[~amy~]

I went to the bookstore to look at child development books today, as well as children's books about adoption. The whole time, I felt like I shouldn't have been looking at those books! Like I was pretending, or something like that. Can't imagine my first trip to Babies R Us to make notes on what I'll need!!!

At what point during your wait does it start feeling like you're really going to raise a child?

[mommieof2cuties]

You shouldn't feel that way. It is good to get books and read up! Also these boards have many helpful people. You could shop online if you feel like you cannot handle going into the stores yet.

God Bless,
Summer

[LisaCA]

we tried to stay away from child rearing books and babies r us until our homestudy was completed, mostly because it didn't really feel real, it seemed like we were doing something we shouldn't. Once the homestudy was completed our facilitator said we should prepare for the child's arrival-that's when it seemed real .

that's not to say that you should not shop now, or whatever, it's just to say that everyone feels differently. you'll reach a time when it feels real and right for you.

btw, we read everything we could on adoption from before we started our homestudy thru to completion. there were enough of those books to keep us busy .

[redhedded]

Amy, Give yourself permission to know that you will become a parent. Whether you start your preparation now or later, you are as entitled as anyone and if possible, surround yourself with those who affirm and believe that too.

Four years ago when we embarked on this journey (our daughter is now three) we took a childcare class at our local hospital; several classes were required by our agency. I was the only woman in the large class not obviously pregnant; some looked as though they might burst. The instructor encouraged the others to watch my husband, whom she observed and called the "expert diaperer." He was calm, confident, efficient, rapid but not too quick and interacted quietly with the "doll" who was our subject. He is the loving, Zen type who never ever calls attention to himself. Before class we had completed a small form that included a bit about ourselves; we had written that we were pursuing adoption. She was clearly affirming that parenting is about love and one's spirit, not always about biology.

Now we have an 11 month old who has upped the bar on husband's quick diapering skills, as babe is always rapidly on the go and has little time for such derailments of activity.

I wish you peace on your journey.

[lakin11]

I know how you feel! We are becoming foster parents and actually have our first homestudy visit on Monday. We've got the two bedrooms set up...bunk beds, a crib, changing table, etc. I keep wondering what I will do if something would keep us from getting kids (although I don't know what would). Part of me worries we jumped the gun by preparing, but another part of me knows how chaotic it would have been if we'd waited to the last minute to buy everything (first of all, we couldn't have afforded everything at once). I keep thinking I'll be a mom soon. The feeling is scary, but exciting.
I also wonder how family and friends will treat us. We do not have any biokids yet so we aren't "parents" yet. I wnder if they will consider us to be parents when we have the foster kids or just look at us like we are babysitting. I guess the important part is that we will feel like parents!
Shannon

[celebratewewill]

amy, your post made me smile, b/c i felt the SAME EXACT way. i agree with lakin, amy. for years i've had baby name books (i'm a certifiable dork, i know), had parenting magazines for a few years, and once the decision to adopt was made, i bought a few books that were suggested reading by our agency and some great minds here. and i'm glad i got a start early, b/c it kept me focused. when it was too hard, i put the books down for a while. and now, we are matched, the baby is due in about 4 weeks, and i haven't had the concentration to read the books at all! all my free time has been getting the nursery ready, getting a few baby outfits while we hang out in another state, getting work/loa stuff straightened out, lawyers, agency, etc. i've packed a few books to read there, although i'll be every waking minute will be spent staring at the baby.

keep us posted!!

[blessedbybug]

For me, it was an ebb and flow thing... somedays/weeks I could believe that it would happen. Other times, I put all the stuff in the room designated "the baby's room" and shut the door. It was all a part of the process of being a Mom becoming a reality.

But my oh my, when we were finally matched was I ever glad I planned ahead a little bit. We got the call on a Friday, met Bug's first mom on the next Tuesday and Bug was born about 48 hours later, and home with us a week to the hour from the phone call. I'm not sure if I have had time to read since (except these boards of course!!!). Oh yeah, there are the middle of the nights when she wouldn't sleep and I am desperately reading a "how to help your child sleep" book.

All that to say, do it on your own time, but do it. The first time I went into Babies R Us I did it in another town, where I didn't know anyone. I just walked around and dreamed about the possibility of being a Mommy. I did at one point, find a corner and cry, but it was therapeutic.

[Guspiv]

I like what Red said, "give yourself permission to know that you will be a parent.
We started shopping once our homestudy was complete and it did feel weird at first. I did a lot of shopping on line because I felt so weird at first. The even weirder thing is I had God children and a nephew that I was always buying baby stuff for. Anyway, finally I registered because family and friends kept begging me to. We also took a baby care basics class, and I was the only one who wasnt pregnant and the nurse had a nerve to go around the room and have everyone state their name and due date so I proudly announced "Hi we are Cleveland and Sylvia and we are due any day (pause) we are adopting and waiting to be matched!" It was so liberating and felt so real, It was like a declaration, "hey I am not pregnant but I am about to be a mother too, and I am excited, nervous and I would like to know how to give the kid a bath just like you!"
So if you feel you should be prepared (some people don't like buying baby things until the baby is home or a match etc.), ease into it slowly believe me you will have more than enough time to spend all your money on your little one, they need A LOT of stuff. Good luck

[spaypets]

DD has been home 2.5 years (she's 4) and I'm trying to remember exactly when it stopped feeling like a day dream. Certainly getting her referral picture made it more real. And of course, holding her in my arms made it really real. But even then, sometimes I'd stumble a little. Because, of course, when your child first comes home, she's a stranger. There are things you don't know.

But by the time we'd had her longer than we hadn't, she felt every bit my daughter. I'm still awed by her, but she is one of us. I see us both reflected in her face (even though she doesn't look a bit like us).

Your feelings are normal and you just need to push through them.

[lakin11]

Okay I know I've read other peoples opinions, but our situation is a little different. We are becoming foster parents....and hoping to adopt. We have NO idea what age children we are going to get. We've no bios, so everything we've gotten we've either bought or gotten for free/cheap. NO ONE has mentioned anything about a shower or any type of party to help us out. Should we hint that we'd like something? I know most people don't consider us parents b/c we are only fostering. Granted we don't have kids yet, but should by January. Any suggestions?!
Shannon

[nanab]

shannon,I think maybe when you have kids in your home that you know you will be adopting,hinting about a shower or party would be fine.I am not sure its approriate for doing foster care.good luck.nanab

[adopt95050]

Amy,
It will come to you, I also think before you get the referral it's harder to believe it's true, but it is!

[sugarbabysmommy]

It ebbed and flowed for me too, and my babe being placed in my arms didn't change that. I would hear myself say the words, "my child," or, "I'm a mom," and it was like a distant voice, not my voice. It bothered me, especially because again and again I heard other adoptive mothers say their experince was the oppposite. I asked me counselor and she simply said, "A day will come and you will look at your child and know, deep down, you are this child's mother. It will happen," she said, "and it is never the same moment for everyone."

It did happen, not in one moment, but in many small moments. And now when I'm buying books or diapers I don't feel like some imposter alarm is going to sound on the register.

Your feelings will change and what makes them change for you may or may not be like others, and that's ok.

[spitzlvr]

I had to smile at your post. I am 32 weeks pregnant (high-risk) with my 2nd child. Just yesterday we went to babies-r-us to get some basics (bottles, a small thing of formula.....). We did this because due to medical issues my doc may have my daughter make a very early appearance, and we wanted to be ready in case it happens.

So, here I am with a big belly and my 4 year old in the cart (and dh of course). As we are checking out I felt like the biggest imposter! Here I was buying little bottles and formula and stuff, and I didn't have a baby at home!

What I am trying to say if your feelings are normal. Mine may be alittle over the edge, but then again, these days I feel alittle over the edge!