[Cyndy411]

Hi all I'm new here. My husband and I finanly decieded to adopt. (after years of fertility treatments) But now that it's time to turn in all the paperwork he's backing out. I am so frustrated with him. It feels as if my heart has been riped out of my chest. He tells me that he's not ready yet but he will be soon. Has anyone else expreinced this. I'm not sure what to say except what my feelings are but I don't want to come off as pushy. I feel as if I've been lied to for the past few months of filling ou paperwork and attending seminars. Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

[akcskye]

Just my opinion, but I think he's just experiencing a little fear. Most men do.
I mean, after all those years of trying, adoption will be a sure thing. You will have a child, and the reality of it may be what's getting to him.
If it were my hubby, I'd ask him what he's feeling and see if he'll open up to you. There are all sorts of things he may be facing (like other people's opinions about adoption) that may be freaking him out, but he may not want to tell you what he's heard (possibly negative things?) that he doesn't want to talk about.
I mean, parenting IS, or should be 50/50. You don't want to take this on and end up feeling like it was only you that was in this decision, so take a few breaths, and just get him to talk.
Good luck to you!

[LisaCA]

welcome! there are so many things that can be distressing about adoption for a person. Adopting after infertility sort of announces to people that infertility is involved (even for those who have no infertility, people just assume). He may be getting comments from coworkers and friends that are less than supportive ("you don't know what you're getting" sort of comments). He may not want to give up on the chance at a bio child. He may just wonder about all this adoption stuff. He may need to meet with a family who has adopted. I know dh did. He was going along but I could tell he had issues. we went to a meeting which had an adoptive couple and that was great for him. He just needed reassurance, some time to really digest things.

we found that our paperwork really asked some deep things and we had to do a real soul searching. That took some time and dh had the hardest time with it. Just each essay asking about his life and stuff threw him for a loop-we waited, but then we had time and were not in a rush. You might want to talk to him and allow him some space, but also maybe meet with an adoption counselor, possibly someone from the agency if you're working with one, or your lawyer can recommend someone. I have to say it's just normal to freak out-we each did that throughout the process, including when we brought dd home. Dh panicked, was really bad tempered, so I just asked what was going on. his comment was "I just want everything to work out". Cute. i told him it would if he got off his butt and helped me with the baby .

give your husband some time, but also keep talking. The idea of becoming a parent is a scary one, and there's no going back . That alone warrants some panicking.

[wenrl]

Becoming a parent is huge! Everybody feels some anxiety about adding another member to their family, or at least I think they should. For me, the stress came shortly before finalization. I realized that no matter what our child did in her life, she would be ours and there was no sending her back. She might become a pregnant, bank-robbing, drug-addicted prostitute at the age of 12 and I will have to be by her side and support and love her anyway. Not that I ever considered giving up an option, but removing that possibility scared me at that last second. Also, adopting meant that the family we created was the one I was stuck with for life. I could never leave my partner when we had a child to raise together and she could never leave me. Granted, divorce happens (and again this is something I never before considered -- we've been commited to each other for years without a single problem or question), but it's so much more serious when there is a child involved. You can't up and leave for any old reason. There is more than yourself to think about.

Before we were matched, my rational thinking, often stressed out partner was the timid one. I told her that these things take a really long time and we did not have to accept any placement if she didn't feel ready at that time.

Often, adoption takes a really long time. I knew a woman who waited ten years with birth moms changing their minds at the last second. Chances are extrememly high that even if your paperwork is all done, i's dotted, t's crossed and that whole bit and your hubby is super ready and just cannot wait, you'll still be waiting for longer than you expected. My argument to my partner was, "If you're not ready, you can get ready while we wait." It took two years to get a match through the state and she was very ready by the time we had a match. However, if your husband were to agree to those terms, you'd have to agree to some also. Like if the off chance your phone rings tomorrow and hubby still isn't ready -- you will let that opportunity pass without resenting him. That would be extremely difficult, I'm sure, but it sounds like some compromising might be in order.

Also, I agree with the other posts that some therapy might be in order for the both of you to help get you on the same page and understanding each other's feelings as well as your own.

[kimmie11]

Hi! You're not alone, this past week my dh and & had our first homestudy visit. On the way there, in bumper to bumper traffic, already stressed and nervous my dh decides to question me about whether adoption is right for us. Hello! Talk about stress and heartache. I was speechless. Well we made it through the first visit. MY dh was great, I was a mess. Thanks goodness I put my happy face on. My dh and I talked and came to the conclusion that he is just scared. Its a big decision, one that was easy for me but not so easy for him. No he is not backing out, just unsure about himself, about being a good parent, and the change having a child will bring. Be patient, my dh and I first started talking about adoption two years ago and here we are finally. Give him some room, keep the lines of communication open and have faith. It will happen

[Cyndy411]

Thanks yall, I appreciate all the feedback. Somedays are better than others. It just gets to me sometimes. All his brothers and sisters just had babies (like one every month for the last 3 months and theres one more on the way) And just watching him interact with these children makes me happy that he wants to be a part of his life, but it also breaks my heart at the same time. I mean we have done everything right, our house is paid for our cars are paid for .... I don't know. I know this will happen I just feel I've waited forever. Thanks for listening.

[akcskye]

Cyndy, I don't know what your religious beliefs are, however, I wanted to share with you a tidbit of "personal experience".
I noticed that you said "we have paid off our cars, house, done everything right" or something to that affect.
I was the SAME way when my niece got pregnant. Here she was, 23, and would have sex with anything that walked in her younger days, and even got pregnant before she got married.
I stayed a virgin until I got married (not because of what the Bible says, but because it made more sense to me), and have always done what the "Good Book" says.
Trust me, from having those same feelings...harboring that will not do you any good.
What got me over that "hump" was when I was tutoring some children in a Presbyterian church for my local literacy program...
As I was coming down the steps, in the kids area, there was a cut and paste group of the 10 Commandments...and there I was, face level with the Commandment "Do not be jealous of what others have"...and you know what? It made sense.
WHY harbor resentment toward my niece and play down what is the happiest time of her life? Would I want someone to do that to me if I were to ever get pregnant again and actually get to carry it to term, or once I finally adopt? HECK NO!
Just wanted to share, I know how you feel, and I hope this helps.