[dr.kad]

Well...

My husband and I reached a milestone: after 4 months of sending out home studies (we're trying to adopt from the foster care system), we FINALLY got a 6yr old boy's case worker interested in us.

Sadly, we reached another milestone: we had to turn down the "match." I've read posts for months from several of you who had to make this DIFFICULT decision. The boy had so many medical, social and behavioral challenges--we just felt we wouldn't be the right match.

Boy, I spent so much time trying to get case workers' attention and now this happens. I knew it would very likely happen but it's still so sad and we feel guilty. All normal but also depressing.

Thanks for your stories. They help make sense of this whole process.

[lovebeingmom2006]

My DH and I have turned down two matches. We felt very guilty afterwards, but we knew it wasn't right. It is very hard to do after waiting so long for a child, but believe me there will be others. You are in my prayers.

[tondy24]

My husband and I have also turned down a match. It is that hardest decision to make, but ultimately if that is not the right child for you then it is the right decision. Your child will find you and you will know in your heart when it is right.

[dr.kad]

Thanks for your words. I keep looking at the boy's picture, wondering. It was the right decision, but there is so much uncertainty in dealing with DCS--I just don't have confidence that we will eventually be matched. Our DCS is being reorganized AGAIN and information and opportunities keep getting lost through the cracks.

Thanks again. We're so tempted to give up, but then I think about the other options....Yuck!

[Linny]

Dr Kad:
Believe me....you did the right thing. Any child of that age, with enough behavioral problems....was worth serious consideration to NOT accept. Sounds cruel, I know. I don't mean it to be. But, one thing I have seen within our own family...and in other families...is that oftentimes, our hearts get sold over our heads. We bring children in that have more issues than we actually realized; or we think that we can 'be the ones to actually save this child if no one else will.'

The emotional 'cost' to you and yours might very well be the cost of a lifetime. You went into this with caution and made a choice based on what you could truly handle. Wise parents-to-be, indeed.
Believe me too...when I tell you that your baby/child will come about. Don't get discouraged. DCS IS discouraging (which is why we went back to private adoptions)....but there are children/babies out there...and yours will find you.

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[Hopefull]

Dr Kad, you did the right thing for your family. Anyone would have some guilt for changing their mind. You have to look at the whole picture which is what you did. I too got discouraged while waiting. But you are the only ones who can make your dreams come true. Don't give up. When the right child that you are meant to have comes along, you will know it. Hang in there. Rene

[blessedbybug]

It's tough when others have so much control over us being able to build our families. I have found when working with Children's Services (well, even our private agency...we are waiting with both) is that the "squeaky wheel" theory works. You gotta find a good person in the agency and then build a relnship that keeps you in the forefront. They need to know your name and your desires for a child.

We too, struggled in not being open to certain matches. We have learned that we have to make decisions regarding what we know we can handle and stick with it. It breaks my heart to know that I turned down a possibility to parent, but I also know if I'm not the best Momma for the child, he/she may be better with someone else.

Hoping your match comes for you soon...

[dr.kad]

Thanks guys. I just can't get that boy out of my mind. In many ways, turning down that match was harder than my miscarriages. Guess it's cuz there is an actual living breathing child out there and I know he needs a family. This whole adoption process is insane--how a potential parent can get attached (not even meaning to) just by looking at a photo and reading a bio. I actually miss the boy and I never even met him.

Now, every time I ask my case worker to send out our home study re another child, I feel guilty.

Of course, I know you guys are right--Simply put, if my husband and I didn't feel like we were a good match for him, then we would NOT have been a good match for him.

Guess times like these make the actual match that much sweeter.

Take care...

[Lorraine123]

dr. kad -

There are a number of children who I still think about and wonder about. I pray that they found good, loving, supportive homes. But I know that my home was not the best for them. I will never forget them and their faces will always be in my mind. I think that fact that we can't just say no and then move on is what makes us good parents.

Also - keep in mind that social services probably didn't reveal all of the issues that the child has. Therefore, if you felt that you couldn't handle it with what was told, then you were probably right. There is a high probability that there are more issues than you were told.

Hang in there. This is the hardest part of the process in my opinion. I wasn't prepared for how difficult the waiting to be matched phase would be.

Lorraine

[Ranna]

I don't always come in here, but my husband and I just said no to a pair to twin boys because the mom has so many mental disorders that we felt we couldn't care for. I've been thinking about them a lot and wondering if it was the right choice. reading these posts really helped. Thanks everyone!