[txhope]

Ok, so we're just starting the adoption process & research and I have a couple of questions.

1) Where are all the healthy / relatively healthy infants in the state foster care system? I just can not believe that there are no caucasion / or caucasion / mix infants taken away from parents or abandoned in the state of Texas...so where are they and how do I find them? I got an information packet from the state and it stated that the children that were available were older (over 8), or had non-correctable medical problems, or emotional, or developmental problems. Now, I'm not necessarily opposed to all these things, but I do think there are limits in our ability as first time parents.

2) My wonderful misguided husband wants a boy first. Now, I've explained to him that if we were to concieve a child there's no guarantee on the sex of the child. His theory is that if we're spending $20K-$30K on adoption, we should be able to chose what we want. Needless to say, we're still discussing this. BUT, do any adoption agencies let you specify the sex of the baby you want to adopt? I got three information packets, one from the state and two from private agencies, and none of them would let you specify.

Sorry this is so long...I feel like we're just starting and already out of luck and it's pointless to continue.

Thanks for any replies.

[LisaCA]

hi,

i'm not from texas (though I did live there for my kindergarten year in Corpus Christi ) so I'm just going to generalize.

There are white children in the foster care system, but my guess is that they are of "higher demand" than other children (latino and AA). (Fyi, children considered "white/other" will often look more "other" than "white".) Infants or young children are definitely in higher demand across the races. add all that together and it means possibly waiting a long time to adopt thru the foster care system in texas. Also most infants, unless there parent has had previous removals of children, are adopted thru private or agency adoption. Other infants may be placed with the aparents of their siblings in an effort to keep the children together.

I suspect there are possibly agencies that will let you specify sex, but what do you do if the ultrasound is wrong? If I were an expectant mom looking at the profiles, I'd shy away from anyone specifying gender without a good reason-jmho. you might want to have a chat with dh and explain that we don't always get what we want in life , and his baby boy as number one may be one of them. if that's what he wants and he sticks to it, and if you're able to find an agency that will work with you, you may end up waiting longer because of it-that's my guess.

one way out of it would be to be open only to those children already born (another longer wait I suspect).

not sure why dh wants a boy, but as a girl, let me say I'm more of a boy than dh . I played an awesome game of football and tennis, lifted weights, fixed cars etc. had I been born more recently I'm sure I'd have been on the football team in school. So if he's looking for a sports legend or a child he can play sports with, girls can do that too (and do it well). hey, we're convinced dd will be the first female mlb player-you should see her room, definitely baseball inspired .

if it's some other reason, he should think about why, what his expectations are of a boy and of a girl. he may find that an interesting exercise. my guess is that you're "discussing" that with him already .

good luck!

Lisa

[Lorraine123]

txhope -

You must realize that children are in foster care for a reason - they were removed from their parent's care because the state thought that was in their best interest. Therefore, it is unusual to find an infant in foster care that is "healthy" and free for adoption. You may find drug exposed or medically fragile infants. You may find sibling groups with a young child. But there is always some reason that the state took the children from their birthparents. Infants in foster care are not placed there by loving parents looking for the best situation for their children (in general). If that were the case, the parents would have contacted an agency and made and adoption plan. Again, I am generalizing, but this true in the majority of cases. So you want to know where they are?? They aren't.

Lorraine

[tobeafamily]

On specifiying the sex of a child not yet born in adoption:

There are of course agencies and attorneys who will be happy to work with you. There are not many, because even the best ultrasound imagry can be wrong and they do not want an expectant parent left with no adoptive parents at birth simply because an ultrasound was wrong.

When you do specify that you are only interested in parenting a child of one sex, understand that you limit yourselves and that limiting yourselves generally causes longer wait periods. You will not be considered in situations where there is no ultrasound or the ultrasound is ambiguous.

I would then hold that if a boy is an imperative for you, something you're absolutely certain you want to the point that you would reject a placement of a girl, then parental placement probably isn't for you. You would be best served by adopting a born child - either through domestic waiting child or international waiting child.

JMHO

Regina

[spaypets]

Another point about infants in the foster system:'

I also do not know the particular politics in the Texas system, but I can say in my state children are removed only when their situation is desperately dangerous. Secondly, when they are removed, the first priority is to place them either with family or in their community. Also, every attempt is made to reunify them with their bio parents. So an infant who was removed may spend a year in foster care before being legally free for adoption. And, I would assume, that the foster parents would be given first refusal in adopting the child.

[redhedded]

txhope, I am a lifelong Texan, well except for a short and unpleasant stint out west. Texas social service agencies often contract with private adoption agencies (due to Texas' large population and thus large foster care system) for placement of young children, newborns and toddlers, to expedite the process and reduce bureaucracy when parental rights have been terminated, which often can take years. Meaning a large agency would be in charge of the child's case; these adoptions are categorized as special needs within the agency program and fee structure.

Also in most states, young children are placed in straight foster care homes while their parents are given the opportunity to follow the case plan. If they are not reunited, then these children might be placed with a family member. Often when/if they become eligible for adoption, the family that has fostered them gets the first opportunity. Not many families who have had a babe since birth or toddlerhood are going to opt out of adoption.

Lots of agencies, I think, let you specify gender; however, many do not and more do not if it is your first child. Not sure where you are, but you might contact some private adoption agencies and inquire about state/special needs adoptions (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio) Hope that helps.

[leaabc123]

Not sure about texas, in terms of foster care and amount of time before tpr.

But, our girls, who are siblings were each removed at birth and the county is still going through tpr process for big d who is 3 and they haven't even started on little d who is 2 months.

There are no guarantess when going through foster care.

[txhope]

Thanks for all of the responses, I appreciate it.


For those who asked about the sex of the child, I don't care either way, all I want is a child. DH on the other hand has very silly reasons for wanting a boy. I'm not sure yet how adament he is about it, but that's what he wants and I thought I'd try to find some additional info on whether agencies allow that or not. As I said, this part of the decision is still being discussed, and personnally, I just think he's a goofball.

As for the infants in the state system, I just found it hard to believe that none existed and didn't understand where they went and that I couldn't find more info. We understand why children are put in the care of the state and the types of medical, emotional, or developmental problems they may have. We're also not oppossed to all of that, we just know what we're equipped to handle.

Thanks redhedded for the info on the agencies!

[tobeafamily]

Txhope - I understand about your DH. Mine was the same way, until I said "would you honestly turn down a newborn child placement just because it's a girl not a boy?" He went "of course not!" and that was our answer.

As it turns out, Ryan was a boy, though we were never sure of it until he arrived. He was a modest ultrasound baby. We were all certain he would be a she because nobody could decide on a boy's name but girl we had locked down.

HTH

Regina

[mcnh63]

We are going through Foster to adopt right now. ( we are waiting for our certification)
I understand how your husband feels . We would really like a girl. We are not going to say no to a boy because we truely want a child but we just seem to see ourselves with a girl. Sometimes their are no real reasons.
We were told that we could say what sex we wanted but there could be a longer wait.

In NY there are many babies that are in the foster care system.( that are also healthy) They are not in the books nor on line since they go directly to foster homes and the foster family has first rights to adopt after 1 year.
We also were looking at the pictures of kids on line and wondering where all the healthy kids and babies were. Once we looked into it more we found out that there were many but that we needed to become foster parents first and to be able to understand and handle the realities of that.

There are many different roads to take if you want to adopt. Good luck in what you pick and do lots of research a head of time.

[Cyndy411]

My husband and I went through the oreintation for foster care/ adoption through CPS and we were told that healthy caucasion children especialy infants are in high demand. My thought is a child is a child. I completely understand because my husband has reacted the same way.

[txhope]

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate the insight. CPS is having an orientation meeting in December that I think we'll go to and try to learn more about adopting / fostering through the state.

I think we'll end up leaning more towards an agency adoption, but the cost is in the way right now.

[Happy123]

You also might want to consider foster care in order to get an infant--possibly a legal risk. We are in the process of adopting a fairly healthy infant from foster care, but it is very rare. We are able to do this because he is the sibling of our adoptive sons--they were the ones who suffered at the hands of their birth parents. The baby was removed at birth--very thankful for that. Most of the infants in our state do have medical or drug issues. But, even when you have a bio child that child can also be born with a disability. When we adopted I kept that in mind though.
Good Luck,
Happy123