sorry that you're getting the runaround here, but the reality is that the parents and grandparents, regardless of whether or not they are "stupid old men", have a say in whether or not they sign over their rights! As for the MOTHER throwing an "irrational fit" when someone came to talk to her about signing over her parental rights so that people she doesn't know can take her child . . . I don't think that sounds that irrational at all! She's not a birthmom--she hasn't relinqished her parental rights nor have they been terminated (based on what you've written.) She may be a BAD mom if she's been charged with abuse and neglect, but she's still the legal mom, even if she isn't the guardian. Deserve doesn't come into it legally.

If the child was removed from the mother's home for neglect and abuse, then the agency that removed her should be informed and following up. If this child is removed by foster care, you may well be waiting in line behind all of the other certified foster homes. If you're not family--and forgive me if you ARE family and I've misunderstood the relationships here--you have no right to decide what happens to this child. I'm sorry that your friends are having such a rough time with this situation, but THEY are the ones with the legal potential to step in and notify authorities or petition for guardianship, not you, their friends.

I hope that this situation works out well for you. If you're truly worried about the child's safety and wellbeing, then you should be contacting the welfare department, not trying to convince the grandfather to get the parents to sign over their rights.

If the situation is as bad as you say, then I truly hope that you, or another loving couple can find a way to provide a home for this girl, or provide her grandfather with support so that HE can continue to provide a home. I hope that you reach some positive resolution to your troubles.

[The Beach Bears]

While all of the thoughts you have expressed Curvyred may be true, we are not family, we do not have any rights to her and the birth mother is her mother and has an inherent right to her. They are also shades of grey, everyone in the family including the Grandfather has stated that they want us to adopt her, we have been the only party interested and willing to go this “private” road with them (Forgive me foster parents out there, the family has a antiquated view of the “system” and will do everything in there power to prevent her form going to the “dreaded” foster care) and third while it may not be a popular thought on this board any mother who put her child in the trunk during the winter and drives around while going to buy and sell drugs should not have rights to speak of.



That being said we were not looking for advice, well we were looking for advice before but little or none was forth coming on this board, so my wife and I changed this into somewhere we could express our emotions an what we are feeling, not necessarily based on legal thoughts.



I understand what you are saying about the state agency but it has become clear that for five years the state agency has not done anything for this family or child, due to the fact she is in family care. As we have researched this it seems that there is any number of ways that an adoption or we taking custody could occur, and most if not all of them do not involve a state agency at all.



We will be taking custody of this child now or in the future it’s what the family wants, its what the Grandfather wants, he is 85 and is dealing with his wife’s death and his own mortality, we can understand what he is thinking that does not mean we have to agree with it. We will be pursing termination of the mother’s rights under abandonment. This has become a place for us to express ourselves in what has become a high stress situation. Thank you for the well wishes.

[Curvyred]

Well, however things progress, I hope that you and your family find peace and a good resolution.

Good luck.