[celebratewewill]

ok, i'm so ahead of myself, and not even sure if the situation we are working with will ever pan out (long story), but this expectant mother SAYS she wants a semi-open relationship, but she seems to be very flaky (seems, imo). i am worried that she will not communicate with her child if this goes through, and i do not want my child to be hurt by this...and then i started worrying what if our second child's bparents are much more involved? i'm thinking of international adoption so the situations are different, but then i don't want our child to be alone in her experience as someone with cc parents and a cc sibling (if this is the one). i'm such a worrywart...what did you all decide to do, what do you struggle with if this is the case, any advice, things to consider?

tina

[LisaCA]

we're in the process of planning for adoption #2 (sometime next year we hope) so I can appreciate the question. dd is 16 months and her adoption is very open- we correspond, we send photos, talk on the phone and have visited (they live 2000 miles away ). what has worked out for us is that dd's entire birthfamilies are involved, not just bdad and bmom. that makes it more likely that someone from her birthfamily will remain in contact over the long haul. But given that dd's relationship with them is so open, our next adoption must be open as well. I know there will be differences of course, but I won't consider an adoption with a pbmom/pbdad who knows they don't want contact. of course anyone who wants an open relationship can always change their mind, but i'm hoping that if they see the relationship we have with dd's bfamily, that they'll want to be involved in their child's life too.

it is hard when one child has a relationship and the other doesn't, but much is based on each child's temperment and outlook.

btw, I think spaypets has different relationships with her children's bfamilies, as well as others. hopefully they'll post here too.

take care,

lisa

[spaypets]

Not me Lisa--we just have one DD (adopted internationally!).

[redhedded]

tina, This was a huge consideration for us in even discussing a second babe. Our dd's adoption is semi-open, really for all purposes, closed, based on birthmother's choice to have no contact for now.

It is a personal choice, and especially difficult because if you are open to a relationship growing, as we are, the first adoption can always change. Having said that, we would not, for one moment, have considered an adoption that was different than the first.

[LisaCA]

must be lisainvenice, at least I think . or maybe it was red . so clueless...

lisa

[blessedbybug]

Tina, I wish I knew... it is one of my biggest questions as we wait for #2, what will be different??? Sorry I'm not much help but I will be watching for others to respond with you...

[mom2GRLC]

I've adopted 3 children through fostercare, each from different birthfamilies and each with different levels of openness and one that is what I consider closed. We are also fostering our 4th who will likely come up for adoption soon, which will also be a different level of openness.

I have seen some problems already and my kids are 6,3,20months and 13 months. We have the most contact with my 3 yr olds birthfamily and my 6 year old is starting to have questions of why his bmom isn't writing him or seeing him.

Sometimes it's hard to explain to a young child, why their are differences, why people who love their birthchild the same amount can show it in different ways, or aren't able to show it at all.

My hope is that he will find peace and understanding in his heritage and his reality. That he will see the love in our daughters birthmom's voice or eyes and know that somewhere out there his birthmom feels the same way about him...just does not show it the same way, but holds it in her heart.

I know deep down in my heart that these children came to my heart and home for a reason. I couldn't have turned one or the other away just because their relationships with their birthfamilies would be different. I'm interested to see what will happen in the future...which we find to be best(open or closed). But, really it depends on the whole situation...the child...the birthfamilies....every situation is different....every relationship is different...just because it works one way for one child wouldn't mean it would work the same way for the next child.

Besides, relationships do change with time, just as people change....sometimes you need more contact other times you need a break and less contact.

I wouldn't pass up the right child...just to try and keep things equal between all my kids. That would be impossible. Life isn't fair...life isn't equal....you just have to take what life hands you and do your best.

I figure, I have done everything I can to offer the amount of contact i feel is appropriate and safe for each child and that will be each childs unique history, unique future. The important thing is regardless of wether a birthparent drops out of their life...or whatever....WE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE!!! ALWAYS, offering love and support and a place where the child belongs and will forever call HOME, where all of their Memories were developed and cherished. Whatever relationships they build beyond that...is just icing on the cake. WE ARE THEIR FAMILY>>>FOREVER!!!!!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

Besides, relationships do change with time, just as people change....sometimes you need more contact other times you need a break and less contact.

I wouldn't pass up the right child...just to try and keep things equal between all my kids. That would be impossible. Life isn't fair...life isn't equal....you just have to take what life hands you and do your best.

Amen!

The bottom line is that all relationships are different and we cannot protect our kids from the differences in their birthfamilies. Nor should we. It is their reality whether it is pretty or not.

[LisaCA]

one of the differences between newborn adoption and foster care is that for the most part (and there are some cases where this isn't true), there's no "right" child. I know I could have raised any of the children that were presented to us (and there were several) and loved them as I love dd. For us it was about matching families. We felt that with most of the situations, these bfamilies would find a family that they matched with if we decided it wasn't the right situation for us. With foster care, it's a very different situation.

yes there are differences, and you can't always predict the future, but I feel strongly that I need to do what I can to maintain some balance in the family. We will strive for an open relationship, well aware that the relationship could change at any moment. dd's bfamily initially wanted a semi-open, but that changed the moment of her birth.

life isn't equal or fair, but I feel it's my job to make it as fair as I can, as equal as I can. Just as I wouldn't show how I may favor one child over the other, I won't intentionally set up a family dynamic that may cause problems for some.

[mom2GRLC]

I didn't mean to sound negaitve ...I'm sorry if i came off that way.

I agree in a newborn adoption it is more about matching up families with common wants and desires.

If I were to have done an infant adoption i probably would have seeked for the same kind of contact for all my children...just as you are...(knowing their aren't any gaurantees). I would have wanted my kids to have a similiar reltaionship with each of their birthfamilies(or i would have chosen a sibling group(what we originally hoped for going through fostercare).

I was just trying to say that it's ok to have different relationships with different birthparents. The children will come to terms with their individual heritage and relationship...but that the most important thing(at least for my son) is to know that we are his MOM & DAD now and FOREVER and will never leave him, will never not have contact with him. Once i explained that to him....it didn't really matter that his bmom doesn't write....he knew he was loved and special and was AT HOME and always will be!!!!

If i were ever to adopt...again and have the choice for an open relationship or closed i would go for a semi-open realtionship and start that way. I do feel it is best for the child...to have some contact..or a way of contacting their birthfamily...instead of wondering and questioning their whole life and having to go through the trauma of a re-union. I think it's better to know from the start and always be in contact...at least through letters...so it doesn't have to be so difficult on the child.

[LisaCA]

no, you didn't come across as negative at all, just certain in your beliefs, which is good .

this is one of my fears, since the relationship we currently have with dd's bfamilies (esp. bmom's family) is so special and so great. We keep shaking our heads that something so great could happen so quickly. we were all very comfortable together, like family who had been separated for a while but was now back together. We know in our hearts that we can't have that exact same relationship-different people and circumstances, but are hoping for the best. That fear probably came thru in my last post .

one of the things we've thought about is a foster adoption, but are unsure of how this would play out in our family. Maybe our current family members, including dd's bfamily, will step up to the plate - don't know.

it's awfully complicated, but adoption has benefits .