[Yelena]

As far as I know, I'm biologically able to have a baby. Not sure, since I've never tried! DH, however, had a vasectomy after his 3rd child from his first marriage was born.

I have wanted to adopt since I knew what the word meant. Can't say why -- just something I felt "called" to do. So when we started discussing our options for having a child together, we decided to take the money that could have paid for a vasectomy reversal (which might not have worked anyway) or a sperm donor and put it toward adoption. Now we are in the "home stretch" of finally being able to bring our Guatemalan daughter home!

We've had some comments -- some naive, some just mean. For example, we've heard:

"I could never love a child that didn't come out of my own body."

"Why not just wait a little longer for a white kid?"

"What if you get pregnant? Would you cancel the adoption because you'd have a real family instead?"

And this one's not so mean, but I get it a lot: "You are so brave and noble. I could never do it." No, I don't think I'm brave or noble, I just want to be a Mommy!

Fortunately, these are the exceptions. Most of our friends and both of our families think it's the greatest thing in the world.

[etaag]

We have 2 bios (7 & 8) and no fertility issues. I have known since my teen years that I wanted to adopt (now 37). DH also had similar thoughts. Now that our 2 bios are a little older, God has given us both the desire to pursue it. We are certified foster/adopt 2 children ages 5-12. We have no interest in babies and toddlers right now in our lives. We are a family on the go and want to stay that way. Maybe after this "crop" is raised, we may be open to babies and toddlers again.

[llleader]

Hello, I am new to this board. This thread is very interesting to me because my husband and I are talking about adoption but we have never tried to get pregnant. In fact we try not to get pregnant.

I have never had the desire to be pregnant -- rather, I just have a "bad feeling" about it, like something would go wrong. My husband has not been tested but a doctor once told him that due to an illness he had as a child he was probably sterile.

And now I am 40 and he's 42. The chances for something going wrong with a pregnancy are increased. I cannot imagine getting an abortion because some test told me there was something wrong with my baby, but at the same time, I selfishly want a healthy child. Due to our ages we are also thinking perhaps we do not want an infant. We hear there are a lot of older children who really need homes.

[etaag]

There are many healthy waiting older children out there that need good homes. They do have emotional baggage to deal with, due to neglect and/or abuse. Some are "scarred" more than others. All children deserve a fair chance in life. This is the least we can do. DH and I feel God's calling for us to do this. I am scared that we will fail. That we will damage a child even more by a failed adoption. How horrible that would be for them. But when I look back over my life later, I would rather know I tried and failed than to have never tried at all. I know that would be worse. We are stepping out on faith and expecting God to carry us through the tough spots.


Melissa
Certified foster/adopt 1/06

BS 8
BD 7

[Mared2chuck]

I have 2 bio children 18 & 16. My dh and I are adopting my nephew. He is only 6 months old and has been with us since he was 4.5 months. The situation presented itself to us and we decided to go with it. Not everyone understood. And because he was drug exposed some were downright negative about it. But he is here with us and we wouldn't change a thing. We`have talked about adopting again and get commets like "If your gonna fill your house with kids they should atleast be your own." I had a tubal and we could try I suppose but I am just not intrested in spending that kind of money when I could adopt a child that needed a home and parents whom loved them. Being older too makes a big difference (me 38 dh 42). I find we have MUCH more patience now then we did when we were younger. We get commets to like how noble we are and how lucky he is to have us, but I let them know quickly we are the lucky ones and he is simply a gift for God as far as we are concerned.

Good luck

[CeltiaSkye]

We get a double whammy. First because we're adopting rather than having bio children (why don't you want children of your own?), and second because we're adopting from Russia (why aren't American children good enough for you?)

[randloar]

This is such an interesting thread, thanks for starting it Bubbette!!

I was adopted domestically as an infant, along with three other siblings, all also adopted. My parents did try to conceive but it wasn't in the cards for them to have their family in that manner. They went down the adoption path, and never looked back. I have been asked the most absurd questions and heard the craziest comments (do you want to meet your REAL mother; oh, he's not really your brother)........But, my family is my family blood relation or not.

Now, my husband and I are starting our family, and I always knew we would adopt, but like several others thought we would give birth to one or two first.......well, life has other plans and things haven't worked in the original order we imagined but we never went the fertility route (and have also heard the "now you will get pg" comments). We decided to adopt internationally, and I feel (and does my hubby) that there is no difference in capacity to love a child, irrelevant of how they became your children, and despite the ignorant comments people make (we have heard some doosies, but I am kinda used to it all........). We have also been given the "hero for saving these kids" thing, and that is fine, but not truthfully our intent. Our intent is to have a family to love and care for, so we get uncomfortable with that one. So, the bottom line is that we have heard all sorts of potentially hurtful things, but overall, we have had MANY supportive friends give us their congrats on what we are doing without questioning the "why" of our choice to take this path. Oh, and we do get the "don't you want them to look like you" question all the time too, which gets old.

We feel that everyone has different paths in life, and giving birth to a child is one path, as is adoption. When we are in the right mood, we respectfully enlighten people about adoption and the credibility of it, but other times my evil twin makes the sarcastic comments back that I shouldn't. If more people could realize that loving a child is a choice, and that it isn't any less real when you don't go through physical labor (don't they realize that the adoption process IS labor!!), then adoption would be given the credibility it deserves!!

Thanks for starting this line, as the biggest question people feel free to ask is "didn't the fertility treatments work?", and their shock when I reply that we never went that route (with the our choice explanation that goes with it). It helps to see so many others that have made a similar decision and for the same general reasons!!!

[rbporlando]

Randloar -Amen to everything you said!

I too am very grateful this thread was started - I have been so frustrated thinking that perhaps DH and I were one of a few families out there not 'doing everything possible' so-to-speak, to have our own biological child before exploring adoption.

For us, this was always the only way for us to create our family... It is maddening to me that there are people out there - friends, acquaintances, strangers, whomever - who make judgements and think that unless you have exhausted all possible fertility options first, something is wrong.

We are just starting the process, and while we do have lots of wonderful support, there are those negaters - the ones who say horrid, uneducated things... I've been trying to educate as much as possible all along - so hopefully my evil twin will stay away for now , but as we move along through this process, if one of these idiots says something on a really bad day about our choice - I can't promise...

[Bubbette]

Thank you all so much for all of your wonderful words!!

It makes me feel so much better that there are other people out there who chose to adopt without having any fertility issues. I love hearing everyones comments and stories!! Keep them coming!

[ManyTimesBlessed]

We tried to conceive naturally for a year and found out I have a health condition. Even with the condition, I have a very high chance of getting pregnant with medications and other intervention. But, by that point we were so tired of the roller coaster of hoping we were pregnant each month and also we had finally gotten my health condition under control and I didn't want to take fertility meds and start feeling lousy again.


Adoption just seemed like the best option for us and we began to pursue it, much to the surprise of friends, relatives, etc. A lot of family doesn't understand why we didn't fight to get pregnant. We were a little sad that we were not going to be pregnant, but it just wans't really that important to us. We wanted to be parents and the way those kids came to us didn't seem to matter. Adoption is so special and such a blessing from God. To us, it is the perfect way to have a family.

[jameyevans]

My husband and I have the exact same thoughts about adoption. We have not tried to have children but we know that God has placed this desire on our hearts. We will be adopting from Korea. Hope all goes well and God bless!

[VernRDH]

Glad you started this thread Bubbette. We too have a bio child (DD age 6) and are in the process of adopting a 5 year old girl, our friends niece. We got pregnant very quickly the first time we tried and as far as we know could get pg again. I just don't want to. I love my DD (we are twins born 29 years apart) but pregnancy did not sit well with me. Sick a lot of the time, gestational diabetes, toxemia. And as others have said, you do not need to carry and birth a child to love them with all your heart. Just like there are no medals for having "natural" childbirth (no drugs), there are no distinctions for moms and dads who adopt vs. bio. I am not looking to be a "hero", I just want to expand my family and have another child to love.


Now the comments we get are interesting. We only just told family and coworkers about our situation as we are trying to navigate a slippery slope at the moment, dealing with 85 yo custodial grandfather etc. (for more read our thread, New York family adoption journal). But the reactions have been wildly different. Both our mothers have passed so only dads to deal with. Both of them cried at the prospect of another granddaughter to love and spoil!! My bro and SIL are supportive as are most of our friends. Only negatives are the ladies I work with. Asking me things like-what if something is wrong with her? Are you willing to quit your job? You don't know her genetics. Can you love her as much as your own? The fact that you don't want to do diapers, bottles, and spend $40,000 on day care is no reason to not have your own. Dontcha just love it????? Makes me want to scream.

We had talked about adoption long ago as DH's mom was adopted and she passed away at 42 before she had a chance to find her birth parents. We have some info and our lawyer says he can try to find out some more.

It doens't matter how a child comes to you, it only matters that you love them, care for them and give them everything you can to help them grow up to be happy successful individuals.

[ourdreamcametru]

We have two bio boys but even before we were married we said we wanted to adopt at some point. Before our daughter was born we got plenty of comments about why wouldn't we want to have more of our "own" children. We just explain that she is our own child, God just brought her to us in a different manner than the boys.

[redru2004]

Infertility didn't play a part in our decision to adopt, although I'm a type 1 diabetic. Most of my life I knew I'd adopt, I've never given it a second thought. When I first met my husband, we explored our options, and he was completely open to adoption. I've spoken with my doctors and while I'm healthy and able to conceive I've also been made aware of some of the risks to both myself and my child. For us we figure why take the risk when we are just as happy to adopt. The discussion ended there, and we're currently on the road to adopt from Guatemala, and we couldn't be happier or more excited then we are now. Our agency hasn't had a problem with the fact that it wasn't infertility that lead us to this decision.

[Springtime]

We have been married for 3 years and have 3 biological children (one set of twins).
We decided even before we got married that we would adopt.
I've tied my tubes because I was through being pregnant, but we knew we wanted at least one more child, so we are adopting.